Friday, July 29, 2011

Psychopath Children. (Part 2)

An allegory: Psychopaths see normal people as a very special, if plentyful, breed of dogs which demand careful treatment due to their very special racial traits that you have to become a dog expert in order to know how to rear correctly, but if we do it right we get unique dogs.

Psychopaths are no different. To normal people we are the special breed of dogs which demand careful treatment. But it is with this as with most in the world: If we learn about it from early on in life dealing with dogs becomes like second nature.
Do we label Pit-bull Terriers as evil? Strange as it may sound, Pit-bulls are outlawed in some countries. Now should we outlaw Pit-bulls altogether? Which breed will we outlaw next? The Rottweiler seems a likely choice. And then ...!? - I think I've proven my point and stretched the allegory all it can take for now.

Being antisocial is not part of our nature, it is something we develop in our experiences and interactions with our surroundings, and it begins early on in life.

So yes, Robert Hare is right when he says psychopaths use what we learn to our own benefit and against the benefit of others, IF we're antisocial and don't have the understanding that I think I can claim I have at present (my nature will never change, that's not what I'm saying. I will always have to fight urges and use extra energy on keeping myself in check, not lie, not abuse, etc., but I have other traits as part of my condition that allows me to change my ways to such an extent which would probably be impossible to non-psychopaths). That the notion that psychopaths should be kept from learning about ourselves and about others should be extended to also mean that we shouldn't learn anything at all right from the beginning will be the greatest mistake that society can possibly make.

I say this as a representative of a group of psychopaths who have in fact been brought up under such conditions, with knowledge about all kinds of things being withheld from me, and I can say right away that if you really want to keep us from learning anything right from the beginning, from we're children, then you have better isolate us completely, especially if we're intellectually gifted. For we WILL learn! There's no way you can avoid it! And our antisocial traits will only become worse with time the more you keep from us! Come to think of it, completely isolated is not far from how I was brought up, and I learned even so. So 'completely isolated' should probably be in the context of a maximum security prison for infants.

As I have said all along, from the start when I first launched the Psychopathic Writings Project: In spite of all the 'bad' things I've done - having been mentally and physically abusive, having broken people down psychologically until a few committed suicide, and even having killed on three occasions - I do not believe I'm a bad person! I did what I did because it was the best I knew how to do at the time and in the situations I was in.

And yes, I do need a lot of stimulation, but this is not being acknowledged, so I must see to it that I get it myself. How can you expect me to acknowledge your needs and your feelings when you do not acknowledge mine? Who are you to say my need for stimulation is worth less than your need for love? Who are you to decide which is better or which works best? The world as it looks at present doesn't bode well for the neurotypical, normal human being, why don't you look at your own flaws and investigate possible uses of those who are different from you? Your arrogance can be your undoing!

The human condition is a spectrum, and psychopaths are human. We are here for a reason, just like the rest of you!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Psychopath Children. (Part 1)

Psychopaths, when we are kids, see people display emotions that we cannot ourselves experience or confirm. But if we attempt to express this, we are met with rejection and denial.

We get punished and shunned when we don't display the same kind of emotions that others do, and the explanations we receive appear to be meaningless and unfounded to us.

To say something like:

"How would you feel if someone hit you? That's why you should not hit other kids!"

...makes no sense to a psychopathic child, but we quickly learn that we have better pretend to understand or else...! This is how we learn that nothing is what it seems and that pretense pays.

How do you propose that a child can understand that this is not how everybody do things when we get praise if we do it well and are punished if we don't?

Add to this that we soon find out that we can use other people's emotions against them, we can often control them and make them do what we want, and we can get what we want by using tactics that others would feel bad about and therefore do not use, because we ourselves feel fine when we do it. All this to us proves that we must be stronger than everybody else, so how come everybody else keep saying we are wrong and that all those who seem to suffer so easily and are so easily controlled are better than us? To a child this doesn't make sense!

But it might make sense if our caretakers understood that there really are different kinds of emotions in different kinds of people and that not everybody have the same ability to feel empathy - or remorse, for that matter (I understand why empathy is a useful emotion to encompass, but I'll probably never understand what is useful about remorse). Not having the ability to feel empathy has nothing to do with being evil, it is a neuro-psychological predisposition that the child - or the adult - has no saying in. We are born that way, and we cannot choose to learn how empathy feels.

Let's for the sake of getting my idea across say that psychopaths are like computers and normal peeople are like dogs. Psychopaths can not choose to learn how empathy and loyalty feels anymore than even the most sophisticated computer can learn to understand poetry from an emotional perspective. It doesn't mean computers aren't useful, they're useful but in different ways than f.x. dogs who have deep instinct for loyalty and will generally be willing to die for their 'tribe'. Normal people didn't choose to be born with an instinct for loyalty and cannot choose to not feel it anymore than a dog can choose to not have empathy for their group or have loyalty for their group's alpha dog. But abuse a dog or try to program for the wrong operating system, or download a file with a trojan horse to your computer, and both the dog and the computer will become dysfunctional.

There are programs so rare hardly anybody know they exist, but are they evil because they aren't compatible with Windows?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Let Psychopaths Provide Psychopathy Information! (Part 1)

There will never be anybody more qualified to provide information about Psychopaths and Psychopathy than  psychopaths.

Psychopaths, because they have both the knowledge and the personal experience with psychopathy. Obviously not any psychopathic individual can fill such a position, of course, but psychopaths would who have more than the intellectual education and the knowledge gained from studying psychopaths and/or worked with people who know or live with a psychopathic individual, i.e. have a psychopathic family member, boss or employee, etc.

Whereas the psychopath's understanding of what it means to be human in the common sense of the word is largely cognitive, so is the understanding scholars have of us. We are, when it comes to the minority called Psychopaths, the only ones who have that extra specialized knowledge about ourselves, the kind that only can come from experiencing and living that, which we study, from witnessing the subject from the inside, so to speak, and which is always at the very center of the highest kind of expertise, representatives of that very expertise... or we are the only ones who have the potential to be so.

Schooling and education is one side of expertise, and a necessary one, but the other side is the experience of those who live their subject of expertise simply cannot be over estimated. These are the two sides which together make the most complete kind of expertise that can possibly be.It is an element of scientific research which I think has been misunderstood greatly, especially so when talk falls on the psychopath's position in all of this - which so far it rarely, if ever, has. Dr. Robert Hare has said on many occasions that psychopaths, if educated, will use their knowledge against others. And it is mostly true, but he forgets that this statement refers to psychopaths who have already lived through a life of alienation - a position that is known to create antisocial dispositions in many minorities, not only in psychopaths - and who were incarcerated at the time when they were being studied.

Another thing to consider is that it has been confirmed that the background of most psychopaths who become highly antisocial - or criminal - as adults is often characterized by childhood neglect and/or abuse. So - though in my understanding alienation is by far the main factor in respect to psychopaths becoming antisocial and criminal - I think it is apparent that psychopaths, though our character traits are primarily genetic, are susceptible to circumstances and treatment during upbringing, and the extent to which we become antisocial is influenced by it.

.....

Read
'Let Psychopaths Provide Psychopathy Information. (Part 2)'  Here. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Is Anders Behring Breivik A Psychopath?


Is Anders Behring Breivik a Psychopath?

That is one of two questions from a Reader, but in order to even make a guess I had to know more about Breivik...

On July 22.nd Norway capital Oslo was bombed by Anders Behring Breivik who was arrested when the police arrived after an hour during which he shot a number of people.
The incident was in the World News yesterday where I found some Information after a Scandinavian Reader had send me a link to a Youtube Video that Breivik had uploaded to Youtube prior to his bombing act and told me that Breivik had written a 1500 pages long European Resistance Manifesto.

But Youtube had removed Breivik's Video, but I eventually found this one video that hadn't been taken off the net. I did try to find a way to download it, but a download feature isn't implemented at the website. They do have a comment board, so I left a comment telling them they were apparently the only source to this video at that time and added that other websites, Youtube being one of them, had taken the video off the net, and it turned out to trigger quite a few responses from other people who share my aversion against withholding knowledge in general, and against withholding important information especially.

From the what I've gathered about Anders Breivik, he does not appear to be a psychopath. He does seem to have some Sociopathic traits, however, but it should be noted that without knowing how he behaves in daily life I can't give any final statement. Maybe more information will be available with time.

Do Psychopaths have a Manifesto?

No, not a unified one anyway. Psychopaths have no sense of unity, not as a minority and with other psychopaths, nor with other people who are not psychopaths. We are loners, but not in the sense that we keep to ourselves for we tend to be very outgoing and like socializing fine. There is no ideology that keeps us together though we do tend to have a somewhat Machiavellian-type kind of mind set.
The reason for this is not one but a combination of many factors that have to do with our personality characteristics on one hand, and with the way we interact with our surroundings and in society - or the way that society interacts with us - on the other. The latter is important, because I believe it carries a lot of the blame for the antisocial tendencies in psychopathic individuals as we see it in our society in present day.

Of course this is not to say that individual psychopaths cannot create their own manifesto for whichever cause they find themselves attracted to. It happens, but so does it happen for people of any and most of all other kinds and varieties of personality types, with and without disorders.

Anders Behring Breivik appears to be at least leaning towards a kind of neo-Nazism, but from his way of writing I do not think he is alone nor a leader in his "movement", and leadership will generally be the only thing that can keep a psychopath in a organization based on willingness to commit and work for the group. It would also seem that Breivik is a Freemason, but so are many other people. It doesn't say much except for as a detail in the whole picture, and as such this too does not seem very psychopath-like, but could well be sociopath-like. Psychopaths can be free masons or be members of other types of ideology based groups too, but not with the conviction and selflessness that I sense from Breivik in relation to the cause of Nationalism.

Friday, July 22, 2011

When You're A Diagnosed Psychopath.


A Reader asks:
Some times you write as if you're angry about being diagnosed as a psychopath. I would like to ask you:
Why do you want so badly to escape your diagnosis? Do you not want to be a psychopath, or to be "that person", the psychopath that you are?  ~Siyah.
The reason I wanted to escape the diagnosis was one thing only: Being a Diagnosed Psychopath gives me a very bad name.

All police precincts, FBI, Interpol, even CIA, have extensive databases where all people who have the psychopathy diagnosis are listed, and they keep track of us in ways that they don't do with normal people. Furthermore, because I have a criminal record and have been to prison, it figures in that regard as well.
Should I ever get into prison again, or be accused of having done a crime, they will assume I did it simply because of my diagnosis. And worst of all: Psychopaths get the hardest sentences a person can get, and in many states and countries we never get parole because they assume we'll go right out and repeat the crime or commit a new one. It's called High Recidivism.

We also can't get a good job, because the good businesses have access to the files where our names are listed. So you see, there're many, many issues associated with having an official psychopathy diagnosis. Strange as it may seem, there is no official psychopathy diagnosis, but there're a number of diagnoses which in combination means the same thing. And yet, nobody have made any effort at hiding from me the fact that they think I am a psychopath, and my diagnosis means I'm a psychopath despite the use of different terminology.

More over, there will be included a more specified psychopathy diagnosis will be included in the DSM-V which is under construction and will be released in 2013. And once that happens my diagnosis will be re-evaluated. I can't avoid it because I am bound by contract to participate on an ongoing basis in a psychopathy research project. Agreeing with this was the only thing that enabled me to be released on parole.

Personally I don't mind being what I am. I like what I, am and how I am, and I've never thought I'm a bad person. Quite the contrary, I think I'm a lot better than probably most people are. Just an example: Many people are hypocrites, but I've never understood why anybody would feel the need to seem like something they're not just because of some moral issue.
When I want to seem like a non-psychopath it is only because I know most people don't understand what a psychopath is, and they think we're just bad, they're biased and will not give a person a chance if they know s/he is a psychopath, or just that s/he is diagnosed as a psychopath. That's another thing I never understood: The blind belief in authority. Everything is okay if an authority said so, that's how most people think, even if they say they don't.

Sure, we psychopaths are bad... also. But there is so much more to a person than having done a few bad things. Okay, I've done many bad things, but that's got a lot to do with circumstances in my life. This is another issue with being a diagnosed psychopath: Any circumstantial facts that may have influenced your decisions and actions in a situation, or throughout your life, don't count. It is all your fault, only you being a psychopath is acknowledged as a reason for any wrong doings on your part.

It almost seems as if people believe that being a psychopath is something you choose yourself too.

When you're a psychopath, those who rule and decide what's right and wrong, good and bad, do not believe we can have bad luck or be unfortunate. They actually believe it is always because we're bad when things go badly and we do bad things.

The real issue in my opinion is one that I have addressed from time to time: Society only operates from the perspective of what is normal... That is, they have taken into account that 'some' people are different in ways the couldn't have chosen to be, and society have taken some - if not exactly enough - measures to compensate for some of the differences.

Examples of this are the physically handicapped, the intellectually challenged, and - in most of the world, but not in all European states, f.x. -  it can also include minorities who have advantages, such as in the cases where special opportunities for intellectually gifted children are given.
Some of the newer progress in this respect deals with a small number of 'disordered' or 'challenged' minorities. I can think of a few like f.x. people and kids who have ADHD, and people with Asperger's Syndrome.

Especially the latter is significant because people with Asperger's are considered 'Empathy Challenged', like psychopaths are. There're other minorities who share the 'empathy challenged' trait, like f.x. with Schizoid Personality Disorder, but I don't know if any measures are taken to support these. Most of the other minorities are significantly different from psychopaths in certain ways the main part of which give them social and personal problems that are easily observable by others, at least in regard to the social aspects of their problems.

And the main element in how normative society decides whether or not they 'like' or 'accept' and want to "help" a certain group of people depends, as I see it, upon how easily observable the differences are. The disabled or challenged minorities that society helps and accepts are the ones that normal people can relatively easily recognize that the individual is different, and how.

This aspect more than anything is what normal people dislike so much about psychopaths: We are not easily recognizable! And we're not generally handicapped or in need of official assistance!...

Sure, some of our traits can often be observed from an early age, but we learn and adapt. Like intellectually gifted people our differences from the norm are in many ways very strong and empowering differences. But we don't receive the understanding nor the recognition that the other minorities receive, and to me that makes it understandable that so many of us develop antisocial attitudes.

I will say more about this in an upcoming article...


Monday, July 18, 2011

Psychopathic Writings Update. (Part 1)

When I created Psychopathic Writings I hoped to be able to provide some valuable information about psychopathy both in the more general terms and in specific areas that aren't very well covered on the Web and elsewhere. I thought I knew pretty much what I got myself into, but as always when you do something that you've never done before and have no prior experience with doing, and especially when it is also something nobody else have done before, surprises will be part of the experience. And indeed they have.

I've had plenty of surprises, some which have been challenging to say the least, but also some that have been positive in ways I couldn't have anticipated and certainly wouldn't have dared hope for.

I early on realized that writing about a subject which since early on in my life has played such an important and central role would bring along some personal changes. It can't be avoided when you begin to research, re-think, and re-live a subject such as a personality diagnosis from every possible angle on a daily basis, and receiving feedback has generated a lot of change in how I see many things around my life, myself and the people and society around me.

I have had what I could call a change of heart since the beginning. Thus, when I first started writing back in January and February, my goal was to prove my diagnosis was completely misplaced, that I wasn't a psychopath and that those who have assessed and diagnosed, and re-diagnosed, me over the years were prejudiced and misinformed, they didn't understand me at all and merely gave me the psychopath label because they wouldn't admit they hadn't found anything wrong with me but they pride demanded they put some kind of label on me.

In those early weeks I went through my third assessment, this time I sought to have it done myself and found a private clinical psychiatrist who conducted the assessment individually and without any help from the legal system, and I payed for the whole thing myself! It wasn't cheap, because he had to dig up all my past history and go arrange for all the tests and scans anew, but I payed gladly because I was absolutely convinced the result would be that my diagnosis was officially recanted.

I was so sure, that I placed comments in which I stated this had already happened! - I did it only three times in total, but even so it was the silliest thing I've done since I began participating on forums and websites on the Internet. The posts are still there, I can't delete them because I placed them anonymously... but made sure to sign them, so those who see them know it was me who wrote them. *sigh*

But as everybody can see by the way I talk about psychopathy in regard to myself, my diagnosis was not recanted. Instead the old verdict was confirmed for the third time!

I'll continue this charming piece of personal history in Part 2.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Morbid Curiosity or Natural Interest?


When a psychopath, who is otherwise always thought of as uncaring for people or for how they function, shows interest in and fascination with how the human body is structured - well, how every creature is structured, really - inside and out, I think it ought to be taken as a positive sign.

I personally think this is one of the most natural kinds of interests that a person can have and have always thought it to be at least part of the motivation when someone decides to become a surgeon, or any kind of physician.


But it is seen as strange and even morbid... Why is that?

I remember already as a kid that I didn't understand why everybody - even adults - when they were going to hospital to have surgery done, would say: "I'm glad I'll be under anesthesia, so I won't have to see them cut in me!"

'Not see them cut in you!... But you'll miss all the most interesting part of it!! If it was me I'd WANT to be awake so I could see as much as possible!'

It's been one of my ongoing frustrations when I've had surgery that I can't get to see the whole thing.
Two years ago, shortly after I'd been released from prison, I learned for the first time that now it is possible to do surgery while the patient is fully awake.
I watched a movie where such a surgery procedure was filmed through the first two minutes, and the patient was awake alright, but he had a large shield placed across his upper chest so that he couldn't see what was going on, and it just seemed so absurd to me. He was being cheated!

I've had surgery done on a number of occasions, and also some diagnostic procedures involving techniques to look inside my body. And every single time it has been a frustrating battle between me and the doctors, because I want to see what they're doing, but the doctors can't seem to wound their minds around the fact that I really would be pleased with getting to watch everything.
Numerous times have I had to somehow 'cheat' my way into getting to see what goes on. Often it means I have to writhe myself into an impossible position, like f.x. when something as innocent as an ultrasound scan is being done. They place the monitor so that it faces away from the patient, and often it doesn't even seem to be very practical for how the doctor has to be positioned either. Even so they put a lot of effort into not letting me see anything.

Okay, I've sensed at times it's not only a misunderstood attempt to be considerate, it also seems in some cases as if they think I'm trying to steal my way into seeing how they do things, and I'm just not supposed to know because I don't have a doctor's degree - or something like that. I don't claim to understand completely, and I don't think they do either. But there has been some weird protective streak in their behavior - protective towards 'their' work, not to my feelings or safety.

Anyway, I wish there would be a common procedure that allowed a patient to decide up front if s/he wants to follow and see everything that happens, or perhaps wants to get it filmed so they can take a DVD home with them as a memory token.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This Psychopath is The World´s Greatest Sinner!



I've been having a conversation with Christ (via his representative, one of our Readers). And I've been trying do hard to show... no, to prove how good I am, what a sweet, sweet and very nice, humble and likable person I am. But I've come to the conclusion that he's probably not gonna buy it.

Christ already told his Representative that I'm bad, and there's nothing I can do to change it. So since I am not able to publish a genuine article today anyway, I might as well take the opportunity to be brave for once. I mean, really, really brave!

That's right, I'm going to be brave and tell the truth, once and for all. And it's not what you think, fellas, nope, I'm not the nicest and sweetest person you ever met, I wish I was, and I've been working hard at making myself look like I'm the sweetest and nicest person on earth. But...

The truth is: I'm the World's Greatest Sinner!...

Yep, that's right, plain and simple. I'm the greatest sinner in the world! - But I have to go, I'm running out of time here because I have a meeting with Obama or some other very important person in an hour, so I called for a little help on this here slightly embarrassing affair. I called Frank Zappa and asked him to tell Christ Representative the truth on my behalf.

And of course he said 'Yes! Sure thing, pal, I'm flying over right away!'

'Do you wanna borrow my plane while I sing the truth for the world to hear? I think Obama is waiting for you, and he's thirsty but won't start drinking until you've arrived!'

'Ahh thank you, so much, Frank! You're a pal! And thanks for singing the truth for me, while I got and drink my brains out for the evening with Obama. I really need it, because it would break my heart to even whisper the words "I'm the world's greatest sinner!", for really, all I want is to be good!'

'I know, my friend!', Frank Zappa said.

'You do? You mean it? You know I want to be good?'

'You are what you is!', Frank replied.

'No I'm not,' I said. 'IT' is what it is!... Or what it was... or... what it isn't, yes, that's it... no? Oh well, go and read Christ Representative's post, it's right there! Or that become right where... or something!'...

And then I left. I owe Frank Zappa for telling the truth!... Enjoy!

.....

Anon, Christ Representative, here's another link to a great piece of music. It clarifies the deep wisdom of the words 'It is what is!', though slightly rephrased.

And you do know I'm just having good hearted fun, yes? Don't take any of this serious. What you may take serious is in the post replies at the comment board!...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Reactions on The Internet: Sociopaths.

In the two first articles I described the reactions towards me as a psychopath, on the Internet from normal people and from other psychopaths as I have observed them. In this article I will describe the reactions from sociopathic people.

Sociopaths will often be slightly less forward coming at first than both neurotypical (normal) people and psychopaths, but after a while they often mistake me for being one of them. This is understandable because our two minorities have a lot in common in terms of outward behavior, at least in the more superficial sense.

Many socipaths are both intelligent and cautious people, so they don't jump straight into befriending me or straight out challenging me. They will sometimes - with caution - show me with little signs here and there that they're open for a friendly exchange, and that can work really great for as long as I decide to stick with what I know is "okay" and am alert to the specific 'moral code' of the individual person. Sociopaths usually have strong moral codes, but they don't necessarily follow some code made by a group, many have their very personal code of honor and sense of 'right and wrong', and if they're intelligent there's great logic to the way they think.

It isn't until talk falls upon certain topics that have emotional or moral value to them that the profound differences between sociopathy and psychopathy becomes evident and they see I'm not "one of the guys". When they realize I'm not like them they'll usually resend me for not having moral standards, for having no "pride", no "line beyond which one should never go", it depends on where their individual lines lie, but some topics tend to be persistent like f.x. 'Raping and/or molesting children is NOT okay!'.

Some may still retain a certain respect or "goodwill" and will debate with me, whereas others may cut me completely off or even leave the forum when I'm present.

In the cases where I've told I'm a psychopath they may think I'm trying to make a prank, or they'll think I'm trying to pose as a 'tuff dude", but they'll generally conclude I'm like them. Few sociopaths have the curiosity or sense of "awe" or slight fear that neurotypicals and most other minorities have, and if they don't know about the clinical neuro-psychological differences between our two groups they'll not really see any particular difference - with the exception of the absence of moral codex that I will display with time.

There's another minor difference that I've noticed from time to time: Many sociopaths have their ability to create attachments to a few beings intact, an ability that includes animals. Thus I have often debated with sociopaths who have told me about their cat or their dog and said f.x. "I'd do anything for my dog!". If I happen to tell about one of my youthful follies with being not very nice to a few animals, that can turn an otherwise very tough, hardened criminal against me, and it doesn't matter if I afterwards tell them it only happened very, very few times.

Whether or not I befriend a sociopath, they'll usually take my being a psychopaths as something that doesn't give reason for any special excitement - or treatment.
Where other psychopaths usually do not comment at all, or sometimes decide to test me, the sociopaths are the ones who are most likely to just take me being a psychopath for what it is: Me being a psychopath and just another guy who happened to stop by.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Psychopath vs Normal: Being Startled. (Part 3)

In Part 2 I mentioned having witnessed car crashes a couple of times. I'll tell you about my first experience of this nature. The very first time it happened was when I was 19 yrs old, I remember it clearly. A car had driven off the street and into a building in the middle of town just as I was walking by. There were two people in the car, both soldiers, and the one at the passenger seat opened the door and came out, looking slightly dazed and confused. A crowd was gathering quickly, standing around us in a tight ring. But nobody made a move to come closer and investigate., so I decided to do it myself.

I went over to the driver's seat and pulled the unconscious guy out, softly placing him on the ground. I loosened his collar and positioned him at his side, using his cap as a pillow, and kept talking to the other guy who was still standing at the rear of the car and making no move to help. He didn't answer me, so I took the unconscious guy's pulse which was weak but not absent.

I then looked over the people in the crowd and chose a young teenage boy who looked alert and intelligent. I waved him over and then told him to go and call 911 and make sure they send an ambulance and some paramedics and told him to remember street address too. Then I send him on his way, but I actually had to tell the crowd to make room for him so he could go and make the call.

Then the unconscious soldier suddenly went into seizure. I had no way of knowing if he was epileptic, so I once again tried to get some information from his pal. I eventually managed to get him to tell me their names and where they were stationed. At that point I heard the sirens in the distance, so I motioned for the crowd to make room for the ambulance. They didn't move at first, I had to walk over and tell them directly to give way, and then I had to almost shove them apart to make a path for the ambulance to get through. As the ambulance pulled slowly through the crowd I told the conscious soldier to tell the paramedics what he had told me. He nodded, and that was it. I retreated back and away from the scene, made my way through the crowd and left.

Did I feel 'jaggedy, prickly, and jangly'? No. Did I feel weak? Hell no, I felt slightly empowered. I wouldn't say it was exciting - it takes a bit more than that to get excited - but it was slightly refreshing, and I liked to be in control and to lead and to do it well.

What has always seemed strange to me is the way people become very slow, as if they get transfixed by the exciting scene that unfolds. It's as if they can't pull themselves away from it, they want it to continue, but they apparently can also not kick themselves into action even when it must be obvious also to them that action is needed.

At the time I was sure they'd all be having excited conversations in the days to come, being the center of attention as they described what they had witnessed.

But with the description by Ronson above, and other descriptions by neuro-psychologists that suggests some of the same, I am no longer quite as certain that most people feel exhilarated in the same way that I do when something really extreme and dangerous happen in front of me. And it obviously takes a lot less to make an impact upon neurotypical people than it does with me - which is something I think to be a benefit and an asset if it gets acknowledged and I am allowed to use it "correct".

The human psyche and neurological reactive patterns are certainly more varied than I had ever thought. And to me it is a wondrous thing, it makes the world much more interesting and much more full of potential for new and great things and ways in the future.

*

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Psychopath vs Normal: Being Startled. (Part 2)

After writing in Part 1 about how surprised I was to read Ronson's description of an allegedly very common physical response that followed after he had been startled (by a picture!), two pages further into the chapter there was another description relating to the same kind of emotional experience. An hour or so after the first event, at the end of the three day long "Psychopath-Spotting-course", Ronson describes how he and Robert Hare were heading towards his car:
[Hare] saw it before I did. A car was upside down. The driver was still in his seat. He was just sitting there, as if good-naturedly waiting for someone to come and turn him right way up again so he could continue on his journey. ... I realized he wasn't conscious.
A little later they're sitting in the car:

'Jon?' said Bob, after a moment.
'Mn?' I said.
'Your driving,' said Bob.
'What about my driving?' I said.
'You're swerving all over the road,' said Bob.
'No I'm not,' I said. We continued in silence for a moment. 'It's the shock of seeing the crash,' I said.
... Bob said what was happening was my amygdala and central nervous system were shooting signals of fear and distress up and down to each other.
'They certainly are,' I nodded. 'I can actually feel it happening. It's very jarring and jaggedy.'

I guess my jaw dropped once again, but this time I became suspicious: "C'mon, this is just not very believable!" I thought. "Are you playing a trick on your poor readers, Mr. Ronson?" I half smiled. But the truth is I really don't know what to believe anymore... 'Jarring' and 'jaggedy, jangly, prickly, weak' and 'debilitated'? And those are all because of seeing something, not being in danger, not being at risk in any way, just watching a picture and then an unusual scene from a distance.

With the description by Ronson above, and other descriptions by neuro-psychologists that suggests some of the same things, I am no longer quite as certain that most people feel exhilerated in the same way that I always do when something really extreme and dangerous happen in front of me.

The human psyche and neurological reactive patterns are certainly more varied than I had ever thought. And to me it is a wondrous thing, it makes the world much more interesting and much more full of potential for new and great things and ways in the future.

If my personality type was to become the norm I would do everything in my power to make sure that those, who we now call neurotypical and normal because they are in majority, would never be stigmatized the way that my kind, the so called psychopaths, are. The normal may not be very effective in situations where effective and immediate action is required, and they may have problems with their emotions and the way they often are ruled completely by what they 'feel' rather than by intellectual logic, but the world would be a less interesting place without them. They're here for a reason, and everybody have something they can give the world, just don't let the mediocre rule and decide what is good and right, for they're clearly not equipped for this task!

...I've witnessed car crashes a couple of times in my life. On two occasions I was very close to the scene and saw everything right in front of me. - More about that in Part 3...
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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Psychopath vs Normal: Being Startled. (Part 1)

Maybe the following quote represents one of the pieces in the puzzle about normal humans and their emotions which I, as a psychopath, have missed.

Journalist and author Jon Ronson here describes how he experienced the physical reaction to a shock, a reaction which - according to Robert Hare, professor in clinical psychology - is quite common and normal. I had to bring it here because it's been in my thoughts since I read it about a week ago, and I still wonder if it really is normal, if this really is how most people react in situations like the one in this description...

On the last [day] Bob [Hare] surprised [the workshop attenders] by unexpectedly flashing onto the screen a large-scale, close-up photograph of a man who'd been shot in the face at very close range. This came after he'd lulled us into a false sense of security by flashing photographs of ducks on pretty lakes and summer days in the park. But in this picture, gore and gristle bubbled everywhere. The man's eyes had bulged all the way out of their sockets. His nose was gone.
'Oh GOD,' I thought.
An instant later my body responded to the shock by feeling prickly and jangly and weak and debilitated. This sensation, Bob said, was a result of our amygdalae and our central nervous system shooting signals of distress up and down to each other. It's the feeling we get when we're suddenly startled -- like when a figure jumps out at us in the dark -- or when we realize we've done something terrible, the feeling of fear and guilt and remorse, the physical manifestation of our conscience.

The quote is taken from Jon Ronson's book 'The Psychopath Test' which I have written about in an earlier article. It describes an event that Ronson experienced during a 3-day workshop about psychopaths lead by Robert Hare. And I just have to say his description really, really surprised me. I have never imagined or thought that anyone could react physically after being startled, and so strongly at that.

The situation in relation to which he had this reaction makes the whole thing even more strange. There was no outside factor at all, only a picture! One picture, and it startled him because it was unexpected after a series of cosy park scenery!? He doesn't say if it was accompanied by a loud sound, which would've made it more likely that he got startled so much, but the physical reaction is still unusual in my experience. I've never had any experience like it, ever.

When I get startled I sometimes feel a sudden tuck at the spot called Solar Plexus (it's right under the point where your ribs meet above your stomach), but it subsides immediately afterwards. The closest to an after reaction I've ever experienced is a quick notion of anger at the intrusion that being startled feels like. But real physical reactions when being startled? And afterwards? No, nothing like that.

So when I read this passage, it made my jaw drop, for a while I just sat there. Can this be true? Do people really feel this way? If they do, is it normal, or do only some, maybe just a few, people feel like that when they've been startled?

Maybe my Readers can fill me in on this topic? Do any of you recognize Ronson's description? Is this the description you associate with being startled?
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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Reactions on The Internet: Other Psychopaths.

I wrote about the reactions I have received from normal (neurotypical) people on the Internet when I told that I am a diagnosed psychopath. Today I will describe how Other psychopaths react.

Other psychopaths usually recognize me as easily as I recognize them. Depending on the topic and what viewpoint and approach each of us decide to take, it can happen fairly quickly, or it can take a little longer.

I've never had any confrontations with other psychopaths, though both they and I have once in a while made half hearted attempts to provoke a confrontation. But never leads anywhere, we know our own ways too well and simply do not react to provokations.

In forums for and about 'AsPD' or 'sociopathy' psychopaths who participate usually know very well what they are, and they know the definitions just as well as I do.
There is no sense of 'cammeraderie' between psychopaths, not on the Internet and not off the Internet. We don't exchange supportive words of mutual understanding, as is so common for f.x. sociopaths but also for many other groups of people. We mostly go about our business as usual and do not attempt to converse each other. And the reason for this is we know - explicitly or "instinctively" - that we don't have anything to give to each other...

What psychopaths want, and what psychopaths seek, is something other psychopaths simply cannot provide. They are things we can only get from people who are not like us. In that way we're an unusual minority, and this is a trait about us which is very likely the reason why there're no forums or organisations where psychopaths gather, we have no common goal or sense of community and we rarely enjoy each other's company.

That is not to say that psychopaths cannot join in a common effort to achieve some short term goal. Even on forums can it sometimes happen that two of us form a temporary alliance, but it lasts only until that very immediate goal is reached. And when it happens we don't have to say anything to each other, we know pretty much what the other one thinks and what they will do (largely speaking).

I described in Part 1 that normal people sometimes would think that I couldn't possibly be a psychopath, which was usually because they didn't think I fit the description of what most people think a psychopath is. When I meet other psychopaths they sometimes test me, pretending to disbelieve my word when I say I have the diagnosis, and there have been those who actually didn't believe it simply because they had the very same prejudice that so many others have, and which I too used to have, but mostly it is based on a form of suspicion toward my motives because it truly is very rare that someone with my personality, my condition, will step forward and do what I am doing.


It is like a hitman who gives up all his weapons and ammunition knowing full well that it means he'll be executed immediately afterwards.

And it is a very understandable way of reasoning because 99.9% of the time that is really what will happen if you are open about being a psychopath (or being diagnosed as one)! However, I have my reasons, and I believe what I'm doing will eventually turn out to be a good thing, hopefully in more ways than one.

On a second note: What I do may be rare, but there have always been exceptions to the rule about not going public about being what I (apparently) am, just as there have always been criminals and outlaws who made a public name as criminals. I've no doubt that some, if not many, of them were psychopaths too. Al Capone, the infamous Chicago crime boss of the 1920s, f.x., was such a criminal, and from the little I know about him he may very well have been a psychopath, and if not a psychopath, then he most certainly was a sociopath. Jack Abbot, author and murder convict in the late 1970s was clearly a psychopath. And then we have the current equivalent in Israeli author Sam Vaknin, who doesn't have a known criminal past (to my knowledge), but who was filmed on location when he was diagnosed as a psychopath.

My conclusion has to be that yes, going public with something that will give the individual a stigmatizing label and be likely to render you notorious instead of famous, isn't common, but it is not unheard of either. There have always been a few who, out of the less trodden paths, choose an even lesser and more rarely trodden path, and I am such a person.

Hang on for the next article about how people react to someone who openly talks about being a diagnosed psychopath...
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Monday, July 4, 2011

The Beauty of Independence!

Today is Independence Day in the United States. What does being independent mean to a psychopath?

The idea of being independent is a central concept in Western culture, and nowhere is it more apparent than in the mythology that surrounds the outlaw, the criminal rebel. We all know the Gunslinger and Outlaws in old (and new) Western movies. Independence was also a central theme in the Counterculture movement of the 1960s.

And it seems that the modern definition of the psychopath is intricately connected with the idea of Independence. It is not for nothing that some experts calls us Rebels without a Cause.

But what does independency mean to the psychopaths themselves? What does it mean to me?

First of all it should be said that whereas the idea of independence is indeed associated with being antisocial, this has most meaning for those who do not have a genetically inherent flat affect, and that means all of the antisocial minorities... except the psychopaths.

Being independent to me means that I can do as I like, I do not have anybody to answer to, I don't owe anybody my loyalty, my love or my compassion, it simply means I don't have any responsibilities.

Perhaps this is why I've always been very, very good at this.
I know how it is to be independent, because I've always been independent, though I think perhaps that most people would not appreciate being quite as independent as I am, because it involves being 'independent' from certain emotions too - and, according to the professionals and my tests & brain scans results, it involves so called 'shallow affect' as well, which means the emotions I do have supposedly are "vague" and not very pronounced. That is why they say we (psychopaths) have both few, and shallow emotions. - I'm not sure I agree (I don't, not in my own case), but that's a subject for another article.

I guess it is one of the many funny and very contradictory aspects that seem to be one of the central phenomena in psychopathy: That we can be the very thing that other associate with one of the fundamental concepts of our culture, and yet we don't have any real connection with this very aspect of what we indirectly represent.

I think I can say that being independent is my natural position in life. As an idea I understand and embrace it, like I can understand and embrace ideas such as sympathy, friendliness, loyalty and being supportive or helping. But I do not have the emotional attachment to the idea of independence itself, or to the holiday, nor do I have any emotional attachment to how I spend and celebrate the holiday or with whom I spend and celebrate it, I don't have any emotional attachment to whether I celebrate it at all. The holiday, and the concept of Independence as such, are to me emotional only in the cognitive sense, like f.x. relief.

But don't get me wrong, I do like the idea of the holiday, and it is so absolutely a very nice experience.

I wish you all a Happy Independence Day... every Day!... '^L^,


The beauty of independence, departure,
actions that rely on themselves.
Walt Whitman
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Sunday, July 3, 2011

Reactions on The Internet: Normal People.

I looked a bit into the topic of Internet Behavior Psychology and became interested in finding out how people on the Internet would react to me if I told them that I'm a diagnosed psychopath, so I set out to get the answer. And I found that there are certain kinds of reactions that are repeated.

I grouped them in 4 categories, one of which consists of the 'normal' majority of people including minorities that are not Antisocial, and the remaining three groups which consist of the main 3 Minorities of Antisocial Personality Types or Disorders, according to the general consensus among professionals in the fields of neuro-psychology science and research, as it corresponds with my personal understanding and knowledge. I have chosen to alter some of the official phrasing of terms only for as far as it does not obscure or mislead the meaning thereof.

The 4 groups are:

  • Neurotypical (normal) people.
  • Psychopaths ie. Other psychopaths.
  • Sociopaths.
  • AsPD'ers (Antisocial Personality "Disordered").


There are a number of other minorities (Schizoid Personality, BPD/Borderline Personality, ASP/Asperger's Syndrome or HFA/High Functioning Autism) which can at times overlap with all 4 personality types as co-morbid conditions. My knowledge about the three conditions mentioned in paranthesis at present - though I can give advice on a personal basis - is not extensive enough for me to give statements or comments where these are concerned in this article series.

People from the four groups tend to have different - sometimes very obviously very different - kinds of reactions toward me when they and I interact on Internet forums or message boards. I will describe them as I've experienced them, and why don't I begin with the largest group, the one everybody are sure to know better than any other - and sometimes even better than oneself. The...


Neurotypical (normal) people.

Neurotypical people usually in the beginning assume that I am a neurotypical person too, but they quickly sense I'm somehow unusual and different from others. This is normal, of course; to expect me to be neurotypical (normal) at first, even at a forum about, and for, antisocials, is quite understandable. After all, the vast majority of people we meet anywhere, on the Internet or elsewhere, are normal, neurotypical people.
On a side note: The number of those we consider 'normal', but who really linger at the border between 'normal' and slightly disordered or 'neurotic', is probably much higher than anyone imagines. My personal experience as someone who has a natural and well developed skill at spotting subtle differences in the behaviors of people - in the virtual sense and otherwise - has lead me to this conclusion (It's a skill that I share with most other psychopathic people, so I'm not special as such in that regard). Of the official antisocial disorders AsPD is the only category that I consider an actual disorder (I'll get more into that in an upcoming article).

Neurotypical people very often quickly notice that I have a different style and approach in my debating than other participants. And I'm virtually always the only active psychopathic individual in the debates (with one exception. More on that in a coming article.). They notice that I have a more 'objective' view on the topics being debated and that I tend to express myself with authority - something I do only when I know the subject well, or when I have an opinion I can back up if challenged - and that I keep a polite approach toward topics and other debaters that I haven't formed an opinion of yet. Because of this they will generally have a lot of respect for me, at least when they don't know about my diagnosis, but often also after they learn about it. Som neurotypicals, when they find out that I'm supposedly a psychopath, find it hard to believe that this is really true. They usually soon realize I've told them the truth, though, and that I am indeed a diagnosed psychopath - or a person who has been diagnosed as one.
Of all the groups the neurotypicals seem to be the one who is most likely to...

  • Become surprised when they learn that I have the psychopathy diagnosis. Not because they question whether I may be lying (which would be a strange thing to do about something like this anyway), but because they find the psychopath label to be in opposition with their impression of me. 
  • Have a good ability to distinguish between truth/honesty and lie/untruthfulness. Therefore they're the ones (other than the psychopaths) who believe me, once they've had time and opportunity to observe my style and behavior as a debate participant on the forum.                         
  • Be critical toward the validity of me having been diagnosed. There's great difference in how they view it, some believe I can't possibly be a psychopath - the diagnosis must be wrong, the assessment procedure faulty, or something else must've gone wrong; others don't know what to think about me; and yet others believe I fit the definition to a T, they see all the traits in me and can be hard to persuade that I may not be as bad as they see me.

In upcoming articles I will describe my experience with the other 3 groups.

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Friday, July 1, 2011

I'm a Psychopath, and I'm on The Internet.

Since I first decided to see how people would react to me if I told them straight out that I'm a psychopath - on the Internet, and incognito, that is - I've learned a lot about human behavior. That is, mostly I have had confirmed what I already knew. But when I first started my Psychopathic Writings project I was still new to the Internet and had only had a few experiences with setting up an email account and do a few searches, surfing for news and such, and until around 2 years ago I had virtually no experience with computers what so ever. 9 months ago I had never posted a message on a comment board or in a forum, I knew nothing about common behavior on the Internet and had only heard small fragments about it via the news and on TV, so I had no experience with how my knowledge about human behavior translates to the Internet.

I spend some time getting a basic understanding of how the internet works and how people behave in general. I noticed that psychopaths not surprisingly behave pretty much on the Internet the same way that they do off the Internet - they don't tell others about themselves, even though they can do so fairly safely and anonymously - so I decided that since I would no doubt be cleared of my own diagnosis in a few months  - this was during the months while I was being assessed one last time, this time on my own initiative, and for my own money, and I was sure the result would be a recantation of my psychopathy diagnosis - I would have nothing to loose from saying I had the diagnosis in the meantime.

And so I set out to see how people would react if I told them that I'm diagnosed as a psychopath. - I chose to do it in an environment that was geared toward debates that have to do with psychopathy or related conditions. And I found a few forums that seemed promising. The first three forums suspended my account as soon as I had told about my diagnosis, even though I made a rule of doing it in relation to a debate or a question where it was relevant, or even perfect.

But eventually I found a few places where I could be rather open. - I also found places where I wish I had been open, but where I decided to be cautious at first, then later made some foolish comments (such as stating my diagnosis had already been recanted! *sigh*. I couldn't even delete these comments afterwards because I left them anonymously... but of course I signed them as Zhawq! *sigh*

.....

I will describe what I learned about the way people react to someone who is open about being diagnosed as a psychopath in coming articles. So hang on!...

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