Monday, September 4, 2017

Hidden Life: The Good Psychopath's Curse.

The following is a mail from one of my long term Readers, someone who has been active himself in trying to spread some light in all the messy ignorance that pervades society about psychopaths and psychopathy-related conditions.

........................

Hi Jay,

I will quote you and then reply as I go along:

Good to hear things are looking up for you Zhawq.

Thank you, I hope I haven't miscalculated the whole thing. I was scheduled to receive surgery on Thur. Oct. 29th, but the brave surgeon who was going to perform the surgery has had a sudden, very serious accident that has rendered him completely incapacitated so he cannot proceed. But he knew another surgeon who was willing to take over and so the whole thing has been postponed for the day after tomorrow, Wed. Aug. 6th. - I am optimistic (I can not and will not fail!). 

I have been on a very similar path to you. ... You of course started the bug as I became much more self-aware reading your articles and have passed this on to others in course.

I have noticed your progress and I must say that I am actually quite proud of you. Few would bother or even understand that sharing information can also lead to a lot of self gratification which is so important to our kind.

I have also had the legal issues that restrict me, as well as my own inconsistency at sticking to tasks

I'm aware of the inconsistency problems, this is something that simply cannot be helped. The good thing is that if you stick with it and are not hindered by laws, regulations, money (tax, fee, etc. etc.) issues and the infamous 'unspoken rules' which is so rampant in more unsophisticated and poorly educated populations and parts of society - or, as in my case, a whole country - you will with time find good people who will want to work with, and for, you. Remember, the hardest part is always the first one or two, maybe three, years. Get past that and nothing can stop you...

In other words, there are people out there who can spot good causes which represent opportunities that are just too good to pass (depending on individual preference, of course, but there's usually something for everyone), and if you make sure to engage the best of those people you will have a loyal and talented team who can help you out in both good and bad times because it's about their future too.

Things seem to have come full-circle though and I am going to drop off the radar and focus on my own private life.

I think that may be a good idea. Who knows, you may find things have changed some day and decide to give it another try. The good thing is that you have plenty of time still. If I may give you a word of personal advice: Take a year or two and spend them on education, make sure to spend time studying subjects that are of essential value to what you aim to achieve in life... subjects like Business, Management and Marketing, IT, Website Creation, Programming & Advertisement, as well as Social Psychology. These are fields of study which all are examples of golden knowledge... 

Study some Economy and a widely spoken foreign language on the side and all that's left is practice and finding the right person who has the same way of thinking as you do, a good idea, experience, and who will take you in as their partner (or in the beginning at least be your mentor), and there will be nothing you can't achieve. I cannot put it any clearer than this. The rest is up to you and Destiny. 

Part of me thinks I may have been leading people down the wrong road as this world is increasingly monitored by authorities. Much of my work was through social media rather than just my websites ... I am beginning to think that the more guarded psychopaths out there were right all along

I have had the same concerns and I will not deny that such thoughts still sometimes pop up, there have been periods where I had these thoughts on a daily basis. I don't think they will ever completely disappear but I'm certain they'll become easier to get past with time. It's just important to not allow such thoughts to overwhelm us especially during the first years where we tend to be alone with our ambitions and visions and have nobody to rely on bur ourselves and our own strength and ability to persevere.

Personally I actually have quite profound reasons for this paranoid tendency of mine (as the psychologists will surely call it) to observe and notice the signs of certain strange coincidences which tend to have some strangely negative and potentially life threatening (or worse) impact upon the life of someone like myself who write openly about the subject of psychopathy while also having the diagnosis myself, and I have thought of writing an article about this very subject. But as things currently stand I have concluded that there is little reason to do so at this point. - But let me return to your email...

To put it short: Jay, I understand your concerns.

Sometimes you don't know what you could loose until after you have lost it. Too late for me, but I don't want to lead others of my ilk down the wrong path either.

This is you looking at the world through a prism of pessimism (we all do this from time to time). But Jay, it is not too late for you and there is no pressure to make any decisions for all future at this point in time. If you feel the need to step down for a bit, do so. Lay low for a while and focus on developing other aspects of your life. Maybe focus on other skills that you have; or explore new ones, test them and try them out. Do that and I can say with almost 100% certainty that in a year from now the way you see things today will have changed dramatically.

And remember, you are a survivor, it is in your nature. This I know for sure.

What has happened to me personally is somewhat unusual. Normally it is only the ones who are completely careless and who are intellectually challenged (retarded) at least to a degree who ends up the way I have (and even they rarely end up in such an extreme - and extremely unjust - situation).

But you know what? I finally realize that I have been wrong throughout most of my life when I thought there was no such thing as bad luck. I thought there was only lack of will or ability to sharpen your ability to predict outcomes. That if you didn't foresee something and make precautions, it was always because you hadn't done enough or tried hard enough....a very typical view on life and reality that a very large number of psychopaths (and sociopaths, generally speaking) believe to be the simple fact about how everything works.

I have always been incredibly lucky, it is obvious that I have been so and I will not deny it. But that is also the reason why I choose to look at my current misfortune as an opportunity to learn and experience for myself what bad luck actually feels like (how much it angers you; and knowing how normal people 'tick' I can see why they loose heart and feel there is no hope, which causes - a sometimes life long - depression) and to understand that indeed, luck, good and bad, do exist, which I can do in a much more realistic way than I have ever been able to until less than approximately 3 years ago when I really began to gain an understanding of what the differences between 'my kind' and 'normal people'.

This is a journey that I sense you too have begun, and I think it is already too late for me to warn you about how addictive this fountain of new knowledge can be. All in all, I think you'll be alright, my friend, and I'm happy that our paths have crossed. May they do so again when the time is right.

Zhawq.


Email by: Jay Jones 
Replies by: Zhawq.

16 comments:

Zhawq AmaDraque said...

Tomorrow at this time I will hopefully be about to wake up after having had surgery. Wish me luck. :)

Here's a post I left at Facebook yesterday:
..........

Hello everybody,

in two days I'll be off to hospital for surgery.

It won't be the surgeon who originally agreed to do the procedure. He happened with a serious accident that has rendered him incapacitated and bed ridden. But he believes enough in me to have taken it a step further in spite of his situation and has managed to find another surgeon who is willing to stand in for him.

I should have been under the knife five days ago and was ready to ask you all to wish me well and say 'So long!' and everything, but then the news about my surgeon came back and that has understandably had me preoccupied somewhat.

I'm sure you understand that it isn't indifference that has kept me from writing a line now and then, in fact I think it's fair to say that stakes have been upped a notch and that is something that calls for a bit of extra preparations of various kinds, and that is what has kept me busy.

I'll rather not speak more about it all at this point, and if all goes well I'll also have to try and avoid speaking about it in the future. If all does not go well, someone else will do a lot of 'speaking' in my place. :)
Wish me luck. I'm optimistic, I know I'll get through this alright and am looking forward to be back.

I'll be at hospital for 5 days, after that I'm not completely certain if I'm meant to go directly back to my apartment, and if so, whether or not I'll be able to sit by my computer right away. It is not exactly a small procedure I'm going to have done - after 15 years' delay it has become something more than the routine bit it was to begin with.

..........

Well, that's it for now.

Thanks for all your support, I am happy and grateful to have such awesome Readers and Followers, many of whom have stood by me since the early days and in spite of my sometimes lengthy periods of absence and my sometimes awfully bad writing skills.

So long, and talk you all again very soon.

'^L^,

Zhawq AmaDraque said...

One more comment for those of my Readers who have posted and/or emailed me within the last 1 to 2 years:

..........

I had been looking forward to reply to your comments before I went to hospital but a lot of interruptions, changes of plans and sudden meetings have taken up most of time.

A lot of damage has happened to my physical condition throughout the many years that I was denied treatment, and this means that now it cannot be fixed with a quick, routine surgical procedure, a bigger and more serious forms of surgery is going to be done....tomorrow (I have left a comment about it by my newest article).

However, if all goes well I'll be back in 5 days counting tomorrow (or so I think). When I get back there will be some pain management and I'll be confined to a wheelchair for some time, but I hope I can get back to work even so although I can't know for certain how quickly I can physically do this.

What I do know is that the very fact that I finally am going to have a future (there's one more treatment I will need after this one, but more about that after this part is successfully over) means I will have a lot more energy and a very different attitude towards my work with this website, in part because now I know I will be able to take it somewhere and make it matter.
..........

I hope to reply to your comments ASAP once I am back home. In the meantime I hope you will be able to show me understanding, and patience, one more time.

Nobody can foretell the future with certainty, all I can say for absolutely certain is that for the first time in at least 2+ years I once again believe there is a future, and a good one at that. I really believe Zhawq is going to prevail and come out a winner again.

My life is not going to be easy all of a sudden, and it doesn't matter that it isn't going to be easy, because what matters is that chance and opportunity will once again be within my grasp exactly the way it should be for all living beings.

..........
P.S. I haven't forgotten the comments at previous articles that raise interesting questions and poses thoughtful ideas and am just as intend on responding to those when I get back as I am in replying to the later ones and to the many emails in my inbox. But I have to start somewhere, and so I've decided to try and keep up with the comments by my latest articles so as to not loose track with my Readers on an ongoing basis, but I will at the same time reply and respond to at least some emails and older comments and that way hopefully with time catch up with it all.

I'd hate to miss anybody who has emailed or commented, but it may not be possible to avoid this completely from happening. In such cases all I can do is urge you to write me again as one of the things I hope to be able to do sometime this year is to update my database and overall managing system so I can keep more precise and easily observable track on every email and comment I receive.

Anonymous said...

Even though you not here right now GOOD LUCK!! Looking forward to having you back.

Anonymous said...

Zhawq,

In your article about the differences between psychopathy and narcissism, you touched on how even professionals often treat psychopathy and malignant narcissism like they're the same thing when in reality they are very different, and mentioned how malignant narcissists (like all narcissists) NEED admiration and respect while psychopaths don't.

After comparing your writings with those of this malignant narcissist HG Tudor (I'm not sure if you're interested or not since it doesn't directly pertain to psychopathy, but the website is https://narcsite.com/), and I think I might have found another difference. Psychopaths...even the ones who do hurt people, usually do so because they think it necessary to achieve a larger goal of theirs, not just because they enjoy making people suffer like it seems malignant narcissists do. Even when you were killing people, you make it sound like you had more complex motivations for doing what you did than just "muahahaha." Resident malignant narc HG, on the other hand, describes in great detail how he emotionally destroys people who have been nothing but kind to him because he's basically addicted to the high doing so gives him. Even during your youthful days on the proverbial dark side, you didn't seem to have THAT level of maliciousness.

Or at least that's what it seems like to me. Since you are in presumably better health now and in a better position to answer, can you tell me if I'm on the right track?

Thinking about it...HG never killed anyone, but he destroys them emotionally with a vindictiveness and malice I didn't know before existed in the real world. Of course, HG's victims, still being alive and all, still have a better chance to recover than a dead man/woman. So would HG be considered more or less evil than a young Zhawq? (Ah, the moral dilemmas I wish I could pose to people I know.)

And good luck with your surgery-I hope it went well and you are or soon will be feeling better.

Frith said...

Well, it looks like your recuperation is proving quite lengthy. Hope it goes well and looking forward to your return when you are well enough.

MS said...

Good to see some activity here. Hope you are doing well and relatively pain free. Cheers until later.

Anonymous said...

You alright there, Zhawq?

Anonymous said...

Hey Zhawq,
Thanks for the article mate...I appreciate it. Yet again the subtle yet striking accuracy of your words has helped me regain some big picture clarity. Cheers

Given the time and respect you have shown me I figure it is only ‘right’ to give a complete reply.

I noticed quite a difference in my internal reaction this time around compared to the last time you dedicated an article to me. That historic emotional need you quickly noticed I had for acceptance, validation and attention/guidance; has been mostly resolved btw. As have many other superficial issues...calm awareness of momentary reactions is taking its place. I see now that devaluing my own emotional/physiological responses was imbalanced. Psychopaths often negate and downgrade the usefulness of emotions, yet I think this probably stem from an over-generalised reaction to the irrational emotionality of other people, and subsequently over-simplifying the matter. Sounds awfully similar to 'their' irrational interpretations in hindsight..lol.

The paragraph you wrote about keeping good people around you; I had come to the same conclusion and had been following that path. Though like most things this seems to be temporary as the common cause only lasts so long as circumstances or my motivation does. A free bird soon moves on to the next tree...but a past mentor taught me why it’s best not to ‘burn bridges’; you never know when you might like to cross them again.

have to add a second comment as I have exceeded the limit...Jay

Anonymous said...

part 2 continued...

Your advice about taking a year or two for education; canny as hell; as usual lol. Exactly what I am doing. Psychology had to much psuedoscience and the theoretical side of many potential interests is steering me away and towards shorter-term options with firm practical benefits. Life is short after all.

On a similar note, I have been focusing on other areas such as health and fitness. This has led to some massive self-improvement and growth. I would highly recommend any psychopath match their primal mind with a primal lifestyle and diet. In doing so, I have come to see the importance of hormones and neurotransmitters in my life and it is easy to apply this to psychopaths in general. Getting my dopamine, serotonin, gamma, adrenalin, insulin and testosterone naturally stimulated and balanced has been...enlightening to say the least.

These things, in combination with a self-improvement focus has also led to rekindling goal based self-esteem building. Each day I aim to move a little closer to where I would like to be across many life domains. This really helps steer in to an upward moving spiral and creates a level of intrinsic reward in day to day activities that has been sorely lacking. Everday is a chance to be better, one step closer to my ideal self, every gain is me winning. Look out, one-man army coming through!

Again you are spot on about the pessimism; very true, and like you, it is fueled by real world occurrences. My return to the online world..then subsequent withdrawl, seems to be behind some seriously close scrutiny. Lest I have little to fear either atm and they can watch me grow stronger and achieve a bit more each day..I’ll just use that in unseen ways for my benefit.

Not sure what to say about luck- other than my head has been of the opinion perceived luck is just a subjective egocentric view that was unable to account for the cause and effect involved. But emotionally, I agree that I too have been incredibly lucky along the way. Together, maybe luck favours the natural.

Survivalists that we are. My sense of future directions in this sense is unusually quiet of late, but this just reinforces the syncronistic messages that are loud and clear in life atm; to do things that prepare for a better future no matter what direction it takes. That with a side of learning to enjoy and appreciate more. What could be more fitting whilst awaiting for mother nature to restore some balance through destruction and renewal...

Indeed, my journey is following the course you describe and has been better for crossing yours. Marilyn Manson’s words come to mind’ We don’t need your faith, we’ve got fucking fate!’

Pleasure as always and until next time; all the best.

Jay Jones

Anonymous said...

Hi Jay

Glad to see you around again.

Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

continued...

I have also noticed what seems to be another distinct variant...those whom basically have no perceptible body odour/scent at all. The examples I have talked with say they usually sweat very little and even when they do they they never smell. I can attest to this being true of them too. Lived and worked side by side and never smelt them at all..even their shoes and socks didn't smell after long hot days of manual labour. Again anecdotal evidence strongly suggest very high active testosterone...though I am unsure about cortisol with them as their is conflicting symptoms. Although they all were no doubt quite psychopathic, it would be hard to superficially class them as typical primary or secondary types as they show elements of both. This is also different from high psychopathic high pure sociopath disposition despite superficial measurements of 'traits' failing to distinguish between them (PCL-R etc.).

I don't think it takes much logic or intelligence to see that generic sociopaths; whose development is quite unique to the individual and largely determined by the timing of environmental influences during specific stages of their personal development; have so many shades of grey that attempts to categorise is very haphazard. It is equally obvious though, that the traumatic and stressful experiences that drive their development is strongly correlated with hightened stress and thus cortisol levels, not to mention adrenalin from fight flight survival responses which often get stuck 'on', causing adrenal fatigue, hypervigilance, and yet more stress.

Suppose there is nothing really that new or interesting about testosterone and cortisol in regards to psychopathy, but a more interesting and subject matter is neurotransmittters.


Like most people who have done a bit of research lately on the Internet etc., I have read studies that show psychopaths release approximately 400% more dopamine in response to certain rewards such as money and amphetamine. This in itself is quite a useful piece of information to understand many aspects of a psychopath's mind and behaviour. Also, given that as far as I am aware an ADHD brain type is part of the package of being psychopathic (and pure sociopaths for that matter), studies on the role of dopamine in ADHD also provides quite useful information.

Researching this topic I came across lists of the symptoms of low dopamine levels..and it was strikingly accurate for me. It is very hard for me to separate ADHD and Psychopathy as the ADHD traits are not only part of the package, they are typically one and the same within a psychopath. In the past I had attributed many aspects of psychopathy to differences in emotional functioning. For example; it seemed logical and apparent that proneness to boredom, a lack of stimulation generally and fleeting motivation that makes it hard to finish tasks or stick to most things...was due to shallow, fleeting emotional affect. It did not take long reading about the role of dopamine to realise that this is the actual cause, not shallow affectivity.

continued...

Anonymous said...

Jay continued..

In summary, these studies show that ADHD has low base levels of dopamine, which actually drive increased behaviour towards things that create a release of this pleasure chemical. Higher release responses and lower general levels create an addiction scenario like a rollercoaster. The more you have of this hard to find pleasure the more you want it, but the spikes in levels from high release/low base levels actually decrease sensitivity; so higher amounts are needed to get the same high. This same pattern is seen in most addictions...and a common example that people are usually familiar with is blood sugar and insulin. Sugar is addictive making you feel good when you get it and bad when levels drop again. The pleasure feeling drives the craving for further intake, and the unpleasant come-down also fuels the desire for more to alleviate the come down. A vicious cycle is formed and the roller coaster of highs and lows begin to cause insulin resistance; just like in the dopamine cycle.

Considering that dopamine is the main driver that motivates human behaviour, a person low in it, or worse still is also stuck in a dopamine addiction cycle, will be greatly affected in their day to day life. It makes it hard to finish writing blog posts, it makes it near impossible to find motivation for things you never wanted to do in the first place. Much of peoples need and desire to be sociable is dependent on dopamine also. A psychopath who naturally has a lot less attachment and need in this area is further hampered if neurotransmitter balances are out of whack. Anyone familiar with drug addicts knows that they get irritable and extreme when they are craving a hit; antisocial (laymen definition) behaviour 101.

Neurotransmitters are part of integrated networks that are responsible for much of the processes throughout the mind and body. They work in tandem, on their own, as opposing balancing forces, and inhibitors and exciters...and thus when one neurotransmitter is out of balance it is highly likely that others will be too, as well as other vital systems like hormones which are inter-related. They key of course like most aspects of human health; is balance. Balance is achieved by the right kind of lifestyle inputs just as the opposite is true; imbalance is achieved through the wrong kind of lifestyle. Balance also brings about the opposite qualities to the high low cycle of addiction..an increased base level of dopamine, a resistance to developing dopamine resistance, and thus more sustainable pleasure AND more of it.

Neurotransmitters are affected by what you eat, your exercise and lifestyle habits, by toxics, viruses, bacteria, parasites..by the drugs you consume, by your moods and emotions, by the levels of stress, sunlight, sleep, vitamins and minerals, allergies and health of your immune system, by your perception and attitude...literally all the systems of systems that comprise your being; and all the external influences affecting them.

Anonymous said...

Jay continued..

Over the last few months I have been experimenting with this holistic approach to self improvement and health... and monitoring my results. I'm sure that would sound too wholesome and rather non-psychopathic to many people, but self betterment and experimentation should not come as any surprise to those who know much about 'us'. The combination of a very natural diet and lifestyle, daily exercise, ADHD mediaction; and just as importantly; holistic, goal-focused experimentation that creates links between all that I do and my self-improvement; has had dramatic results.

Just as bad lifestyle inputs create a viscous downward cycle, doing the right things has created an empowering positive one. I'm sure many people would expect this to resemble a selfish and ruthless personal gain that is all-too often at cost of others. It is not though, it is more of a self-contained journey based on self-awareness, balance and personally created rewards.

Until only a couple of months ago I could not identify any generalised self-esteem comparable to what people typically describe, and thought the slight feelings about myself were very specific to a context, and that could be weighed and measured in real terms; not subjective emotions. Unsurprisingly I could also not detect any compensation for low self-esteem that could be a foundation for narcissism. This has changed dramatically with the approach I have outlined. Those feelings of self-esteem ARE very rational, contextual, and completely personal... and they actually require dopamine to drive them. Dopamine was critically low before this new approach.

Obviously, self-esteem is close to 'home', and now that I have cultivated their connection to actions and results in day to day life... they provide a much needed source of day to reward and motivation that was sorely lacking on the roller-coaster of imbalanced neurotransmitters.

I have also made massive ground in another area, ..leave that for next time.

Cheers, Jay Jones

Anonymous said...

What follows here is written with full consent from and has been condoned by Zhawq. -

First of all Zhawq will tell you himself and with his own words how much he appreciates the supportive posts from his readers here, and he will tell you so himself when he can get back online and do so. He just wanted you to know it now. He could not say anything about what you have written by email because he can't read them and I don't have the right to open anything that has been sent to him in person.

Secondly I will now tell you just a littlebit about Zhawq's situation. -

It all started out relatively well, he had surgery and was then sent to a "care place" of sorts where people get sent to get better and have physical training so they can take care of their daily lives when they come back to their homes.

Zhawq had been given high doses of pain relieving medication due to unusually high levels of pain that he was - and is! - in. All seemed to go well, he kept up with the training to highest degree of satisfaction. But then the personel decided he was suoposed to get weaned off of pain relieving medication and he was stressed constantly by this team that had this idea.

Worst of all, a few days ago the doctors decided to follow the staff team's idea and wean him off. He tried to explain why it was the worst time they could do this because it will mean he can't follow the training and may end up not being able to get back to the new home he has spent all his money on getting (a spending he shouldn't need to afford in accordance to laws in this country people who are considered poor can have a certain amount of money on their bank account any amount below which cannot be taken away from them. But they've taken it all away from Zhawq anyway - against the law, but in this country there just isn't anything a citizen can do in such a situation because the system is geared towards always making the citizen loose a lawsuit against wrongs committed by either the state of the police (same thing really).

So to make it short, Zhawq is xurrently completely pennyless and in constant pain.

The plan is to keep him in that situation, but this is why Zhawq told me to write this comment, because he want to let you all know that he is not giving up, he is still alive - something we weren't sure that he would be! - he is coming back, he going to continue fighting, and he will continue working and write new and more content for the website (for PsychopathicWritings.com ).

The plan is that now he will be able to leave the place where he is now and that means he will be able to do a lot of good things with this website that he hasn't been able to do before.

Things will be even better than they ever were!

-------

Written by a friend with consent from Zhawq.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this update. It has really eased my mind somewhat. I wish him the very best and as always admire his strength. A true survivor!!

Jay, thank you for comments too. Found them interesting ... and uplifting.

(Anonymous but loyal)

Anonymous said...

Keep dreaming of the future you desire Zhawq, and then take steps in that direction....one at a time. Hope steps isn't too cruel a pun lol.

Jay