Saturday, May 21, 2011

Psychopathic Emotions. (Part 2)

It was to take place at the hospital where I met the guy (a surgeon, no less) who said "you can't get things out of a computer". I wasn't happy to be send there again (it wasn't my choice, but they've made new laws that have people being send where the hospitals themselves decide. No free choice of hospital, not since the law Free Choice of Hospital was made. You know, just as usual with laws, they create the opposite of what they say, not freedom, but more decisions taken away from you). So I did fear I'd be meeting the same surgeon, since I knew exactly what his decision would be.

It was a surgeon I hadn't met before, and he was refreshingly human. He actually listened to what I told him, but sounded doubtful about whether I should receive surgery. He promised to ask his colleagues (!! Come again? He had to ask his colleagues? Well that's what he said!).

So sometime last week I received the answer. It was a decision made not by the surgeon who saw me, but by a "board". It is no longer the individual surgeon who decides, but the whole goddamn council!! Do my reader see the implications opf this? If one surgeon has deenied a patient, and the patient asks for a second opinion, not only may the patient be send to get a second opinion from the same fucking place where he got the first one, he'll also NOT get a second opinion, for there ARE no second opinions where it's a board who decides. How can a board give a second opinion to their own opinion? Ergo, the concept has no meaning. At least not here.

I can tell the decision was made almost without thought. The 3 lines in the letter didn't even reflect his personality, but was strangely skewed, trying to imply something "we" had spoken about at the consultation while at the same time stating an opinion he had never expressed - but which I knew the other one had expressed 2 years earlier, if not with the same words (he'd been outright rude, this one 'tried' to be civil).

The heart of this whole matter is that it makes me angry beyond imagination. And there's nothing I can do about it! - Yes, I have to make money and go elsewhere to get it done privately, but that only fuels my anger because I know it'll take time. I just lost 200.000,00 last year, and they had taken a long time to make because I've been staying away from crime. - Now I'm supposed to do the same thing again, and spend the whole thing on surgery instead of retirement.

It's at times like these I feel every bit as victimized as any individual neurotypical I may have given a rough time. So they may just sit there and take it when they get treated badly, but why does that mean I have to do the same?

Truth is, of course, this is some strange matter having to do with flawed laws and bad decision making, etc. etc... But it makes me so damned angry that I can't influence my own situation in any way - at least not by legal means.
This anger has kept me up the wall lately. Whenever I've been trying to write my anger have blocked inspiration and made everything loose it's luster. I'm not sure about how I can deal with this, it's the first time I've been defeated in this manner.

I've always said, when people loose heart: "Don't let yourself get beaten, no matter what. There's always a way you can change things, always!"

And of course I still believe there is. I too will find a way. Oh yes, I'll find a way!!... But for now it's ... I don't know. This anger will destroy me, if I don't somehow get over it soon.

And neurotypical people are supposed to feel stronger than I do? How can they live with stronger emotions than mine?

Since I've begun to understand and recognize that I fit the definition of a psychopathic individual I've been looking at neurotypical people in a different way than I used to. For example, earlier today one of my Internet acquaintances send me a link to a Youtube Video feat. William Whitmore, a singer playing his guitar as he sings. He starts the session with a little conversation, his audience is obviously small, it's an intimate kind of performance (not a 10 thousands of people scale performance).
At one point someone in the audience shouts "Fuck the police!", and the singer exclaims back: "Fuck the police!", and the audience cheers.

I can't help wondering: What does he feel when he says that? He doesn't look that different from how I look when I say such things... But I have to conclude he feels either stronger or more varied and different kinds of emotions than I would, or perhaps both?

How can they, the neurotypicals, live with all those emotions tearing at them all at once all the time? Because that is what must be happening if I'm to believe what f.x. Robert Hare keeps claiming in his books and texts, otherwise they'd be just like me, except for being less free to decide which emotions to feel and when. And that is one thing I can easily see they're not. I've always thought that was the only difference: The kinds of feelings we choose to feel, and that they have a more compulsive pattern, which is what I've been using against them, to control them and to defeat them. I've never seen it as a difference in how strong we each feel, and it still seems slightly odd to me that they really should be so full of emotions constantly.

And the complexity thingy... How must it be to have so many different emotions going on at once. Mustn't it be something of a rollercoster to have so many things going on at once, to never have one well defined emotion and that's it, but always several fluctuations of a scale. It must be like never being able to look at one color, because there're always a lot of other colors all at once, mixing up each other. Maybe this is why they're so prone to anxiety and depression. If you heap up multiple colors on top of each other you don't get a rainbow, you get black.

Of course, the point would be that they can have the rainbow. But I can see a rainbow too, I can distinguish the colors in a rainbow, but I don't 'feel' the colors. Do neurotypicals feel what they see? Do they feel something whenever they look at a picture or a situation? Some people are said to feel sad if they see a picture of a starved child. Those people must be living rigid lives, for they can't allow themselves to be exposed to whatever kinds of pictures and emotions may come their way, or they'll feel bad all the time. Maybe that's why most people are so hung up with peace and stability and safety? But if this is how it is, why then don't they arrange their lives so that they get exposed to things that make them happy all day long? I know I would.

Reality is structured in a way that makes constant happiness impossible. Even if they did arrange their lives so that only happy things were part of it, it wouldn't work, because feeling happy is a perspective, and perspectives have no bearing without their opposites. Black is what makes white white, and vice versa.
This is also the reason why the constant attempt to create a perfect society where everybody are happy isn't possible, and the efforts are therefore wasted and even contra-productive.



Anonymous said...

Yes having a rollercoaster emotional brain really is tiresome. But never boring. No, it is always a crap shoot, so people get confused, especially if they want you to take stuff seriously. How can I ask someone to take me seriously when my emotions run wild. Try this for a first date one-liner. "You know, one day I'm happy, and the next day your outta here just for ..TRYING to make me feel good? Who the f are u? trying to tweak me? do not TOUCH. Non toccarree mutha f er! I can tweak myself. Just go get a bottle of wine, suck it down and I'll join you later when you're numb and sober.

Anonymous said...

A great article..Thanks for your amazing descriptions of life from your perspective. I think we have alot to learn from each other.

From a Neurotypical's perspective it can be extremely exhausting to feel so much and so many emotions all of the time (and others emotions)...and knowing I can remain anonymous, I can admit that I used to steal my parents codeine as a child, and as an adult still use it to dull down my emotions.

I know you might find this hard to understand but some of us can feel the emotions of others as well which adds to the complexity. I have learnt distinguish the feeling of my own emotion and the emotions of others - either directly connected to me or even people I have never met.

I can even feel, or notice the absence of a psychopath's emotions (I recognise that you experience anger etc, but I refer to love, empathy etc)...I have met a few psychopaths during my lifetime....a couple I have been personally involved with. One in particular gave me a very flat/vacant feeling after I had been around him...I felt NOTHING at all and that was something I had never experienced before. It would take a few hours after leaving his presence for me to return to my usual 'feeling' self. Another I come across, although he outwardly appeared very charming I immediately felt his hatred, rage and disgust for people like me, but also I felt is uncontainable joy at the very thought that he was planning a con and I wouldn't see it coming. But I had a secret weapon... the ability to feel his feelings. He was the one that ended up being blindsided.

Hope this helps you understand from my perspective.


preoccupiedgirl said...

I suppose that I don't arrange my life to constantly be around only things that make me happy because there is a difference between short-term happiness and long-term happiness. The long-term comes from reaching one's goals, something which I think you can relate to--just judging from some of your other posts where you mention having plans in mind. Sometimes to reach the long-term, we have to handle short term unhappiness.

Different people deal with it in different ways. I know someone who will explode with emotion about once a month, but other than that keep it together entirely and do amazing things to reach long-term goals. It's actually quite effective for her, I think.

In general, though, I don't think that constant happiness is really anyone's goal; not for themselves and not for society. Unhappiness can be a call to action and a great motivator. It can often even tell us when something is wrong before we've had time to logically process it! It's a heuristic, is all.

preoccupiedgirl said...

The more I think about this the more I realize that more analogies for understanding might be appropriate here. People who you would call "neurotypical" do no need to arrange their lives rigidly to avoid things like seeing pictures of starving children, even though it would be considered normal for all people in this category to feel sad when they see that picture. We feel it, and we deal with it.

There are some people who can't deal with sadness, but we usually say they are not neurotypical. I think we'd call that a neurosis. I would say that fits with your "all the colors make black" idea. To be considered "normal" one has to be able to both see all the colors all the time and also orchestrate them in a way that they don't turn to black. It's a bit like learning a musical instrument, if I could make the analogy. If you play all the notes on a piano at once, it sounds terrible. But that doesn't mean it can't make beautiful music in the hands of one who is skilled.

Anyway, it really is a bit of a hemming in what is normal, right? If you don't feel empathy, you have one disorder, but if you feel it and can't just go on and deal with it, you have a different one.

Anonymous said...

Looking at a picture of a starving kid doesn't make me very sad. Out of 100% I'd say it makes me feel about 10% of sadness. That's why it's not a problem to get exposed to different feelings all the time. Not to mention the feeling disappears after I stop looking at the picture.

Much in the same way if somebody tells me a joke, it makes me 10% happy. That's enough to make me laugh, but it only lasts for a moment as well. All in all, the positive feelings seem to outweigh the negative ones in effect.

It's kind of difficult to imagine how strongly each people feels, because in the end we're all limited to knowing what happens inside our own head. Most of the time I feel pretty neutral. Maybe I have a boring life ;)

lele said...

"Looking at a picture of a starving kid doesn't make me very sad. Out of 100% I'd say it makes me feel about 10% of sadness. That's why it's not a problem to get exposed to different feelings all the time. Not to mention the feeling disappears after I stop looking at the picture.

Much in the same way if somebody tells me a joke, it makes me 10% happy. That's enough to make me laugh, but it only lasts for a moment as well."

I share this view.

Anonymous said...

Whoa. You mean you guys physically feel emotions to seeing a picture of a starving kid. Talk about easy to mess with. That is a major weakness.

And as for you zahwq. Surgergy ???!!! I think I might be in danger of feeling empathy, because I'm feeling fucking angry for you. Stay cool bud, good luck