Monday, September 4, 2017

Hidden Life: The Good Psychopath's Curse.

The following is a mail from one of my long term Readers, someone who has been active himself in trying to spread some light in all the messy ignorance that pervades society about psychopaths and psychopathy-related conditions.


Hi Jay,

I will quote you and then reply as I go along:

Good to hear things are looking up for you Zhawq.

Thank you, I hope I haven't miscalculated the whole thing. I was scheduled to receive surgery on Thur. Oct. 29th, but the brave surgeon who was going to perform the surgery has had a sudden, very serious accident that has rendered him completely incapacitated so he cannot proceed. But he knew another surgeon who was willing to take over and so the whole thing has been postponed for the day after tomorrow, Wed. Aug. 6th. - I am optimistic (I can not and will not fail!). 

I have been on a very similar path to you. ... You of course started the bug as I became much more self-aware reading your articles and have passed this on to others in course.

I have noticed your progress and I must say that I am actually quite proud of you. Few would bother or even understand that sharing information can also lead to a lot of self gratification which is so important to our kind.

I have also had the legal issues that restrict me, as well as my own inconsistency at sticking to tasks

I'm aware of the inconsistency problems, this is something that simply cannot be helped. The good thing is that if you stick with it and are not hindered by laws, regulations, money (tax, fee, etc. etc.) issues and the infamous 'unspoken rules' which is so rampant in more unsophisticated and poorly educated populations and parts of society - or, as in my case, a whole country - you will with time find good people who will want to work with, and for, you. Remember, the hardest part is always the first one or two, maybe three, years. Get past that and nothing can stop you...

In other words, there are people out there who can spot good causes which represent opportunities that are just too good to pass (depending on individual preference, of course, but there's usually something for everyone), and if you make sure to engage the best of those people you will have a loyal and talented team who can help you out in both good and bad times because it's about their future too.

Things seem to have come full-circle though and I am going to drop off the radar and focus on my own private life.

I think that may be a good idea. Who knows, you may find things have changed some day and decide to give it another try. The good thing is that you have plenty of time still. If I may give you a word of personal advice: Take a year or two and spend them on education, make sure to spend time studying subjects that are of essential value to what you aim to achieve in life... subjects like Business, Management and Marketing, IT, Website Creation, Programming & Advertisement, as well as Social Psychology. These are fields of study which all are examples of golden knowledge... 

Study some Economy and a widely spoken foreign language on the side and all that's left is practice and finding the right person who has the same way of thinking as you do, a good idea, experience, and who will take you in as their partner (or in the beginning at least be your mentor), and there will be nothing you can't achieve. I cannot put it any clearer than this. The rest is up to you and Destiny. 

Part of me thinks I may have been leading people down the wrong road as this world is increasingly monitored by authorities. Much of my work was through social media rather than just my websites ... I am beginning to think that the more guarded psychopaths out there were right all along

I have had the same concerns and I will not deny that such thoughts still sometimes pop up, there have been periods where I had these thoughts on a daily basis. I don't think they will ever completely disappear but I'm certain they'll become easier to get past with time. It's just important to not allow such thoughts to overwhelm us especially during the first years where we tend to be alone with our ambitions and visions and have nobody to rely on bur ourselves and our own strength and ability to persevere.

Personally I actually have quite profound reasons for this paranoid tendency of mine (as the psychologists will surely call it) to observe and notice the signs of certain strange coincidences which tend to have some strangely negative and potentially life threatening (or worse) impact upon the life of someone like myself who write openly about the subject of psychopathy while also having the diagnosis myself, and I have thought of writing an article about this very subject. But as things currently stand I have concluded that there is little reason to do so at this point. - But let me return to your email...

To put it short: Jay, I understand your concerns.

Sometimes you don't know what you could loose until after you have lost it. Too late for me, but I don't want to lead others of my ilk down the wrong path either.

This is you looking at the world through a prism of pessimism (we all do this from time to time). But Jay, it is not too late for you and there is no pressure to make any decisions for all future at this point in time. If you feel the need to step down for a bit, do so. Lay low for a while and focus on developing other aspects of your life. Maybe focus on other skills that you have; or explore new ones, test them and try them out. Do that and I can say with almost 100% certainty that in a year from now the way you see things today will have changed dramatically.

And remember, you are a survivor, it is in your nature. This I know for sure.

What has happened to me personally is somewhat unusual. Normally it is only the ones who are completely careless and who are intellectually challenged (retarded) at least to a degree who ends up the way I have (and even they rarely end up in such an extreme - and extremely unjust - situation).

But you know what? I finally realize that I have been wrong throughout most of my life when I thought there was no such thing as bad luck. I thought there was only lack of will or ability to sharpen your ability to predict outcomes. That if you didn't foresee something and make precautions, it was always because you hadn't done enough or tried hard enough....a very typical view on life and reality that a very large number of psychopaths (and sociopaths, generally speaking) believe to be the simple fact about how everything works.

I have always been incredibly lucky, it is obvious that I have been so and I will not deny it. But that is also the reason why I choose to look at my current misfortune as an opportunity to learn and experience for myself what bad luck actually feels like (how much it angers you; and knowing how normal people 'tick' I can see why they loose heart and feel there is no hope, which causes - a sometimes life long - depression) and to understand that indeed, luck, good and bad, do exist, which I can do in a much more realistic way than I have ever been able to until less than approximately 3 years ago when I really began to gain an understanding of what the differences between 'my kind' and 'normal people'.

This is a journey that I sense you too have begun, and I think it is already too late for me to warn you about how addictive this fountain of new knowledge can be. All in all, I think you'll be alright, my friend, and I'm happy that our paths have crossed. May they do so again when the time is right.


Email by: Jay Jones 
Replies by: Zhawq.


Zhawq AmaDraque said...

Tomorrow at this time I will hopefully be about to wake up after having had surgery. Wish me luck. :)

Here's a post I left at Facebook yesterday:

Hello everybody,

in two days I'll be off to hospital for surgery.

It won't be the surgeon who originally agreed to do the procedure. He happened with a serious accident that has rendered him incapacitated and bed ridden. But he believes enough in me to have taken it a step further in spite of his situation and has managed to find another surgeon who is willing to stand in for him.

I should have been under the knife five days ago and was ready to ask you all to wish me well and say 'So long!' and everything, but then the news about my surgeon came back and that has understandably had me preoccupied somewhat.

I'm sure you understand that it isn't indifference that has kept me from writing a line now and then, in fact I think it's fair to say that stakes have been upped a notch and that is something that calls for a bit of extra preparations of various kinds, and that is what has kept me busy.

I'll rather not speak more about it all at this point, and if all goes well I'll also have to try and avoid speaking about it in the future. If all does not go well, someone else will do a lot of 'speaking' in my place. :)
Wish me luck. I'm optimistic, I know I'll get through this alright and am looking forward to be back.

I'll be at hospital for 5 days, after that I'm not completely certain if I'm meant to go directly back to my apartment, and if so, whether or not I'll be able to sit by my computer right away. It is not exactly a small procedure I'm going to have done - after 15 years' delay it has become something more than the routine bit it was to begin with.


Well, that's it for now.

Thanks for all your support, I am happy and grateful to have such awesome Readers and Followers, many of whom have stood by me since the early days and in spite of my sometimes lengthy periods of absence and my sometimes awfully bad writing skills.

So long, and talk you all again very soon.


Zhawq AmaDraque said...

One more comment for those of my Readers who have posted and/or emailed me within the last 1 to 2 years:


I had been looking forward to reply to your comments before I went to hospital but a lot of interruptions, changes of plans and sudden meetings have taken up most of time.

A lot of damage has happened to my physical condition throughout the many years that I was denied treatment, and this means that now it cannot be fixed with a quick, routine surgical procedure, a bigger and more serious forms of surgery is going to be done....tomorrow (I have left a comment about it by my newest article).

However, if all goes well I'll be back in 5 days counting tomorrow (or so I think). When I get back there will be some pain management and I'll be confined to a wheelchair for some time, but I hope I can get back to work even so although I can't know for certain how quickly I can physically do this.

What I do know is that the very fact that I finally am going to have a future (there's one more treatment I will need after this one, but more about that after this part is successfully over) means I will have a lot more energy and a very different attitude towards my work with this website, in part because now I know I will be able to take it somewhere and make it matter.

I hope to reply to your comments ASAP once I am back home. In the meantime I hope you will be able to show me understanding, and patience, one more time.

Nobody can foretell the future with certainty, all I can say for absolutely certain is that for the first time in at least 2+ years I once again believe there is a future, and a good one at that. I really believe Zhawq is going to prevail and come out a winner again.

My life is not going to be easy all of a sudden, and it doesn't matter that it isn't going to be easy, because what matters is that chance and opportunity will once again be within my grasp exactly the way it should be for all living beings.

P.S. I haven't forgotten the comments at previous articles that raise interesting questions and poses thoughtful ideas and am just as intend on responding to those when I get back as I am in replying to the later ones and to the many emails in my inbox. But I have to start somewhere, and so I've decided to try and keep up with the comments by my latest articles so as to not loose track with my Readers on an ongoing basis, but I will at the same time reply and respond to at least some emails and older comments and that way hopefully with time catch up with it all.

I'd hate to miss anybody who has emailed or commented, but it may not be possible to avoid this completely from happening. In such cases all I can do is urge you to write me again as one of the things I hope to be able to do sometime this year is to update my database and overall managing system so I can keep more precise and easily observable track on every email and comment I receive.