You asked me what I think of you now, after reading your latest email which I've published in it's entirety in the two previous parts of this article. The answer to your question is that I still think the same as I told you the first time: You fit the definition of a psychopath.
But I am wondering why you want to convince yourself and others that you're not a psychopath. Do others think you're a psychopath? And why does it matter to you if you are? It's just one more piece of knowledge, it's neither good nor bad, good and bad is cultural moral concepts that only matters if you buy into the societal moral system. Otherwise it'll only matter if you have legal issues.
I agree that LSD can change a person. It think it changed me. It didn't make become not a psychopath and it didn't turn me into one, I can't really define how it changed me, but I believe it made me more aware at a level that we rarely tap into in our normal everyday reality. It's hard to put a finger on the changes LSD. can make in a person, I'm also not convinced that everybody does change with such an experience, it probably depends on that person's personality and on their according preferences to a certain extent.
I understand what you're saying about having an understanding for women and feeling a certain loathing toward men for having abused our 'assets'. I don't feel the loathing towards me myself, but I do think I can say I have the understanding for women that you describe. It's a culturally founded imbalance too and has a lot to do with the religious foundation that our culture's values are based upon. But it's the people who are buying into it, men and women alike.
Almost everything you have described could've been written by me, you just use a different vocabulary in some instances, other than that you remind me about myself in many ways as I was 20 years ago.
Charm, yeah, sure I've had my setbacks and downfalls, but I think it's only normal, still you learn with time. When situations like the one you describe occurs it usually has to do with how you view the other person, you're not quite sure if you're up to her standards, maybe she's more experienced and knows the game better than you, it makes you hesitate and once you hesitate timing gets off and you lose the moment; of course you notice this and the game is lost. I think probably a very narcissistic person will believe himself the ultimate charmeur, a realist will not.
As for the situation where you experimented with chocking the dog, I'm not sure I understand how you could feel like you were being chocked too. But I'm glad to hear about it because I was never sure about whether this kind of experience - the empathy where you feel you're in the other individual's shoes - was real or just the way people describe it because they can't find the words to describe this kind of experience more precisely, in short, if it is basically sympathy but people choose to call it empathy because it sounds more 'deep' or benignly sensitive. - I don't know if it's the same, but sometimes when I watch a movie or a reality show where somebody describes a painful experience, I can really sympathize with them. I don't feel as if I'm in the same situation, but I can let it get close enough for me to feel 'moved' somehow. I can also easily stop the sensation or stop it from starting to begin with if I chose to, but it's peculiar that it can happen when I allow it to. I know not all psychopaths have this ability and I consider it to be something that makes you and me count as less severely psychopathic that we do have it.
By the way, I know why the dog appeared to not learn from the experience when you mock-chocked it. Part of the reason is that to this dog you were not only part of it's pack but also having a higher position in the ranking order. Add to this that dogs can actually tell if you 'mean it'. I've experienced this first hand and was surprised at how precisely dogs can read the sincerity of your intentions. What they read is your feelings (and this is possible because feelings affect you physically). A dog can easily tell if it actually really hurt you when the dog accidentally bit you too hard and you yelled out. If you don't really feel anything towards a dog and you're in it's pack it'll assume you're friendly or perhaps be indifferent towards you, depending on your 'status' in the family - the dog's pack (about pack instinct).
Reading about how you humiliated the weed guy and your "pranks" ("I always knew you'd die in my arms" etc.) made me chuckle, it brought back memories. I'll give you a couple of the milder examples of things I have done...
There was one thing I did several times: I would hit on some pretty girl, often in public, in an uptown night club or an expensive restaurant, I even did it once in a jeweler shop. I'd behave like the complete perfect and charming gentleman but speak with a very heavy drooling hillbilly accent during the whole thing. Mostly this would make people feel very uncomfortable because they didn't know if I seriously spoke that way and they didn't know how to respond. It wasn't something I planned, I just... did it.
Once there was this guy, a really narcissistic dude, who tried to humiliate me in front of a girl I'd been considering make a pss on. I happened to be ill when he made his move so I lost my opportunity with the girl and he acted out all over the place showing off how he'd got her and I hadn't. Then time passed and I didn't see him for a long time. But one night I ran upon him, he was on his way into an uptown night club just as I was leaving, and I noticed he'd lost weight and grown very pale. I knew why, he was using. I destroyed him with one sentence. I stopped, looked at him with an expression of shock and said: "You..look..like...SHIT!". He never attempted anything against me again.
Then there was this other guy who had once invited me to stay over at his house when I didn't have anywhere to go, only to let me sleep on the floor, clearly out of sheer sadism. I met him again a year or so later, and he was BADLY in need of money. Of course I "happened" to not have any credit cards or any cash on me, so he asked me if I would speak to his mom for him because he'd tried to borrow money from her so many times she'd caught on to his schemes and wouldn't loan him anything unless somebody could speak good for him. So I volunteered, of course I would help. So I called her and made very sure that she didn't loan him any money, but without letting him know that I subtly influenced her to be even more set on not loaning him any money ever again. I dragged the situation out and took pleasure in watching him squirm as I talked forth and back with his mother making it seem as if I was helping him.
On a slightly more serious scale there was this guy I met in prison. He was a killer too, but very different from me. His victim was a 12 year old boy, he chocked him while he was on the way to school because he needed money for a party he'd promised to get booze for the same evening. He was obviously a weak person, but he had access to something I did not at the time: He was given 8 hour leaves from prison and could bring back 'valuables' that would bring a good price if you made it available for sale to other inmates. I knew he already had a few customers but approached him to hear if he could squeeze me in too. He readily agreed to bring me some things that I knew some inmates who would pay very well for, so we made the appointment and I brought the two guys the news and told them they'd have to wait until the following weekend when this guy was on his 8 hour leave.
On the day when he'd been out he came back and brought goods....to some that he'd promised it to, but not to me. I had to tell me buyers there would be no deal because there was no merchandise. They took it okay, but to me this shithead had betrayed me, so I waited for an opportunity to take revenge.
The opportunity came a few months later when this guy was being moved over to my wing. This was a wing for the well behaved prisoners and we had certain privileges like working all over the prison (which was how I got in touch with this guy before he was moved to my wing). Well he was the type of person who was very nervous about whether people liked him or not (this was also the reason he killed the boy; he was afraid his "pals" wouldn't accept him when he didn't bring booze after having promised that he would - silly idiot!). So the evening came when he was coming over, and as he walked down the hallway I could see his nervousness. As he came closer and I was someone he recognized, I was also supposed to greet him; if I didn't it would be an obvious sign something was wrong between us. This wasn't unusual in any way. But to this guy, as he was about the walk past me, I suddenly knew I could destroy him completely if I said one thing to him, and so I said that very thing, no 'Hello' or 'Hi'. Just these words: "I can already see the blade going across your wrist!".
I'm not even sure if he heard what I was saying, but what he did get was my denouncing him. And the following morning he was found in a pool of blood having attempted to commit suicide by slashing his wrist. He had also done it at a time when there was a decent chance that he'd be found before he died, so he didn't in fact die but he was quickly moved out of the wing and was never allowed back there. Nor was he ever trusted again by others, his reputation was destroyed for good.
This was not a prank, obviously. I write it as an example of how both pranks, mischief, and more serious behavior can occur to you in a flash of a second and you just know what to do and how in order to achieve a certain effect, and to me these things often happen in the same way even if in between themselves they may be different in nature and consequence.
I've taken revenge in this kind of way with others who have crossed me, and I'll not deny that I take great delight in doing so....There's one guy in particular who would come back and confide his troubles and heartaches after having attempted to stage an assault on me while we were in prison. He loves my advice even though I always make sure to tell him things that lead absolutely nowhere. How can people be so dumb, to attempt to harm you and then trust you to be their friends afterwards? It's beyond me - but of course I know why....It's because I don't let people know that I'm slightly smarter than they think I am - just like you describe that you do.
Being a psychopath is not good or bad, it just is.