Thursday, June 9, 2011

My First Memory.

I am not an overly violent person. In fact I am generally and mostly very easy going, forthcoming and friendly, and I smile very often at people, also when they've given me no particular reason to do so. But my very first memory happens to be associated with a violent act that I did. Maybe I should tell my Reader the story as it happened from the beginning...

The following is a description of my first memory, and of what happened around the bit of the incident that I recall.

Being viewed as different began even before I entered kindergarden. In fact the start happened sometime between my and 2.nd birthday and lead to my being transferred from a traditional state orphanage to a psychiatric orphanage - also of the state - so I could be "observed", because I displayed unusual behavior for my age. The Psychiatric "Orphanage Journal" from that period describes me as being very outgoing and also aggressive toward the other kids, it calls me 'prone to throwing tantrums' and describes me as unresponsive to the adults' attempts at getting into closer emotional contact with me. It states that I didn't react to invitations and encouragements to make emotional contact, and that I never became attached to neither the staff nor the other children.

There are also several notes about incidents where I had to be disciplined because I was being physically intrusive and "unusually rough" with the other children. Indeed, one of the descriptions is about an incident where "He took a toy from another child and bashed his head with it several times until nurse [name] rushed over and had to abruptly pull him away from the other kid".
This is the first memory I have in my life.

The journal states my age at the time: I was 1 yrs and 2 mths old.
But I do not remember the incident where I stole a toy from another kid and then hit him. What I remember is the punishment I was given afterwards.

In my memory I am on a stairway on my way up to the dormatory located upstairs, where I am going to be punished and then put to bed without dinner. To be forced upstairs before bedtime is the most dreaded punishment. I know I will get spanked, but it is the humiliation of being put to bed in the middle of the day that angers and upsets me because it means I am smaller than all the other children, and that I alone am being denied playing with the toys and climbing about, while I will be able to hear the rest of the kids downstairs, still playing.

On the stairway I have reached about 5 or 6 steps up and stopped climbing. Now I sit down close to the bannister, so that I can look across the room below. It is the room where we infants are when we have play time. At the wall opposite from where I am sitting  is a wide double-door, and I am looking in it's direction.

As a "funny" side note, I know where the kid I have harrassed had been located when I did it, even though I remember nothing of the event itself.

The reason I'm looking in the direction of the big door is that I know the head nurse will be walking through this door if or when she comes, and I am hoping - no, I am insisting - that she comes. She must come! I hope she will come back and tell the other nurses that I shall not be punished after all.

On this day I don't recall anything prior to the moment when I sit down on the stairs, but it is obvious that the head nurse has been the one to condone the decision of how I should be punished. This incident is beyond doubt the first time I have been punished by order from her directly. I think she was the one to tell me personally that I was to be punished, and how.

And this is the reason why this became my first memory. I was shocked, I was angry, I felt wronged. I was becoming a small baby again and would be abandoned and not be allowed to play or eat because I would be a very small baby again.
I did know there was something I had done to another kid, and that it had made the nurses very angry. I had no sensation of what I had done actually being bad or wrong, only that for some reason it had made the nurses become angry and give me a scare because of it. I had done nothing wrong, but I was being punished because they thought I was a small baby - and small babies were not liked. Never be small! And of course, never be weak! If you want something, you go and get it. You can influence the adults to like you, by smiling, by standing up, etc., but sometimes for no apparent reason they would suddenly hate you and be mean to you, and there was nothing you could do about it, except be strong and learn more about the world.

Doing something wrong or bad is not why you get punished. Being small is!



Anonymous said...

oh zhawq
thank you for the posting
it is very interesting. Wonderful.
power it is.
People are too dumb
and it's so irrrritating to describe A from Z to make them understand. Too dumb.


Anonymous said...

No, you got punished because you bashed a kid over the head with a toy stolen from him. Not because you were 'small'. I'm amazed at how truly delusional psychopaths are about themselves.

Anonymous said...

I think Zhawq logically knows that already. So he wrote this article. And children, even if they are not psychopaths, can be like zhawq, failing to understand what did they wrong and why are they being punished. Also the term delusional is funny... I think there would have been a reason that is rightful to Zhawq when he bashed the kid. Like... his brain were designed to be impulsive or, whatever. We cannot judge every right/wrong in our terms. Rather than delusional, I think it is a failure of logical/emotional understanding of something... And that kid who was bashed could have done something provoked zhawq to do that. I have taught many low income children as a volunteering work, and if you seriously observe the pool of children, problematic children(according to adults)are made to some violenct act by normally behaving ones(according to adults) who are sneakier, meaner. Children are mean. Even very cute normal ones are mean/cruel to weaker ones. Not only poor children, but they are. hmm digressed. I feel sorry that zhawq had to be punished because of something he was not capable of.
Good luck zhawq, get rid of boredommmmmm and angerrrr
it's killing me tooooo

Anonymous said...

are driven to do*
but most of children are*

Of course, I am not advocating violence,
just normals are much more delusional often,
and to prevent somethings from happening we should see the causes of problems without being biased...
In my country, when a children have done something wrong, they are almost never punished in some ways like no meal, put into room earlier, etc, which seem popular ways of punishment in America. I think parents hee think those are more horrible than beating- Make children STARVE? Oh no. and here parents sleep together with their children, even children did something wrong, scold them and show love to them before they sleep. Make them sleep alone when they are feeling not good? Oh no, how cruel. Sorry I ranted.
hi zhawq!

Anonymous said...

Question for Zhawq at end.

Ah, opinions are like a-holes: we all got one. Think its monumental Zhawg's doing this! I'm not a path of any kind (admit the opposite in fact, researcher, not in the psych career field, and believe myself no more capable of (as neurotypicals say) "fixing" paths as they themselves feel.

For common understanding, I'll say I am what might be considered a victim. Though, in honesty, I consider myself no more a victim than I do their being called delusional. Personally don't see the utility in making such comments demonstrating disrespect. In fact, my perception is that knowledge is power and such is how we, as a society, can elevate consciousness and thus, the human species. The fact we are provided insight into Zhawg's mindset (and, as an empath, I can only hope - not trust - for honesty), is a privilege. C'mon folks, we might well be getting INSIGHT here? Certainly, he (she/whatev) has heard all the negative comments and connotations of his being before. Those with any knowledge of his kind ought know such ignorances have likely been disregarded.

If one is already of the mindset of contradiction to these beings, seems easy: don't come. Fact is, they were born. They exist. And in oh, so many high numbers. They have as much right to be here as any human. And if one believes so haughtily that they don't or can be eradicated, well, that's neurotypical ignorance at its best.

Disparaging them only weakens those whom are not of their kind because to NOT TRY to understand them or meet their needs may well encourage a wrath not prepared for (my experience, of course).

Zhawg, make no mistake, I don't post this in some vain attempt to get insight to beat your kind at your games. Rather, I honestly believe society's gross reluctance to wrap heads around the unknown to arrive at mutual best outcomes is a root cause of the negatives affecting all involved.

I had decades with my host. Pain & devastation? Sure. An eternal optimist, I realize there were lots of gifts to our lives as well. The 15 page criminal history & score sheet of my host proves one thing: in all the decades and cycles of our relationship, there was NEVER a single arrest while we were 'together'. Why? Who can say for sure. However, even the host admits, during those periods (and some were many years at a time), I helped him stay on the up & up & become legally quite successful. We both realize it was a struggle for host. Ultimately, at 50 yrs old, he will now die incarcerated. I had left host(after learning of the 24 yr old pill whoa) and again, the impulsivity and boundaries were ignored.

So, maybe, who knows, I was able to affect that drive, that nature in a manner that better suited society and the host himself? Nope, wouldn't do it again w/a new relationship(frankly, I'm NOT 24 anymore, lol). But, I have children diagnosed RAD, appositionally defiant, and severely conduct disordered.

As a mother reluctant to give in to the assessments of the 'professionals' and accept the 'inevitable' they speak of, I FEEL (no pun intended), if I understand the mindset even better, I have a better shot at helping my kids have a better quality of life. Another goal: I'd hope to help them in a manner that is also respectful to and of society. To me it is simple: if they learn they CAN meet their needs and prosper, albeit with an understanding they WILL have to give sometimes, for the long-term goal, they have a better shot.

Zhawg, may I ask you one question? From my own experience with my host, I believe there was always/is some fundamental angst involved in wanting the ability to feel, and even anger such emotions could not be taught to self. As if there was a sense of desperation at times that any range of emotion could easily be faked, yet never felt. Is this relate-able to those you have experience with of your kind? I understand if you are reluctant to provide your own personal truth here.


Anonymous said...

we think we'll get punished for standing up.

I can relate. i got punished for standing up to the bully by the teacher once. The bully's parent was the head of a school committee and the teacher had it in her head to favor the bully.

Zhawq said...

Yeonji (1),

and it's so irrrritating to describe A from Z to make them understand.

yes, it can be very annoying trying to explain what to you is obvious. People are often biased by morals or other superficial beliefs such as racism or sexism. You're up against not only one person, but everybody from their background who helped form their view of reality.

Anon 5:20,

No, you got punished because you bashed a kid over the head with a toy stolen from him.

Yes, that is obvious... to you, and to me, and to other adults. But I was a baby, I couldn't connect the two events, even though I clearly was aware there was something about me hitting another child.

Not because you were 'small'. I'm amazed at how truly delusional psychopaths are about themselves.

You're probably right, because emotionally I still feel it had nothing to do with bashing another kid. And what's more, I've made sure to not be hurt in that manner very often since, because I make sure to not "be small".

Again, you're probably right, but I'm not sure if I too am not right as well. The big, the powerful, do they get punished? Not that the rest of us can see, or very rarely.

Yeonji (2),

his brain were designed to be impulsive or, whatever. We cannot judge every right/wrong in our terms. Rather than delusional, I think it is a failure of logical/emotional understanding of something

I believe you have understood this well, which is unusual. :)

I feel sorry that zhawq had to be punished because of something he was not capable of.

Thank you for your kind words, Yeonji.
Contrary to common belief, I can appreciate that someone feels sorry for me.

Good luck zhawq, get rid of boredommmmmm and angerrrr

I would be grateful to just get rid of "boredom" It's not a word I normally use, I use words like 'Need for Inspiration', or 'Great Need to Experience Life'. But I know what you mean.

And I hope you will be able to get through your trouble also!
You know you are still welcome to write me! :)

Zhawq said...


For common understanding, I'll say I am what might be considered a victim. Though, in honesty, I consider myself no more a victim than I do their being called delusional.

I met someone in an Online forum that I you remind me very much of. She is one of the most positive, strong and energetic women, with a wonderful personality, that I've met on the Internet. If you're anything like her, you're not really a victim, and you never will be. I believe there are some - not many under the present circumstance, but some - psychopaths who you might call 'good psychopaths', for lack of a better word. And I'm sure, if you don't meet a neurotypical man, a good psychopath will find you and treat you like a queen for the rest of your life. You'll never have any reason to fear being victimized by anybody again!

Having insightful readers like yourself is one of the most satisfying things about running this website, Ma'am, and it's exactly the kind of response that what keeps me going! :)

I would reply to you right here and now. But I find there's more I'd want to say than can be said in a short comment, so I was wondering if perhaps I could write you a mail? I have left my email address under the Contact tab, and you're very welcome to use it. That's what it's there for.
If you don't want to do that, no worries, I will reply here!... '^L^,

Anonymous said...

aw shucks, too kind . . . .
(and its about time, lol)

You remind me of someone too (wink)

I dunno about the fact that I'll never be a victim (again). I mean I sure as hell hope not, but then again . . . shit DOES happen. One can never be too sharp or too conceited to think they're totally safe, right?

Thing is, me thinks I have much experience with a fella like yourself and though I can't tell a lie (oh crap, that's a lie, sure I can, lol) I would rather NEVER deal with such a personality again, well, that's being a chicken shit. Not my style. I sincerely mean it when I say that somehow, we gotta get ourselves to some common ground (the you's and I's of the world).

Maybe you can help me where I surely need assistance (available conventional means are not cutting it) and if, per chance, I can help you w/info of any sort, we both win? I know, I know, sounds sordid, right? I am fully aware of the mentality of "what's really in this for me?". Maybe give er a go. Never know.

You can vent to me and rip me a new one whenever you feel the need as I'm sure I'll need it from time to time. Gotta tell you though, some days (albeit rare), being positive evades me and I can be purty pissy too;)
Can I just ask that you TRY to keep those 'meanie' thoughts at bay? lol

You have a fantastic sense o humor (when you want to) and me thinks we can learn from each other.
Hope to hear from you soon.

Anonymous said...

Mr Zhawg,
OMG you "Ma'am" ed me again!
Hellooooooooo, not anywhere near getting that AARP card. lol

you're not trying to use them 'lines' on me now, are ya? lmfao

No, I don't see you as the big bad wolf but never ye mind, am also aware of them predispositions to lack of judgements than might not be all too safe for this here gal too.

I would, however, very much enjoy bantering here. Sir :)

Bella said...

zhawq is a wolf only in that he is the alpha. He keeps the pack intact. You must respect him. He is a master.

Anonymous said...

I give.

Trying to establish an awareness of human behavior here on levels not only pertaining to self, but others. Higher learning, remember?

If attributing self-confidence (thru sharing of personal experiences/insights) to narcisism is a preferred deflection method, then I'll resign further efforts. I respect all people. Certainly I have learned behaviors from my king narc father, lol. Unlike him, I DO introspect so that I didn't have a life near close to his. I also respect myself, my time and am the master of my own life.

So much for elevating awarenesses. Maybe what 'they' say is true after all? Acceptance? I'm no superstar, but have done okay for myself. I attribute this to: 1) trying when some would give up and 2) giving up when there is no difference made w/effort.

+ 1 (or 100, whatever) Zhawg
You win. Its all good :)
Live and let live.

Zhawq said...


(and its about time, lol)

It sure is! Haha.

Man... no, Ma'am, it's good to see you're fine and well! I've been thinking 'about ya a good deal.

I dunno about the fact that I'll never be a victim (again). I mean I sure as hell hope not, but then again . . . shit DOES happen.

Indeed, shit does happen. I think I can attest to that. ;)

One can never be too sharp or too conceited to think they're totally safe, right?

If I have any saying in this you'll never become a victim! Education is key, of course. Self awareness too. Another thing I've found to often be central to whether or not someone could become a victim is having just one person, be it a friend or someone you love, having someone who cares about your well being.

I may have had the role of a predator, it would be a lie to claim I haven't. But I dare say I've also been that one person who made sure someone else didn't get hurt. So it is possible to avoid it for as far as anything can be assured completely.

I sincerely mean it when I say that somehow, we gotta get ourselves to some common ground (the you's and I's of the world).

Yes. The battle against psychopaths is doomed even before it's begun. We're here to stay. But I too am convinced it is possible to find common ground.

I don't even think our 'groups' were always at odds. It's most of all a sign of inner conflicts in our culture at present.

And I'll send ya a mail soon!... '^L^,

Anonymous said...

I'm just now coming to grips with being strongly psychopathic, and find your blog a bit inspiring.

I wish we could all be so wise as to understand the problems of those around us. If so, I'd probably just start giving the warning when meeting someone new that I might be manipulative or condescending unintentionally.

I'm not sure why there's a tendency to be violent as a psychopathic person....I was raised in a violent upbringing, have no qualms with acts of violence, rather enjoy gore and death (as an appreciation of fatality and the atypical, more than OMG BLOOD I WANT STUFF TO BLEED if you know what I mean), but I've never had random spurs of violence. Yet.

Which comes to my fear. I'm not inherently violent, but I'm psychopathic in almost every way. Do you think I should be worried about someday reaching a level of violent anger I'm not currently sure I'm capable of?


Zhawq said...

Hello Nathan,

Being not inherently violent is very common for psychopaths. I don't really think of myself as very violent either.

And yes, it makes very much sense what you describe about appreciation of blood and gore. I am the same way, though I have developed a more than neutral appreciation.

Being raised in a violent environment is often one of the things that will teach a person certain patterns of behavior. I myself have been raised on both violent and non-violent environments, and I don't really know where my "blood lust" came from. I've always had it.

I would need to know a little more about you before I can say if you have reason to be concerned about future violent urges.

If you want me to help you find out, you are welcome to send me a mail. Some of these things are often better discussed one on one.

Should you choose not to write me, I wish you the best of luck ahead!

Thank you for finding my Psychopathic Writings inspiring, I appreciate your words and will continue to try and do my best.

Anonymous said...

You mentioned that from as far back as you can remember, you were in an orphanage and then a hospital. Makes me wonder if you simply have Reactive Attachment Disorder which was never addressed in any way. Many children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder came from institutions such as hospitals, orphanages, etc. as well as neglectful and abusive environments, where they never had any consistent caretaker or one parental figure to attach to. As a result, they grow from as early as infancy to see themselves as living in a world of one: just them taking care of themselves and responsible for giving themselves happiness. They actually never learn HOW to have emotional attachment to any other person or to use others in an emotionally meaningful way. Consequently they exhibit behavior at very young ages which is seen as psychopathic by most around them. They steal, bully and batter others, manipulate and lie, and will even kill to get their needs met, and do so in a matter of fact way. In actuality,they behave the way they do because their lack of attachment as a baby, never enables them to learn things such as empathy, impulse control, emotional feelings for others, etc. These things are NOT inherent in humans as many believe. They need to be initially created by a decent and consistent parental figure, and if it doesn't happen early in life, the results can be disastrous to the child's future emotional development. Without that original attachment formation RAD children never bond with ANY others (Not to mention, many are extremely angry at others for having been outright abusive, and want to hurt them back) So they go on to believe they are lone animals, that others and emotions for others serve no purpose to them, that it's a dog eat dog world where everyone is for himself in getting his own needs met, and they have no problem doing anything necessary in order to survive and find ways to make themselves happy. Sorta like a feral cat. But when these children are caught early on, they can actually change and learn to experience the world differently. So maybe you see the world like that too because from day one you never got the emotional "training" you were supposed to get, and therefore don't even realize it is possible to feel different from how you do now. But maybe you can if you decide that is something you want to pursue. Hey, at least think about it. There might be a whole new world out there that you don't even know can actually exist.

Anonymous said...

Hi, it's GILFTITS from sociopathicworld

The nurses were trying to teach you that violence is not tolerated in our society. You failed to understand this because you were too young at the time.

Nadja said...

Interesting post, Zhawq, and that's a good point Anon @ December 31, 2011 1:47 PM. I behaved pretty much the same way as a child, but was raised in an abusive environment, and I'm still rather confused as to whether it's more RAD/PTSD than anything else. Although neither of those two would explain the explosive bouts of rage over 'normally' insignificant things despite the usual 'flat effect.' Hard so say also whether boredom and frustration are actually depressive episodes either as I have nothing to compare it to first hand...

Ettina said...

It seems odd to me that they would punish a 1 year old. Most kids that young are not cognitively capable of understanding why they're being punished - studies show that under 18 months old, kids don't understand that other people could want something different from them. (If the experimenter indicates nonverbally that she prefers brussel sprouts to animal crackers, 14 month olds will give her animal crackers and 18 month olds will give her brussel sprouts.) If I were dealing with a misbehaving one year old I'd just remove them from the situation and find something to distract them. Only around 2 or so would I start using actual punishments.

Anonymous said...

Hitting children is wrong.
Hitting a one year old is even worse than wrong. A child that age does not understand a spanking. He or she does not understand right from whrong, these kids should be guided, taught compassion, in kind ways. If anything punishment should be applied in older kids who do something that they know is wrong and keep doing it on purpose. I am sure you had RAD, hard to consider a child a psychopath, do not agree one bit with it. Their brain is too immature to diagnose them with anything. ohterwise why not diagnose little babies with schizophrenia? They have odd beliefs, magic thinking and that is just natural! Sorry you went through that

Zhawq said...

Anon Feb. 19.-13 10:47AM:

"Hitting children is wrong."

Back then - and to this day in probably most of the world - hitting children is commonly practiced. Very few children who were being hit during early childhood develop psychopathy, wherefore this alone cannot be it's cause.

"I am sure you had RAD, hard to consider a child a psychopath, do not agree one bit with it."

There's no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I did have a very pronounced RAD. But the term hadn't become part of pediatric psychiatry at that time.

Anonymous said...

This article has clues to being a born sociopath with severe early life experiences. Your emotional response show that negative reinforcement carries a negative meaning for you, a psychopath should be unaffected. Also the nature of you early childhood makes it nearly impossible to distinguish between the two for the most case, but with sociopathy being more common and the obvious lack of attachments that such an environment creates, along with the poor me sociopathic response, it is little wonder ,I'm telling you man, look into born sociopathy...

Anonymous said...

I do not know of a single individual that could remember such detailed accounts of a memory they had at the age of 1 year or even 2 years of age. I have a strong belief that you are in fact a psychopath, and like a true psychopath I believe that you made up the entire event. You probably found the picture somewhere on the w.w.w. and came up with a story to go with it. Why? boredom, curiosity, jealousy, or for amusement doesn't really matter.

Otto said...

Oh come on, Anonymous..

These events are memorable because they are emotionally charged and probably was the first time Zhawq was experiencing a mix of different emotions at one point in time (laying down many connections at once and therefore being the first point of reference for every branch of memory that came after)

Many people remember things from such a young age, myself I have a vivid videographic memory of chasing a herd of cows down the front paddock on my grandparents farm, I remember the rush, the adrenaline, the red jacket I was wearing, I remember feeling some kind of euphoria because I had snuck away from the adults and managed to get so far away before they noticed and began calling my name and waving me down from on top of the hill.. but I was defiant and continued chasing down the scared animals (lucky I was wearing red hmm... )

If you read more posts you will see the story Zhawq has painted is very logically consistent and also logically contradicting (but not really because there is always more to tell if you would ask the right questions) if this blog was full of lies I would recognize it immediately because my thinking goes much the same way even though I am on the extreme opposite end of the empath-sociopath spectrum

This blog has been a real eye opener precisely because it is so honest, and there is a kind of sadness that we (all of us) have these mental blind spots and we can not communicate a feeling with only our words, in the same way that a trichomat could never explain the color system to a dichromat with only colors