Thursday, June 5, 2014

Response: Mischief & Revenge. (Interview - Part 3)

You asked me what I think of you now, after reading your latest email which I've published in it's entirety in the two previous parts of this article. The answer to your question is that I still think the same as I told you the first time: You fit the definition of a psychopath.

But I am wondering why you want to convince yourself and others that you're not a psychopath. Do others think you're a psychopath? And why does it matter to you if you are? It's just one more piece of knowledge, it's neither good nor bad, good and bad is cultural moral concepts that only matters if you buy into the societal moral system. Otherwise it'll only matter if you have legal issues.

I agree that LSD can change a person. It think it changed me. It didn't make become not a psychopath and it didn't turn me into one, I can't really define how it changed me, but I believe it made me more aware at a level that we rarely tap into in our normal everyday reality. It's hard to put a finger on the changes LSD. can make in a person, I'm also not convinced that everybody does change with such an experience, it probably depends on that person's personality and on their according preferences to a certain extent.

I understand what you're saying about having an understanding for women and feeling a certain loathing toward men for having abused our 'assets'. I don't feel the loathing towards me myself, but I do think I can say I have the understanding for women that you describe. It's a culturally founded imbalance too and has a lot to do with the religious foundation that our culture's values are based upon. But it's the people who are buying into it, men and women alike.

Almost everything you have described could've been written by me, you just use a different vocabulary in some instances, other than that you remind me about myself in many ways as I was 20 years ago.

Charm, yeah, sure I've had my setbacks and downfalls, but I think it's only normal, still you learn with time. When situations like the one you describe occurs it usually has to do with how you view the other person, you're not quite sure if you're up to her standards, maybe she's more experienced and knows the game better than you, it makes you hesitate and once you hesitate timing gets off and you lose the moment; of course you notice this and the game is lost. I think probably a very narcissistic person will believe himself the ultimate charmeur, a realist will not.

As for the situation where you experimented with chocking the dog, I'm not sure I understand how you could feel like you were being chocked too. But I'm glad to hear about it because I was never sure about whether this kind of experience - the empathy where you feel you're in the other individual's shoes - was real or just the way people describe it because they can't find the words to describe this kind of experience more precisely, in short, if it is basically sympathy but people choose to call it empathy because it sounds more 'deep' or benignly sensitive. - I don't know if it's the same, but sometimes when I watch a movie or a reality show where somebody describes a painful experience, I can really sympathize with them. I don't feel as if I'm in the same situation, but I can let it get close enough for me to feel 'moved' somehow. I can also easily stop the sensation or stop it from starting to begin with if I chose to, but it's peculiar that it can happen when I allow it to. I know not all psychopaths have this ability and I consider it to be something that makes you and me count as less severely psychopathic that we do have it.

By the way, I know why the dog appeared to not learn from the experience when you mock-chocked it. Part of the reason is that to this dog you were not only part of it's pack but also having a higher position in the ranking order. Add to this that dogs can actually tell if you 'mean it'. I've experienced this first hand and was surprised at how precisely dogs can read the sincerity of your intentions. What they read is your feelings (and this is possible because feelings affect you physically). A dog can easily tell if it actually really hurt you when the dog accidentally bit you too hard and you yelled out. If you don't really feel anything towards a dog and you're in it's pack it'll assume you're friendly or perhaps be indifferent towards you, depending on your 'status' in the family - the dog's pack (about pack instinct).

Reading about how you humiliated the weed guy and your "pranks" ("I always knew you'd die in my arms" etc.) made me chuckle, it brought back memories. I'll give you a couple of the milder examples of things I have done...

There was one thing I did several times: I would hit on some pretty girl, often in public, in an uptown night club or an expensive restaurant, I even did it once in a jeweler shop. I'd behave like the complete perfect and charming gentleman but speak with a very heavy drooling hillbilly accent during the whole thing. Mostly this would make people feel very uncomfortable because they didn't know if I seriously spoke that way and they didn't know how to respond. It wasn't something I planned, I just... did it.

Once there was this guy, a really narcissistic dude, who tried to humiliate me in front of a girl I'd been considering make a pss on. I happened to be ill when he made his move so I lost my opportunity with the girl and he acted out all over the place showing off how he'd got her and I hadn't. Then time passed and I didn't see him for a long time. But one night I ran upon him, he was on his way into an uptown night club just as I was leaving, and I noticed he'd lost weight and grown very pale. I knew why, he was using. I destroyed him with one sentence. I stopped, looked at him with an expression of shock and said: "!". He never attempted anything against me again.

Then there was this other guy who had once invited me to stay over at his house when I didn't have anywhere to go, only to let me sleep on the floor, clearly out of sheer sadism. I met him again a year or so later, and he was BADLY in need of money. Of course I "happened" to not have any credit cards or any cash on me, so he asked me if I would speak to his mom for him because he'd tried to borrow money from her so many times she'd caught on to his schemes and wouldn't loan him anything unless somebody could speak good for him. So I volunteered, of course I would help. So I called her and made very sure that she didn't loan him any money, but without letting him know that I subtly influenced her to be even more set on not loaning him any money ever again. I dragged the situation out and took pleasure in watching him squirm as I talked forth and back with his mother making it seem as if I was helping him.

On a slightly more serious scale there was this guy I met in prison. He was a killer too, but very different from me. His victim was a 12 year old boy, he chocked him while he was on the way to school because he needed money for a party he'd promised to get booze for the same evening. He was obviously a weak person, but he had access to something I did not at the time: He was given 8 hour leaves from prison and could bring back 'valuables' that would bring a good price if you made it available for sale to other inmates. I knew he already had a few customers but approached him to hear if he could squeeze me in too. He readily agreed to bring me some things that I knew some inmates who would pay very well for, so we made the appointment and I brought the two guys the news and told them they'd have to wait until the following weekend when this guy was on his 8 hour leave.

On the day when he'd been out he came back and brought some that he'd promised it to, but not to me. I had to tell me buyers there would be no deal because there was no merchandise. They took it okay, but to me this shithead had betrayed me, so I waited for an opportunity to take revenge.

The opportunity came a few months later when this guy was being moved over to my wing. This was a wing for the well behaved prisoners and we had certain privileges like working all over the prison (which was how I got in touch with this guy before he was moved to my wing). Well he was the type of person who was very nervous about whether people liked him or not (this was also the reason he killed the boy; he was afraid his "pals" wouldn't accept him when he didn't bring booze after having promised that he would - silly idiot!). So the evening came when he was coming over, and as he walked down the hallway I could see his nervousness. As he came closer and I was someone he recognized, I was also supposed to greet him; if I didn't it would be an obvious sign something was wrong between us. This wasn't unusual in any way. But to this guy, as he was about the walk past me, I suddenly knew I could destroy him completely if I said one thing to him, and so I said that very thing, no 'Hello' or 'Hi'. Just these words: "I can already see the blade going across your wrist!".

I'm not even sure if he heard what I was saying, but what he did get was my denouncing him. And the following morning he was found in a pool of blood having attempted to commit suicide by slashing his wrist. He had also done it at a time when there was a decent chance that he'd be found before he died, so he didn't in fact die but he was quickly moved out of the wing and was never allowed back there. Nor was he ever trusted again by others, his reputation was destroyed for good.

This was not a prank, obviously. I write it as an example of how both pranks, mischief, and more serious behavior can occur to you in a flash of a second and you just know what to do and how in order to achieve a certain effect, and to me these things often happen in the same way even if in between themselves they may be different in nature and consequence.

I've taken revenge in this kind of way with others who have crossed me, and I'll not deny that I take great delight in doing so....There's one guy in particular who would come back and confide his troubles and heartaches after having attempted to stage an assault on me while we were in prison. He loves my advice even though I always make sure to tell him things that lead absolutely nowhere. How can people be so dumb, to attempt to harm you and then trust you to be their friends afterwards? It's beyond me - but of course I know why....It's because I don't let people know that I'm slightly smarter than they think I am - just like you describe that you do.


Being a psychopath is not good or bad, it just is.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Am I A Psychopath? (Interview - Part 2)

Here is the second half of the email the first part of which I published yesterday.

As in Part 1 of this article, I have kept the content unquoted and aligned my own words to the right, while my "Interviewee's" text is aligned to the middle section of the page...


...I'm virtually a saint in some instances. Okay, kidding, but you see what I mean.
I admit, I chuckled a bit at that one. But now to think of it, I do get angry more than I seem to think. Not many people see me angry. In fact, the only ones who were able to drive my nerves were my parents. Like when they got angry at me for doing something I wasn't supposed to. Now, I don't really care hat my parents think. In fact, I prefer they be disappointed in me. That's when they stop interacting with you. It's a much more calm environment.

But the few times when I do express my anger, when enough is enough, I don't have that "energetic" trait most people recognize anger with. I usually just call people names that match their weakness (i.e. Double-chin, poor, man-tits, mosquito-bites, wannabe, pervert, dumb-ass), or if someone I'm not familiar with wants my attention, I'll just flip them off and walk away. All of this, of course, I do calmly. I don't even so much as shout. But overall, yes, I'm just good at not showing it. Most of the time, I hide it, and hide it well. Over time, it diminishes. Only few times have I expressed anger.

On the note of charm: No, I'm not satisfied. I've once asked a woman I know of if she was single. Even whilst I was thinking on what to say, my heart rate was starting to speed up, I started breathing heavy, and I was getting shaky. I had no idea how I managed to hide it all, but gave off a smooth, confident air, like I had planned. Anyway,  I planned out, that if she said she wasn't single, I'd still push her. I'd say, "Too bad! I'll I'm gonna ask you out anyway!". This was supposed to have a comedic effect, and at least get her thinking. Instead, when she said that she wasn't single, I got nervous. I was still able to hide it, so I tried exploiting that, and continue with the mentioned quote. Disappointingly, I was only able to say, "Too bad.". Even today, I get pissed at myself for letting nervousness get to me. For letting the fear of rejection dominate me. The only thing that kept me going was the thought, "What's going to happen tomorrow? Nothing. It will be like rejection never happened."

First, tell me what your expectations are with a domestic life with a wife and a kid. It is the only future goal you have listed, so I assume it's your main aim, yes?
My expectations are to encounter conflicts that may be considered 'frustrating' or 'difficult'. This is better than boredom, isn't it? It has that 'real-life' sense to it. You know how, if you put in a list of cheat-codes in a game, it makes everything easier? Well, continue playing for a while, and it becomes "fatally" boring. If there are tasks that actually challenge you, then the amusement comes flooding back in!

Same thing in real life.

My wife, to be blunt, would be curvy, sharp-tongued, agile, a masochist, callous, highly manipulative, humorous, and would know when to actually buckle down and get serious.

Also, the child (I only want one so as to prevent too much stress and only one mouth to feed, so as to save money) would be a daughter (yeah, big surprise I want a daughter, right?). My expectations would be that she was obedient, but sometimes rebelled. Unlike people in general, I want my daughter to be more "human" than completely obedient through fear and intimidation.  She would make mistakes and learn from them, she would be taught self-defense, she would take up my twisted sense of humor, she would be sharp-tongued, loquacious, playful, intelligent, attractive.

So yes, that is my main aim.

What made you choose this, rather than <examples>?
I honestly believe that I have fallen in love, once. You must understand that a "crush" is nothing compared to actual "love". F.x. you said that you always wondered why people you knew where getting crushes on teachers, girls at school, etc.. But that was merely because they thought of those women as "attractive" in their taste. They begin to manifest arousal into affection. An emotional attachment is grown, even without so much as speaking to them. Thus, we have what is dubbed, a "crush". I myself had started a bit too early, as my first crush was in kindergarten. But that's an irrelevant story.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a taste for power. Maybe starting a gang, or similar paths. My fashion of power wouldn't be being a CEO or a judge. I would prefer making them do tasks for me. If I say to do this, do it. If I say do that, do it. Not just firing people or sending them to imprisonment or death. That's not enough options. Too many restrictions. I want a place on a throne where my word is law.

Also, describe to me where Love fits into all of this. What are your thoughts on love?
My "dream wife's" personality was made to correspond to what would make me grow an instantaneous, extreme affection. It would be impossible (No, not "virtually impossible" or "extremely difficult", impossible, as in, "Not a chance in Hell") not to grow an emotional attachment to her.

Maybe this will help you on some confusion of what your thoughts are on love:
You know how if you ask some people, "What is love?", they'll say something like "Hell" "Crappy" and otherwise unpleasant things? Well, emotion tends to make things difficult for average people to recognize, explain, and address. "Love" is the strongest emotion of all. Therefore, it is most confusing. Well, where people say that love is hell, they just can't put their finger on (with the exception that they think about it for a long time) the fact that it is rejection, envy, abandonment, betrayal, and mistrust that we hate. Love would be the center of a spider web, for example. You are an ant, and the spider is all the emotions that are unpleasant. Of course the spider will get to you, but you have determination and logic & reasoning to defend yourself with. Unless you don't know how to use your tools, you will be eaten by the spider. But if you are successful in getting to the center, you will always have a sense of great satisfaction, happiness, comfort, and motivation.

Now for you:
Imagine it all: smarts, looks, power and control, wealth, and all the other luxuries you desire. Now imagine all these took on a human form. But just a silhouette. You will always see this form through a thick crowd of passersby, you will always hear them loud and clear, even when they're whispering. But to attain all of what it holds, you must woo it. And keep in mind, even once you do attain it, it has free will. But you trust it, and you never even imagine it leaving you. All you have to do is keep it happy. And you can! You can do this without even trying. You don't even realize you're keeping it happy. Because everything you do is exactly why it stays with you.

Tomorrow follows my response in 'Email Interview: Am I A Psychopath - Part 3'.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Am I A Psychopath? (Interview - Part 1)

The following is the central part of an email exchange I had with a Reader who initially asked me what I thought of the possibility that he might be a Sociopath. As it turned out I did not find him to be a Sociopath (as I define Sociopaths, that is) but a Psychopath, much like myself in many ways one of which happens to be the very same that made me create this website/blog: I wanted to prove to everybody that I was not a psychopath. Something of an ironic coincidence, you might say - but perhaps it isn't such an uncommon reaction for someone when he or she first begin to realize they may be afflicted with a condition that mainstream society and popular culture in general think of as representative of everything nobody could ever want to be.

There are no quotations. I've kept my words aligned to the right while my "Interviewee's" text is aligned to the middle section of the page...

Well, this may be an uphill battle, if you wish to identify me as a psychopath. My goal, however, is to convince myself, as well as prove to others, that I am not a psychopath.

Also, since we last spoke, I have taken LSD again. I'm afraid that one of the effects of LSD is that it can change one's personality. There is no telling how so, or in what way, or even if one's personality will be affected at all. I had no idea of this effect. I only knew that LSD was a hallucinogen. That was it. Needless to say, my psyche has been altered a bit.

Let me go back and update some of the knowledge you have about me. Starting from earliest to latest:

What groups or minorities do you identify with and consider yourself to have a bond with?
Females. I enjoy the company of women rather than men. Not (just) for arousal, but I had realized that women have always been looked down upon. Not only by sociopaths, who are typically misogynists, but males in general. That males have always had that feeling that they were "Superior" to women. They have been objectifying women for a long time, and continue to do it. The males have won, and women have been successfully objectified. This is where a hatred for men came along. Now, I am a misandrist. It's also noteworthy that I am capable of hiding this hatred very well. But even with that, I still don't really enjoy people in general. I enjoy watching people, observing their behavior and learning about each and every individual's psyche. I may enjoy playing around with them. Making them believe things that aren't true, manipulating them into doing things for me. Remember that individual that got this whole conversation started? I had attempted to kill him for his $80 debt? Well, he had asked me for money some time after that, as he has no idea what I had in mind for him. He wanted money for pot, so I agreed, only with the promise that he should follow me to a public area. Once we had arrived, I told him to get down on his knees and bow down to me, until I said "stop". I knew he had nowhere else to go. He was poor, and I had already made myself appear to be gullible. And that he couldn't say why he was bowing down to me to the passersby, because marijuana is illegal. With his mouth metaphorically taped shut, and desperate (weak), I knew the long road of revenge had started. I couldn't help myself but to cackle uncontrollably. Anyway, when all the bliss had ended, and I had caught my breath, I denied him the money. But I knew he was an idiot, and that all I had to do was tell him that drugs are bad. That I was watching out for him, and I proved to him that it was ruining his life by pointing out that he just willingly humiliated himself in exchange for weed. The damned fool would eventually get over his animosity over me, anyway. And that he did!

Zhawq: How do you define honor, and what does it mean to you?
I only live up to "Honoring" for something when it comes to romance. I have to deserve the woman before I can have an intimate relationship with her. Same goes for sex. As far as being honorable for anything else, I still don't care. 

Perhaps you're not socially sadistic, when you use the word 'romantic' it could suggest that you're a sexual sadist?
I always enjoy making people uncomfortable. Mostly through ways that are deemed "creepy" or "awkward". For example, I rubbed one of my acquaintance's bicep and rolled my tongue, to make that "horny purr" sound. As soon as he scooted away, I got closer to him than I initially was and said, "John, baby." in a smooth voice. I do similar things to people I know, like hugging them out of the blue and saying, "I always knew you'd die in my arms.".  As far as physical sadism, well, not as much. In sex, I enjoy choking and biting and pinning down my partner, but I hear that that is not "outlandish" or "odd" at all. In fact, I even have some submissive preferences. Those being the same ones I enjoy doing to others. But I did, however, experiment with my emotions by choking a small dog. The owner of the dog was my aunt. I remember when she was out doing God knows what (she notified me before leaving, but I didn't care enough to listen), that I go on with my task. I walked up to the dog, and it ran towards me, with that tongue hanging stupidly from it's mouth, because it had recognized my scent. I attached it's collar and held it up high (By the way, did you know that dogs make the same choking sound a human makes when being strangled? Very interesting...). I started to empathize with it, so I let it go.

Empathy, you ask? Well, it's a strange feeling. It's as if your control over your breath intake is no longer yours. Also, in a way, I felt like I was being choked too. But enough of that.

I dropped the dog, and started to think about what had just happened. The stupid dog didn't seem to learn, and it went back to huffing and puffing, begging to be loved. As far as my emotions, I noticed something far off. I was remorseless. That's all there was to it. Confused, I picked up the dog again. Immediately, I knew my emotions were less than stable. My empathy had become much more shallow. It was still there, but it just wasn't as strong as it was before. Throughout the whole visit, I continued to choke that damn dog while my aunt's back was turned. Until I had drained out every last drop of empathy left. That dog never seemed to learn it's lesson, though.

Are you socially insecure and tend to avoid situation that might require you to talk or behave in a dominant manner?
Not at all. My sense of inferiority actually seems to have diminished a bit. As far as everyday people, no. I think of them as, well, unimportant. Insects. Me, on the other hand, I'm very aware that I am scum. That I wasn't anything important. It was hell for the first time realizing it, but over time, the emotion seem to have dissipated and now, it only resides in logic. I know that I'm not deserving of life, but I just don't care anymore. you think, 'I'm really unworthy, it's my own fault', or do you think 'those bastards, THEY caused this problem to begin with, I was born for something better'?
I'm impressed. I have to say, I believe it's their fault. The bullying, the racial slurs, etc., I believe that those are the reasons that I am how I am. I could have been normal. As for the romance thing? Well, I'm at a crossroads. On one hand, I don't want to be weak and stupid like those little insects. On the other hand, I want to diminish enough of it to be deserving enough for a domestic life. I'm finding that I continue to grow more and more apathetic about honor, that my concern for it is diminishing. But to be honest, that seems to be more comfortable. Soon I'll reach the culmination of indifference, and I'll be comfortable. At home.

This one covers the entire second paragraph in your latest e-mail:

An old middle-school friend of mine. He was planning on getting the whole class together to just pick on some fat kid. What he was guilty of, I have no idea, even to this day. But what he did was getting the class together, and surround this individual. We were just spectators. The friend was the only one to speak. He said that he bet the fatass that he couldn't do 20 sit-ups. Now, this is where it gets into details. My friend said that gathering up the class would put him on the spot, and pressure the victim into agreeing. This victim was, as you know well, less than fit. My friend bet him the only money he had, which he said he got from dealing, but then again, my friend always tried making himself seem big, even though it was blatant that he wasn't. Well, the victim then put his money down on the desk. He tried doing the push-ups and, of course, failed. That money was put into my friend's pocket. The victim was, of course, humiliated and scammed.

Once school had ended, I asked my friend how he knew tricks like that. That was when I was taught. He planned out many manipulation pointers and told me the correct opportunities. He told me what to say, how to say it, and what to watch for. How to be creative with my environment so I can make "big money". After a while, I learned that I could use it for more than money. As years passed, I figured out that it was dubbed "manipulation". With practice, I became better. I pretended to be ignorant to those around me by using an air of playfulness and naïveté . Very few people know that I'm highly intelligent. I do this because, not only does it build up more shock to those who fell prey to it, but I can't afford to have it done to me as well. It will keep other manipulators from building up a strong, elaborate scheme, because they won't expect me to catch on.

'Email Interview: Am I A Psychopath? - Part 2' will be published tomorrow.