Monday, May 23, 2011

People ARE Objects!

Treating People as Objects - What's the Difference?

The difference between objects and people is superficial. People - and that includes me - are basically objects. No matter how much we like to tell ourselves otherwise, objects is basically all that we are.

This is not an uncommon notion among psychopaths, and it is a very central theme in the discussion about the "Psychopath Problem".

It is up to us to decide how we want to treat objects, and that includes seemingly inanimate matter.

This is central to the problems man has created for himself. By thinking we're different from and more than not only inanimate objects, or from Plants, but also from animals, we've started a fundamental segregation that has pervaded everything we do and think. It has lead us to not only create global pollution and multiple variations of holocaust, it has lead us to even distinguish among ourselves, calling some people better or worse, more or less humane than the rest.

We're distinguishing between Good and Bad, where Bad has become Dark, Evil, Demonic, Night, Black, non-Christian Religions, Foreign Cultures, and latest: Psychopaths.

What I see is an ongoing gradual extinction of ourselves. And psychopaths weren't the first 'Demons' or 'Witches', we weren't the first to be given the role of 'Evil' and therefore the reason for all bad which must be eliminated or assimilated before Good can prevail.

We weren't the first, but what's more important: We won't be the last!... There will always be the next "mal-functioning" minority.

Hell, I can even predict who will be next! First, of course, it will be the Antisocial Personality Disordered, and then the Sociopaths (maybe both at once; they'll be attempted dealt with together with the psychopaths). But after that it'll be either the Borderline Personality Disordered or the High Functioning Autistic, especially those with Asperger's Syndrome.

With a way of thinking that distinguishes between Human and Inhuman, or Living Beings and Inanimate Objects, or Good and Bad or Evil, there will be no end until the last difference has been eliminated. And that can only happen by wiping the whole universe out, for as long as there is Life, so long will there be variety and differences.

So you see, that first seemingly innocent and self-given truthful statement is not as innocent after all. It makes the very basis for the progressive destruction of our globe which we're witnessing.

What makes it even more sad is this: The distinction between Humans and everything else is not a universal idea. It's religious. Furthermore it's Christian. That makes it slightly absurd that people take this idea for granted, while at the same time most don't believe in the Christian religion anymore. They may say they do, but in reality very, very few believe. It has become a dogmatic set of mores that nobody really know the origin of, but which they take for granted.

And that is the mores and the way of thinking that is behind the present debate about how to 'deal with' psychopaths.

I can't help but make the conclusion that the present craze about blaming psychopaths for everything - like thinking we're to blame for all the economical scandals, which is just an example - is basically a reminiscence of a 2.000 years old religion, and it's an excuse being used by the majority because they are emotionally dependent on 'feeling good about themselves'.

The irony is that they're succeeding in dividing those who might otherwise rebel, by painting the minority which are their present Scape Goats in the blackest of colors. Just like the Witches and Demons before us.

But let me end with going along with the idea that psychopaths are the source of all evil and not really human:

"Let those who have understanding count the Number of the Beast... for it is a Human Number! The Number is 666!..."

Personally I like to turn things upside down!...

And I prefer 999 by far!...


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Do Psychopaths Have Self Pity?

Do I feel Self Pity? I think the answer will be Yes, and No!

I grew up much of the time on institutions where pedagogues were part of the staff. And one of the returning issues I had was that they always seemed to think I had a lot of self pity. I would tell them it wasn't about Self Pity, but - as I told myself at the time - about justice. The truth is it was about control, it was about me getting my way.

Like most children I saw early on that displays of distress would get the attention of the adults, and their attention was required if I wanted to get what I wanted from them.
Somehow a child must feel very sad in order to get what it wants. Saying: "I want that!" just didn't do it, so I would often be in a lot of pain and be very sad.

But once I reached a certain age... I think about 5 or 6... and was send to correctional facilities for kids, the adults began to meet me with the same statement over and over: "You're just having self pity! Stop it!"

The truth is I've never really been as reflective as to consider whether or not something is a pity for me. That is, of course I think something is a pity if it goes against my wishes or my comfort, but I've never seen much point in dwelling on it.

It became quite clear very quickly that 'self pity' was bad, it was something the adults looked down upon, and soon the children did the same.

To me, however, it seemed as if I couldn't stand on my rights without being accused of having self pity. Furthermore I always have had difficulties with accepting it when I didn't get my way, not least because I always thought I could give very plausible reasons for why I should be humored. - I have to say, that there were times as well, where I've no doubt in my mind that I was being mistreated, and whereas most adults reacted to my "charm" and really liked me, there would be the occasional adult who for some reason came to detest me. And when such an adult had their daily coming and going in a facility where I was an 'inmate', clashes were inevitable.

Such times were the periods that I remember being accused of self pity the best. Somehow this is a very effective tool against a child who won't conform or submit to mistreatment. There were periods where I heard this on a daily basis, and I think it's helped me learn to hide my feelings even when they were appropriate.

But here is what I really think about myself and self pity:

When I am in pain, and if it's strong enough... it really has to be strong in order to override my ability to assert my will and suppress a natural reaction to the pain... there have been times where I could not help but moan. To my eternal dishonest shame, I must admit this has happened to me even as an adult (dishonest because I don't feel any shame. It happened, I move on).

When I was a kid and a teen, such incidents would sometimes make adults conclude I had self pity. They would tell me this, and after having it shoved in my face time after time, year after year, I finally questioned myself and considered the possibility that maybe I did really have self pity?

I asked myself the question directly, which meant I had to define what self pity means first.
So what does self pity mean?

My immediate conclusion would be that it means you think some situation you're in, or something you're experiencing, is sad, or a pity, for you, that it's unfortunate. And in this respect my answer to the question
would be that "Yes!, I sometimes feel self pity, because I do think it's a shame and a pity that I have to go through whatever I must go through.

But that isn't the correct answer, for this isn't the real definition of self pity, it isn't what people mean by the term, and it wasn't what the adults meant when they accused me of having self pity as a child or teenager.

On a few occasions I actually tried saying to an adult: "Yes, I think it's too bad, it's unfortunate; it's really a pity for me!"

I don't remember my words exactly though I probably didn't put it quite like that, but the meaning was the same. Whatever I said, I hardly got to speak out because they didn't accept it at all. Self pity was not about thinking something is a pity.

Self pity is about being in a certain emotional state for an extensive period of time.

This fact used to confuse me. I couldn't understand why the other kids would remain in such a state, often even when there were no adults around who could react to it and try to make their pain go away. So what would anybody gain from being in a permanent state of thinking something is a pity?

Yet I did learn something. I learned how to recognize this emotion in others, and it's very easy to spot. I also learned how compulsive most people tend to be about it, that most people - even when you make them aware of their display of a weakness they think of as shameful and despicable - will not be able to pull themselves out of it, and that gives someone like me a very easy time using it against them.

So yes, I can recognize it when I see it, as I can with most emotions - even those I've never felt myself. But I still don't really understand what people gain from it... except when it is being used to impose on others to also think something is a pity and thus influence them change it for you.

I also still use it myself, for as far as those I use it "against" doesn't recognize or label it as Self Pity. That's another thing: Self Pity isn't just self pity. There's a fine balance between rightful expression of distress, and shameful giving into self pity.

Psychopaths are generally adept at knowing where the line is, and it differs from situation to situation and from individual to individual. Culture, local traditions, and family habits play a role too.

For a while as a kid I was confused about the meaning of self pity and found it odd that the adults, many of whom didn't know each other, would keep making this assumption about me, even as I told them how it really was.

Now, of course, I'm fully aware of the fact that they simply were unable to tell that I really did not encompass this emotion, just like they were unable to tell the same thing with so many other kinds of feelings.

At present the problem seem to have been reversed somewhat: Now it's as if the entire world has decided that psychopaths - and therefore Zhawq - not only do not feel Empathy, Remorse, and a few other emotions, they believe we don't feel anything at all!!

Now there's a new superstition for ya!...


Saturday, May 21, 2011

Psychopathic Emotions. (Part 2)

It was to take place at the hospital where I met the guy (a surgeon, no less) who said "you can't get things out of a computer". I wasn't happy to be send there again (it wasn't my choice, but they've made new laws that have people being send where the hospitals themselves decide. No free choice of hospital, not since the law Free Choice of Hospital was made. You know, just as usual with laws, they create the opposite of what they say, not freedom, but more decisions taken away from you). So I did fear I'd be meeting the same surgeon, since I knew exactly what his decision would be.

It was a surgeon I hadn't met before, and he was refreshingly human. He actually listened to what I told him, but sounded doubtful about whether I should receive surgery. He promised to ask his colleagues (!! Come again? He had to ask his colleagues? Well that's what he said!).

So sometime last week I received the answer. It was a decision made not by the surgeon who saw me, but by a "board". It is no longer the individual surgeon who decides, but the whole goddamn council!! Do my reader see the implications opf this? If one surgeon has deenied a patient, and the patient asks for a second opinion, not only may the patient be send to get a second opinion from the same fucking place where he got the first one, he'll also NOT get a second opinion, for there ARE no second opinions where it's a board who decides. How can a board give a second opinion to their own opinion? Ergo, the concept has no meaning. At least not here.

I can tell the decision was made almost without thought. The 3 lines in the letter didn't even reflect his personality, but was strangely skewed, trying to imply something "we" had spoken about at the consultation while at the same time stating an opinion he had never expressed - but which I knew the other one had expressed 2 years earlier, if not with the same words (he'd been outright rude, this one 'tried' to be civil).

The heart of this whole matter is that it makes me angry beyond imagination. And there's nothing I can do about it! - Yes, I have to make money and go elsewhere to get it done privately, but that only fuels my anger because I know it'll take time. I just lost 200.000,00 last year, and they had taken a long time to make because I've been staying away from crime. - Now I'm supposed to do the same thing again, and spend the whole thing on surgery instead of retirement.

It's at times like these I feel every bit as victimized as any individual neurotypical I may have given a rough time. So they may just sit there and take it when they get treated badly, but why does that mean I have to do the same?

Truth is, of course, this is some strange matter having to do with flawed laws and bad decision making, etc. etc... But it makes me so damned angry that I can't influence my own situation in any way - at least not by legal means.
This anger has kept me up the wall lately. Whenever I've been trying to write my anger have blocked inspiration and made everything loose it's luster. I'm not sure about how I can deal with this, it's the first time I've been defeated in this manner.

I've always said, when people loose heart: "Don't let yourself get beaten, no matter what. There's always a way you can change things, always!"

And of course I still believe there is. I too will find a way. Oh yes, I'll find a way!!... But for now it's ... I don't know. This anger will destroy me, if I don't somehow get over it soon.

And neurotypical people are supposed to feel stronger than I do? How can they live with stronger emotions than mine?

Since I've begun to understand and recognize that I fit the definition of a psychopathic individual I've been looking at neurotypical people in a different way than I used to. For example, earlier today one of my Internet acquaintances send me a link to a Youtube Video feat. William Whitmore, a singer playing his guitar as he sings. He starts the session with a little conversation, his audience is obviously small, it's an intimate kind of performance (not a 10 thousands of people scale performance).
At one point someone in the audience shouts "Fuck the police!", and the singer exclaims back: "Fuck the police!", and the audience cheers.

I can't help wondering: What does he feel when he says that? He doesn't look that different from how I look when I say such things... But I have to conclude he feels either stronger or more varied and different kinds of emotions than I would, or perhaps both?

How can they, the neurotypicals, live with all those emotions tearing at them all at once all the time? Because that is what must be happening if I'm to believe what f.x. Robert Hare keeps claiming in his books and texts, otherwise they'd be just like me, except for being less free to decide which emotions to feel and when. And that is one thing I can easily see they're not. I've always thought that was the only difference: The kinds of feelings we choose to feel, and that they have a more compulsive pattern, which is what I've been using against them, to control them and to defeat them. I've never seen it as a difference in how strong we each feel, and it still seems slightly odd to me that they really should be so full of emotions constantly.

And the complexity thingy... How must it be to have so many different emotions going on at once. Mustn't it be something of a rollercoster to have so many things going on at once, to never have one well defined emotion and that's it, but always several fluctuations of a scale. It must be like never being able to look at one color, because there're always a lot of other colors all at once, mixing up each other. Maybe this is why they're so prone to anxiety and depression. If you heap up multiple colors on top of each other you don't get a rainbow, you get black.

Of course, the point would be that they can have the rainbow. But I can see a rainbow too, I can distinguish the colors in a rainbow, but I don't 'feel' the colors. Do neurotypicals feel what they see? Do they feel something whenever they look at a picture or a situation? Some people are said to feel sad if they see a picture of a starved child. Those people must be living rigid lives, for they can't allow themselves to be exposed to whatever kinds of pictures and emotions may come their way, or they'll feel bad all the time. Maybe that's why most people are so hung up with peace and stability and safety? But if this is how it is, why then don't they arrange their lives so that they get exposed to things that make them happy all day long? I know I would.

Reality is structured in a way that makes constant happiness impossible. Even if they did arrange their lives so that only happy things were part of it, it wouldn't work, because feeling happy is a perspective, and perspectives have no bearing without their opposites. Black is what makes white white, and vice versa.
This is also the reason why the constant attempt to create a perfect society where everybody are happy isn't possible, and the efforts are therefore wasted and even contra-productive.


Friday, May 20, 2011

Psychopathic Emotions. (Part 1)

Childhood is an impressionable time in our lives. We'll never again later in life be as impressionable as we were during our childhood. But every once in a while, when the right constellation of circumstances and emotional susceptibility is present, we can be influenced to a degree that makes a lasting impression and change in our perceptions, in how we see ourselves as well as in how we see others and the world around us.

Sometimes uner such conditions it is the most silly notions that influences us.

For example, during the 1970-es a popular hypothesis was often discussed in the media. It had it that one of the main reasons that people get cancer is that they suppress their emotions, they don't allow themselves to feel what they feel. I'd imagine this is a commonly known concept - the suppression of emotions, that is, not getting cancer because of it.

However, for some reason it became a notion I'd return to whenever I was in a situation where I get overwhelmed by emotion.

"But Zhawq is a psychopath, how can he get overwhelmed by emotion?", you might ask. But there is especially one kind of emotion that can be overwhelming to me at times: Anger.

When I get really angry, and I am in a situation where I know it's a bad idea to show it. Another kind of situation is when I know there is nothing I can do to relieve my anger because it's focus is beyond me reach of influence. That therefore being angry in itself is useless since there's no outlet, no relief, and just feeling it will fuel it further; it's a vicious circle. These are situations where the thought I picked up during the -70s always pops up, and I think: "I could get cancer if I don't find release for this anger!".

Of course I know it's irrational and unfounded, and I know that I am not going to get cancer from suppressed emotions, if for nothing else then because I almost never have any suppressed emotions. I've made sure not to suppress myself altogether, mostly. And the very idea of suppressing oneself seems absurd to me, probably because I've not often been in a situation where I had no other choice. It must be horrible for the many to whom that is the norm, but to me it's slightly funny. And very ridiculous.

But because it's rare for me to not have a way I can relieve my emotions - especially anger and frustration - it's so much more disturbing when it does happen.

There is one issue in my life that has caused this kind of anger more than once. It began about ten years ago, when I was wounded during a fight in prison. I was stabbed at my thigh, and the wound became infected because of the un-sterile conditions at the prison hospital. This was before I joined the psychopathy research program, so it was while I was still in a normal maximum security facility.

The heart of the matter is that the wound, once it finally did heal, created some scar tissue that hinders my free movement slightly. Most people can't see any difference in how I move, but I can certainly feel it and cannot be unaware of it ever. To move normally I have to be conscious about the small of this old scar all the time.

Now there's a Societal Contract in the state where this took place that has it everybody who gets handicapped for whiever reason, may receive treatment and possibly surgery if such can cure the condition. Everybody knows my 'condition' could easily be cured, it could've been prevented altogether! But the useless junkie of a doctor denied me treatment, AND he denied me a second opinion!! This was in direct continuation after I first received the wound, and it went on for a year until I lost consciousness and went into a coma that lasted about 5 weeks. I was lucky to collapse during the hours when prisoners are outside and watched by guards all the time. Had it happened in the night, I'd have probably been dead by now.

I awoke in the prison infirmary, and the doctors there asked me wondering: "Why did you wait so long? You could've died! Surely you must've been in pain?". Oh yes, I'd been in pain alright, but I hadn't waited. I had been stopped and denied the possibility of getting medical help!

Next thing that happened in this cute story was another prisoner had drugs smuggled into the hospital ward and O.D.-ed in the bathroom. That be what it may, I'd have not cared in the least, but the motherfucker blamed it on me! Said I had given him the drugs! And the most funny about all this is that I hadn't even had any visitors, which means I could not have smuggled the drugs in! But the fucking idiots bought it (I knew the warden had a special hatred for me, that was no secret. It was one of these odd cases where someone just hates you from day one, without knowing you at all, and they'll keep hating you no matter what. But that's another story). He took the opportunity to deny me treatment, I was send back the general prison unit again without the surgery I was scheduled for, and was told that I could get the surgery elsewhere, all I need to do was fill in some formula and send it to hospitals around the country, and I'd get a special warrant to go and have it done.

So I began filling out formulae and sending them. I also had friends outside of prison do some research into the matter and learn what they could about what kind of treatment one coul get for this kind of thing, and they found it was being done routinely every day all over the world. I knew that, of course, not from research, but from logic reasoning.

However, I was refused on every single hospital that I petitioned. What was more infuriating was the reasons they gave me. Some of them actually must've thought I was retarded, because their reasons were laughable. I remember one of them denying me treatment, and I asked him to send me this decision in writing. But he said: "I can't send you anything, it's in the computer!". I asked him to send me a copy then. But he answered: "I told you, I can't send you anything, it's inside the computer! You can't get it out, it sits inside! You can't take things out of a computer!"... Right!...

This is the kind of thing I've been met with throughout my prison time.

Then, little more than two years ago, when I was released, I petitioned for a consultation as a free person, sure there'd be no more problems now that I had the same fundamental position as everybody else in society. But to my astonishment it made no difference whatsoever! I was being denied again!!

I immediately started a new petition to another hospital, and the case has been send forth and back and lost and been re-found, basically stalled, until about 10 days ago.

In the meantime, late last month I was at hospital for a few days. It was nothing big, and I knew I'd be out in less than a week. I've been in the same kind of situation numerous times in my life. The new of it all was what I witnessed: An old man, 84, had the very same kind of surgery done that I've been asking for for all these years, PLUS he had knee and double hip surgery ALSO!! He fucking nearly died because it was more than his frail body was meant to handle. But me, a perfect healthy younger man, I can't get even the smaller treatment!!

And then, when I came back home I received an appointment for a new consultation...


Friday, May 13, 2011

Happy Friday The!

I would have written more in-depth about the origin of the Friday The mythology in our culture and it's meaning as a day of Evil and disaster. But I have been met with some rather serious issues in my private life - "stuff" I had to attend to and couldn't put off till later - so I'm giving you a little personal statement instead...


True Evil from a Psychopath's Perspective.

Do you know, when someone is being executed, they have ten men doing the killing. But only one of them actually DOES kill the target, and everybody knows this.
All ten men will perform the killing act, but positioned so that they can't see the target, they can't see him die, and they can't see who among them kills him.

How is that a good idea?

If you don't like the thought of killing someone, you will be haunted for the rest of your life by the thought that you may have done the killing.
If you do like the idea and would like to kill someone, you will forever be nagged by the annoying awareness that maybe you got to do it but not really experience it, nor will you ever know about it. You may have gotten to do something you wanted, and yet never having done it.

All you get in any case - if you're a neurotypical person or at least someone who has a personal relationship with morals and knows the feelings Guilt and Empathy - is the guilt ridden consciousness about maybe having taken someone's life, which is wrong per definition according to the Christian dogma.

At the same time we have the victims with their need for revenge - though they may not be consciously acknowledging this - sitting at home, never getting to get revenge, while a faceless, soulless state does it for them, so they have to be grateful to the state because it saved them and revenged them too. They remain the victims, and they know they still can't defend themselves, they'll be just as helpless should they be targeted again!

The target too gets no opportunity to ease or apologize, or otherwise "give back" what he took. Because he cannot give it to someone that he never wronged or took from, much less since it's an entity that has no personal existence but is faceless, unmovable, untouchable, invisible, truly soulless, relentless, remorseless and apathetic to abuser and victim alike.
So he becomes a victim too, but can't even know his abuser, nor address him.

Everybody loses, except an impersonal state who makes victims of us all and forces even the neurotypical, empathic and normal citizen to become less and less human, and more and more vulnerable, more and more dependent upon life not happening, because they have no way of dealing with it. And impersonal state who has no need for revenge, because it has no feelings and basically doesn't really exist. All it can do is devour the souls of it's subjects, and it does this far more effectively than any psychopath ever could.

In such a world everybody may be equal, but nobody is a winner.

Indeed, everybody loses!...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I'm A Psychopath - This Is How I Lie. (Part 2)

How can this be? ...I think much of the reason for this is a two component factor:

1. We are told from early childhood that if we hit another person, then that person will feel the same discomfort (pain) that we feel when we get hit.

2. We experience over and over that the kinds of behavior and pain infliction that others react to with deep physical or emotional distress, do not have the same effect upon ourselves (psychopaths). And this contradicts what we are told in point 1.

To a child who doesn't react as strongly, emotionally, and very often also not physically, the only sense to make of the contradicting information - that we all experience the same feelings and reactions to the same kinds of stimuli, while we know from personal experience that we do not feel as strongly as we see others express that they do - is to conclude that the others must be exaggerating, and, basically, lying. But what possible reason can one have to make pain seem more severe than it is - especially from a child's point of view - if not hope of gaining the right to compensation from being wronged by the one who inflicted the pain? These are reasonings kids learn early on, and I'm sure almost all children have tried putting on a more heartbroken crying than necessary, simply because they've noticed it tends to make mom much nicer and sweeter for a while. - To a small child this is not callous deception, but it is manipulation! There's no other word for it.

Hence my conclusion that it must be natural when we psychopaths tend to conclude when we're still kids, that others are manipulating the events by pretending to feel worse, or to be in more pain, than we ourselves know we would feel or be in given the same situation, must simply be lies and manipulation. And so the inevitable conclusion from the insistence that we all are and feel the same, says: 'They feel what I, Zhawq, would feel in the same situation. Ergo, they do not feel as bad as they claim to feel!' - It was only late that I found my conclusion to be so obvious not true.

So how do we feel, us psychopaths, when we get hurt or wronged by others? Obviously we feel hurt and wronged too. But we generally don't feel these things to the same extent as others do. And certainly not as lasting!

Our pain lies elsewhere and are linked to different kinds of causes and reactions.

I don't claim to understand this area completely yet, but I am on my way and have gained at least some understanding. F.x., there is no doubt that I know what pain feels like, and that I have experienced it. I have been subjected to pain that made me loose consciousness, and once I regained consciousness the pain was re-inserted and continued until I lost consciousness again. This went on over a period of several weeks.

And it does seem logical to assume that when an individual looses consciousness as a result of physical pain, then that pain must represent in some way the strongest physical pain that individual can experience, and exactly to the point beyond what he can endure; that logically this would have to be the strongest, most intense physically possible for me to experience in that particular constellation, yes?

I also know that other people, who have had similar experiences with being tortured, react very differently to it - after the experience has ended - from how I have reacted, or am reacting. - In fact, even people who have not experienced this, feels stronger fear about it than I do at the thought of such an experience possibly being actualized (possibly happening to them) in the future.

I can't quite explain why there is this difference, except for tentatively with what I've stated above: That psychopaths' experiences of distress seem to be connected to a different type of situations.
I can see, though, that it has nothing to do with us - or me - not having experienced intense physical pain, for I obviously have! It just doesn't deter and scare me the way I find to be so common for others.

It could seem that it is my 'cognitive' emotions that doesn't have the same hyper-reactivity as do they for normal people. That, and the different neuro-psychological focus.

I have to say that to me this does not necessarily mean I'm psychologically pathological (a psychopath). I'm sure there have been people like me at all times and in all cultures. I'm also absolutely convinced we've had very good and beneficial uses for out species. For if we hadn't, we would simply have been mostly non-existent by now. We'd have been isolated and killed and thus not gotten the opportunity to multiply and bring our genes to replicate.

I'll say also, that with only about 1% of 'me', that's a very small percentage when thinking about the uses my kind is likely to have had. But perhaps that's the effect of evolution, as our species with still more and more one-dimensional, and formalistic, versions of human character that are seen as good and acceptable, perhaps we have been diminished over the last (guess:) ca. 2000 years.
Yet, I can't imagine the species' survival without the qualities I represent.

But back to the topic in question...

We may now see a few aspects of what it is that makes psychopaths feel that lying is okay, that it isn't that big of a deal, especially when we find it is useful to do it.

But how do we decide it's a good idea to lie when the gain is clearly secondary seen in proportion with the energy I invest in lying?

There're two aspects in this:

  •  I have good reason to keep up my lying, because it is a practical way of keeping my performing abilities well trained and sharp,... like a singer, who sings also when they're not on stage. They will sing strange tunes that are not songs, and they seem to take a lot of effort. How can that be good? It trains their voice and widens the spectrum of nodes the singer can reach and use to express his interpretation of a small piece of reality - a song, opera, i.e.
  •  We create our reality from moment to moment, and our personality isn't as intricately bound to the social scene on which we interact. Because tomorrow we may be part of a whole new play! Doing well in whichever play we take part in at any given moment is far more important to someone like me, than it would be to remain in the same role play and within the same game world throughout my life.

To me, and to most - if not all - psychopaths I have met or known, it is the same: I am, in a sense, always alone in reality. I can see all you other people, I can interact with you and I generally enjoy doing so, but emotionally I am the only one I can really connect with.

And I'm in permanent contact with me!!


I'm A Psychopath - This is How I Lie. (Part 1)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I'm A Psychopath - This Is How I Lie. (Part 1)

Everybody seem to agree about this: Psychopaths lie... a lot! Sometimes we lie pathologically, which means something like 'we don't have any objectively logical reason to lie, but we do so anyway, and for reasons that are very personal and seemingly almost unfounded.

The term 'Unfounded' doesn't hold any real Meaning to psychopaths. That is, we know pretty much what it means to others, but to us that meaning is false, because in our view, and according to how our minds work, everything can be, be made, or otherwise become - reason enough for lying... or for being verbally or physically abusive, deceitful or hurtful, etc..

We do not have the social normatives to regulate our views of what is more or less reasonable according to how it affects others. We only have one normer: Does it affect ourselves in a way we want it to. If yes, that is all the reason we need or find necessary.

It isn't even necessarily cynicism, as cynicism suggests some original experience, or line of experiences, which led to somebody changing their original perspective. Cynicism is a viewpoint that has an inner perspective component in it's opposite. To be truly cynical, there must be at least some emotional understanding of the implications of the opposite of cynicism.
Now I'm not claiming psychopaths cannot be cynical, or that we can't have had experiences that leads us to decide for cynicism and against sentimentalism. Obviously this is very common for most psychopaths, myself included. And the reason is, of course, that whereas we don't have the ability to feel empathy and remorse, or love (if I understand the concept correctly), we can and do feel a good many other things - and most likely many aspects of emotions and feelings are available to us, which aren't available to others. But that's another discussion.

Since we cannot empathize on the emotional level, we can also not truly feel and see sensibility in taking consequences of our actions towards other people into honest consideration. For us, there are only each of us, individually, and I always have my reasons for lying which make their own internal kind of sense between The Psychopath, Zhawq, and Zhawq, The Psychopath. My lies do truly not necessarily have their Motivation in some prospective monetary gain, or in avoiding negative consequences from speaking truthfully.

It will probably seem very strange, and at first unlikely, that I might choose to lie if doing so can harm someone else, even though I apparently gain nothing else but the possible satisfaction of seeing the results of something I was causing (and indeed, control and power are the most strongly motivating factors to a majority of psychopathic individuals).

But what I'm about to describe is a model for reasoning that is fundamentally different from how the socially, empathically integrated individual reasons. I've explained why we don't use societal normatives for our reasonings, and that it follows as a result that our reasoning follows different logical qualities and objectives. These are based on what can satisfy MY need at the moment, and in that particular situation at that time.

Yet, there are reasons that are not directly linked to power or control - or at least not as an obvious, focused objective that would cause me to lie under corresponding circumstances and from situation to situation, in relation thereto.

First I will mention that it is true that many psychopaths tend to lie as an almost constant, partial, or complete, presence in their interactive social behavior, including in situations when there's really no need to - at least as it will seem from a logical bystander's point of view.
This has something to do with the second sentence I wrote: Our normatives for when a reason for lying is well founded are very different from those of ordinary people.

I described how, to us, there are only one main vector the reasonable momentum of which we measure a reason's weight: Does it help us, or directly lead us, to our objective, which some call the psychopath's immediate 'Gratification'. If yes, then the requirements for 'A Good Reason' are fulfilled, and we can proceed, no matter how minor the gain is in a larger perspective, or how vast the negative impact upon those who get affected by our lies' consequences.

We already know this is connected to our inability to feel empathy (which is different from unwillingness).

But I have just stated that I am fully capable of understanding intellectually exactly what a small, and for myself insignificant, lie under certain circumstances can lead to devastating consequences for others. And yet I do not attempt to not act on such an urge to lie, and I tell you this while adding, that I am STILL not evil or particularly callous as a person.

I will tell you more about how and why - in my understanding - that is, in this article's Part 2.