Monday, April 20, 2015

A Psychopath Begins To Tell His Story.


I was asked how I deal with Extreme Input (or Excitement-) Deprivation, what the Professionals call Boredom. And I answered The Truth: I knock myself out with Sleeping pills/Benzodiazepines. I don't think I mentioned that I mix these pills with Painkillers which I get because I am in constant Physical Pain due to an injury that this state has refused to heal since I was rushed Consciousless into the ER - this was after having been denied a Second Opinion for about a year during which this injury, which began as a small tick infection, now had become a full blown Infection that was now Critically Life Threatening and which, as it turned out, made it necessary to remove my knee. 

This could all have been avoided if my Physician (he was really working for the state... almost all doctors here are, though some have private clinics on the side for the rich(*)) hadn't refused me a reference to have the knee looked at by experts - after he himself admitted that he gave up finding out what kind of bacteria was creating the infection.

Of course I was meant to get a Knee Implant just like everybody else. It is not normal to let people walk around with a stiff and shortened leg which creates extreme imbalanced friction in the rest of the body, in your muscular as well as your bone structure which makes the patient completely disabled and invalid usually within a couple of years (it's taken 15 years with me, but I'm unusually strong), it's just not something you do anymore, not even to people in prison for murder with a life sentence. I mean, it isn't done anywhere else that I know of, but where I currently reside, and here I am the only individual I have been able to find who is forced to live with this condition.

A knee implant is today an orthopaedic surgery which is considered considered routine, and I myself have an acquaintance (a guy who is very obviously a psychopath but who has flown below the radar and never got caught for his crimes which, admittedly compared to mine are less serious) who two years ago began to feel pain in his left knee, went to his doctor, and immediately was given a time to meet up at the hospital 14 days later where he got his knee surgery. He's was back to work and living his life as usual within little more than 2 months during which he went through Physical Therapy Treatment twice a week.

I could only watch and had been denied this almost ten years before the described happened to him which turned out to be a case of slitage. I'e had the same in one knee since I was 16, due to over training Martial Arts, so I'm aware that it is very uncomfortable to live with.

How painful is my condition now? Maybe a little more about that in the next part of this article.

But I was denied this. And since I also did not have access to the money I've 'earned' over the years and stored away in banks overseas, I had to save up in a slower fashion and arrange to get the surgery done in a Private Hospital (example) in India. As mentioned, I was on pain medication which I informed the surgeon about in our correspondence and asked him to give me a guarantee that I would receive this medication during my stay as I would otherwise likely become ill and unsuited for surgery. He complied and send me in his own hand writing a Signed Guarantee vowing I would be given the medication I'd listed and upon which I depended.

But once I arrived things were different. They did not give me the medicine I needed and I became physically too weak to receive surgery wherefore he send me back to whence I came - this hell hole, which have caused me all the pain I have ever received, and that despite if there's a place I haven't been criminal and where I have been trying to change my ways (and succeeded, mind you!), this place is also where all human rights have been completely set aside, eventually bringing my situation to the point where it is now at.

How could the private hospital where I had been given all the guarantee one can wish that things would be done according to law and regulations, be putting my rights aside almost as if it were the same place from which I had left to get this surgery done?

The answer is simple, and I knew about it before I traveled to India but took the chance because it was the only chance I had at the time. I assumed my naturally commanding presence, my ability to 'bond' with people and make them see things my way would take care of the rest, but in reality I had little or next to no contact with the leading staff as well as this surgeon himself whom I met three times for a few minutes each, two of which times I was too ill to really make my dominant traits felt by anyone. And here's the first and most important aspect: I had nobody with me who could stand up for me or speak my case when or if I got in a state that didn't allow me to do so myself.

They knew it, and I knew it, but they took advantage of it, and the surgeon didn't even disguise the fact that this was what he was doing. He even covered his tracks, so to speak, by adding in my journal that I had numerous times told the staff I wanted to go home and they had eventually complied. All lies. I never asked to go home. If I had said much of anything I can assure you it wouldn't have been that!

This was my first directly personal experience with how vulnerable you become if you're alone when in a weakened state.

And since that time everyday things in life have become a battle - more and more by the day because I so deprived - to use the professionals' beloved term: I'm so BORED! that with the extra burden of everything being more and more painful, it has begun to take it's toll on my ability to remain stable and persistent in my work with this website and other everyday matters. 

There have been times where I believe I could find other ways to get surgery and to make new social and financial connections, but I have found that the system in this state, this country, which is Northern European but more of a Socialist and Police State than they let on... Sure, the US knows how they really are, and so do many other countries, but they nobody cares (except organizations like Amnesty International and others like them, who have this country very high towards the top of their list, among the third world countries and regimes that we all know negates human rights; but their incessant attempts to make people aware and react are largely ignored, not least by this country itself - it's usual practice is to ignore everything that is unpleasant and criticizes their ways) and other countries allow this one to continue to ignore all their citizen's their Human Rights, Constitutional Rights, Political Rights, etc. etc, because internationally this country plays nice and does what the more powerful nations want from them. It's no big deal to them if they have to buy new, expensive War weaponry and super jets that a small country such as themselves will normally not be able to afford, because after all, the population will be paying the whole thing.

The worst effect of Socialism when it's been extended as far into every detail of the nation's daily life as is the case here, is that it divides the population. When you are forced to pay everything to the state and your basic human rights are stripped from you, you become dependent on the state to take care of everything for you, and your belief in yourself dwindles (this is why this country has one of the world's largest annual suicide rates - though the last 3 years or so the numbers have been tampered with and you can no longer see it by Googling the Global Statistics (Global Statistics Example) of these and other matters of the same nature. 

It changed in one year, it happened that fast. From being able to look it up like you look anything up, and see the actual numbers, being able to confirm their likelihood of being honest because you're living among these people - to the following year just seeing nice, generalized numbers that are obviously made just to look good and put people's minds at ease....and then they have convinced the global community that this state has a next to zero rate of corruption...

- There's a reason for this belief as well as a certain grain of truth that has it's cause in aspects of how the system in that country is build up to function, but which we will have to go further into in a future article. And there may be some future articles on these matters because they play a big role in not only why I have begun to loose faith in my ability to actually, practically, make it out of here alive without help from anybody, as well as having a deep seated and prominent role in causing my psychopathy to take the form it did when I was a young kid and a young man - because I have ties to this place that I wasn't aware would be so powerful in their capacity to take away people's hope, their joy about living, and even their ability to believe in themselves as good, worthy beings.

I realize that I've opened up for a subject that will take some writing and therefore fill nicely, text wise, and take some time too, so I'm going to part it up in more than one article. I don't know how many parts there will be, time will show. 

There may also be other articles in between posting the next parts of this article, and that'll probably be a good thing. But I hope writing this article series will help give many of my Readers some of the insight into my background that you have asked for all along - because this is what it'll be. It may open up slowly, adding more aspects and past experiences that'll give you some of the understanding about 'who is Zhark?' that you didn't find answered in my other Autobiographical Bits (<-- that's a Label or - as I call it - a Topic(1*)). 

A lot of it is mainly about something else but contains bits of autobiographical past experiences which - to those really interested in the mind and workings of an admitted (and diagnosed) psychopath - may be worth reading. Also, not every article I've written is boring, y'know. ~L^,

..........

Finally, before I leave, I would like to tell you, my Readers, that so far it is You who have been keeping me going. 

..........
(1*) - Instead of the term 'label' I use the more suitable word 'Topics'. You will see it in the column to the left. You can use it find specific topics. If you want to read some articles where I describe experiences from early in life or just from my youth, or even things that have happened more recently you might want to take a look at the articles that show up if you click the word 'Autobiographical Bits' in the Topics column. If I have written an article about the topic you're looking for, it'll be on that list. 

PS. Alternatively, if you don't find anything that describes what you're looking for, you are always welcome to send me an email and suggest that I write about it. '^L^,

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

I always thought you were American? Don't know why though...

The Elite Psychopaths always turn a blind eye to any country so long as they follow the NWO agenda.

I hope you can get your knee OP and get better.

Zhawq said...

Anon,

you thought I'm American, but now you do not? Alright, I guess that's understandable.

I can't tell you my nationality at this point, but I can say that I was arrested in this Norther European country back in the day and have done all my ten years of prison time here. I was also released on parole here, on the condition that I committed to participate in a psychopathy research program, a deal that possibly will last for the rest of my life. It all depends on the board of researchers who enrolled me.

This arrangement has also kept me stuck here. I once attempted to leave, but a dear friend of mine became ill with cancer so I returned, and then I was put in prison for a while as punishment because I hadn't received a green light to move away from here.

Lately - that's for about 6 months - the board has gone very easy on me compared to how they used to squeeze me for more texts about my thoughts on myself and psychopathy. So I was beginning to think I could leave...

In fact I know I can leave any time now, but I've found myself with new problems that keeps me here: I have no access to my money - hell, I don't even know if they'll be there once I can get to them - and they've seen to it that I am kept in poverty and without health care, so I am for the first time in m y life completely dependent on other people to help me if I am to get out of here...

And that actually means if I am to survive. For I can say this much: Staying here, just being here, is killing me. Slowly, but surely, there's no doubt about it.

I can also say this much about my nationality: No amount of time spent here will make me European even though I do have some European ancestry in Romania (but I've never lived there or met these ancestors).

I don't know if this set anything straight, but it's all I can give you. I hope I have your - and other Readers' - understanding.

You're right about psychopaths when we're in a position of elite. We don't have an emotional tie to nationality and often differ from our neighbors and countrymen anyway, these people who don't understand us or what we're about. Why would we care? As long as things are going fine and we know others would ditch us the first chance they get, why would we care how they feel about their nation of origin?

But it's not only about caring or not caring. It's about simply not having those things in common with others that makes others feel an emotional attachment to their nation.

That said, there are exceptions, and I have always felt American at heart. But in a funny way I also feel I'm a citizen of the world. '^L^,

Anonymous said...

A knee replacement is certainly considered routine in most developed countries, and I am sorry to hear you have not gotten one. I'm not sure I understand why. How can this be justified? Of course it would lead to severe disability. The whole thing sounds very inhumane. If you being refused due to your criminal history, is this some sort of official policy where you live? Even just looking at the cost, in dollars, it is far less expensive to replace a knee than to provide the care needed if it is not done. Maybe they're not doing that, either.

Zhawq, it goes without saying that knocking yourself out with benzos and pain pills is dangerous, and also an extreme way to deal with boredom. I guess that means I can not imagine how boredom feels to you. How would you describe it?

Other than anger at the injustice of not receiving medical care and boredom stemming from your disability, are you depressed at all? I suppose that is not possible if you're a psychopath, so how would you describe your state of mind, if it extends beyond boredom and anger/ resentment?

How did it feel when you became vulnerable? This is quite a contrast to your normal state of being. When you were vulnerable, how did if feel not to be able to trust others to do the right thing?

Thanks for the insight into your background and your present life. I hope your circumstances will take a turn for the better.

Anonymous said...

It will be good to get more information on you, I have often wondered if it will be revealed and if I have ever heard of r seen you on TV etc before.

RB said...

hm.. I get the feeling.. but maybe harsh conclusions can be nuanced a little.

I just met a schizophrenic friend of mine (she is, but she never told is so indirectly straight forward before, as today.Anyway, I "knew" she had that diagnosis all along). Well, she is on meds, so it has been years since she heard "voices". About what and from who ? I asked. It was her mother shouting (very plausible a real and repressed memory)

I made me think along the following lines:
This woman, has repressed for ages, many decades. I knew something is "wrong", because after a lot sexual insisting from her (basically pulling out my cock and sucking it for 30 min) the first time we met. She insisted that I should penetrate her. I was thinking about the possible veneral diseases and wasn't too keen. But she had a condom, so we tried. Then she was like "ouch, that hurts", already before I had penetrated the penis head. I totally stopped. It wasn't right. There was something wrong with her in that area. I have later suggested that something sexually may have happened when she was a kid, and not just mental abuse, as she does remember. But she insists that she cannot remember anything.

I myself have gone through a process of allowing everything I remember a little to be remembered completely, from my own childhood. And doing it alone. Without drugs. It is fucking torture some days. Even weeks. You just gotta tell yourself what is real and not. That it is a memory and such. Take a walk. Etc. But you have to know your limits very well, to be able to manage it.
My friend, I fear, isn't capable of fixing it alone. It would IMO very likely make her suicidal.
So what can an overbooked psychiatrist really do, if they get the same impression that I did ? Well, drugs normally works. I would have suggested them myself. Till memories starts to come a little more back and then maybe. Then, maybe she would have been ready for a post at a trauma-hospital.

My point is: coming in the next post, because this one has become almost to large to post.

RB said...

You say you wanted to murder someone basically out of curiosity, right.

Now really did you ? And where did that desire or curiosity come from ?
I am just suggesting, but could it be that you once was a witness to some other person you loved, killing another person, which you also loved (as happens in family tragedies) and that you just never ever manage to figure out what the fuck made someone do such an act ?
And as you never managed to figure it out, you simply chose to repress the whole scene, or memory ?
Might be. Might not. Might be a variation of the issue. I don't know. Basically people fear the unknown a lot. At least as kids. And also the unexplainable. The latter creates chaos. Chaos is fear for most personality types. (I have to admit, that to some degree, I like chaos too)

People have so many self-created solutions to anxiety. I think some have called it "basic anxiety". Neurosis. How one choose to cope with them, is IMO what a diagnosis basically describe.

OCD (systemize). Isolation(plenty ones for that). Surrealism(a couple for that one too). Denial(getting closer to anti social, but only if you cannot behave :) )
Demanding (dependent and part of borderline)

You get the picture and can fill in the rest I think.

Whole mankind is basically just a fucking bunch of nerves, struggling to find their coping mechanisms for the unavoidable ending of it all (that was rather depressive. Which is also a disorder. lol)

Shall I tell you a big a secret too ? I know no perfect person :p

Thinking about a third post on this and the contrast that different cultures can bring. Culture crash. Normal in one culture, sickness in another, to put it binary.

RB said...

So when people, first friends or just "normals of the running (sub)culture you act in" in general senses that a person has given in, to his or her "trauma" (trauma is not binary thing either) coping mechanism (psychopathy being one, with IMO a huge root in Denial), they start their own "damage control". Basically it is about avoiding contact. For anti-socials, as in contrasts to more asocials, they "damage control" becomes rougher and tougher.

It does sound pretty smart, doesn't it ?
I think there may be something in it.

So psycho in one (sub)culture, may not even be psycho in another (sub)culture.
Example. europeans vs africans
society vs "1% gangs".

But who is right ?
If someone only has experience from one of them, it can be extremely frightening to leave it, even though "everybody" else can tell that it isn't any good for you.


Dunno. The answers may lie within you. Looking forward to your own narrative.

(I personally, vote for you getting a knee implant, for free. They should even just do it for possible pro-social reasons. You introspecting can actually bring something out of the ordinary knowledge to a society. Pain and meds, make that process harder. They are distractors)

RB said...

You're on a mission Zhawk ! :)


Gonna expose my own mind and experience a little as an example

Someone: "There are things you just don't do with friends!"

Me Kiddo: "Why ? I don't think it's painful. It doesnt really affect me and it is a bit exciting. So I am just following the golden rule here"

Someone:"They didn't like it. Just respect it. You don't have to understand it. Keep on, and you will run out of friends"

Me Kiddo: "Mkay...?!"

I still don't think it was very bad. It was basically that my emotional limits were rather high above the limits for the very normal kids.

One get the picture when that Someone above, for sure wasn't a part of my family.


When I dig as far back as I can, in my mind, I do remember still a time when I didn't like what I had done to my friend either. I remember when some family member first did it to me. It wasn't any okay feeling at all.

And this is what I often did as a kid. I tried to "understand" later, when by myself, why I shouldn't do it, as Someone suggested me. Then I often remember the time "before it happened to me on a regular basis". So I do remember a lot of negative shit from my own childhood.

But I have avoided doing some real nasty shit. I have spent a lot of time and energy in stopping my own urges. I'm tempted to say that it has even cost me a very profitable career. Then again, it also gave me a lot, on the interpersonal side.. but one never know if there is any real true and optimal solution.

Lately I have been digging more into "why do some fucking personality types make me wanna strangle them immediately...Those goddam narcs..." :). And so many these days. Epidemic. Either I get myself in order, or I just have to move to Tibet (figuratively speaking. I have my own "Tibet". I basically avoid them and get the fuck out from where they pop up. But "isolation" is a little bit sad)

KL said...

Zawq,


Hypothetically, if there were a "magic" pill or something that would allow you to feel the way "normal" people feel, would you take it? Or at this point in your life do you think that maybe if you did take it and looked back on your life with "normal" emotions that it would be too overwhelming and you may harm yourself? It's something I always wanted to ask a psychopath but I cut ties with the ones I know and I know you can't speak for all psychopaths but I was curious as to what you would say

Anonymous said...

If you are able to leave this place you clearly despise, but cannot afford to-- or even if you can't leave -- I have a suggestion. Write a book. You already have so much written here. You could self-publish it on Amazon.

I suspect M.E. Thomas has made plenty on her book, but she hasn't made any from me, because I will not waste my time subjecting myself to her abrasive attitude and superficial bullshit. Yet I come here to read your blog. You know just how to sugar-coat the bitter pill so it goes down easy, without sacrificing too much of the truth to make what you say valuable.

What I'm trying to get across is that what you have to say, and how you say it, is a thousand times better than anything Thomas, or the few other psychopaths who write, have to offer. Writing a book could very well change your situation. It could also alleviate some of the boredom you're struggling with.

I don't have to tell you this, Zhawq. Forget the money you can't access, at least for now. Don't let that, and the other things that are happening, consume your attention and energy.

Instead, focus on any possible ways that you can take action. Resentment will consume you if you let it. Don't let this injustice take over your life. Do what you need to do. Stay present. Take action. Get your clarity back.

I think you should consider what I've said here. I took a really rotten situation and turned it around, and one way I did that was by publishing books. Beside being mildly neurotic, I had a hip replacement that went very wrong, followed by a psychopath who tried to finish me off. Needless to say, neither he nor my surgeon was successful. But I was.




Zhawq said...

Anon April 23. 7:59 AM - Part 1:

"How can this be justified?"

They don't have to justify it. They haven't even given me a reason, and believe me, I've asked many times and in different ways.

"If you being refused due to your criminal history, is this some sort of official policy where you live?"

No, it isn't. On the contrary, the official policy says that everybody must be treated the same. But the reality is another. I know it's common to dey drug addicts and homeless good medical help, but not to this extent.

"Even just looking at the cost, in dollars, it is far less expensive to replace a knee than to provide the care needed if it is not done"

Exactly. See, this is what I don't understand, and I have brought it up again and again, but still I get no answer. I have told them that if they gave me a knee implant I would now be working, I would be able to take care of myself, pay my bills, etc. - buy new clothes and get my broken tooth fixed, but they just stare at me with that blank, hard stare that is so common around here. I ask them why they prefer to waste the tax payers' money but get no answer.

"I guess that means I can not imagine how boredom feels to you. How would you describe it?"

I don't know if it's different from how others feel boredom, but I think I feel it more intensely. But it's usually not only the boredom, it's the combination of boredom and anger.

In prison I could kind of turn myself off, so I slept, or I read. But now I'm too frustrated to do these things. I struggle to read a few books that I've bought and actually want to read. I'll get there eventually, especially if I see a glimmer of hope, but it's hard.

"are you depressed at all? I suppose that is not possible if you're a psychopath, so how would you describe your state of mind, if it extends beyond boredom and anger/ resentment?"

I used to think it isn't possible for a psychopath to become depressed, but studies have shown that it is possible to some extent, though it isn't clear if the depression we feel is completely the same as the depression normal people feel.

Lately I have asked myself sometimes if I was depressed, and I do show some of the signs, no doubt about that. The difficulty with getting things done because I'm no longer sure there's any chance that there'll come anything out of it, for example.

Also, I've begun to wonder if it's time to pack it all in and leave the stage for good, if you know what I mean.

I don't cry, I don't have self pity, it's just that if there's no point to all of it, then why continue?

I always thought I would meet someone I could spend my later years with, but as it is now there isn't much chance I'll meet anybody. And who would want to live with a psychopath anyway, even if I've turned law abiding and NEVER would harm those who are close to me? Who would even pay for my ticket out of here and risk not liking me when they saw me? Of course, I could find money enough for a ticket out of here, but I would need a place to stay, so it isn't as easy as that. It would take a truly special person to do something like that for me, a person they have never met (though I would expect they'd want to get to know me a little over the Internet before taking that step).

But that is pretty much the only hope I have left at this point. Funny how quickly ones life can go down the drain, huh?

Zhawq said...

Anon, april 23, 7:59 AM - Part 2:

"How did it feel when you became vulnerable? This is quite a contrast to your normal state of being. When you were vulnerable, how did if feel not to be able to trust others to do the right thing?"

How did it feel? You mean How DOES it feel, haha. It is horrible to be at the mercy of people that you know deep down don't want the best for you. When you then find it may be very difficult to escape these people, and the force you into a situation where you not only live life as a poor person, but as a person who has absolutely nothing except a computer and a few books, then you begin to become frustrated, angry and always find yourself in a bad mood.

I still struggle not to let it affect my mood too much, but now it's been about 5 years and things have only gotten worse.

I actually had a very good friend, and I also met a very wonderful, beautiful women though here, but then my friend died and I was hauled back to this country for further investigations - nobody bothered explain why that investigation had to happen just as I was overseas. The girl I'd met cut all communication after trying to get in touch with me for about 6 months - or so I think - during which I couldn't answer her, and my friend (whom she got to know) could also not answer her because she was now dead. I wasn't even allowed to go to her funeral.

"Thanks for the insight into your background and your present life. I hope your circumstances will take a turn for the better."

Thank You so much, Anon, for showing an interest in how an old psychopath feels when he finally reaches an age where the world has done research to establish there are good psychopaths, something he would love to prove he too can be, but which apparently there are forces who want to stop from happening.

About the vulnerability, it also makes you very suspicious and paranoid in a way that you didn't use to be.

Zhawq said...

Anon April 23. 6:09 PM:

"It will be good to get more information on you, I have often wondered if it will be revealed and if I have ever heard of r seen you on TV etc before."

It's possible that it depends on where in the world you live, for I didn't get a lot of coverage everywhere. I best not say anymore at this point, I just want you to not get disappointed if it turns out that you've never heard of me. - It's also a while ago, you see, so there was more paper coverage than TV. I did some radio appearances, though I did most of the interviewing, lol (<-- there's a reason for that).

Zhawq said...

RB,

I am not a schizophrenic. I didn't diagnose myself with psychopathy. Two different teams of psychiatrists and psychologists and what not, did, and a clinical psychologist alone, as the third, did.

I have done time for the murders I committed. 3 of them. I doubt any of that is in my head, my friend. There's a reason why I'm at a place I don't want to be right now.

And now that I am finally free to leave if I want to, I can't afford to because I no longer have a social network that can and will throw in the cash for me.

I must admit I don't understand much of what you're writing, but I understand one thing and know exactly what you mean when you talk about having done something to someone that you regret now.

I have two such cases. They both stem back to when I was a little kid, and I know I didn't have the tools to chose differently, but I still wish I hadn't done what I did.

In one case I beat up a new kid who'd just moved into the area. I did it simply because he was received with kindness and friendliness which I had never been.

If you've read my blog you already know why that is. I can tell from what you wrote about whether or not I had killed people in reality or in my mind, that you haven't, so let me suggest that you do so.

No hard feelings, my boy. We all make mistakes and form misassumptions about others. ;)

Zhawq said...

KL:

"if there were a "magic" pill or something that would allow you to feel the way "normal" people feel, would you take it?"

I've been asked this question before, and I can understand why. I don't mind answering again. Here goes...

No, I wouldn't take such a pill because it would make me not me. My emotionality, my personality, and the way I function is part of who I am, and I like who I am - always have.

But if there was a pill that could do this for a few hours or, say half a day, I would definitely do it because it would give some insight that I can only logically think my way to at this point.

At the end of the day I think it's probably best that there isn't such a pill, because we need people of difference psychological make up and different personalities. It's what makes our race so unique and our possibilities so limitless - if we can overcome to narrow mindedness that keeps people sitting with their head in the sand and denying that any others can be good than they themselves and their religion, culture, you name it.

"Or at this point in your life do you think that maybe if you did take it and looked back on your life with "normal" emotions that it would be too overwhelming and you may harm yourself?"

It's an intriguing question, KL, but it is impossible to answer because normal people are different too. Some would think I need to be put to death, others would forgive me due to my changed ways and how much I have to offer the study of psychopathy in current research. So I have no clue which of the two I would go for as a normal person. My logic says I would forgive myself due to what I've mentioned above because I think the knowledge I have is too important - thew knowledge people like me have is too important to throw away in the name of revenge.

There's a third element here: I happen to know my victims and some of their families, and I still feel pretty much the same way about them as I did when I killed these people.

It may sound - from what I've written earlier - as if I killed at random, but this isn't the case. I made sure that those I killed were people I wouldn't care for under any circumstances, people who were harming others the most of their living lives. - And this is as much as I can tell you about it at this point.

I can certainly understand why you find these questions interesting and why you wish you could ask all psychopaths the same questions. Of course, far from all psychopaths have killed other people, but even a hypothetical question of this nature could be interesting to learn about.

Now I actually know something about how most psychopaths - who have killed - feel about it, and they feel about it pretty much like myself: It doesn't bother them, it happened, and some will tell you that it's too bad, but the past cannot be changed, and that's that. Others will tell you they would change it if they could, but it is little more than words.

The truth is that thoughts about changing the past has little meaning to people such as myself. It is the now and the future that counts. How will you use what you have learned in the past to make the future better, that is what matters.

I hope this helps a little to understand the way I think. '^L^,

Zhawq said...

Anon April 25, 7:42 PM - Part 1:

"If you are able to leave this place you clearly despise, but cannot afford to-- or even if you can't leave -- I have a suggestion. Write a book."

I have wanted to write a book for several years now. But if I write it while I live here the state will take every penny I earn from it, and they will likely take over some decisions about it's content too.

That is why I am waiting and have been waiting for at least 2 years now.

I do want to write a book. I want to badly, for I have a lot to tell and a lot to discuss. I know I could write a book that would sell well, but I also need someone to publish it.

I know about the Amazon deal and it isn't a good one, to say it like it is. You don't earn anything. I've seen books for sale there for $1, books that people have spend up to 8 years writing.

No doubt ME has made good money on her book, she had the resources and the social connections who gave her all the help she needed. You can even see she's got help with her website since the book was published - whether she used her own money to get it updated or had people do it for her doesn't matter, but money speaks, and I have lost mine - at least as things look now.

I haven't read her book either. I read the first page which you can see on Amazon for free. It looked to be an entertaining and possibly sensationalist kind of book, but I really can't say much about it because I don't know. I suspect you may be right in your analysis.

One thing is very certain: Me's style and my own, as well as our aim, are very different. Apart from both being psychopaths and therefore having certain things in common - which astonished me at first - we are very different people.

Zhawq said...

Anon April 25, 7:42 PM - Part 2:

"Writing a book could very well change your situation. It could also alleviate some of the boredom you're struggling with."

There are two sides to this. 1. Writing a book WOULD change my life big time - if I could write it in a different country from this one, and English speaking country. - And 2. My boredom is part of the reason I haven't written much yet. You see, boredom messes with my focus, and my whole situation has made me semi-depressed which again means I don't get things done even though I would like to, because there's no fun or excitement in my life. None, zero, zip, nada!

There's a third element: If I am to write a book that will make it well, I will need to have some kind of rapport with my publishers. It may sound strange, but authors rarely decide on their own what they put in a book and what they do not put in it. They meet with their publishers who tell them what they think will give the best result (economically and regarding reader appeal).

We can say it's sad, but on the other hand, the publishers are the people who have experience with what sells and what doesn't.

Of course I'm not talking about changing the content of my book, it's more about what do you present in chapter 1 and what do you wait with until the prolog, things like that. Linguistics may also get into the picture depending on who the readers are that I will be catering to.

But to get back to alleviating boredom: I really wish it would. But if it could do that, I would be writing new articles on a daily basis for this website. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, after all.

I feel horrible writing this, it must make some readers think I don't care, but that is far, VERY far from the case. Please try to understand - and believe me when I tell you - that I am having a personal crisis these days. I may even decide I've tried enough and lock down both this website and myself. I promise to announce it before hand if I make that choice, but judging from what I know about myself I'll probably find a way out at the last moment...though of course, some moment really has to be the last, and that's what I'm contemplating.

To me taking your own life is not a sign of cowardice if you really honestly can see there's no point in continuing it, and you know you aren't hurting anybody by doing it. - But I think I shouldn't talk anymore about this subject for now. I can always bring it up again if it some time does become relevant for real.

Zhawq said...

Anon April 25, 7:42 PM - Part 3:

"I don't have to tell you this, Zhawq. Forget the money you can't access, at least for now. Don't let that, and the other things that are happening, consume your attention and energy.

Instead, focus on any possible ways that you can take action. Resentment will consume you if you let it. Don't let this injustice take over your life. Do what you need to do. Stay present. Take action. Get your clarity back."


I can't say anything other than that you're right about everything you write here. I know, because this is what I'm trying to do and have been struggling to do for a long time (two years or so).

But can you see, that when there is nothing to get your attention, then the little there is will. And that to me are those 'other things that are happening' (and NOT happening). :)

"I think you should consider what I've said here."

Oh, I will. I can't do otherwise because this is how I think anyway. It would appear you and me are pretty much alike in these kinds of matters.

"I took a really rotten situation and turned it around, and one way I did that was by publishing books."

Oh, is that so? I would be very interested in hearing more about this. Will you indulge me?

"Beside being mildly neurotic, I had a hip replacement that went very wrong, followed by a psychopath who tried to finish me off. Needless to say, neither he nor my surgeon was successful. But I was."

He tried to finish you off? For real? Anon, would you write me an email? There are so many similarities it is almost uncanny. The main factor who has hindered me in getting the knee implant is a psychopath too, he's an orthopaedic surgeon and dominates all the other surgeons at that hospital, so I get No! every time. If I seek help on other hospitals, they send me back to this one.

You know, if there is any sense in doing it, I will apologize to you on behalf of that other psychopath who gave you such a difficult and dangerous time. Also, this is something I have never done to anybody. I have never tried to force death indirectly upon people, and the three times I did cause somebody's death there were more sense to it than I have let on earlier. This would be explained in my book.

Thank you so much for a very supporting comment post. I do hope you'll write me. If you don't, that's okay too, I understand.

I am so happy that you prevailed. Your story shows that psychopaths and normal people alike can get in bad luck and be treated horribly by others, it is not an either or, and not something one group alone does to the other. (<-- Another thing I hope to help tell the world).

There are so many things I want to do. Making just one other person happy is but one of them.

RB said...

Hi Zhawk.

If things get too depressing, please post and get some feedback.
If the world comes crumble down on you, I would suggest a walk.

Keep it simple. Take a break and so.


About my friend. I forgot maybe the most crucial part. I came to think about it later that evening.

I wasn't suggesting you being a schizo. I just knew she was diagnosed one, despite never telling me. But my point is, which I try to tell her gently. She is a primer psychopath. The "no pain, scary laughter" type. But she is not accepting such an awful fact. She prefer to be a schizo and stay a victim-psychopath of her upbringing. And yes, she did have a cold upbringing. I even suspect sexual abuse. But you know, she has invested so much in being a victim and wasted so, so many possibly very good years and opportunities, that I honestly think she would need another nervous breakdown, before she dares to dig into the core of her problems.

So I am trying to tell her, by more or less labeling myself as a primer psychopath. Tell her things that I read on the internet. About all the good jobs and things primer psychos have done and achieved. About the advantages of having little pain-sensations and not so much fear.

Etc.. She doesn't respect my wishes. If I tell her I need some time without the telephone disturbing me, she seems to be pretty careless about that. Otherwise, she is quite ok to hang around with once every now and then.

Yeah...another thing... She is terrible at kissing and that other thing. That plus her laughter, made me consider her a primer psycho pretty quick. I think the kissing issue, is related to "less emotions". I honestly do feel sorry for her, and want her to try to get her life just a little bit better.

Then again. I gotta work a lot on my own shitty situation too.

Good luck Zhawk. Maybe a new post ? Get some feedback on some other things you have in your mind ?

Be careful about expecting too much sympathy from society. You do get some, right.. It ain't all that bad, despite how shitty and meaningless it may feel

RB said...

Normality Vs abnormality

Basically a "war" between which delusion is "best". The "real world" delusion or the "imagined" delusion.

A psychopath, or socio, or those semi-psychotic diagnosis, are basically people, which have 1 foot in each camp/delusion. And they can manage.
A psychotic is a normal, who just happens to be totally into another delusion than "real world".

So the psychopath becomes charming. Not because he is or needs to be, but because some people want to be spellbound by his "other foot world". For instance, that it is a world in which there does exist a perfect woman, and that she just happened to be that woman, out of billions alternative others.

The psychopath, or just non-criminal semi-psychotic, is a person who cheats. He is sort of playing the same game, just not that rigid about following the "normal agreed rules" for that particular game. He is a little Maradona, using the hand of God, in addition to his to excellent feet

Lol. How stupid isn't it all.

Alexis said...

I've went through and read many of your posts, mostly because I am writing a paper about psychopathy, but the point of my comment is have you ever gone to any extent to medicate yourself? I would also like to know your view on a treatment or even a prevention for those who have or show symptoms of psychopathy? I'd love to ask more questions and if it would be alright with you to talk more about this interesting topic. If you'd like you could contact me through my Email: xxb4ux@aim.com
Thank You,
-Alexis

Anonymous said...

The orthopedic surgeon who screwed up my hip replacement was a psychopath. You're right, we do share some similarities, even though we're on opposite ends of the spectrum. My experience with the second psychopath turned me into a confident and self-sufficient person, and one who is good at reading people, but my empathy and conscience are intact.

Thank you for trying to apologize for what that psychopath did, but he's beyond apologies, and I'm beyond needing one.

You should seriously consider self-publishing. People DO make money on Amazon. I make a very nice living. While it's true that most people don't earn much, you are not 'most people.' Am I right?

All you would need is an editor, and possibly someone to help you with formatting your document.

I think an actual publisher would definitely take interest in you, so the choice would be yours.

I understand doing things is hard for you in your present state of mind, and I realize being left without a knee is a serious disability. I know I may have come across as insensitive to your present circumstances, but I decided to step over the line a bit just to see if I could get a spark out of you. Don't give up, Zhawq. There is plenty of life left in you; it's just buried under everything you're dealing with. Dig for it. Don't let those bastards win! You've got to save your own life.

I was just reminded of a quote that seems fitting:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

― WH Murray

You have to get your hope back. You need something to work on that's meaningful to you, that's worthwhile, that will motivate you to get up in the morning.

If it's possible at all, you should start writing your book now so it will be ready to publish when you move to a new place. Just do a little each day. For example, take one of your blog posts and think of it as a chapter of your book. Make the changes you want to make, polish it up, and there you go, you have one chapter written. You can always add new things later, but this would be a good way to start. You already have so much good stuff written here, so there's no reason to reinvent the wheel. Tomorrow, why don't you go through your blog and make a list of all the posts you want to include in your book? Try to work for an hour, or thirty minutes, or whatever you can. Starting will create the energy you need to continue.

Deal?

Zhawq said...

RB,

"I would suggest a walk"

That's what I used to do. Walking is a necessity for me to thrive. However, I can't walk anymore, I'm disabled, remember? In the beginning I walked anyway, but now the pain is too severe and I just can't do it anymore. It has destroyed my body that I pressed the issue.

"she has invested so much in being a victim and wasted so, so many possibly very good years and opportunities,"

Yeah, I've known people like that. Personally I invested everything in being successful, but it was taken from me. At the time that was justice because I had a bill to pay to society, but what's happening now isn't justice.

If you think after 4 years of writing, mentioning my misfortune is me making a victim of myself, then that's your right.

"[I] Tell her things that I read on the internet. About all the good jobs and things primer psychos have done and achieved."

If she's a schizophrenic it's not likely to be helping her.

"She doesn't respect my wishes. If I tell her I need some time without the telephone disturbing me, she seems to be pretty careless about that"

That's because to her there are nobody who have more pressing and important problems than her. She sees only her own situation.

"Be careful about expecting too much sympathy from society"

Do you think I was born yesterday?

"You know, if there is any sense in doing it, I will apologize to you on behalf of that other psychopath who gave you such a difficult and dangerous time"

I don't know what you mean.

Anonymous said...

Hello Zhawq,

I would like your opinion on something. I'm having a bit of trouble with believing this whole 'psychopathy diagnosis'. Why is it that the world has taken on the notion of this diagnosis without trying to objectively evaluate it? For a long time I have been interested in the idea of a psychopath. However I suspect it was the sensationalism and attractiveness of it all that I found interesting. But now I am starting to question the diagnosis and Dr Robert Hare's musings on the topic. A little bit of background about me: My initial degree was in Psychology (BSc. Hons), and my current degree is in Forensic Psychology (Msc). Personally I do believe there is a distinct personality type that is different to other personality types (ASPD,BPD etc.),which has some of the features of Psychopathy. However I don't think it is as black and white as some people suggest. I've met people in my life who have certain features of psychopathy, and I also wonder whether 'psychopathy' is subject to change.

WARNING: I'm GOING TO BE A LITTLE MEAN NOW. Dr Robert Hare is full of bullshit. The man has tried to sensationalise this whole concept. He makes around $35,000 a year just because people believe the drivel that comes out of his mouth. I'm saying this all independently to my thoughts around the existence of the psychopathy diagnosis. Whether the man is right or not, he still talks a lot of bullshit. He has tried to stop people publishing work because it goes against his measure, which is food for thought.

Also I work in mental health and originally wanted to pursue a career in Clinical Psychology. Now though I am starting to question the whole profession (e.g. I don't like the concept of depriving people of their liberty ,say for example, just because they believe they might be Jesus etc.). Does the concept of a 'psychopath' serve a morally cleansing purpose i.e. there is no way someone 'normal/non-psychopathic' could possibly commit such a heinous crime?

Anyway to sum up these are my thoughts on the topic. I could be entirely wrong, and I am quite open to adapt my beliefs if I'm presented with new evidence. I am simply contemplating the topic. Nonetheless ,whether psychopathy is a static, black and white diagnosis or not, we can't deny the amount of money that is to be had from such a concept.

P.S: I hope you find some relief from the knee pain, as someone who suffers from arthritis I can empathise a little (I am in my early 20s).

RB said...

I suspect myself that Hare is rather paranoid. A type 6 of the enneagram. He does seems to mellow. But hey, cmon...Basing a diagnosis out of the interview of death row prisoners...

What the fuck do such a prisoner get out of being honest to himself and start to regret what a shitty thing he/she did. Besides, the governemnts do the same as the prisoner did. "Take life". Also innocent lives.

I quit psychology when I figured out that reading the history of it, that they are pretty high on narcissism a lot of the big names in psychology history. They just needed to defend their theories despite a lot of evidence excluding their theories as the one and only thing. To me, such a strict standpoint is pretty close to paranoia or narcissism.

Mathematics are for the real smart guys, not the wannabees. Programming, and other hard sciences are great as well.

Interesting comment from you, young psychologist (student ?)
The danger of such a diagnosis, is very easily becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy (and a lot due to getting a really harder life because of the diagnosis. It ain't even necessarily irratioanl).. So just behave, all you guys :)

Anonymous said...

Hello RB,

I don't necessarily agree with your comment regarding mathematics. I think there is value in lots of fields such as Ancient History, Philosophy, Linguistics etc. But we can agree to disagree.

I think you are right. There are plenty of narcissists in all kinds of fields, including Psychology. Some individuals will try their hardest to defend their theories. Me personally I'm willing to change my viewpoint and challenge my thinking all the time.

Anonymous said...

'who is Zhark?" How come this appears in your article? Was it a flashback to when you say you were referred to as "Shark"? Just asking although I know you won't answer as you never do on old articles, and now you don't even answer on the latest. But I wanted to draw it to the attention of future readers.