Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Kind & Wise Words - For Someone Undeserving?


I have received many comments with regard to my articles about the physical issues that I have. It took my several years before I felt comfortable enough to tell others about my disability and the reason for it because I knew I probably wouldn't be believed. I will write a little more about that in a future article, but mostly I think I'll probably move on to other subjects. However, I did write it on many requests, via emails and in the comments section, so it wasn't a sudden whim of mine.

I will post a comment left by one of my Readers and then do the same with my reply. Here goes...
It is nice to know your problem is not spinal because that is the worst thing. I am not even slightly curious where you are because most countries are overregulated by government and I would not get anything out of knowing your location. People refuse to believe sad stories because they are used to stories with a moral behind them. Someone got into trouble because of some obvious misdeed they did. Random injury and disease does not fit into their worldview. Accepting nihilistic reality would shake them too much and introduce a new layer of stress they cannot even imagine coping with so they are eager to dismiss these kinds of information because they know that the amount of worrying weighted against the amount of change they can make is bad. My health is also bad and I have been reading about doctors and medicine is most advanced countries, some even with a economies that are described as free. Medicine is extremely untransparent and shady and all of that is hidden behind the ideal of privacy.
Anyway you seem to be in a bad situation but not too bad as you can still have things done to you to fix your knee. There are reasons to be optimistic but my guy cannot do anything for you as your problem is missing stuff in your body and all he can do is some manual repositioning. Your problem is mostly money and I cannot really do anything there as I am not a rich person. However I have a scheme to get rich and if I do I will contact you to fix your knee or atleast give you a decent chance at tricking me into giving you the money. It's a win win because I will help you in both cases and either feel good about it or get a lesson from it.
Darius
Here below is my reply...

You're a very kind person and the first who have said you would help me out openly here in the comments section, ever. But I can assure you, that if that was to be, I would not take your money without providing your proof that was impossible to doubt before I received as much as a dime from you. You would be able to meet me beforehand, and that alone would be quite convincing. I can now hardly walk 50 meters without doubling over in pain and I can't bent my knee to sit down normally on a chair. I am thus excluded from most restaurants and cinemas and I can't visit people privately because I can't close the rest room door (my leg sticks out).

So while the people I live among are hard to interact with as such, this makes the isolation complete.

Put on top of that that I used to be very athletic. I was not a leading athlete, but I trained as if I was one. It kept me sane because I have this ADHD-like trait that many psychopaths suffer from... in my experience it is imperative to most psychopaths that they have the ability to stay active most of the time.

I think I will leave it at this but still want to tell you that your comment touched me deeply, so when I didn't reply to you right away the reason was definitely not indifference, rather the opposite. But I have also had some hard days after falling from my chair as I was about to get up, and one of the legs are now so wobley that I've been reluctant to use it again since it's just a matter of time before that leg with come completely off and I'll have nothing to sit in when I write and surf the Internet. Anyway, I'll have to find a solution to that.

Funny as it may sound, my sleeping chair is close to the same state and I'm not sure what to do when that happens. But I'll figure something out.

Thanks again for kind and uplifting words to me. You have wisdom, Darius.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Firstly all the best to Darius for success with his scheme, and to you with the spin-off in regaining your health.
Whether or not anyone is deserving only exists in the mind of those who believe in such a concept. It is therefore always irrelevant, and most of all to human rights – nice touch to have said it though.
I would like to ask you something, Zhawq. How did you get the inspiration to equate the wisdom Darius shows to that picture (and words) - the highest tribute you could have paid to him?

Anonymous said...

Hi zhawk. Good to see you writing again. I am not updated on your posts though. I'll get back to them. Last one I read, you had become a little "professional victim". Probably valid reasons to become one too. The best though, is to use that frustration to explain how You percieve the world and the systems. If the world dont wanna listen, so be it !. You have at least done what you can do.

R.B

Zhawq said...

Anon, Dec. 2. -15, 10:49 AM:

"Firstly all the best to Darius for success with his scheme ..."

Scheme? What scheme might that be that you think Darius has conjured up, and why?

"... and to you with the spin-off in regaining your health."

Thank you. I certainly need it. :)

"Whether or not anyone is deserving only exists in the mind of those who believe in such a concept. It is therefore always irrelevant, and most of all to human rights – nice touch to have said it though."

I agree. How could I not?

"I would like to ask you something, Zhawq. How did you get the inspiration to equate the wisdom Darius shows to that picture (and words) - the highest tribute you could have paid to him?"

I didn't really think in terms of tributes or other concepts like that, I just felt it was a good and fitting text (and image) to add with this exchange.

Zhawq said...

R.B.:

"Hi zhawk. Good to see you writing again."

Thanks, I still write whenever I can, but there are times where it takes longer to get well enough, and I still battle with 'the system', trying to get my rights respected.

I actually have a new idea I will try, I heard about it only recently, but I'll rather not say anymore about it until I've tried.

"I am not updated on your posts though. I'll get back to them. Last one I read, you had become a little "professional victim"."

A what? Maybe you can tell me where all the money I've earned went?

No, playing the victim for the sake of earning money has never been my way and never will be. But I have been misunderstood a lot in my latest revelations, and I wonder if I should have left it out altogether; but people had asked me to tell them about my life off the internet for so long I though it was time that I could do so because I had worked hard for a long time to make everybody understand that the vow I've made to be honest is indeed honest. I guess I was wrong, but we learn all the time and I'm no exception.

"Probably valid reasons to become one too."

What do you mean by that? I have written about several of the ways that I used to make my living (without going into too much detail for obvious reasons), and that alone should tell you that if I was not at a serious disadvantage now I would have absolutely no reason to use such a technique. Add tot hat that I had a personal distaste for that particular kind of making yourself seem smaller than you are and I think you get the picture.

"The best though, is to use that frustration to explain how You percieve the world and the systems. If the world dont wanna listen, so be it !. You have at least done what you can do."

That's what I've done, that is where I'm at.

Anonymous said...

Scheme? What scheme might that be that you think Darius has conjured up, and why?

I was referring to what Darius wrote about his hope of getting rich and used the word scheme because that’s the word he used.

Anonymous said...

honestly, if i were you, and i needed surgery so bad but am not getting it, i would just threaten one of the social workers (that you mentioned in your previous post). just get one of them over to your apartment, tell them that you are in a lot of pain because you couldnt get a surgery, then, when he/she refuses to do shit about it, get a knife from the kitchen (or something similiar), and say that since you cant get the surgery, you would do it yourself, and tell him/her that the reason you got her to your apartment is to call for an ambulance if your plan fails and you bleed excessively. at that point, she should be calling for more help, because they are supposed to make sure you dont try to kill yourself. if she doesnt, then just drink some vodka, smoke a cigarette, and sing a really sad song while doing that, and tell her how much your life sucks and that you might as well just die, and, change your plan (of amputating your own leg) to slashing your wrists. if she doesnt do shit, you can get her out of your apartment, and continue with your day and with trying to get surgery. she should be reporting back to her boss, who should be concerned enough to get you to a hospital. and, voila, you will (hopefully) get your surgery.

this sounds a bit crazy, but it worked in my mind.

Anonymous said...

i found the sad song i was talking about in my previous comment: Hellyeah- 'Moth'
i feel like it describes your situation quite well, but, then again, i dont know your whole story. but listen to it (read the lyrics while doing it), its a great song.

and, i wonder, if you seem so adamant that what you're saying is true, why dont you prove it with a picture? you can take a picture of your leg, and to prove that its not just some image you got off the internet, you can open your facebook/twitter account beside it (assuming that you are not a hacker). you wouldnt even need to reveal your identity, unless, of course, the colour of your skin or your leg is so distinctive that someone a thousand kilometres could identify you with it.

M

Zhawq said...

Anon, Dec. 4. -15, 1:18 PM:

"Scheme? What scheme might that be that you think Darius has conjured up, and why?

I was referring to what Darius wrote about his hope of getting rich and used the word scheme because that’s the word he used."


Alright, but you can probably see why I was confused...

Quoting previous comment exchange:
Anon: "Firstly all the best to Darius for success with his scheme ..."

Zhawq: "Scheme? What scheme might that be that you think Darius has conjured up, and why?"

'^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon, Dec. 4. -15, 3:36 PM:

"honestly, if i were you, and i needed surgery so bad but am not getting it, i would just threaten one of the social workers (that you mentioned in your previous post). just get one of them over to your apartment, tell them that you are in a lot of pain because you couldnt get a surgery, then, when he/she refuses to do shit about it, get a knife from the kitchen (or something similiar), and say that since you cant get the surgery, you would do it yourself, and tell him/her that the reason you got her to your apartment is to call for an ambulance if your plan fails and you bleed excessively. at that point, she should be calling for more help ..."

At that point he would be calling for more help and I would end up in prison, this time for life. Then again, he would most likely not even stay that long. There are plenty of social workers who know my situation, a few have even accompanied me to consultations with the surgeons at the hospital to which I always get referred (they always claim to have no more room at other hospitals).

"they are supposed to make sure you dont try to kill yourself"

Not really, not in this country. They're mainly supposed to make sure they don't get killed themselves. There are plenty of examples of people who have been left after telling they planned to commit suicide. Remember, this is the world's capital of suicide. They really don't care - just enough to hide the truth from outsiders in later years, and of course the general population even though they know about it anyway.

"tell her how much your life sucks and that you might as well just die, and, change your plan (of amputating your own leg) to slashing your wrists. if she doesnt do shit, you can get her out of your apartment, and continue with your day and with trying to get surgery. she should be reporting back to her boss, who should be concerned enough to get you to a hospital. and, voila, you will (hopefully) get your surgery."

I have actually been through all this, and I meant it too. But I reckoned it might be possible to find a hospital who would do an amputation when the situation is so limiting and painful as the case is here. But so far I haven't, and I don't have money to go abroad and get it done.

The bosses within the system have heard too many sad stories to really care about yet another one, and sometimes I get the feeling that they would even prefer if I just died. They never say it, of course, I'm not really sure what to think about them because they don't talk to you, they're the most closed people I have ever met in my travels.

Thank you for your suggestion, but I have pretty much tried all that - to a degree, not all the way since that would definitely mean the end of my freedom. And I don't want to rot in one of their prisons.

Zhawq said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zhawq said...

M, Dec. 7. -15, 6:53 AM:

"i found the sad song i was talking about in my previous comment: Hellyeah- 'Moth'
i feel like it describes your situation quite well, but, then again, i dont know your whole story. but listen to it (read the lyrics while doing it), its a great song."

Thanks. I don't know if I have heard it, probably not but I'll look it up on the web. I can find the text there too.

"and, i wonder, if you seem so adamant that what you're saying is true, why dont you prove it with a picture? you can take a picture of your leg, and to prove that its not just some image you got off the internet, you can open your facebook/twitter account beside it (assuming that you are not a hacker)."

But couldn't I just do that with a fake picture too? I mean, if I found a picture of someone with an amputated knee and a stiff leg as a result, took a picture of it and put it on Twitter. Don't you see, that's what people will think even if it IS me?!

Actually, I had something else in mind, but that would provide some of you guys to have Skype and to log onto it with me. I could let you see my leg and make sure my face wasn't in the frame.

People will still say I lie, but at least a few of you will then know I've told the truth.

..........

I hope the guy who send me a mail in this case reads this. I replied to your mail and expressed my concerns about the obvious possibility of fraud which would make my attempts to show you I'm telling the truth non-effective, and I didn't hear back from you. Since then I wanted to suggest what I have written above about Skype, but now I can't find your mail.

..........

"you wouldnt even need to reveal your identity, unless, of course, the colour of your skin or your leg is so distinctive that someone a thousand kilometres could identify you with it."

There's nothing distinctive about my leegs - except I may be the only person in Northern Europe who has this condition since it's a routine surgery procedure so that in itself may be identifying, but then, I've already told that this is what I'm living with, so there's already a chance somebody can recognize me on that background alone. Other than that, this could be done, but I'd prefer Skype because you'll be able to see how I move too - not to mention how I sit.

I would like to hear what others think about this suggestion?

Anonymous said...

-Zhawq, ignore the first comment. I was just a little crazy after watching Donald Trump talk for hours while looking for memes. It is amazing how contagious his insanity is (even though it would make a great story-- the comment, that is).

-Regarding the picture, if you logged on to your Facebook, you would've proved that the person whose leg is in the picture has access to your Facebook account, and, that is assuming that you couldn't Photoshop images. (Which would probably be the wrong assumption.)

-Skype doesn't sound too bad, other than the fact that I would really like to see it, but am thousands of kilometres away from where you are, and therefore, am in a totally different timezone. (A video might work too) If you do decide to do it, at least post a few photos? Thanks.

M

Tom Arrow said...

I have meditated a bit more. Found out that I was fucking scared of authority. But I mistook that fear for 'it is right to obey'.

The mind can play tricks on one. If they do not want you to believe in hidden truths, all they have to do is bring you up with slogans like 'the conspiracy theorists are all crazy'. They will repeat it so often that it will give you headaches and intense emotions of shame to think anything else.

And that is just one of many hidden beliefs that work in people under the surface.

I am more inclined to believe you now. Not because you are more convincing than before, but simply because I now seem to have entered an emotional and spiritual world that I believe many out there do not wish me to see. In a weird way, that world is darker and more mysterious and complex - but less hazy. Does that make any sense to you?

It is as if all those weird undefinable phantoms that guided your actions suddenly start to make sense. When all those fears you have been unknowingly obeying suddenly have faces. And when a false sense of cautious security suddenly no longer hides the real dangers of the world from penetrating one's soul too deeply.

And in that world, all kinds of bullshit happen.

On a side note, I think Jesus is a slick bastard.

Anonymous said...

You love your labels and yourself so much!!! You have even created this website to love yourself even more. You love being fooled by the medical staff sooo much, that you even produce all this pseudo-scientific nonsense by yourself! You love being fooled sooo much, that now you are now more foolish than your beloved psychiatric staff!!! Your website is a trash full of nonsense - you just get what you want and deserve, because all this shit is what you loved with all your heart.

Anonymous said...

Happy Holidays, Zhawq, and a Merry New Year to you! May all your wishes will come true, at least the ones that aren't dangerous ;-)

LET YOURSELF DREAM BIG AGAIN

Anonymous said...

Hi Zhawq / ???
The fact that you brought up the skype possibility should be sufficient to cause those who want to believe you to do so. On the other had those who choose not to believe would even distrust a skype interaction, suspicious that the person behind the camera might not really be you. For me personally the truth about your identity, your knee, or other facts you present, is immaterial. This in no way means I don’t believe you, but merely that for me it inconsequential.
We all draw what we need from each experience, and access to your site is no exception. My need simply did not include that aspect.
Perhaps that there are still skeptics around points to the fact that you took your vow not to manipulate your readers, seriously. I say this because I know first-hand the power of a Psychopath to accurately read, charm and manipulate a target. Not to mention that irresistible magnetism (sooo nice - lol) which I liken to a magnet passing over a pin.
Look after yourself, and may your source of discomfort end sooner rather than later.
Frith

Ana said...

happy holdiays, zhawq! :) hope that the next year would be better for you.

in romanian, happy holidays is 'sărbători fericite' (the ă is pronounced a bit like the vowel sound in the word 'search')

Anonymous said...

I’ve won his heart, but it’s like living in a house in which most of the doors are permanently locked. He wants to shield me from all unpleasantness. But it’s not really marriage — until he’s willing to share the worst of himself as well as the best of himself

Anonymous said...

Hi Zhawq
Reading through your responses to comments sometimes for a 2nd time, it appears from my viewpoint that it could be more exhausting than writing a new article. It would be so for me, but then I do have an inconveniently high level of empathy, so maybe operating purely from intellect as you do is not 'draining'. What is your perspective on this?
Meg

Anonymous said...

Hi Zhawq
There is wisdom in the old saying “Where there’s a will there’s a way”, consequently when will abates, energy inevitably diffuses. Rightly or wrongly this is my observation of what seems to be happening with this blog. A simple case of cause and effect.
But it’s been great!! Not only do I now understand the experience that brought me here for the cherished life lesson it was, but scanning through your site from its inception has done so much more. Thank you for that.
Hope you find your future fulfilling and best of luck with this blog if you really want to continue with it.
Sincerely, Frith ⁰L⁰

MMS said...

This won't mean anything to you, but your presence and participation on this blog is missed, Zhawq.

Zhawq said...

MMS,

Thank you for your kind words, it actually does mean something to me.

I've just gone through a period of battling pneumonia again - after initially believing I was over the worst I had a relapse and had to go through a second round of antibiotics (Penicillin), this time a much stronger version than the first time around. So I'm a bit weak, but I'll be back, and hopefully soon. '^L^,

Ana said...

omg you're back zhawq! i actually miss your blog posts, and thought that you were dead or something. hope you gte well soon!

Anonymous said...

Hi there
Nice surprise – Just checked your twitter and found the Mr Roboto-Styx Video.
Absolutely stunning – set my solar plexus tingling!
Btw Thanks for your time.
Pixi (nickname)

Anonymous said...

Hi Zhawq
Just watched the Canadian Prison documentary you tweeted. What can I say? Anything imo that broadens one’s outlook and awareness of the world and life in general is time well spent and this experience exceeds most.
There are a few aspects I can’t resist briefly commenting on although others are equally valid.
-Not so sure one assessment system fits all is ideal.
-Why, why, why were the woman denied their gym and other facilities and moved into a unit within a hard-core male prison, instead of using woman for strip searches? Fail to get the logic there.
-That low security prison with inmates being responsible for their own home environment as preparation for release – well done Canada!
-Super max prison segment just broke my heart. All I can say is lock human beings up like monsters, and expect monsters. Surely it doesn’t take rocket science to foresee the dangerous consequences of such brutality.
Thanks for bringing this to our attention.
Pixi (again)

MarigoldRan said...

You're right on the remorse part. Feeling remorse or empathy is not difficult. Remembering the emotion after a period of time is the problem, correct?

Or am I wrong?

The issue here is alexithymia. Look it up. Most aspies and psychopaths have it. Hence the similarity of traits.

MMS said...

Hi Zhawq
Found this natural remedy for pain and specifically joint and arthritis pain during your absence, but am posting it here rather than with your latest article which I am still studying.
In a small saucepan, bring 4 cups of water to boil. Add 1 teaspoon each of ground turmeric and ginger, boil for about 5 minutes. Then strain and add the 1 teaspoon of oil (such as olive, coconut, flaxseed etc) and ½ teaspoon of black pepper to increase turmeric absorption. You can add honey/lemon juice to taste if you like.
There are no official dosing instructions for ginger and turmeric tea. You can drink 1 cup of it on days you feel extra achy.
Although these herbs are considered safe and without significant side effects when used appropriately by adults, each may interact with certain prescription medications. For example both may not be safe if you have a bleeding disorder or take blood-thinning drugs.
Hope it works for you. - MMS

Anonymous said...

I think it would be sound advice to try to seduce some of the overly charitable people who volunteer time and money to help those with problems like you have and use them to get some sort of medical assistance or an operation. Other option is to try to blend in with immigrants comming from Syria, Eritrea or Somalia, don't worry about your race you can basically fit as any ethnic group, there are all kinds of races, and make some other country take care of you. Third option is to try to make them amputate the leg if you have no other option so you can be a functioning cripple. Many people without a leg or two lead mostly normal lives, some are even very athletic. Darius.

Anonymous said...

Your advice is very logical. I think you must be an interesting person and I would consider myself lucky to have a friend like you to enjoy in-depth discussions with.