Saturday, June 4, 2011

Aboslutely No Remorse!



I was always certain I could feel Remorse despite the fact that I had never felt it, which I was quite aware of. The reason for this, I thought, was very obvious: It was because I had never had any reason to feel remorse. And this way of thinking is as recent as... well, right now, as I write these words! I actually still don't think I have any real reason to feel remorse for anything I've done. None of what I have done did I do just because I wanted to make the world suffer just because it would be fun to do so. I always thought I had a good reason for wanting to make the world - or some people in it - suffer. I had god reasons for each killing, for every torturing, for every time I made someone break down mentally. I had good reasons, my reasons. And never did I think of it as just being done for "fun" alone, I always felt there was something to be learned, something of value in some way, even when I wasn't sure what it was. - I guess this is what they mean when they talk about Entitlement, for I certainly felt entitled.


And this is the point I see can find some problematic ground with some of my Readers, but I must be honest, or this whole project, Psychopathic Writings, will be meaningless.
The fact that I don't think I have any reason to feel remorse... that I've never thought I had any reason to feel remorse... means I don't think I should feel remorse after any of the killings in my past. I'm sure, that if I thought I had reason to feel remorse, then I probably could. As I write this, I try to imagine how that must be, to feel remorse. But I would be lying if I claimed to be able to imagine such a state of mind. Honestly it doesn't really seem very important to me either. What good would it do to anybody if I felt remorse, here, alone in my home?

How can I explane something like this? I know how alien it must be to many, maybe to most, people in our present time. I think all I can do is to say it as it is and not try too much to explain, except for the obvious things that I think have validity.

It's not that I do not care whether I do something wrong - or at least it wasn't so at the time, not really. No, I can't see any reason to feel remorse, because I honestly don't think what I've done is that bad... especially considered all the facts about how my own situation was on the times when I committed them.
There have been times when I did harmful things out of curiosity and without any other reasons such as revenge, f.x.. And even in those cases do I feel I was basically justified, because I did what I did in order to get an experience I felt would be good for me, f.x. in that it would provide me with the "knowledge" that my initial curiosity sprang from an urge to acquire. Many of my reasons (in the past) for doing some very 'horrid' things may seem incredibly small and flimsy, but in my view every single experience I got was part of a whole that I'm sure has a purpose, even though I didn't know (and still don't know) what that purpose was or could be.
This is where I can now recognize what is called 'magical thinking' playing a role in the way I thought and rationalized my actions. It's clearly connected to the thesis of Grandiose sense of Self Importance or Worth.

All of this, especially when I write it down in this manner and use the terminology of the definitions used to diagnose me, I can see why the professionals think I must be a psychopath.

But here comes the reasoning behind one of my first articles, in which I begin by stating that I know I'm a good person, in:

I've never felt I do what I do - however horrible - is just for my own gratification. Yet, my own gratification is always at the center of things. But that is because my gratification is provided in order for me to be able to function at my best. I do have an unusually strong need for stimulation - this I don't attribute to a shallow emotional life, on the contrary, I've always seen myself as someone who has a very strong inner life that demands Existense, demands to get into that Dance of lLfe - to put it poetic - the ongoing and dramatic exchange between forces and extremes. It is my hunger and appetite for life that is unusually strong.

How can I make a strong appetite for life fit with the idea of shallow and limited emotion!?

So they say I have flat affect because I don't seem to react to most of the dramatic impressions or sensations given me. But in my opinion this is not because I don't feel anything at all, it's because I'm so used to feeling a lot all the time that it takes something very unusual to make me react visibly.

To get to the central point: I have always felt sure that everything I do is for the good in the larger scheme of things. That's all I can say. I have no actual religious philosophy, nor do I hallucinate or hear voices. There're no symptoms of mental illness.
But I also have never thought I didn't want the best for mankind or the world. I may not have thought the opposite all the time either, but does that make me ill willed? If asked, and when I ask myself: "Zhawq, do you want death on the world, or do you want happiness for the world?" I truly did think I wanted happiness for it! And I truly thought - and still think it possible - that I could play a part in making things happen.

I still want the best for the world, but I no longer believe the best can happen without some agony. This is the sad news I have learned on my recent journey. Ironic indeed that I caused destruction while I believed it was possible to make things well without pain. And now that I actually don't think pain can or should be avoided, I am finally no longer causing any destruction, but in fact am being helpful even to those who may still want me destroyed.

___

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

"...being helpful even to those who may still want me destroyed."

"Righting the wrong" in very simple deed, with no fear of judgement from others.

This is how i view things after the fact, or how I've planned escaping being stuck.

I know i have the power to disappoint, and it is probably inevitable.

Freedom to change your mind when things are no longer pleasurable.

Is this "free will"?

TheNotablePath said...

"I had god reasons for each killing"

Slip, much? :P

"Zhawq, do you want death on the world, or do you want happiness for the world?"

I will answer for myself. Both. I truly believe that for this world to experience happiness, there needs to first be mass death on an international level. There are too many damn people on this rock, many of our major resources will be depleted before I'm even old enough to die of "old age", and we have no space program anywhere on the world that is prioritizing colonization on resource heavy planets.

In short, this world is bleeding itself dry while the parasites that rule it are growing at a rapid rate. There will be no happiness left if we keep at this rate.

I don't however think that killing a few people myself is going to solve that problem. I'm sure there are more... creative means, that don't involve nuclear bombs.

Anonymous said...

Right, you can't take some stuff back after the fact. The resource will be gone. How will you be able to take pleasure in anything if it has become destroyed, or it has no value because it has no breath.

You can cultivate relationships and the minds of children the same way you can cultivate land. With care and control.

Soulfulpath said...

Destruction is but one path. "mankind, womankind, humankind, pathkind, empathkind" just means ultimately we are in all in this world together, best to make alliances and create helpful strategies. At the end of the day our funerals will be crowded and our energies remembered.

Anonymous said...

the checks and balances between the empathic and the sociopathic make for a stronger democracy, prob.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful article Zhawq!
I do not feel remorse on the things I intentionally did. I had my own reason to do anything I did, but I remember feeling a remorse. I had small animals as pets, like a kitten or hamster, and because of my lack of knowledge, I killed them/brought illness to them, by feeding something I shouldn't have and do not feed something that's necessary.. I totally felt sadness- I wanted them to be healthy, but I slowly led them to death and pain out of my ignorance. I felt remorse, wouldn't you feel remorse like this kind of situation? For example there is something you like that you tried to care about it but out of ignorance, you greatly harmed it?
pleasant day:)
-Yeonji

Anonymous said...

Does spinning around fast as you can holding kitten, letting it loose, then watching it like Joe Namath bumping into furniture count? Only like 2x?

Zhawq said...

Anon 12:01,
Is this "free will"?

I don't believe in Free Will as an abstract reality. But it doesn't matter, what matters is how we interpret our reality. And there's no doubt that it really seems that we have the power you mention.

I like you perspective!

Notable,
lol. It was a typo. I meant to say I had 'good' reasons, not god(ly) reasons. :D

Do I want death or happiness on the world? I don't want anything specific for the world. I'm sure the world can take care of itself.
That said, I also think there can be no happiness without death and destruction, unhappiness, if you will.
We reach the day through the night, that's how our minds are constructed, and even as we'll always try to get rid of suffering, it is suffering that ensures our pleasure. That is part of what psychopaths are for, part of the reason we're needed, because we know this, and we take people through the cycle every day. We are feared, but also loved because of it. There's no denying it, even though the media will have us think otherwise.

You touch on a central "problem", Notable: The over population. But yes, there're plenty of means to "solve" that problem too.


Anon 10:34,
Nobody knows what will be in the future. The globe has changed and life forms have been replaced more than once. The human species has proven capable of adapting to circumstances never dreamed of. - We'll have to wait and see. But then, if we die we'll not be sorry either. We can only make the best of what we have while we have it. If we want to stop a negative development, we must do it. Those in power won't do it for us!


Yeonji 3:01,
I felt remorse, wouldn't you feel remorse like this kind of situation?

I will be honest with you, for I appreciate your input, and I think I understand what you mean.
No, I haven't felt remorse in such situations. The truth is I have never felt remorse, and I don't see why it is important. It doesn't change anything, the animals still died. And I can still learn from the mistakes I did when I fed them wrong fodder.

I am not a bad person, and I can treat people and animals well. But I cannot feel this feeling called remorse, and I'll say this much: I don't care to feel it.

Zhawq said...

Soulful,
we are in all in this world together, best to make alliances and create helpful strategies. At the end of the day our funerals will be crowded and our energies remembered.

Some might say we're in this world apart, each of us, alone.
Creating alliances is the smart thing to do, even if we won't be remembered.


Anon,

Does spinning around fast as you can holding kitten, letting it loose, then watching it like Joe Namath bumping into furniture count? Only like 2x?

Does it count as what?

Anonymous said...

I was trying to make fun of my behavior as a kid. Not all of it was funny, believe me.

I am referring to animal cruelty because it is part of the criteria for some of the labels.

Excuse me for making light of the issue. I have been considering my past. i didn't mean to be flip. It is a coping thing.

Anonymous said...


"We reach the day through the night, that's how our minds are constructed, and even as we'll always try to get rid of suffering, it is suffering that ensures our pleasure."

this is dualism. hot and cold are defined by each other and depend on each other. SUCH IS LIFE.

luke warm regards,

saintly sinner.