Friday, April 29, 2011

I Always Win! - Magical Thinking. (Part 1)

Why are psychopaths so hard to defeat?

I will tell you why: It is because in our hearts we always win! No matter the circumstances or the actual outcome. In our heart of hearts, we won! And we always win!

This has to do with another psychopathy trait: Magical Thinking.

Magical Thinking is related to Intellectualizing (I write about it here). Let me illustrate with an example from my own life. The following happened to me only yesterday...

I have experienced one great defeat in my life. Just one - at least of this magnitude. - Okay, that is probably not really true. There have been other great defeats, but as I experience each one it becomes part of the past and the next great endeavor, in my mind, becomes the one and only great defeat - or victory, depending on how it turns out and how well I can turn defeat into victory as the situation unfolds.

I always have something that drives me in my choice of actions and the direction of my focus, something that lends motivation to all the rest. A deep sense of being "meant for more" links my every action with some primordial source of energy that can never run dry.

What I describe here is common for psychopaths like myself. It is also something most of us tread lightly when speaking about, for we know the unfriendly feelings it arises in others when they realize the depth of our contempt for the rights of others.

Even as my conscious mind agrees that I am merely another individual who happens to be stronger than the ordinary person in many respects, I feel somewhere deep down that I am special, and I have always felt that way. No, I'll not sugarcoat it: I know I am special!... And the feeling of being destined for more is one that I readily embrace, for it is within my ability to choose to do so!

Hence my anger knows no bounds if I see the prospect of defeat.
The professionals call it grandiosity.
I call it self awareness.

However, I have found that final defeat will never happen. I will always be victorious, and here is why:

I have gone through years of incarceration under solitary confinement, simply because it was custom practice, I have been subjected to actual physical torture (outside of the prison system), I have been so poor I would only eat every 3rd day, and I have gathered and then lost a small fortune twice to people who abused certain circumstances and broke the law in order to get my money... Not that I had gotten them legally myself in the first place, but to someone like myself that matters little. Because I always feel I have the right to do what I do.

.....

I have killed people basically as an act of experimentation and used it is an outlet for my own frustrations with daily living, and I felt I was completely justified in my right to do what I did.

- And yet, that is not quite the right word, because I felt I didn't need justification. I was right simply because I am who I am.

I am right because I know/knew I serve a greater purpose. - I'm not even sure what purpose that is, but I know it is there. I also know it is a 'good' purpose. Do I know what defines 'good'? No, not really. But I will learn, I have no doubt about that. When or if the time comes, Zhawq will be ready to learn, and he will be ready to take the consequences of what he did.
- But today is not that day, and my fellow human beings are not the ones who can judge me. For they know less than I do.

And here's the catch: What is it that I know?... It is Nothing! I know nothing. It's just a feeling, a very convenient feeling. But it is strong and intoxicating, I don't see myself dropping it anytime soon. - To tell you the truth, I don't think I can drop it. For it is such a deep part of who I am.

And as we know, Zhawq - like psychopaths in general - really likes who he is!...

___

4 comments:

preoccupiedgirl said...

In a different time and place, you might have styled yourself as a prophet. This kind of feeling is likely where religious leaders have (and continue to) draw their strength while constructing a veil of self-sacrifice in front of a sense of destiny that comes from within.

lele said...

Hi Zhawq,

this the first obscure post of yours I've read so far.

You talked about sharing an experience of defeating of yours, but you failed to do so: where are the details? I've been able to empathize (or sympathize, you choose) with all other posts of your I've read so far, but not with this one.

Moreover, you say you feel entitled to an higher calling, and that's fine, but what is such higher calling? If you have no answer, that just makes your self-entitlement look as gratuitous. Considering the extreme experiences you have been through in your life, followed by a lot of thinking, I was expecting by now you had realized what your ultimate goals in life are, hadn't you?

Too much dry reasoning, at least for me.

Peace.

Anonymous said...

Are you quoting Socrates?

"I know nothing" are very powerful words and represent the beginning of understanding and liberation.

His full quote was:

"As for me, all I know is that I know nothing, for when I don't know what justice is, I'll hardly know whether it is a kind of virtue or not, or whether a person who has it is happy or unhappy."


It is the human condition to 'know' and if we don't know then we often fill in the gaps with our judgements, assumptions and wishful (or indeed 'magical' ) thinking etc, but as intelligent as we think we are, there is always something we do not know.

That is not about being humble or modest, I'm not sure you can ascribe a 'feeling' to this but good on you, if you can.

It is just logically acknowledging a fact. And perhaps feeling can come from this.

Anonymous said...

Hey, obviously the previous comment's know nothing of what your talking, because you described it very well. We KNOW as animals living and breathing, we have every right to our actions.
The same as any wild animal does.

It is only when people become "domesticated " that they begin to confuse their reality. AND that, imo, is what sets us apart. Intellectualising the how's and why's will never find the answer. We are a little bit wild, we are the minority that just can't be completely domesticated. Our innate make up is usually at odds with society because we serve our selves and know better than rules. We can and usually do find ways to exchange energy with a society if we are born into one, but we will never be controlled. Having to even temporarily live within societies rules when I don't want to will always feel like a wild animal in a cage. Yes, that's right, FEEL. Take it easy mate