Sunday, March 11, 2012

Apologizing - Reasons & Usefulness.

A Reader writes:
The reason you are supposed to feel bad during an apology is because it reinforces that you truly mean it, and won't repeat the actions of which you are sorry for. When someone is apologized to by someone who regrets and feels bad for their actions, they will read their emotions and see them as adding legitimacy to the apology. Conversely, an apology which is given without any feelings of remorse will seem fake. "How can this person care when they don't even feel bad?"
It's important to realize that the expression of emotion is a form of nonverbal communication, so while you may verbally apologize and mean what you say, to a neurotypical you are communicating that you don't care.

This was true for me when I was a kid. I didn't understand why people didn't believe me because I really put every effort into making it seem hart felt. It was only recently during my research that I realized why I wasn't taken seriously.

However, an adult psychopath is generally perfectly capable of making an apology or any other statement come across as heart felt and honest, in fact often even more so than a neurotypical person. People only begin to disbelieve our sincerity over time when their experience mounts up and they see our actions aren't consistent with what we say. It should be noted that with many psychopaths this will only happen over a very long period, even years.

I have another argument to what you say about emotionality being important. In a certain way I will disagree because as an adult with a strong intellect you shouldn't be so dependent upon your emotions that you can't make a commitment such as giving an apology based on intellectual understanding. I'm aware that it's a controversial statement, and I agree that it's a question about how much or how little. At the end of the day there will have to be at least some kind of emotional recognition that an apology is justified or needed.


Anonymous said...

this is one of the problems i consistently struggle with.

i find the only way around this curve ball of "you don't really care, your just saying that!" is to talk softly, slowly, emphasize the eye contact. Depending on the apology, putting your arm on the shoulder can be beneficial.

The problem I have is the issue of apologizing in the first place.

Why should I even HAVE to apologize in the first place? If i did something its done, set in stone, from the moment its done, life continues to move along. So deal with the fact that something happened, and don't get your panties in a bunch, i say.

Irregardless of what happened, who did it, being upset does not solve anything. And in my personal opinion, if your having an emotional reaction to something I did, and im not feeling the same way, then the issue is sorely on your shoulders, plain and simple. I cannot explain this any clearer.

How can I be expected to care about, what I personally cannot feel?

I have never personally benefited when someone apologized to me, and in fact I was still angry with them even if they apologize. So again, whats the point of apology's and why are they so important?

Just found your blog by the way, and I am extremely impressed. I feel like I am reading my own thoughts, in a sense.

Seeing as there's no one in this world that you can actually talk to on this level, its really nice being able to compare my world view with someone else, and still be able to find similarity, something which I thought to be impossible.

UKan Stan said...

How about you apologise for being away so long *huggles* I missed you soo much.

Anonymous said...

Your section on Aspies versus Psycho's > Blogs = babbling of the masses where nobody knows anything they are talking about. You're all the same. Whether its a fruit or a vegetable, a tomato is an ingredient in a marinara sauce. Lmao.

Do the research (math or whatev Psycho's call it)

Zhawq said...

UKan Stan:

How about you apologise for being away so long *huggles* I missed you soo much.

Hey, it wasn't my fault!!


It's good to be back. '^L^,

Anonymous said...

[Zhawq on Twitter] To say you are a killer if you can't stand killing is like saying "I can't stand drugs but I really want to be a drug addict!". lol

All a matter of YOUR perspective, lmao. You COULD HAVE also CHOSEN to interpret in a positive way such as: ". . . is like saying "I don't like paint, but I really want to be a painter"

All a matter of self-introspection. Why don't I like paint? Maybe the smell gives me a headache, or its messy, or some other reason . . . .) If I can identify why I don't like the paint, and acknowledge its MY problem, perhaps I can put effort into managing the frustration/conflict/distress I experience that causes me to dislike the paint. If I can overcome that challenge, perhaps I can engage in the effort of painting. Thus, it is possible to become a painter. Over time, as I lose focus on my paint sensitivity, I will realize my ability to work at a goal of being a painter.

Perception and willingness to meet goals for oneself. Its all up to ourselves.

You CHOOSE the way you think and then frustrate why you cannot control others thoughts whom perceive in a manner that promotes self-content.

Same 'ole, same 'ole:
- You control ONLY yourself
- If you are not content with yourself, you will never find content in your world.
- YOU control (only) YOUR thoughts
- Thoughts become actions, actions become behaviors, behaviors become habits, habits become reputation, reputation becomes your life AND your legacy.

Go inside Zhawq :)
You are amazing! Its never to late to try something different. You don't have to prove to anybody but yourself your incredible ability to change and find content in this world for YOURSELF and nobody's expense but YOUR own. They are wrong! Believe in YOURSELF! I do?
Its hard, but it IS worth it.
-Love ;)

[You could start by letting go of (some) of your fears as a start (for now). Try not to be afraid to post my blogs. Nothing to fear but fear itself you always say?]

erratique said...

I am very glad you posted something here again, Zhawq. Hello.
People talk about karma. Something made sense to me about the fact that since the brain constantly changes with time, you cannot simply pin all things on cause and effect. Sometimes logic tells me to apologize and do it quick so no bad feelings set in. Sometimes logic tells me it can wait because chances are whatever i did or said wasn't something I want to call attention to and I trust people will forgive with time. Most people,
that is.

Anonymous said...

Reach out for the sheeps and you will have an army of cowards. To truly master the lions, you have to become something more.

Anonymous said...

Do sociopaths/psychopaths show micro expressions ??

Anonymous said...

"Do sociopaths/psychopaths show micro expressions ??"

I find that it's mostly the more experienced ones that learn to train their instincts to the point of micro expressions. Experienced, or gifted. I've only known one other than myself who could pull them off without realizing it most of the time. So yes, it's possible, but rare.

Generic Name Here said...

"Do sociopaths/psychopaths show micro expressions ??"

I find that it's only an ability the experienced have. Or gifted. I've only ever known one other than myself that could do it habitually. So yes, it's possible, but rare in my experience.

Anonymous said...

I disagree. The psychopath has no intuition. They are terrible mind readers and would have no way of knowing whether their apology is being accepted as sincere or not. They have to guess based on their past guesses of observed responses. They fool the gullible maybe, but even what the psychopath perceives as gullible acceptance is often just acting... and bad acting at that. The psychopath has no clue.

That is the thing with psychopathy. The psychopaths I have had experience truly believe they possess a superior intellect and even intelligence. They lack intuition and the ability to reason though. Deception confuses people into believing the psychopath is somehow a genius. This is what the so-called Jewish genius usually is. Deceptive psychopathic rhetoric.

The reality is the psychopath is highly unintelligent as we can see from these writings. Psychopathic brain scans show lack of activity in the cerebrum, especially the frontal lobes. Basically the new areas of the brain that allow normal people to be intelligent conscience beings. Instead they rely on the old brain cerebellum. Amazing they can function via mimicry and fool so many of us.

A brain scan, an interview, and a background check should be required to weed out psychopaths from our society. And I don't mean expulsion.. Too risky for them to plot revenge. I mean extermination of the entire race of psychopaths. Let's face it, you know your are a race. A separate subspecies with a different essence existing in a similar 'vehicle' so to speak. The myths of Norse giants lacking reason or surviving ancient root races of theosophy who also lack reason. These archetypes are references to you people.

My solution is viable and crucial to man's survival and evolution. It is a shame that my people's emotions would get in the way. But as you guys know, manipulating the masses can change perceptions quickly

Ray Jackson said...

Anonymous here above, I think you are far too black and white in the way you see things. Psychopaths have different levels of IQ just as everybody else. Also, they're not a different species which you can see in that there's no such thing as complete psychopathy. Not even the ones who score 40 on PCL-R are complete psychopaths but have varying degrees of ability to understand what;s going on in other people.

"They have to guess based on their past guesses of observed responses."

Honestly, isn't that what everybody do? Most psychopaths spend their whole life observing others so they become very good at reading people even if they can't feel what they feel.

And be honest, you don't feel everything you observe in other people either. None of us do!

I agree with Zhawq, it would be disastrous if we began to exterminate everybody we consider psychopathic. The answer is education so that both normal people and psychopaths understand this condition.

You point to a good source that shows what we call psychopathy today was far more integrated in people's understanding in the past. It's one of the things Zhawq has mentioned too and I agree when he says that's why it wasn't a problem back then the same way that it has become now.

Anonymous said...

Interesting. Even if it is a plausible show, this page should be read if only for the commentaries to your posts. They talked here about extermination. A philosopher of law would tell us that an item without conscience (may we say soul?), anthropomorphic or not, can be blithely terminated by the human hand without commit any sort of moral offense. Trees, psychopaths, livestock. However, the pragmatic mind advise the society against the radical solution, especially in a community founded on the principles of human rights and the rule of law. Rely on a psychiatrist opinion or a brand-new PCL-R to decide an individual ultimate fate seems like taking science as a fresh substitute of theisms.

No. For now we live together, psychopaths, human beings and half-halves. We're not digging common graves or making Soylent Green out of the snakes in suits. For now. But, if you ask me, the only action to take before a psychopath who has already tasted blood is locking the thing up and lose the key... forever.

Anonymous said...

How does gas lighting fit into this?