The irrating thing about you is that you try to make out that you're a good person in a place where it doesn't matter. I think I'm a great person but not a good one, and that doesn't bother me.
I immediately found that this is a topic that has some importance beyond a petty dispute about a minor lie.
Since I began running this website, Psychopathic Writings, I have gone through a learning process that I had never dreamed I would ever experience. And it has changed my perspective in some ways, whereas in other ways my old opinions have been strengthened.
One of the areas where I do think I have made improvements, is in my writing skills. I am not a good writer, I never thought I was, and I don't think I'll ever become a great writer. But I have become better at it, and with better writing skills I think I am slightly better at describing my reality and expressing my thoughts in a way that gets the messages across.
How I wrote in the beginning may play some role in giving the impression that I think I'm a good person rather than a great person. But I know it isn't the whole story.
In one of my very first articles I wrote:
"I am a good person. I Know this, because .... ".
So which is it? Do I see myself as a good person, or merely as a great person?
To be honest, I am not sure what the difference between the two is. Being a great person to me is good. It does not mean that what I am is good for everybody I meet, and I don't believe I ever said anything to make it seem as if I attempted to be good in that way.
And after all, I admit to having killed people, I admit to having been abusive to people, I admit to having destroyed people emotionally and psychologically, I have stolen, I have raped, I have committed break and entry, I have forged and conned, robbed, and I have committed a number of so called white collar crimes that I need not list here.
So no, in that sense I am not a good a person, and I never claimed to even want to be so. - Yet it seems that I have somehow given the impression that I want people to see me as a good person.
Another reader used the phrase 'reformed', he thought I was trying to claim I have been reformed and am now not a criminal person anymore. And I have to say that he's right, I do claim that I am not criminal anymore. However, this alone does not make me a good person. There are plenty of law abiding people out there who are rotten to the bone, as the saying goes. We see them in all walks of life, and only the most naive people will find themselves shocked by such a statement.
So what is it about me that gives the impression that I think I'm a good person? Maybe we should define what a bad person is first. What is a bad person? Is it an amoral person? If yes, then I'm bad. I do not have morals and never claimed to be a moralistic person. I am driven only by my insatiable need to experience life in it's extreme. This I also never made a secret of. So it must be something else.
There is one other possibility that comes to mind, and I think what I'll say now just may be what my reader was getting at:
What if my motives behind keeping this website is not the good of my readers?
What if I am creating a big scheme of sorts, all of which is meant to lure my readers into a trap that I can then use to hurt them somehow?
This would surely make me a bad person, there's no doubt about that. But is that really it? Is that really what my reader thinks to be seeing? And if so, is there any truth to it? And why would they think it the right thing to do to admit it and scare my readers away even before I get started?
My answer is likely to disappoint once again, because the truth has already been stated on several occasions. I say it on a regular basis: My motive for keeping this website is to provide information to the best of my ability and to hopefully play a role in making a difference... some kind of difference, any kind of difference, really. I have a need to be at the center of where things happen, it's in my nature and I do not claim otherwise. Never did. I do not claim to reach for the stars like a saint, or to have all psychopaths' best at heart. As is true for all the psychopaths that I have met, I only really have my own best at heart. But having my own best at heart can sometimes mean to have others' best at heart too, because having others' best at heart will help me in the long run.
And this is what I often have found especially sociopaths do not seem to understand: That someone like me can think beyond my own nose and still put myself at the center of things, all while I am "fighting for some greater good", seems to be beyond - beside, or below - the perimeter of how their minds work. This is the dual nature of being selfish, but being so in a larger or - in my opinion - smarter way... or just different way, if you will.
What I am saying is this: There many ways to skin a cat, and you can't judge someone on their immediate appearance - especially not someone like me. This is why the authorities don't trust me. They know I put my self interest before anything else, though I can make it seem as if I think about the interests of everybody else first. I try to think of it as a way of meeting others' needs and my own needs somewhere in the middle, because I do not have the luxury to try and make everything play only to my own advantage. I did that once, but that is no longer an option.
I don't know if I have answered the question about how I see myself satisfactory. All I can say is this: I think I'm a great person, I really do! And I always have seen myself that way. I do not claim that my life has been a great success, it obviously hasn't, and I will be the first to admit it. But giving into regretful thinking about mistakes I've made in the past will not help me. And I know I have what it takes to make a successful living still, I have proven so in the past too. To me being confident about my own fundamental sense of superiority does not necessitate putting others down all the time or that I somehow openly display contempt towards those I may in fact feel some contempt for.
In my position, as a writer of information that is being gathered and will be used by researchers, and which may be valuable also to a wider audience, it is imperative that I keep a civil conduct and that I do not stoop to lowly flamewars and bickering - at least not of my own making. I'm aware that many in the sociopath community will scorn this decision, and they might, but in my position I cannot afford to follow the road of rebellion. I am too selfish, and I like my freedom too much. I am still enrolled in the psychopathy research project which is the only thing that stands between me and solitary confinement in a prison cell for life.
To put it this way: I am not going to throw my freedom away just so that I can have the correct bad guy attitude in the sociopath and AsPD community. You can respect me for my decision or not, that is up to you. For me, I have no regrets and I have no objection as to your choices, nor that they are different from mine.
I am still not entirely sure about where the idea that I am trying to put myself across as a good person comes from. But I'm fairly sure that is not the general impression people have when they read my articles.
Apart from that, yes: I do treat my readers with respect. It matters to me that they know they can come to me without anxiety or worry about being met with some of the responses we see at some of the other websites frequented by sociopaths and AsPD'ers. My website will never take that line, it is not it's purpose. This is for all who have an interest in the subject of psychopathy and related conditions, let it be known that it is not a playground for antisocial teens, nor a platform where sociopaths can show their assertive skills off.