Monday, April 20, 2015
I was asked how I deal with Extreme Input (or Excitement-) Deprivation, what the Professionals call Boredom. And I answered The Truth: I knock myself out with Sleeping pills/Benzodiazepines. I don't think I mentioned that I mix these pills with Painkillers which I get because I am in constant Physical Pain due to an injury that this state has refused to heal since I was rushed Consciousless into the ER - this was after having been denied a Second Opinion for about a year during which this injury, which began as a small tick infection, now had become a full blown Infection that was now Critically Life Threatening and which, as it turned out, made it necessary to remove my knee.
This could all have been avoided if my Physician (he was really working for the state... almost all doctors here are, though some have private clinics on the side for the rich(*)) hadn't refused me a reference to have the knee looked at by experts - after he himself admitted that he gave up finding out what kind of bacteria was creating the infection.
Of course I was meant to get a Knee Implant just like everybody else. It is not normal to let people walk around with a stiff and shortened leg which creates extreme imbalanced friction in the rest of the body, in your muscular as well as your bone structure which makes the patient completely disabled and invalid usually within a couple of years (it's taken 15 years with me, but I'm unusually strong), it's just not something you do anymore, not even to people in prison for murder with a life sentence. I mean, it isn't done anywhere else that I know of, but where I currently reside, and here I am the only individual I have been able to find who is forced to live with this condition.
A knee implant is today an orthopaedic surgery which is considered considered routine, and I myself have an acquaintance (a guy who is very obviously a psychopath but who has flown below the radar and never got caught for his crimes which, admittedly compared to mine are less serious) who two years ago began to feel pain in his left knee, went to his doctor, and immediately was given a time to meet up at the hospital 14 days later where he got his knee surgery. He's was back to work and living his life as usual within little more than 2 months during which he went through Physical Therapy Treatment twice a week.
I could only watch and had been denied this almost ten years before the described happened to him which turned out to be a case of slitage. I'e had the same in one knee since I was 16, due to over training Martial Arts, so I'm aware that it is very uncomfortable to live with.
How painful is my condition now? Maybe a little more about that in the next part of this article.
But I was denied this. And since I also did not have access to the money I've 'earned' over the years and stored away in banks overseas, I had to save up in a slower fashion and arrange to get the surgery done in a Private Hospital (example) in India. As mentioned, I was on pain medication which I informed the surgeon about in our correspondence and asked him to give me a guarantee that I would receive this medication during my stay as I would otherwise likely become ill and unsuited for surgery. He complied and send me in his own hand writing a Signed Guarantee vowing I would be given the medication I'd listed and upon which I depended.
But once I arrived things were different. They did not give me the medicine I needed and I became physically too weak to receive surgery wherefore he send me back to whence I came - this hell hole, which have caused me all the pain I have ever received, and that despite if there's a place I haven't been criminal and where I have been trying to change my ways (and succeeded, mind you!), this place is also where all human rights have been completely set aside, eventually bringing my situation to the point where it is now at.
How could the private hospital where I had been given all the guarantee one can wish that things would be done according to law and regulations, be putting my rights aside almost as if it were the same place from which I had left to get this surgery done?
The answer is simple, and I knew about it before I traveled to India but took the chance because it was the only chance I had at the time. I assumed my naturally commanding presence, my ability to 'bond' with people and make them see things my way would take care of the rest, but in reality I had little or next to no contact with the leading staff as well as this surgeon himself whom I met three times for a few minutes each, two of which times I was too ill to really make my dominant traits felt by anyone. And here's the first and most important aspect: I had nobody with me who could stand up for me or speak my case when or if I got in a state that didn't allow me to do so myself.
They knew it, and I knew it, but they took advantage of it, and the surgeon didn't even disguise the fact that this was what he was doing. He even covered his tracks, so to speak, by adding in my journal that I had numerous times told the staff I wanted to go home and they had eventually complied. All lies. I never asked to go home. If I had said much of anything I can assure you it wouldn't have been that!
This was my first directly personal experience with how vulnerable you become if you're alone when in a weakened state.
And since that time everyday things in life have become a battle - more and more by the day because I so deprived - to use the professionals' beloved term: I'm so BORED! that with the extra burden of everything being more and more painful, it has begun to take it's toll on my ability to remain stable and persistent in my work with this website and other everyday matters.
There have been times where I believe I could find other ways to get surgery and to make new social and financial connections, but I have found that the system in this state, this country, which is Northern European but more of a Socialist and Police State than they let on... Sure, the US knows how they really are, and so do many other countries, but they nobody cares (except organizations like Amnesty International and others like them, who have this country very high towards the top of their list, among the third world countries and regimes that we all know negates human rights; but their incessant attempts to make people aware and react are largely ignored, not least by this country itself - it's usual practice is to ignore everything that is unpleasant and criticizes their ways) and other countries allow this one to continue to ignore all their citizen's their Human Rights, Constitutional Rights, Political Rights, etc. etc, because internationally this country plays nice and does what the more powerful nations want from them. It's no big deal to them if they have to buy new, expensive War weaponry and super jets that a small country such as themselves will normally not be able to afford, because after all, the population will be paying the whole thing.
The worst effect of Socialism when it's been extended as far into every detail of the nation's daily life as is the case here, is that it divides the population. When you are forced to pay everything to the state and your basic human rights are stripped from you, you become dependent on the state to take care of everything for you, and your belief in yourself dwindles (this is why this country has one of the world's largest annual suicide rates - though the last 3 years or so the numbers have been tampered with and you can no longer see it by Googling the Global Statistics (Global Statistics Example) of these and other matters of the same nature.
It changed in one year, it happened that fast. From being able to look it up like you look anything up, and see the actual numbers, being able to confirm their likelihood of being honest because you're living among these people - to the following year just seeing nice, generalized numbers that are obviously made just to look good and put people's minds at ease....and then they have convinced the global community that this state has a next to zero rate of corruption...
- There's a reason for this belief as well as a certain grain of truth that has it's cause in aspects of how the system in that country is build up to function, but which we will have to go further into in a future article. And there may be some future articles on these matters because they play a big role in not only why I have begun to loose faith in my ability to actually, practically, make it out of here alive without help from anybody, as well as having a deep seated and prominent role in causing my psychopathy to take the form it did when I was a young kid and a young man - because I have ties to this place that I wasn't aware would be so powerful in their capacity to take away people's hope, their joy about living, and even their ability to believe in themselves as good, worthy beings.
I realize that I've opened up for a subject that will take some writing and therefore fill nicely, text wise, and take some time too, so I'm going to part it up in more than one article. I don't know how many parts there will be, time will show.
There may also be other articles in between posting the next parts of this article, and that'll probably be a good thing. But I hope writing this article series will help give many of my Readers some of the insight into my background that you have asked for all along - because this is what it'll be. It may open up slowly, adding more aspects and past experiences that'll give you some of the understanding about 'who is Zhark?' that you didn't find answered in my other Autobiographical Bits (<-- that's a Label or - as I call it - a Topic(1*)).
A lot of it is mainly about something else but contains bits of autobiographical past experiences which - to those really interested in the mind and workings of an admitted (and diagnosed) psychopath - may be worth reading. Also, not every article I've written is boring, y'know. ~L^,
Finally, before I leave, I would like to tell you, my Readers, that so far it is You who have been keeping me going.
(1*) - Instead of the term 'label' I use the more suitable word 'Topics'. You will see it in the column to the left. You can use it find specific topics. If you want to read some articles where I describe experiences from early in life or just from my youth, or even things that have happened more recently you might want to take a look at the articles that show up if you click the word 'Autobiographical Bits' in the Topics column. If I have written an article about the topic you're looking for, it'll be on that list.
PS. Alternatively, if you don't find anything that describes what you're looking for, you are always welcome to send me an email and suggest that I write about it. '^L^,