Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A Psychopath In Dire Need To Connect.


I'm a Psychopath, yes, but I am so much more. Now I am on My Way, or on A Way, and through - or rather in, most certainly - a Tunnel (example). It's a Tunnel Dark and Foreboding, and filled with Dread that I may never get away from where I currently reside and live in Enslavement and Poverty. Dread [1*] that I may never meet that One Woman Who Will Care For Me as I WIll Most Definitely Care For Her, and For Who's Side I Will Stand Beside For Life (and a Good Psychopaths' Loyalty Knows No Bound![2*]. Dreading that My Life will Amount To Nothing, that My Ambition and Visions of Making A Difference In The Psychopathy Debate will never come to be because I don't have the IT Skills nor the Money available To Pay for Others To Help me with it.

Maybe it's my time. Not to live my dreams, but to leave this world. I have so much more to say, about the reasons for all the bad things I've done - reasons that may astound some people who think psychopaths do bad things just because they feel like it and do them on a whim - a view that I myself have helped somewhat to create because I didn't know very much about psychopathy at the time, I was newly released from prison and had no experience with the Internet, so I went with what I saw other psychopaths do who came forth to apparently tell the truth about themselves and their condition.

At the same time I fell in with a crowd o9n a website which was very much into the 'psychopaths/sociopaths are badass, man!". The author herself wasn't on this bandwagon, I must add, but she encouraged it among her readers nevertheless while at the same time she was the first and - at the time - only experience I had ever had with someone who wrote things that were almost similar to my own feelings, thoughts, ways, oddities and abnormalities.

At the same time I had, by the team who supervised me and ran the psychopathy research test program - been deemed one of the fewer psychopaths who do NOT mellow with age, and indeed I felt this was true, because I felt I was ever as energetic and holding the selfsame views that I always had.

Little did I know that as my public announcement of what I was and how I saw things would lead to an actual study, research into what psychopathy really is. And I found it to be in the process of changing quite a bit these latest few years - though not so where I'm now stuck living, though, quite the contrary, but that's another story.

By now it's been little more than 3,5 years that I've run my blog, and I've done serious study for at least 2,5 years if not more. And little did I know that my research would bring me knowledge that I had never dreamed possible. I would learn to see psychopaths and their behavior, plus the background for our behavior, from the viewpoint of non-psychopaths and from the professional forerunners in the research.

Least of all did I know that it would change me profoundly, that I would indeed mellow, but freely and voluntarily. I would gain one major new ambition, and it was this simple one: To become a law abiding and positively contributing member of society, I would give back from all the wrong I have done, and I would - if at all possible and if anybody would have me - married or at least live with a close special other, someone who would be my companion throughout life.

I've always wanted this, but I've been too arrogant to believe it could be such a deep wish as it has become. But here it is, and without someone to live a normal life with, and without being able to leave this place and this country, I will die soon. Of that I am no longer in doubt. But that too is another story.

My final words in this article is a plea meant for the ears of the very people who will absolutely most likely not listen:

..........

PS. I apologize for the condition of this article. 

I have no idea why the text shows on white background (and in some places the writing itself is grey). I have tried to correct it, even written the whole article anew by hand (no copy & paste), but it remains the same. I hope my Readers are able to decipher what I have written for I don't see how I can change it.

..........

[1*] - See also Fear and Angst found on the same page.

[2*] - Loyalty is something I've been particularly known for and have proven myself capable of throughout my life - sometimes to my own undoing. But this is a topic for a future article.

14 comments:

Akira said...

I can't speak for all of your visitors, but I for one, would certainly miss you and your blog posts. Even if we have never actually met, I have found you to be personally delightful and someone who has brightened up my day with your interesting blog.

I'm sure one persons personal interest is not enough to make life worth living, but knowing people do care can be comforting.

It's sad to think you are going through such difficult times alone.
I am a strong believer that people can change no matter what things they have done in the past.
Based on how you present yourself on your blog, I do believe you would not do the things you have done in the past again, so I think you shouldn't use that past as a justification for your depressed feelings.

I just really don't like the idea of giving up like this.
Ending it now because it might not get better...yeah that's true, life isn't fair, it might not ever change. But you don't know that! Isn't it better to take the chance that things can get better than remove that change completely?

Sorry for such an essay in your comments section, I just take depression a bit too personally. I hope you can find a little bit of relief to your feelings soon.

Thanks for reading,

Anonymous said...

Does this means that you are going to stop runing the blog?

Sorry for not been able to compred if you were trying to insinuate that, im European and english its not my mother tongue.

By the way im very interested on your condition, dont stop writing the blog and be strong im sure you will find someone.

Anonymous said...

Zhawq, it breaks my heart to hear you talk this way.

Many of us don't yet have that special other person in our lives, but we do have one special person already -- ourselves.

You are worth living for.

I wish you could see that.

We have a fallacy that the world is just; that if we do the right things, good will come our way. That is unfortunately not true. That's not good or bad -- it's just the way it is.

Happiness isn't always about getting what we want. Sometimes it's about wanting what we have. That doesn't mean giving up your dreams and aspirations -- it just means accepting things the way they are right now, which brings immeasurable peace.

Wishing for someone to come along and rescue you is understandable, but when you put your well-being into someone else's hands, it can be a recipe for disaster. It's an awful lot to ask of someone. And if that someone doesn't come along, you're giving them -- a phantom person -- the ultimate power: To decide your fate. Don't let this phantom have the ultimate control of your life.

Your thinking is very negative right now. Black and white. Can you step out of your thoughts and stand next to them for a moment? You need space from them, otherwise they're going to kill you. Don't listen to them. Not everything you think is the truth. Your thoughts are not you; it only seems that way. There's a space in front of your thoughts; go there. Trust me, that space is there.

I think your psychopathy will help you understand this. You do not need to be sinking into this quagmire. You've been able to see so many people doing just that, when your own mind was in a clear space. You can get back there. That place is reality -- this place you're in now is not. I feel you understand what I'm saying. Do you? This is the time to use the strengths that come with being a psychopath. Please consider this. Even if you can't do it, know that you're not alone. There are people who care about you.

To remove the white highlights from your post, check out the following two resources:

http://www.filipinobloggersworldwide.com/2012/08/how-to-remove-irritating-highlights-in.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMUr6HB0V08

Anonymous said...

Hang on..

Sounds like you may be having a crisis. Also non-diagnosed get those, but probably less depressive. Yet a crisis. "Is this really what my life has come down to..Shiiiit.."
A little absurdism: When there is no meaning in anything, one might as well just hang on for the sake of curiousity. Just to see what may turn up :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe you shouldn't encourage his curiosity... ;)

Anonymous said...

I've never felt LOVE and can't imagine being with just one person - I'd be bored after day two. And when they start touching/ taking my stuff thats the end!

Having said that your comment is dead on: "though I can always do what's needed if somebody I care for is being threatened"

If one of my friends I care for is threatened or attacked, as happened recently, I go into kill mode big time...

Anonymous said...

Hey mate, Its Jay.
Chin up, you can do it...anything is possible, well nearly, you just got to dream a realistic dream and make it happen.

My grandma is 102, and has fucking done everything under the sun she felt like, and did it persistently until she was a pro at it....she still gets up of a morning and power walks up the street, and it would take a retard not to see that it is that choice, that way she chooses to tackle life, that makes it all possible. Maybe I will be able to help you out at some point in the future, after my own problems are dealt with.

Keep up the good fight mate, and thank you for what you have done for myself and psychopaths everywhere...from the seeds you planted in the minds of others, comes a new wave of self awareness, with each one of us gaining proficiency in the subject, and then spreading this to new people ourselves. The growth is exponential. Soon enough, we will be banding together for our mutual benefit, and working towards making the future more positive for our people.

Anonymous said...

PS- I had the same issue with my blog, it seemed to glitch for a while, but by highlighting unhighlighting the text and background it came good...just fiddle with it...had to make all my text a colour other than clack for a while too.

Zhawq said...

Akira,

I have chosen to write an article based on your comment, and as reply to you.

I hope you didn't give up on me because it took a long time before I was able to respond, and I hope an article will make up for it... a little bit? '^L~,

Sincerely
Zhawq.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 6, 2015 at 7:25 AM:

"Does this means that you are going to stop runing the blog?"

No no, certainly not. This blog, or rather it's Readers, you guys, are what keep me going right now. If I stopped writing I would be cut off from honest communication with other human beings entirely. I wouldn't survive that.

"Sorry for not been able to compred if you were trying to insinuate that, im European and english its not my mother tongue."

Don't worry, I have Readers from all over the globe, even China. Sometimes it can be a little hard for me to understand what non-English speaking people write, but if I really can't figure it out, I can always ask, right?

"By the way im very interested on your condition, dont stop writing the blog and be strong im sure you will find someone."

Thank you, friend, I truly hope you're right, and I fight for it to be right.

If I find someone or not, I cannot say, that part is totally up to her, if she is somewhere out there. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon May 6, 2015 at 9:30 PM:

"Hang on..

Sounds like you may be having a crisis."


You couldn't be more correct. I definitely have a crisis and one that I have never experienced the like of before, meaning I've never been pushed so close to...a certain point...as I am now. If I survive this, it will be something I'll never forget. I truly hope I can manage to not end up hating the country that is doing this to me as bitterly for the rest of my life as I have been hating them for a long time.

I believe every country has something positive to offer, but I am certainly not allowed to have part in any of this country's niceties, if there really are any (beyond their love for everything mediocre, and small, and above all, orderly).

"Also non-diagnosed get those, but probably less depressive."

Actually research seems to say the opposite. This is why I am hesitant to say outright that I have a depression. I say I'm having something like a depression, but I have seen neurotypical people with depressions, and they seemed a lot more heavily affected. Some even turned catatonic (which means they stopped moving altogether, they just lay there as dolls and were fed via tubes). One major thing I seem to lack, which is otherwise a nominator for depression, is sadness, a deep overwhelming sadness, and self blame, feelings of guilt, and more. Those parts are lacking in my case. But make no mistake, it's still real, and it is still potentially deadly.

"Yet a crisis: "Is this really what my life has come down to..Shiiiit.."

"A little absurdism: When there is no meaning in anything, one might as well just hang on for the sake of curiousity. Just to see what may turn up :)


I use that way of thinking a lot. I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't because I am so damned curious and somehow believe I can't be beaten.

There's also something inside me that says: It can't be true that absolutely nobody sees me for what and how I really am! Surely there must be someone who can see I'm not a bad person nor an unskilled or untalented one.

And if my isolation hinders me from meeting people who can see it, I can't help but feel it's a challenge, maybe the challenge of my life. I'm keenly aware that it may be the one challenge I loose, that my life is basically over, but it is not in my nature to let go willingly - though I admit I've contemplated the possibility many, many times in the past few months.

You're right, it's a paradox.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Jay:

"anything is possible, well nearly, you just got to dream a realistic dream and make it happen."

Lol, yeah, I know and that's what I've been doing these years since I first lost access to my money. But I'm running out of options, and without money you're fair game to be abused by anybody. Boy, have I learned that.

You know what's funny? As 'bad' as I've been, I've never treated people this vile as I am being and have been especially since I wasn't given surgery. And it's me who's supposed to be so evil that I deserve it. Such irony.

When I read your description of your grandma it would make me cry if I could - but somehow I can't cry. It would have because she's me, and she's me as I would still be in half a century from now if the ability to do what she's doing wasn't taken from me.

I don't think they understand how much they hurt me. I think that they believe it really doesn't bother me because I have no feelings, they think. - There are times when I only think of revenge because I think I'll never be allowed to show my positive sides, so why not give into my rage so at least I get some revenge and outlet?

But I'm too stubborn. I'll leave it at that for now because there'll be plenty for some future articles.

What you write next touches me like nothing else I can think of. It means so much to me to see in writing that what I do is not entirely without effect, that there are some folks out there who understands and who are at the same page - though thankfully not in the same situation.

"Soon enough, we will be banding together for our mutual benefit, and working towards making the future more positive for our people."

If this can become reality I'll have no regrets. We need this and a lot more like us need this. Hell, the world needs it!

Your words will stay with me, bro, be sure of it. And yeah, I'm not a quitter, times are just rough these days. That's the way things go. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon May 13, 2015 at 4:58 AM

"PS- I had the same issue with my blog, it seemed to glitch for a while, but by highlighting unhighlighting the text and background it came good...just fiddle with it...had to make all my text a colour other than clack for a while too."

Yeah, I've seen it on several blogs, even some of those that obviously have some professional help in on the updating and all that.

I tried all the things you mention, and believe me it was hard in my physical state. But none of these things, nor other things I tried, worked.

I even tried writing the article anew from scratch (having the text on a document I could write off from), I opened a new text site and re-uploaded the image, was even preparing to re-implement each link. But it made no difference and turned out the exact same way.

I think it's something with the host that sometimes doesn't function right - like sometimes people will write comments one day and I will post them, but they show up several days later.

I'm thinking of giving the website an overhaul, it needs it anyway. I just need to have the energy and stamina to do it.

PS. It's interesting that you made something work when you had this same issue. Hm, I'll keep it in mind if it happens again.

Anonymous said...

Any time mate. I find myself in the same predicament, though I have more time on my side, I see the land sloping downhill before me. The last year and half has flown by, and I have been on stall awaiting my day in court...10 more time periods this long and I will be starring retirement in the face..I may still only be in my late twenties, but I can see. The blow up option is awfully tempting for people of our ilk, and is always possible on some level. But the time to act and create, is always in the now, and although I still have never found that meaning that other people naturally have due to their emotionality, I am beginning to think I should just choose my best option now and go for broke...life is forever moving closer to the end, there is no time for tomorrow.

All the best mate, Jay