Thursday, May 7, 2015

I'm A Middle Aged & Mellowing Psychopath.


When I was A Child I had Certain Beliefs, certain Convictions, And Certain Wishes for My Future, for How My Life Would Be and for What I Would Accomplish.

I don't know how typical I am as a psychopath, but I guess most psychopaths think likewise about themselves.

What I do know is that I always thought I would find a Soul Mate, and for many years I expected to fall in love like I saw others do. A lot of broken Illusions could have been avoided if somebody had told me that the way I would - or will, if I get the chance - be able to connect with a woman is not the same way that most people connect with a special person. 

Such a person could've told me that I cannot love in the same way that normal people love, and a little later in life there were a few who tried to tell me this. But by then I had already had so many negative experiences with people filling me with false hopes and/or condemning me for being a non-human at the same time - a long line of disappointed expectations and encounters with what I will still to this day call plain and simple mean cruelty towards someone who was different from the norm - and so I did not listen to these people when I finally met some who told me the truth about me not being able to love the same way that normal people love.

So I disregarded what these few individuals said and continued on with my belief that without doubt I would some day meet someone I would love and who would love me.

Now, that I am about midways through my life, I am experiencing what professionals said I wouldn't: I am going through the famous mellowing that most psychopaths go through around this time in their lives (though for most it happens earlier), and maybe it is time I explain a little more about what mellowing means to me.

I have always had an energy that got me running like a steam train without breaks. Robert Hare calls it the psychopath's ADHD-like behavioral element[1*]. This energy used to block off much of what other people tried to tell me, and that coupled with my bad experiences with listening to others at all, made me run in my own direction which turned out to be very bad choices in many cases. I thought I couldn't trust what anybody else told me, so I had to experience everything for myself.

Hence the first murder, hence the rapes, and hence so many other bad things, some of which at the time gave me those big thrills that I always craved so much.

I will in an upcoming article point to some things about me in my very early life which - in my opinion, and, I'm sure, in the opinions of those psychopathy researchers who have given the world the latest groundbreaking and most important discoveries about psychopaths as we are in reality rather than in the speculation of somebody's mind,... they will share this opinion of mine, the opinion that I had in my Neurogenetic make-up all the traits of what should've become what Kevin Dutton calls a Good Psychopath, a pro-social psychopath and a non-violent, non-criminal and non-abusive psychopath.

More on that in a later article, but for now I will tell you that all the thrills and curiosity satisfying bad deeds that I have done in the past, were done in another era and I have changed profoundly since then - funny enough, I didn't change much in prison, it was when I came out and got access to a computer, and finally when I began to seriously study and do research about what psychopathy is and how it might relate to myself... It was this that brought about the real change.

And now I can honestly say that I have no wish to neither repeat nor do something similar as I did before my imprisonment. I have absolutely no wish to return to that way of life.

And after all, I have already lived that life, so why would I do it again? Especially with the understanding of how hollow my reasons were for what I did, it simply is something I will not return to - even though I sense it is expected of me, and at least two different of my psychopathy research affiliated supervisors have an urge to push me back into that life style that they aren't even consciously aware that they have and that they're acting out every time they're around me. But thanks to my natural instinct for psychology I know exactly what they're doing and I never take advice from neither of them (though of course I have to play the game and pretend to find their suggestions noteworthy and of special interest).

I have no lust for blood or for being violent anymore. I was that way for most of my life, and now all I want is to be given a chance to live a non-criminal life, a life with someone whom I can take care of and who's side I can stand beside throughout the remaining years of our lives. I am not good at cooking or other house keeping activities (though I can help and also learn fast), but I am good at everything practical that a house needs done.

If I had a knee implant, or an amputation (which may be called for because by now it may be too late for a knee implant - I'll need expert orthopedic surgeons to decide that) and prosthesis, so I can walk almost normally, there isn't much I can't do.

And this is what mellowing coupled with traits I were born with, as well as my own hard work during the last 3-4 years, has meant to me. I have changed and will never again be the guy everybody fears - though I can always do what's needed if somebody I care for is being threatened - that part never goes away: What you've once learned will remain in your repertoire of skills.

I wonder if I will be allowed to live like normal people - like surely most psychopaths do. I can see myself and a woman I love, a woman who is my equal and who will never need to be afraid of me, ever!! - in a house or apartment in San Francisco, or Philadelphia, or anywhere is a possibility, South America or England for instance - but not Northern or North Eastern Europe.

Ah, but I better stop dreaming. Hope is necessary, but to start thinking somebody might like you enough to let you make her happy is a dangerous thing.

I will never be 'normal' in the way that 'normal' people are 'normal', but I don't have to be normal to be happy or to make others happy, and that is all that matters to me.

..........
[1*] - I can add that this ADHD-like condition of mine has made my inability to walk, run, sit normally, and sleep in a bed like other people, which is the result of me not receiving a knee implant, also interferes severely with my ability to focus. I can hardly read a book because of this, and maybe me Reader can see why it also makes my keeping this blog a major accomplishment, something I really want to do but which I am regularly too impaired to do. And I hope I have your understanding and patience for I promise you I am doing my very best - and yes, I Will get it done!

60 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Such a person could've told me that I cannot love in the same way that normal people love, and a little later in life there were a few who tried to tell me this. But by then I had already had so many negative experiences with people filling me with false hopes and/or condemning me for being a non-human at the same time - a long line of disappointed expectations and encounters with what I will still to this day call plain and simple mean cruelty towards someone who was different from the norm..."

***YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!***

Who the hell do you think you're fooling, and who do you think you'll dupe into a "relationship" with you?

YOU want a soul mate? Bull Fucking Shit!

Here are quotes from YOU, on this blog:

"Will you believe me, when I tell you that the words 'For your Love' in this song, to me in this case on that particular day meant: 'For that Love of seeing you suffer and bring unto you the most exquisite, transcending of destruction and pain!'?

To me this is Beautiful beyond imagination! It cannot be measured nor equaled!"

******

"I think some of the explanation for this can be found in the psychopath's ability to give his subject (or victim, if you will) his complete and whole attention... I have emptied quite nicely packed bank accounts... I have revisited a few 'darling subjects' as well, but I have of course also had the sometimes inevitable heated emotional crying and begging switched and turned into shouting and accusing me of all sorts of things..."

******

"For what I would call obvious reasons I will at times build a relationship with someone I've found interesting and useful. And it invariably leads to various levels and expressions of bitterness towards me when I finally leave to pursue new experiences and opportunities. No doubt some of these ladies, some of these girls and playmates, have eventually decided I was victimizing them - even when I hardly made any effort to influence them psychologically - something I admittedly had a weakness for doing.

To me Mind Games (playing games with somebody's mind - also called Psychological Manipulation), preferably in conjunction with sex, though not necessarily always at the same time, holds a very special attraction and excitement to me."

******

"I'll rather Be Your Man than have your neighbor be (let him do his dog - or something). ;)"

******

Let me see you have the BALLS to publish this comment, Zhawq. What happened to the grandiose confident psychopath you were? NOTHING! This is nothing more than another game you're playing. A desperate one, yes, but a game nonetheless.

YOU LIE AS YOU BREATHE -- You said so yourself. And now you've posted this twisted "personal ad" so you can find a victim to save you.

NO ONE is going to rescue you. And what respect would you have for anyone who did? Why don't you be the All-Powerful Psychopath that you are, and save yourself? I'm serious. Stop this bullshit. Get serious with yourself. You're not fooling anyone.

I see that you're desperate, and I'm sorry for you. But for god's sake, have some dignity, and treat others with dignity and not like they're some stupid freaking morons.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Anonymous thinks he/she is up for love with this full of hate attitude.

If one wants to seriously engage in a relationship one just have to do it and I think that Zhawq can really focus on doing what he wants to do.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I'm a psych student and I'm conducting what may turn into a study (if I get a decent sample) regarding differences in emotional reaction between (merely) anti-socials and psychopaths in successful (non-convicted) psychopaths and anti-socials. I'm nearly half-way through the sample size I need. I would appreciate you cooperation. For you to participate, you just need to fill in this form: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1RcNBY3DcofwOuJxV-1OT85RgYOCkecsE18jOu8lDGgc/viewform
It's short, won't take long.

Note that I'm looking for people who were diagnosed by a mental health professional and were abused as children/teens, as defined here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LzkSHa8ZP2UNH0esC4d5y7iJIVztrZgEgaBavL91ozc/pub
I know, it's a broad definition, but it's used in many countries in Europe and seems consistent with the definitions used in the us - at least in some states, and I wanted to be as inclusive as possible within the limits of what's reasonable.

If you were ever convicted you can also respond (it may be useful for comparison.

Anonymous said...

Hope things get better in your life, and that you keep blogging here. :)

Anonymous said...

I would say that it is the majority of people who cannot love. The just pretend or trick it in many different ways. It is only a very small minority that really can love and is - what you call - neurotypical. Don't be fooled, they are just neuro-not-typical in different ways.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 7 -15, 5:14 PM - part 1:

"***YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!***"

Why do you say that? That quote is the truth. Would you have said the same had you not known about my diagnosis? I don't think so.

"Who the hell do you think you're fooling, and who do you think you'll dupe into a "relationship" with you?"

History shows that it is not finding someone who will be with me that is the problem, it is finding the 'right' someone (just as it is for everybody else).

"YOU want a soul mate? Bull Fucking Shit!"

You cannot determine what I want. Only I can do that.

Regarding the next quote you bring, I don't think I can ever explain to you why I think dark lyrics can be beautiful. It's a paradox, but it doesn't make me a bad person.

THe next quote, I cannot deny that I have done these things and I cannot undo them, but I can say this much: I have vowed to never do it again and I would not sit poor and halfway disabled now if I wasn't a man of my word, I have done what I said I would do, and I will never mistreat a woman like I have done in the past ever again.

Another thing that may not have show from my texts is that I have had close ones whom I always treated well even as I would abuse others who usually knew they were not the only ones (so to speak - the truth was they were nothing to me).

The next quote: This is how it used to be for me. I lived that way for years. Can you imagine how bored a person will become after a while when his life is so empty and his feelings so shallow that all he can think of doing is playing mind games in conjunction with sex?

I know many people who still live this way to this day, but for me it had to end. I could not have continued that way because I always knew there was something more in life... or let's say, I always thoughts, felt, there were more.

Maybe the laugh will be on me, I don't know. Maybe it will turn out that there wasn't anymore and I'm an idiot for thinking there is. But I will not find out if I don't give it a try, and try I do, whole heartedly!

I'm not sure where you have the next quote from. If I have wanted a woman so much I didn't care if her neighbor - who also loved her - did his dog instead of her, I don't think that is psychopathic as such. I think it's common male thinking: "Stay away from my lady!"

"This is nothing more than another game you're playing. A desperate one, yes, but a game nonetheless"

You call it playing games, I call it being honest. If you think it is a game, you certainly do not know me as well as you think you do. I can't blame you, it is normal to think this way about the way psychopaths act and think, but if after all I have done to try and explain that psychopaths are different in between individuals, and that psychopathy itself is a spectrum that means not all are equally psychopathic... if none of this has found any resonance with you, then there is little I can do about it.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 7 -15, 5:14 PM - part 2:

I don't blame you for thinking the way you do about me. After all, what I've put forth is a big mouthful that would make any person stop and think 'Can this be true?'. Well it is true, and you can believe it or not, it doesn't change the fact.

"YOU LIE AS YOU BREATHE -- You said so yourself."

Wrong. I've said I lie a lot in my private life, and this is true. But I also said that I wouldn't lie on this blog, and I have kept my word.

"And now you've posted this twisted "personal ad" so you can find a victim to save you."

You still don't get it. If this was about finding someone, a victim, to save me, I could do that right where I am. Her personality wouldn't matter, she would just be a tool.

But I want something genuine in life and for once I also genuinely want someone I can truly care for like I have cared for no other because I didn't have the maturity to do so until I went through these four years of introspection.

It's been hard, and I have made mistakes, but I haven't set out to hurt anyone since I began keeping this website.

I can even tell you that there was a woman I felt more for than I have any other before or since, that it happened during the time I've been writing this blog, but circumstances tore us apart and since then she cut off all contact, and you don't know how much it pains me that I still to this day don't know if she and her room mate got their things back, which they had loaned to me until I got my own.

I still think about it from time to time, and it still bugs me, but you wouldn't expect words like these from a psychopath, would you? And so you probably dismiss them as lying too. How sad, but there will always be those I can't reach, and that's alright, that's the way of man. He needs time to understand that what he thought was red was a certain way was so much more than that.

This is not about rescue, if anything there may be some hope for a helping hand, but that's a whole different ball game.

I am not all powerful, who on earth gave you that impression. If anything, you should have learned that most psychopaths are wearing well prepared facades that are meant to make people think they're all powerful, but we're no more powerful than you are - in some ways, yes, but then, you (normal people) too are more powerful than us in other ways.

Believe me, I'm as serious as can be. I knew when I wrote this that some people would read it the way that you have, but I have vowed to be honest, and that is what I am. That is the best I can do.

I hope with time as research shows the more faceted reality of psychopathy, that you will come to see us differently. After all, we are part of life too, we live and interact with you. Let's hope we can change the way we do that to something more progressive of friendly to our species, mankind.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 9 -15, 5:30 AM:

"Hope things get better in your life, and that you keep blogging here. :)"

Thank you, I appreciate you saying this. And yes, I will keep blogging here - but I may have little periods where illness (and depression) holds me back.

I hope you will keep reading my blog too. :)

'^L^,

Zhawq

Zhawq said...

Anon May 7 -15, 10:32 PM:

"I wonder if Anonymous thinks he/she is up for love with this full of hate attitude.

If one wants to seriously engage in a relationship one just have to do it and I think that Zhawq can really focus on doing what he wants to do."


The poster doesn't understand me and doesn't understand that I have gone through a genuine change - one that isn't that unknown to scholars/psychologists, btw. - and he/she probably never will.

It's okay with me, and like I said to him/her, I kind of expected this response. But to you I want to say that I appreciate your support. When you're in a tight spot it means a lot to get a friendly word from someone who believes what you're trying to say.

On the other hand I've been hardened throughout a life where people didn't believe what I said. You see, I wasn't born a liar, it is something I became and I remember easily and clearly how it came about. But that's a topic for an upcoming article. '^L^,

Anonymous said...

Somewhere in your blogs you've talked about indeed having emotions. Do you think your emotions are more like water and normals more like wind? Totally different movement, but there. That probably sounds silly. I'm less than a year into discovering the existence of the dreaded psychopaths! So, forgive me if that is a strange question.

Anonymous said...

Just checking back to see if you'd had a chance to reply and it occurs to me that you are talking about feelings n such in this very post. Haha, oops! I'm foggy minded, perhaps.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 9. -15, 7:05 AM,

Earlier today, before I had to leave, I went to the URL you have provided, filled it out and submitted it. You're right, it's very quick and very easy, and I had personally no qualms with providing information of the nature that you ask for.

I must say it's an interesting and even exciting study you have taken on there, and would love to hear about the final result, how it was received, and if you plan to continue doing research - and maybe even pursue a career - within this field of work?

Your style is so different from what I have been used to for many years. You 'ask' if I will help, and of course I will. I have nothing but reasons to do help if and where I can, so you can note that for the future as well. :)

I don't know if I strictly belong to the group that you are researching now since I was never physically assaulted sexually. But I was certainly sexually abused in other ways that have influenced my resentment toward what I considered 'the norm' and 'normal people', and it has definitely influenced my sexuality and it's strong bent towards the part of sexual sadism that deals with humiliation, physically and otherwise.

I can easily live without this kind of sexual activity, and have for the most part, but there were years where it did have a strong hold on me, just as it no doubt plays a central part in me committing what must be classified as rape at a fairly young age on one occasion, and on another occasion what can be strongly debated whether or not it was rape, but which was nevertheless classified as such (but also not doubt would not have been so had I not had an earlier case that was indisputable).

I will leave you with all this information to make up your own mind about my place in the results of your studies. I have made sure you can recognize me despite you having gone to admirably great length to ensure anonymity.

I really hope to hear from you when your study is finished and has been evaluated by your school and all - and I also hope you study at a good school that understands these matters well enough to be able to evaluate your work realistic and fair. From the little I have seen you certainly deserve the best.

'^L^,

Zhawq.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 11. -15 - 2:45 PM:

"I would say that it is the majority of people who cannot love."

This has always been my standpoint as well. But I didn't know what I know now: They do have the capacity neurologically speaking, they just didn't get an upbringing that taught their brains the trigger of love.
Also, in many cases it is still possible for the people to have an experience of true love, there has been made films about this, some of them are good ones too.

"The just pretend or trick it in many different ways. It is only a very small minority that really can love and is - what you call - neurotypical."

Again, this is what I used to believe. But by definition the majority of people are neurotypical - thereof the word 'typical' in neuro-typical.

But yes, a lot of false parading goes on, and if you're a psychopathic child with strong ADHD-like tendencies who speaks out his mind because he knows he's right, you'll get shunned and hated for calling and apple an apple when everybody are thinking everything is fine if only we all call apples for marshmallows.

You've already guessed from whom people learn how to dance this social dance of faking to-be: Their parents, who learned the same thing from their parents, and so on. All, down the line, one after the other, were also taught strictly and immediately if they questioned things, that this was not acceptable, or at the very least it would lead to heart ache and lost opportunities.

"People won't like you if you don't pretend to fit in! For your own good, son, do what the other boys do and forget about all those silly questions in your head. Only the wealthy and powerful can get away with questioning status quo, but they live off it, we live by baking bread/driving a truck/going to the factory everyday!"

"By questioning the way we do things you question our livelihood and our integrity. Who do you think you are, boy!!?"

"Don't be fooled, they are just neuro-not-typical in different ways."

Now that is definitely true. The funny part - for us who knows - is that science is on their merry way to finding this out, and the less funny part is that it's going to cost tears and possibly lives, because people do not like to be told their boogeymen weren't boogeymen after all but people like themselves who just happened to have certain differences which made them stronger in some ways (especially if they were being alienated), and weaker in other ways like in for example they can't feel as deeply and consistently about as much as normal people can.

If the human race is to survive, we need to find a way to co-exist. We know psychopaths have a large part of the blame for titling the world economy, and we also know - and the rest of the world is beginning to realize - that the things that toppled the global economy are still going on just as if nothing had changed at all to this day, and if we don't reach an understanding at a level that far surpasses what we have seen yet, our offspring - and we, in our old days - will see a very, VERY grim future become reality.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 12. -15, 11:27 AM:

"Somewhere in your blogs you've talked about indeed having emotions."

Yes, of course. We all have emotions, it's only a matter of degree and depth.

"Do you think your emotions are more like water and normals more like wind? Totally different movement, but there."

It's somewhat difficult to answer this in short, but I'll try: There is a spectrum of emotions that is hardwired into the human biology via genetics. A small percentage of human being lack a few of those emotions entirely, an even smaller percentage lack a lot of those emotions entirely, but we all do have some emotions in common, psychopaths and non-psychopaths.

The difference comes in where emotional experience is formed and cemented. The lack of what some have dubbed 'conscience' (bad word, but I use it here in lack of space to explain in depth), we have the "freedom" to develop f.ex. sadistic emotions, delight at watching others in pain.

Most people would probably believe this is completely different from any human experience of emotions, but in reality it is there deep within all of us, it's just that we psychopaths lack the barriers that stops such emotions from developing in normal people.

Let me say in continuation, though, that percentage wise it is only few psychopaths who are disposed to active sadism. Just as many psychopaths love to do something to put a smile on other people's faces, I've seen in even in prison.

"That probably sounds silly. I'm less than a year into discovering the existence of the dreaded psychopaths! So, forgive me if that is a strange question."

Being inexperienced with psychopathy research doesn't make you strange, and your question is very understandable. A LOT of people have asked the exact same question, so don't worry, you're doing fine. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon May 12. -15, 3:00 PM:

"Just checking back to see if you'd had a chance to reply and it occurs to me that you are talking about feelings n such in this very post. Haha, oops! I'm foggy minded, perhaps."

Alright. I'm sorry I hadn't replied at the time, but next time you stop by I will have.

Which comment did you write, and do you have thoughts or arguments to add to my reply?

Anonymous said...

So... if you try to define such term as "neuro-typical" and continue by telling that it is the majority, you are stuck here in a contradiction.

In fact "neuro-typical" is a pseudo-scientific myth. It is a tool to cut you off from the truth and from the faith.

Anonymous said...

I had a revelation reading that final afterword...I know all to well what you mean, my lack of mobility is the reason my head is so clouded and I can't think straight. It fits. Silly me, to busy getting stoned.

Anonymous said...

It's nice to see you've met someone like that. I have my doubts about it, but know that I am not jeering you. Neither am I cheering.

Do you plan to tell her about you're psychopathic mind? Or rather, you being a psychopath?

Anonymous said...

You write that you have undergone genuine change - something that is not unknown to those studying psychopathy.

It is true that those with a Cluster B condition can mellow with age in terms of thrill seeking or criminal activity. However, those traits that are hard-wired do NOT change. And those are the traits necessary for genuine attachment.

I don't think that psychopathy has been examined enough by the medical/psychological community to fully understand the disorder. What we know and think today might very well be obsolete in 5 years.

But I think the words you have chosen speak volumes.
"And after all, I have already lived that life, so why would I do it again?"
In one of your comments you talk about "I would never mistreat a woman again like I used to".

Both quotes strike me as cold and lacking empathy. They read like you understand on an intellectual level that your former life (style) is hurtful, dangerous and vicious to society. But I find that a genuine understanding is still lacking.

Describing a past life of rapes (and murder) as "...why would I do it again?" seems more about you becoming bored with those past thrills than genuinely understanding the magnitude of your actions. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's how it reads to me.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 13. -15 - 1:56 AM:

"So... if you try to define such term as "neuro-typical" and continue by telling that it is the majority, you are stuck here in a contradiction."

I disagree. Typical is one of the definitions of the words 'norm' and 'normal'. And the norm for normal people is to have neuro-typically wired brains. That is not to say the aren't differences, but typical doesn't 'same' or 'without variety'.

"In fact "neuro-typical" is a pseudo-scientific myth. It is a tool to cut you off from the truth and from the faith."

On that we can definitely agree. The terms 'normal' and 'abnormal' are there to differentiate and cut off minorities from the majority of normal people. In reality there is no specific line between what is normal and what isn't beyond what we as a society decides - and that means 'we' as professionals and experts to some extend in cooperation with the uneducated.

It serves a purpose as all terms serve a purpose.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 13, 2015 at 5:08 AM:

"I had a revelation reading that final afterword...I know all to well what you mean, my lack of mobility is the reason my head is so clouded and I can't think straight. It fits. Silly me, to busy getting stoned."

Yeah, you have to have lived it in order to understand it.

The problem with lack of understanding also occurs with people who suffer from actual ADHD i.e. ADD, as well as people who are physically disabled, but with psychopaths it's even more normal to completely dismiss the fact that there can be difficulties at all because people have this belief that we can't feel anything so we can't possibly suffer.

Do you receive no kind of help or attempt to help you with this problem?

Zhawq said...

Anon May 13, 2015 at 4:20 PM:

"It's nice to see you've met someone like that."

It's nice to see I have met who? I haven't met anybody for months, I can't go anywhere so how could I?

"I have my doubts about it, but know that I am not jeering you. Neither am I cheering."

Well it's a relief that you aren't cheering. That would make you hateful indeed. :)

"Do you plan to tell her about you're psychopathic mind? Or rather, you being a psychopath?"

What? Tell who... oh, if I meet a woman, do I plan to tell her about my psychopathy diagnosis?

Yes, absolutely. There will be no secrets, and that is probably one of the things that will make it extra difficult, because it is so hard to believe someone once you hear they are psychopaths. This is why she will have to be very special indeed, she will have to be someone who has as big a heart as she has a smart and clever head that can see what people are really like, or at least who has faith that it is possible to meet the right person as I too believe.

All I can do is hope and wait, I cannot force something like this, every normal person who has experienced love knows this, and I will have to rely on everything I have learned from studying, looking at, and reading the words of normal people about this subject, about love and partnership between two people.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 14. -15, 5:47 AM - part 1:

"You write that you have undergone genuine change - something that is not unknown to those studying psychopathy."

It is my luck that this is indeed not unknown among professionals, yes. But if it will practically make any difference is another question - at least for as long as I'm stuck in this backwards and largely rural European land.

"It is true that those with a Cluster B condition can mellow with age in terms of thrill seeking or criminal activity. However, those traits that are hard-wired do NOT change. And those are the traits necessary for genuine attachment."

Exactly as you write it. Not everybody understand that there's a distinction between mellowing cognitively and changing emotionally. But while some emotional change necessarily happens simultaneously, it will never be possible for a psychopathic individual to adopt emotions that weren't possible to begin with due to genetic causes.

"I don't think that psychopathy has been examined enough by the medical/psychological community to fully understand the disorder. What we know and think today might very well be obsolete in 5 years."

I'm convinced you're right about this. We definitely haven't studied the condition thoroughly enough and with an open enough mind that was ready to think outside the box, but that's exactly what is happening now, and I think you're absolutely right that a lot will change in 5 years as well as onward.

But things will not change that fast behind the borders within I currently live. That is why I have to get out of here, or my change and my will and wish to help with this study will remain completely unused. There's a distinct hostility towards thinking or even researching along new lines and possibilities. They do help to some extend, gathering data for f.ex. Doctor Robert Hare and his now extensive team of well educated helpers, but using them themselves, not a chance.

"But I think the words you have chosen speak volumes.
"And after all, I have already lived that life, so why would I do it again?"
In one of your comments you talk about "I would never mistreat a woman again like I used to".

Both quotes strike me as cold and lacking empathy. They read like you understand on an intellectual level that your former life (style) is hurtful, dangerous and vicious to society. But I find that a genuine understanding is still lacking."


It is true that the deeper emotional understanding is lacking, but I understand the necessity and importance of following the rules, I understand there are reasons for them even if I don't always see their purpose. On the other hand, when I give it time and attention enough I often end with an understanding, cognitively.

I don't see my statements as cold, and I know I can have empathy though not of the same depth and as long lasting as normal people's, and one thing I definitely have is sympathy. This I have always understood.

If I seem cold in saying the lines you quote, that may be, but callous they are not, they are statements of acceptance and realization of how it is. And I can care for people (and animals) in my own way, lastingly as well.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 14. -15, 10:14 AM - part 2:

One of my best friends I was loyal to for over ten years showing her this loyalty (where I was the one doing all the work to keep the friendship working), and I only stopped last year after having been aware the last three years that she had lost all interest in upholding the friendship. She wasn't neuro-typical herself and was emotionally challenged. I helped her grow in several areas, which she herself would be the first to attest to, just as she was the one asking me for this help, but when her interest seized - and though she didn't tell me but showed me so by not responding to attempts and greetings, I let it go. I feel I have failed, but I know that isn't an uncommon experience among normal people.

What I'm tying to say here is that I have been trying to follow normal wishes to do good that I've harbored since childhood (more about that in a future article - soon) and I have a very strong capacity for loyalty, understanding, sympathy, and friendship - though the latter may not be the exact same cut as that of normal people. Most enjoy my friendship, though.

"Describing a past life of rapes (and murder) as "...why would I do it again?" seems more about you becoming bored with those past thrills than genuinely understanding the magnitude of your actions. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's how it reads to me.

ANd you read it right because that it what I 'wanted' it to be at the time when I wrote it.

This is another aspect of my blog. The first couple of years I upheld to some extend an outward persona that fit that of most people's idea of what a psychopath is.

That doesn't mean I lied, but it means I held back everything that had to do with emotion on my part. I kept the front of the non-feeling 'robot' that I can also be if the situation calls for it.

It's just that in the meantime, since the time when I wrote the things you quote, I have found that I'm missing out by limiting myself to a 'tough facade'.

Again, there will be more about this in an upcoming article (probably my next which I will publish in a few days), so in this reply I will leave it at what I have said so far.

I hope it is of some use to you, that in the instances where you definitely are right you will find that I agree openly, but that there may also be a small opening for wonder here and there if maybe I can change more than you initially assumed - obviously I will not sprout deep empathy genes, but you I hope you have a feeling of what I'm getting at.

Finally I would like to say that I appreciate your contribution. Most people with your background, and those with a finished education who are working in the field (I don't know if that is the case for you, but I can tell you have some schooling about psychopathy - as well as I can tell, other Cluster B conditions). Most chose to write my privately, but I wish more would do what you have done here and also post in the comment section.

I have a lot of Readers who understand more about psychopathy than shows when you first read through some of the comments, I have Readers from all walks of life and I couldn't ask for more.

Anonymous said...

You cannot define neuro-typical as majority, because this definition is purely abstract and simply not true. In reality we call neuro-typical something that the majority is trying to pretend. But pretending is not being. In reality the majority consists of different minorities. And only one of these minorities is what we call neuro-typical. But be careful: it is one of many possible minorities! Abstract definition does not match facts here.

I hope you understand, what I mean. If you believe in something like neuro-typical you believe in something that is abstract and simply not present in reality.

In other words: psychopathy is only one of many minorities. But when the psychologists call you neuro-not-typical you are fooled here, because you recognize yourself as neuro-not-typical, but still believe that the psychologists is extra-ordinary neuro-typical. Simply not true.

You are describing your behaviour as a some need to act out. I believe it is true. But you know nothing about different ways of acting out. Proffessional psychologists usually suffer psychotic disorders themselves. Their way to act out is to play that they are perfectly sane, and it is you who is insane.

No. If you believe in myths like "neuro-typical" you are cutting yourself off from the truth, and from the chance to rewire your brain in a way with no need to act out.

The most important subject here is: do you really want to rewire yourself, or you are just happy with fairy tales, which help you NOT to rewire yourself. This is what I call faith.

Anonymous said...

I do not receive any kind of help with my brain being like this due to inactivity Zhawq. A modern medical approach that would treat this is plain backwards in my view. Nothing is broken, nothing needs fixing. When I am inactive mentally and physically, my brain goes to mush a bit, into sedentary mode..when the going is lively my fast twitch brain is great and at its best, rev me the faster I go. It should be unethical to prescribe medication for this type of thing imo, this is the natural and healthy function, learning to operate what you have to your advantage is how things should progress and mature, not popping a pill.
Jay

Anonymous said...

"if we don't reach an understanding at a level that far surpasses what we have seen yet, our offspring - and we, in our old days - will see a very, VERY grim future become reality"

What's your opinion of the Keshe foundation? Hopefully they'll open up an area of neurological research.
Blessings and take care.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 15. -15 - 3:47 PM - part 1:

"In reality we call neuro-typical something that the majority is trying to pretend. But pretending is not being. In reality the majority consists of different minorities. And only one of these minorities is what we call neuro-typical."

Let's not split hairs. What you say here is pretty much what I've been saying all along. Strictly speaking you're right, of course, but generally speaking it fits just as much or just as little as saying the majority is the neurotypical.

You cannot speak about typicalities without speaking in generalities.

Fact is that mankind consists of a large mass of people belonging each to a variety of subgroups and grey areas. As you stated in your first post - if that was yours - psychopathy and other labels, 'neurotypical' included', are there to put us into categories that makes us understandable in a convenient manner to... the neurotypical aspect of humankind, to put it that way.

"I hope you understand, what I mean."

I think I do. But to use terms such as neurotypical for me is not a question of belief, it's a communicative tool.

I am always careful to talk about things in finals such as fact and reality because when all is said and done, reality is something we create on a constant basis as we perceive and communicate.

"You are describing your behaviour as a some need to act out. I believe it is true"

Yes, at least it's close. I feels as a need to act. To me stagnation is death, but there's no doubt that I have always been more action minded and action dependent than most people. But I don't see it as a problem for as far as I my need to act is as easily fulfilled by acts of positivity rather than malignance, there is so much to do in the world that in my opinion we cannot afford to stop people who have something to contribute with from giving their best.

But that's another tendency about mankind in our time, we behave and act as if there's no tomorrow and if what we decide today doesn't matter in the long run - someone will surely come and make good what we messed up, is the mindset behind many of our present day decisions.

We tend to think all people are more or less the same, so what does it matter if we unjustly punish the wrong person or hinder thriving for an individual or whole communities, there are lots more where they came from - or so we think. But each person is still an individual and some individuals are great and unique individuals with the capacity to do great things and the minds of leaders. For as long as this is not understood and addressed accordingly we'll continue to have problems with acts of brutality and psychopaths who ruin companies and national economies.

Zhawq said...

"Proffessional psychologists usually suffer psychotic disorders themselves."

It's very common, yes.

"Their way to act out is to play that they are perfectly sane, and it is you who is insane."

They do this on behalf of society as a whole. It makes people feel safe.

"No. If you believe in myths like "neuro-typical" you are cutting yourself off from the truth, and from the chance to rewire your brain in a way with no need to act out."

I believe in the term neurotypical as a tool as I believe in the term psychopath as a tool.

As for my need to act, that is a human quality and I have no wish to get it rewired away. I have no wish to be contend with sitting in a chair and grow fat with a bad health and have no urge to act but to sit idle and passive when I see things that needs to be done, sometimes things I can do better than others who are present. No, that will never be me. I will die before that happens, and that is why I am desperate because things has begun to do the wrong way much too fast lately.

10 years in their prisons and four years of injustice and systematic overruling of every human right that I have, have finally begun to put their mark on my health and ability to function.

Anon May 15. -15 - 3:47 PM - part 2:

"The most important subject here is: do you really want to rewire yourself, or you are just happy with fairy tales, which help you NOT to rewire yourself. This is what I call faith."

I think I have just answered that question completely. You may call it a fairy tale, I chose to call it my life.

Zhawq said...

Jay:

"I do not receive any kind of help with my brain being like this due to inactivity Zhawq. A modern medical approach that would treat this is plain backwards in my view. Nothing is broken, nothing needs fixing. When I am inactive mentally and physically, my brain goes to mush a bit, into sedentary mode.."

I don't think you need to be medicated into lesser or more activity. It would be disaastrous for you in my opinion.

"when the going is lively my fast twitch brain is great and at its best, rev me the faster I go."

Yeah, I can relate to that.

"It should be unethical to prescribe medication for this type of thing imo, this is the natural and healthy function, learning to operate what you have to your advantage is how things should progress and mature, not popping a pill."

Exactly. I have nothing to add to make this more clear, it is as you say.

"Jay"

Thank you for your contribution, I appreciate words of sanity as I see it. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon May 15, 2015 at 9:15 PM:

"Quote: "if we don't reach an understanding at a level that far surpasses what we have seen yet, our offspring - and we, in our old days - will see a very, VERY grim future become reality"

"What's your opinion of the Keshe foundation? Hopefully they'll open up an area of neurological research.
Blessings and take care."


This is the first time I've heard about them and I looked up Keshe Foundation in order to see what they do.

I think it's a worthy study and it would be a shame to not do research on outer space and the possibility of life in the universe. I don't know if the Keshe Foundation would have need for an actual neurology department within their organization at this point, but I'm sure they already have people working among their ranks who have some schooling in the area.

If there is ever found anything that points to the existence - present or past - of life in the universe, I'm also sure the Keshe Foundation will be quick to either create a department for neurological research in space, or they will work with other organizations who already have some background for this.

Thanks for bringing this to nt attention. '^L^,

Anonymous said...

I would say that the majority is insane, only some minority is sane.

When you speak about your decision to give up rewiring your own brain, because of bad experience with people, you must know, that this kind of experience is what everybody has to deal with during his life. And the goal of our life is to remain stronger.

When you call all those psychologists neuro-typical, you are fooled or you are fooling yourself.

Bad experience comes from neuro-not-typical, not neuro-typical people.

Why have you dedicated so much time to study psychopathy?

Was it because you wanted to rewire yourself, or was it because you wanted some silent cooperation with your diagnosis?

Is all your bad experience only an excuse to give up?

RB said...

A plausible recipe for "psychopathy":

1. A set of inconsistent parental figure. Being biological parents or some other institution playing that role.

2. A smart child, as in logically based smart. I would say pretty possible a high IQ type of smartness.
(It doesn't fucking make sense !!)

3. Parents that base their child-rearing on behavourism. In strongly degree on Pavlov's classical conditioning. Yet, a harsh and inconsistent type of that style. To make it worse, the "parent figures", can pay little attention to rewards and a lot to punishment ( a psychopathic parent would probably prefer what costs him less money. Then their sadistic preferences will also play a major part)


4. A society in which nobody gives a fuck about your next doors problem, apart from gossiping about them :). A robot-society. A high production one.


What you get out of this blend, I think may very well be a grown up smart enough to know the rules of the world and the society, yet fail to respect them since they are inconsistent, as the upbringing.

That may give a "psychopathic mind". Whether being diagnosed or not, depends on what type of behaviour said kid will choose. If the kid as a grown up in general breaks no laws, but doesn't really care either, the grown may well be a schizoid instead of a psychopath. Their minds I sort of suspect are not that far apart. Basically their behavior and need for some quick fixes and action.

A schizoid is maybe a "tamed psychopath" ? Or maybe it is just me.. hehe

Zhawq said...

I plan to be back with more replies within a couple of hours. I have something I've promised someone to do for them now, but afterward this is where I'm headed. '^L^,

PS. Some of the older comments, one of which is a comment left by John Nutt, are included in my plans.

I could reply to more emails instead, but I think this is important to get done.

I appreciate everybody's understanding - and patience. '^L^,

Anonymous said...

"Describing a past life of rapes (and murder) as "...why would I do it again?" seems more about you becoming bored with those past thrills than genuinely understanding the magnitude of your actions. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's how it reads to me.

------
The above is the last quote from my original post which is where I left off and would like to continue with a follow up comment.
Although this is not what you wrote, the comment "...why would I do it again" reads to me as if you're saying "I have already raped in the past...why would I do it again" in a sort of non chalant "been there, done that" way.

This is what I mean when I say that I'm missing a genuine understanding of the magnitude of your past actions - that understanding would include remorse and empathy.

You have decided for yourself that there is a necessity in following rules. Of course, society follows rules for a variety of reasons. But what is YOUR main motivation? Is it the realization that you can be more productive and successful at your goals within the frame of those rules? What I'm hinting at: is the driving force behind it purely selfish?

Taking it a step further (because this is what I'm actually interested in): where and how does empathy come into play?

I have no medical background whatsoever and my "knowledge" of psychopathy derives from internet reading, but from my understanding current research suggests that psychopaths can turn on empathy when explicitly asked to do it. While it isn't a natural reaction they can feign it to the point where their brain scans are no different from those of neuro-typicals.

This raises problems when one is trying to define empathy. If brain scans show the same pattern - what is the one thing that separates the psychopath from the non psychopath (in terms of empathy)? Is it automatic reaction versus conscious decision to react a certain way? And if a conscious decision is absolutely necessary for a psychopath to show empathy at all what other factors come into play? Is it manipulation? Is it the prospect of personal gain?

The fact that you are contemplating your life at this stage doesn't surprise me. If you factor in your health problems and your age (I'm assuming you are somewhere between 40 and 50) it sounds like coming face to face with mortality. Not that you are terminally ill, but most people reach a stage when they realize that life will come to an end at some point and the need for something more meaningful becomes more important.

The question in your case (given your disorder) is whether the need for a companion is rooted in boredom with your past activities (and maybe also an inability to carry on the same life style due to your health issues) or something else/more. If I take a psychopath's ability to turn on empathy like a switch into account, another question would be: is this the next, more mellow, thrill for you - embarking on a "genuine" relationship where empathy will be absolutely essential?

This comment is a little confusing since I'm having trouble articulating what I'm most interested in. It is for the most part the empathy switch on/off and the genuine motivation behind switching on what is normally suppressed in psychopaths.

rb said...

Good post and question from anon above

A song popped into me. Recommendable lyrics for Zhawk ! ??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2e7dpVDX54

What is Morrisey ? Personally I just think he is deeper and therefore feels different to most people. So love towards "most people" doesn't come natural to him

rb said...

Morrisey.
Poster boy for introspection

"Mankind" label him a psychopath (well... many on internet does, non-violent type)

Morrisey himself, I presume, label the "mankind" a psychopathic creature, in contrast to animals

IMO opinion the Smiths dig a bit into their own "psychopathic" sides, and makes song about those feelings and frustration, instead of robbing a bank or some other "impulsive" thing

So what it is like Zhawk ?

It is so easy to love, it is so easy to hate. But it takes guts to be gentle and kind ?

Or maybe love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I ?

lol

(Double posting ? not sure)

Well.. Anyway... In some way...
is the soil falling over your head ? Yeah that does suck.. a while.. but then

Anonymous said...

"I'm as serious as can be. I knew when I wrote this that some people would read it the way that you have, but I have vowed to be honest, and that is what I am. That is the best I can do.

I hope with time as research shows the more faceted reality of psychopathy, that you will come to see us differently."

OK then, the stakes are low and I will give you the benefit of the doubt, Zhawq. You are filled with surprises.

I am glad all your years of introspection have had an effect, although now you seem to have to deal with feelings you may not have had before, like longing and loneliness, which are tough ones.

What is that like for you? Would you rather not feel them, or do you think they might bring something more meaningful into your life? Or do they, in and of themselves, feel meaningful?

Best of luck to you in your new endeavors. Cheers!

rb said...

How to diagnose so called primer psychopathy: :) (Darn I am a genius.lol)

There are some song out there in the world. Some songs which "everybody" likes, despite of their normal music preferences. Of course we all can grow tired of some songs, but once, we liked the same song. They are sort of "universal" and "emotional".

If a person doesn't "get it", the song, he/she may very well be "emotionless".

A can think of a few suggestion. Of course, being on this side, I shall start with an obvious one:

Pet shop boys: It's a sin
Alphaville: Forever young
U2: With or without you
Beatles: Let it be
Dire Straits: Brothers in arms
Pink Floyd... a few .. Shine on... Wish you were here...

probably thousands of others, but you probably get my idea of diagnosing.

Mark Knopler, David Gilmoure. Are better techinically speaking, guitar players, but those two everybody know of, that are examples of soul-players more than virtuosi.

(My tool is far fucking smarter and better than Dr. Hare wannebe-list)

John Nutt said...

@RB
"What you get out of this blend, I think may very well be a grown up smart enough to know the rules of the world and the society, yet fail to respect them since they are inconsistent, as the upbringing.

That may give a "psychopathic mind". Whether being diagnosed or not, depends on what type of behaviour said kid will choose. If the kid as a grown up in general breaks no laws, but doesn't really care either, the grown may well be a schizoid instead of a psychopath. Their minds I sort of suspect are not that far apart. Basically their behavior and need for some quick fixes and action" Sam vaknin (Google him if you haven't heard of him) is a psychopath who also has a schizoid personality. Vaknin says unlike many other psychopaths, who as children would use physical violence to torture and control people, vaknin would psychologically abuse people - in order to inflict pain on them and for him to gain control over them. Interestingly Vaknin was abused by his parents (psychologically and physically) and was a "wonder kid" (he has an IQ of 185 - genius level) at the age of 9 (I think) he was at one of Israel's top university's and was "adopted" by a high flying businessmen and he was a multimillionaire by the time he was 21. So Vaknin perfectly fits your theory, he had inconsistent peers in his childhood, had sadistic and self centred (narcissistic) parents, and a very high IQ, he also comes from a "robot" society.


"PS. Some of the older comments, one of which is a comment left by John Nutt, are included in my plans." Hi Zhawq, you can reply here to the comment here if you wish.

Anonymous said...

Hey Zhawq, I sent you an email,but cant access the account. The email was on neuromodulation, and a theory. Would like to know your opinion.I appreciate the blog, you are not helping psychology in particular, but humanity.I don't believe in psychology(its infected):

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/21/health/the-dsm-5-as-a-guide-not-a-bible.html?_r=0

There is much more to saying someone is autistic, psychopathic,etc...

In the coming years with neuroscience, we would hopefully have answers :)

You are helping us understand human nature.
Hope all's well.

Tom Arrow said...

"'For that Love of seeing you suffer and bring unto you the most exquisite, transcending of destruction and pain!'"

Zhawq, is that a one-sided thought? I started training Muay Thai a few months back and ever since sparring, I have loved it and I do believe I share this notion of yours to a certain degree, but I would say that it is a mutual relationship. Together intimately exploring the world of pain and death. Transcendence and peace through violence. The knowledge of potential death that could hit either of both transcends the mere sports aspect and fun and goes much deeper, once accepted, and the fear of death is not the focus of your thoughts anymore. It feels, to me, like being true to my nature, being one with some vengeful and angry god whom I serve. Pure and innocent love and completeness. Ecstasy through nausea-inducing pain, deliverance. It almost moved me to tears today.

My rational explanation for that is my biology, but it is not necessary to explain. It is beautiful.

Zhawq said...

Anon, May 17.-15 - 6:46 PM - part 1:

I was referring to my comment, not my article.

"the comment "...why would I do it again" reads to me as if you're saying "I have already raped in the past...why would I do it again" in a sort of non chalant "been there, done that" way."

Yes, I can see how it sounds that way, and I guess that was more or less what I meant. I cannot emotionally connect to the enormousness of these deeds in the way that normal people do and it would've been pretense if I had put it as if I could.

"This is what I mean when I say that I'm missing a genuine understanding of the magnitude of your past actions - that understanding would include remorse and empathy."

Exactly. Those two are the emotions that psychopaths most often lack, and particularly remorse must be absent in a person for him to get the diagnosis.

Empathy is a little more gray area because in reality many, many psychopaths do have some sense of empathy but also the ability to shut it off at will. Most psychopaths who can feel empathy don't feel it in a lasting way like normal people do.

"You have decided for yourself that there is a necessity in following rules. Of course, society follows rules for a variety of reasons. But what is YOUR main motivation? Is it the realization that you can be more productive and successful at your goals within the frame of those rules? What I'm hinting at: is the driving force behind it purely selfish?"

I believe all motivation in all of us is at it's core selfish. Even love in it's origin is born out of a need to reproduce.

But to answer your question in a more mundane way: I have decided to follow society's rules because now I actually understand that it really does mean something to them on a level that I didn't know existed before. I thought it was all pretence and meant to hold each other down so a little number of people could do what they liked behind the back of the rest, or in front of them because they had the power to do so.

Funny as it may sound, it is my study of psychopathy that brought this knowledge with i t. It's not so strange, though, because you can't study one without learning about the other.

"Taking it a step further (because this is what I'm actually interested in): where and how does empathy come into play?"

For me it is not difficult to feel empathy with people when I'm in direct contact with them. It's when they're no longer in my life that I stop caring. I also have to admit that the stronger care for someone is not extended to anybody but to somebody that I build a special friendship with first and who cares equally much for me.

This too is not uncommon for psychopaths. There are even serial killers who have a family that they care most of all about, and when they get caught they don't have remorse for the victims of their crimes, but for their family.

Zhawq said...

Anon, May 17.-15, 6:46 PM - part 2:

"I have no medical background whatsoever and my "knowledge" of psychopathy derives from internet reading, but from my understanding current research suggests that psychopaths can turn on empathy when explicitly asked to do it. While it isn't a natural reaction they can feign it to the point where their brain scans are no different from those of neuro-typicals."

You mean we can make our brain scans look as if we feel empathy? That isn't possible. It is only the behavior that can be feigned, but I've met countless normal people who are quite apt at doing the same thing. I may be able to see through it, but most people are not. - No, you cannot fake a brain scan. Maybe those who wrote that mixed brain scans up with polygraph tests which can somewhat easily be faked.

"what is the one thing that separates the psychopath from the non psychopath (in terms of empathy)? Is it automatic reaction versus conscious decision to react a certain way?"

I think this is how it is at least for myself and suspect it's the same for other psychopaths who can feel empathy.

"And if a conscious decision is absolutely necessary for a psychopath to show empathy at all what other factors come into play? Is it manipulation? Is it the prospect of personal gain?"

I would say - at least for me - it is the ability to see something redeeming in everybody. If you can find something you like in any person, then you can like any person. This takes understanding of the human mind and good psychological insight or sense. It is all about understanding.

"The fact that you are contemplating your life at this stage doesn't surprise me."

Actually I've always contemplated my life. I wish I had had the chance to learn what I have learned now earlier in life, but I didn't. I didn't have access to the information.

"If you factor in your health problems and your age (I'm assuming you are somewhere between 40 and 50) it sounds like coming face to face with mortality."

I understand what you mean, but I have felt face to face with mortality all my life, so to speak. I have never understood what life stages are really about because to me it was always up to me if I would feel young or old. But I know what you mean and understand why you think what you're saying. I would too in your place.

"Not that you are terminally ill, but most people reach a stage when they realize that life will come to an end at some point and the need for something more meaningful becomes more important."

This is one of the things I don't quite understand about people, and it has bothered me from early on in life: Why do they wait searching for something meaningful until it's almost too late? I've never understood that, and I was searching since as early in life that I can remember. I also remember it was something people distinctly didn't like about me, so I had to do it covertly.

"The question in your case (given your disorder) is whether the need for a companion is rooted in boredom with your past activities (and maybe also an inability to carry on the same life style due to your health issues) or something else/more."

Actually I have always wanted to have a special other in my life, I've just never met the right person, and in hindsight I can see my lifestyle was to blame for that.

Zhawq said...

Anon, May 17.-15, 6:46 PM - part 3:

"If I take a psychopath's ability to turn on empathy like a switch into account, another question would be: is this the next, more mellow, thrill for you - embarking on a "genuine" relationship where empathy will be absolutely essential?"

Let me answer that with another question: Isn't a genuine relationship the absolutely essential thrill for most people?

"This comment is a little confusing since I'm having trouble articulating what I'm most interested in. It is for the most part the empathy switch on/off and the genuine motivation behind switching on what is normally suppressed in psychopaths."

I know, it isn't confusing at all, I think you phrase your words well, and I hope I have answered satisfactory. If not, don't hesitate to ask me again.

Zhawq said...

rb,

interesting song choice for sure. He somewhat reminds me of Take That, but he's much more raw and vibrant. Funny, singing like that, like your mother in law's dream, yet there's no doubt about the explosive roughness that sits just below the surface. Very cleverly made video indeed. Most of all, he knows exactly what he can and can't do with his voice and his looks, no wonder if he's doing well in the industry.

Is he deep? If he wrote this song it certainly seems he is.

Thanks for the link. I've added it to my Reader Suggestions on Youtube. ;)

'^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon May 19, 2015 at 3:24 AM:

"OK then, the stakes are low and I will give you the benefit of the doubt, Zhawq."

Thank you, that is as much as I could ask for. :)

"You are filled with surprises.

I am glad all your years of introspection have had an effect, although now you seem to have to deal with feelings you may not have had before, like longing and loneliness, which are tough ones."


I don't think I'll ever really know loneliness, but yes, I've seen it in other people and it really looks tough. I wonder how it feels, but then again, right now I have plenty of tough unpleasant feelings myself - or rather, the feelings I do have (and I'm aware they're not as many or as faceted as some normal people's feelings, but some of them are clearly stronger).

It'll be interesting to see how it goes for me. I've set myself a little less than two year deadline from now. If I'm still in this situation by then I'll probably be best off letting go of this world altogether.

I say this not because I'm sad, but because there won't be any point in living on like I currently do. I can hardly keep this website running, and if I can't even do that, there isn't much left (but that one thing).

"What is that like for you? Would you rather not feel them,"

Let me ask you: Why do you think I'm slowly making a drug addict of myself? :)

"or do you think they might bring something more meaningful into your life? Or do they, in and of themselves, feel meaningful?"

You ask if my desperation makes my life meaningful? My dear young man, if there's one thing that this situation does it is making my life meaningless.

"Best of luck to you in your new endeavors. Cheers!"

Thank you, I appreciate you wishing me well. I truly hope I'll make it, and I have some knowledge that I badly want to share with others.

Zhawq said...

rb,

thanks for your song suggestions. I know most of them, if not all. Funny you mention Pet Shop Boys, I always liked them, and this number is one of my all time favorites.

I'll listen to these songs and rekindle in my mind with old times. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

John Nutt, May 23, 2015 at 6:35 AM:

"If the kid as a grown up in general breaks no laws, but doesn't really care either, the grown may well be a schizoid instead of a psychopath. Their minds I sort of suspect are not that far apart."

Funny you should mention schizoids and psychopaths in the same sentence. I don't know if we're that alike, but I happen to know someone who has the schizoid diagnosis, and I've noticed that he has a very limited span of emotions, and those that he does have seem very immature.

He was very infatuated with me for a while, but after several years I was the only one who did anything to keep the friendship going, so eventually I stopped contacting him and haven't heard back from him either. I'm sure in his mind I've offended him somehow. He always tried to play mind games with me the silly thing, even though he knew as well as I did that I would always win. I grew tired of it and tried to infuse some "real" friendship into the connection, but then my own problems started to set in, and the rest is history.

"Basically their behavior and need for some quick fixes and action"

That is definitely also true for him. He would go almost catatonic if I didn't feed him something new and interesting. He himself had no initiative, but that part may be just as much because of me as because of him. After all, it's happened with many people over the years.

"Sam vaknin (Google him if you haven't heard of him) is a psychopath who also has a schizoid personality. Vaknin says unlike many other psychopaths, who as children would use physical violence to torture and control people, vaknin would psychologically abuse people - in order to inflict pain on them and for him to gain control over them."

Yep, that's one more thing he and I have in common. But make no mistake, I am not Vaknin (as some have theorized - which is beyond me. Vaknin and I have completely different writing styles and his speech has not been stunted by years in solitary confinement. Things like that ought to show we're not the same person).

"Interestingly Vaknin was abused by his parents (psychologically and physically) and was a "wonder kid" (he has an IQ of 185 - genius level) at the age of 9 (I think) he was at one of Israel's top university's and was "adopted" by a high flying businessmen and he was a multimillionaire by the time he was 21. So Vaknin perfectly fits your theory, he had inconsistent peers in his childhood, had sadistic and self centred (narcissistic) parents, and a very high IQ, he also comes from a "robot" society."

Childhood abuse, mentally and physically, a high IQ, and other commonalities.

What do you mean by "robot society"?

"Hi Zhawq, you can reply here to the comment here if you wish."

I'd already decided that would be a good idea. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon, May 23, 2015 at 1:45 PM:

"Hey Zhawq, I sent you an email,but cant access the account. The email was on neuromodulation, and a theory. Would like to know your opinion."

Yes, I remember your mail. I have a copy, so if you send me a mail from the account you're now using I'll forward it to you.

"I appreciate the blog, you are not helping psychology in particular, but humanity.I don't believe in psychology(its infected):

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/21/health/the-dsm-5-as-a-guide-not-a-bible.html?_r=0"


How well said. But psychology, infected as it is, is part of humanity and humanity puts a lot of faith in psychology, so I have to help them. And in spite of all, there are a few good people working within that field who do some good stuff on their own (Kevin Dutton, to mention but one - and Bob Hare has begun to come after it too), these are the ones I want to provide more material to.

I'll check out the URL.

"There is much more to saying someone is autistic, psychopathic, etc...

In the coming years with neuroscience, we would hopefully have answers :)"


We've already got some very important answers, answers that are helpful especially to the whole human race rather than just the cure of a condition considered ill or bad by a field of semi-science (psychology is based on a semi-scientific principle).

"You are helping us understand human nature."

That is the very best I can hope for.

"Hope all's well."

Thank you, my friend. I can't tell you all is well, things have never been worse. I have been more ill and much, much closer to death in my life, but I have always had the possibility of doing something about it myself. That possibility seems to finally having been taken away from me, and if that is the case, then there's nothing left for me in this world.

But I'll not worry too much at this point....suffer yes - and that's too bad because I could use my energy on things that are so much more beneficial to the world I am part of - but worry no, when I know for certain that my time is up I'll worry about how to make it all end, but not before.

Thank you for caring, I really do appreciate it. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Tom Arrow - part 1:

""'For that Love of seeing you suffer and bring unto you the most exquisite, transcending of destruction and pain!'"

Zhawq, is that a one-sided thought? I started training Muay Thai a few months back and ever since sparring, I have loved it and I do believe I share this notion of yours to a certain degree, but I would say that it is a mutual relationship."


It is that, two sided, and it is one sided, and it is so much more. It is everything. Transcendence cannot be put in a simple formula with words, only understanding on a deeper level can get you there, and then the sides - be there one, two or more, don't matter.

"Together intimately exploring the world of pain and death."

Yes, very much this.

"Transcendence and peace through violence."

Indeed, but know that the opposite is equally much the case. We're living in a world that for the Western societies is very much a case of violence, destruction and agony through peace.

"The knowledge of potential death that could hit either of both transcends the mere sports aspect and fun and goes much deeper, once accepted, and the fear of death is not the focus of your thoughts anymore."

Very true, and until you get through this step you aren't a student of Budo (but in the West we're careful not to tell the customers that; I deliberately chose not to call them students, for why do we not tell them the truth if not because we need them to come back so we can earn our money. It's a sad little twisted aspect of Martial Arts in Western culture. Hence words like 'sport' and 'fun' which in reality has nothing to do with Martial Arts. It's a lifestyle, not a spare time sport or way to have fun with your friends. But most trainees in our time don't know this, it is only the few who sense it and who become real students who stick with it for life and will do whatever it takes to continue the learning which is never ending. Even the greatest sensei is also a student (have you ever noticed the humility in the real sensei? It's the humility that we expect to see in an Eastern student, and too often do Westerners scoff at such humility - they did it with me as well...until I traveled to Japan, that is).

"(the fear of death is not the focus of your thoughts anymore), only not to us.

It feels, to me, like being true to my nature, being one with some vengeful and angry god whom I serve."


If this is so, you have found not only your calling but your personal path. You must do His bidding or abandon everything that is you to get a "normal" life. And even if you succeed in abandoning your vengeful god, you will feel an emptiness that is very common but which for you will bring with it so much more unhappiness because you have known the truth, you have met your purpose in the form of a lifestyle governed by the God that you have mentioned here.

Zhawq said...

Tom Arrow - part 2:

"Pure and innocent love and completeness. Ecstasy through nausea-inducing pain, deliverance. It almost moved me to tears today."

It has moved me to tears many times in the past. These days I can't cry, I am not 'in he who is me' and have been removed from everything I hold dear. And the drugs probably do their part too. It is so strange, it is hell like I don't believe it exists after death (except perhaps for a very few exceptions who have transcended Christianity - and of course Judaism, the without comparison strongest monotheist patriarch religion there is).

"My rational explanation for that is my biology, but it is not necessary to explain. It is beautiful.

Of course your biology plays a big part in it, but so does your genetics, your neurology, your place of birth and upbringing, and not least the opportunities that you have been given in life. Everything has a part in why you are graced with this beauty.

Don't ever make the mistake that probably all of your co-students will be doing and grow bored or bow down to family and society expectations that will tear you away from your purpose in life.

I'm not saying your whole purpose in life is to train martial arts. Perhaps they are, but it's just as likely that martial arts and living that lifestyle will show you your purpose in life without cutting itself out of the picture.

Follow your heart and be true to what you believe, to what that heart of yours knows to be true! There will be lots of paradoxes, embrace them! You, if anyone, will be able to solve any riddle that comes your way, believe me!

'^L^,

Zhawq said...

EVERYBODY, READ!

There are many comments I haven't replied to, both over the span of time since I began running this blog experiment, and I intend to fill out at least some of the holes.

Initially I meant to start with the latest article (in this case the one you see on the right) and then work myself through the comments in backward fashion.

But I think I'll do it a little differently. On this page you can see seven articles named chronologically:

..........

7. Some Facts & Untruths About The
Quest For Power

6. The Good Psychopath - 2

5. Psychopath Language & The Meaning
Of Words.

4. Psychopaths & The Supernatural.

3. A Psychopath Begins To Tell His
Story.

2. A Psychopath In Dire Need To
Connect.

1. I'm A Middle Aged & Mellowing
Psychopath.

..........

I've started with the latest article's comments, but instead of going on to the next in line I will continue with the one at the bottom: 'Some Facts & Untruths About The Quest For Power' and reply to the comments there. After that one I will reply to the comments by 'The Good Psychopath - 2' and continue on in the same fashion until I've replied to all articles on this page whereafter I intend to move on to the ones at the previous page. But I will take that up again when I get there.

There's one exception: I have long meant to finish an exchange I had with John Nutt. It was long winded and he and I both repeated ourselves many times. Hopefully the next will be my final reply, and I intend to place it here - as he also conveniently asked me to do...Thank you for that, John. :)

I hope this makes things clear for everyone, and if it doesn't, you know you can always ask me or say what you're thinking.

I'm not the type to not talk to people if they disagree with me or say something I dislike, as I think I have shown on more than one occasion (ref. latest the case where RB made me wonder if what I am trying to say even gets through to people. I'm still on good foot with RB just the same, and what matters to me is respect. If you oppose me, by all means, oppose me, but do it respectfully or I'll show you a less friendly side of myself. '^L^,

..........

John Nutt,

do you remember the name of the article by which you left your last comment before the one you posted here?

You would do me a nice favor if you would post it here because I can't find it right now, and it will take me too much time to go through every list of comments (though I mean to do exactly that, of course, when I reply to them).

..........

Don't forget to take a look at the 'Zhawq News' window to the right.

I will, as always, announce on Twitter and FB when I publish an article - usually along with a quote or a few words of my own.

'^L^,

Zhawq.

Ettina said...

" A smart child, as in logically based smart. I would say pretty possible a high IQ type of smartness.
(It doesn't fucking make sense !!)"

I don't think high IQ has anything to do with psychopathy. That seems to be a stereotype made up by mainstream media because smart psychopaths are scarier.

There are plenty of psychopaths with average and below-average IQs, but if they commit crimes they're easy to catch. (And they're probably more likely to commit crimes because they're not able to achieve what they want legitimately.)

Zhawq said...

Ettina,

I agree completely with everything you say here. I've seen it myself, so I know it is true that psychopaths don't have a higher IQ in general than normal people do, we just tend to notice those who do have a high IQ more easily and more often than those who don't.

Those who don't have a high IQ often end up in and out of prison for petty crimes and as drug addicts.

As for achieving what they want to legitimately, they often don't have any such wants or wishes. They don't care, getting drunk or high is what it's about for them.

Funny as it may sound there are some in this group who do have high IQs, but who didn't get the necessary support and upbringing to pull it through.

John Nutt said...

"Sam vaknin (Google him if you haven't heard of him) is a psychopath who also has a schizoid personality. Vaknin says unlike many other psychopaths, who as children would use physical violence to torture and control people, vaknin would psychologically abuse people - in order to inflict pain on them and for him to gain control over them."

"Yep, that's one more thing he and I have in common. But make no mistake, I am not Vaknin (as some have theorized - which is beyond me. Vaknin and I have completely different writing styles and his speech has not been stunted by years in solitary confinement. Things like that ought to show we're not the same person)." I don't believe you are Vaknin you have completely different writing - just for starters.

"What do you mean by "robot society"?" I mean an industrialised society (which is what most societies are these days). our technology has allowed us to live more independently of other human beings, these days you have Facebook "virtual friends" online dating, you have your own space away from other people. This means their is less emotion and compassion in our modern societies, and more focus on productivity and competitiveness. Israel is a perfect example of this, a nation born out of war and competition and where 40 percent of the work force is employed by the military. Such societies are the percent breeding ground for psychopathy (and personality and mental disorders generally).

John Nutt said...

"You would do me a nice favor if you would post it here because I can't find it right now, and it will take me too much time to go through every list of comments (though I mean to do exactly that, of course, when I reply to them)." This was my final comment from "the good psychopath".


"I recently read a new article by Hare wherein he says he's aware that not all psychopaths are criminal or violent." I recently had a discussion about about empathy in psychopaths, this person said the psychopath he met was very empathic and literally gave of "Warmth" his view was that apparently some new studies have shown psychopath can turn their empathy (in the emotional sense) on and off. I have never heard either any expert in psychopathy (Hare, Fallon or Dutton) say any such thing nor I have ever heard any famous psychopath say it. I argued the psychopath was simulating emotion and using the psychopaths purely cold empathy to try to get something from this person. So that would be a case of the psychopath making you believe they are something they are not.

"As for the chameleon like ability to change identity, this does not have to be predatory. There's no doubt that the tendency is there, but I believe it has to do with cultural issues except for in a minority of cases of people who score 40 on the PCL-R."'How is changing identity cultural? From what I have read in the literature - and from psychopaths themselves - they change their identity when they have a new target. they essentially "study" the person and then become that persons "perfect match" (or business partner or whatever it might be.) I have read a case of a psychopath con man who every time he would get out of jail, he would adopt a new alias/persona meet a women, sell her some scam and then empty her bank account (and just move and adopt a new persona and keep doing the same thing.)

"This seems to differ a lot between individuals." I don't know if their are any studies on this but I am guessing loyalty is not common for psychopaths, although we know their are psychopaths who work in organisations where loyalty is essential - like business or even criminal organisations like the Mafia.

"Then again, I do understand why many psychopaths don't give a damn about loyalty, but for me it's something I've chosen to put high on my list." Yes as loyalty is the main thing needed if you (or any psychopath) wants to have a pro-social life.

"I grew up amongst people who have the ability to love, but who did everything under condition and who 'didn't like me' if I didn't do and felt things the way they wanted me to." In fairness they probably didn't know anything about psychopathy and did not understand that your brain processes emotions very differently to theirs. This is the reason that's sites like yours are important to people who encounter psychopaths - as they provide a first person perspective and not just a scientific "objective" study.

Anonymous said...


Wow, I never thought I would comment on a blog.. Your site is very insightful. But this one about mellowing out with age, I can relate to and feel inclined to post my first blog comment. I am a female, married with adult children. Married 18+ years. It is possible for people like us to have relationships, but it's not easy. Mine is a dysfunctional marriage by anyone's definition. My husband does know me, but he knows me better than most. He is emotional, I am not. Most people, if they really knew the inner workings of "us" would think we merely co-exist, but it works for us. It is the best I can do and he knows it. He suspects my "disorder", but has never voiced it. I get my kicks watching movies about killers. I have to frame my face accordingly to hide the excitement I feel. My husband think I just like crime shows.

I have spent my entire life hiding who I am. I find it amazing and a little unnerving that you can write these things about yourself and it makes me wonder if you are truly sincere in your posts. I'm freaking that I am even replying to this post.

I thrive on being anonymous to the people who think they know me. I have a projected persona that I have perfected. And I know you know what I mean. Others may not, but you do. You write about love like it's available to you. It is NOT available to you, not in the true sense of the word, as you well KNOW.

Empathy. The only human being I feel this for is my husband. He puts up with me and says he knows I love him, but I am an emotional drain on every fiber of his being. I keep myself in check at all times and I live very isolated. I have no friends, no person to call on the phone and no one calls me. EVER. This is me mellowing with age. I gave up. I won't hurt anyone anymore.

I have no joy, not even in the things that most people find joyful. I hide and I will always hide who I am. If you ever end up in a relationship like I have, you need to practice your skills of hiding who you are. Too much honesty can end badly for people like us, in more ways than one. You have to make a determined effort to be different since you are aware. If you want something different, you have to be something different.

Good luck in your endeavors.

Anonymous said...

You know some people with ADHD take certain medications to help them focus. Even though you only have ADHD-like traits, it might have some affect. You might need to try different types though because some might not be effective enough whereas others will essentially zombify you.

Anonymous said...

Much as I have compassion (which I know you will find distasteful) for your circumstances and wish you well, I don't believe for a single minute what you say is your dream i.e. living in an equal relationship with a woman or soul-mate. Possibly because of your physical disability this could prove useful to you, but no more than that. I would be more inclined to believe you if you told us that your dream is for her to yield to your every bidding as your slave, and you her distainful master.