Friday, April 29, 2011
I Always Win! - Magical Thinking. (Part 1)
I will tell you why: It is because in our hearts we always win! No matter the circumstances or the actual outcome. In our heart of hearts, we won! And we always win!
This has to do with another psychopathy trait: Magical Thinking.
Magical Thinking is related to Intellectualizing (I write about it here). Let me illustrate with an example from my own life. The following happened to me only yesterday...
I have experienced one great defeat in my life. Just one - at least of this magnitude. - Okay, that is probably not really true. There have been other great defeats, but as I experience each one it becomes part of the past and the next great endeavor, in my mind, becomes the one and only great defeat - or victory, depending on how it turns out and how well I can turn defeat into victory as the situation unfolds.
I always have something that drives me in my choice of actions and the direction of my focus, something that lends motivation to all the rest. A deep sense of being "meant for more" links my every action with some primordial source of energy that can never run dry.
What I describe here is common for psychopaths like myself. It is also something most of us tread lightly when speaking about, for we know the unfriendly feelings it arises in others when they realize the depth of our contempt for the rights of others.
Even as my conscious mind agrees that I am merely another individual who happens to be stronger than the ordinary person in many respects, I feel somewhere deep down that I am special, and I have always felt that way. No, I'll not sugarcoat it: I know I am special!... And the feeling of being destined for more is one that I readily embrace, for it is within my ability to choose to do so!
Hence my anger knows no bounds if I see the prospect of defeat.
The professionals call it grandiosity.
I call it self awareness.
However, I have found that final defeat will never happen. I will always be victorious, and here is why:
I have gone through years of incarceration under solitary confinement, simply because it was custom practice, I have been subjected to actual physical torture (outside of the prison system), I have been so poor I would only eat every 3rd day, and I have gathered and then lost a small fortune twice to people who abused certain circumstances and broke the law in order to get my money... Not that I had gotten them legally myself in the first place, but to someone like myself that matters little. Because I always feel I have the right to do what I do.
I have killed people basically as an act of experimentation and used it is an outlet for my own frustrations with daily living, and I felt I was completely justified in my right to do what I did.
- And yet, that is not quite the right word, because I felt I didn't need justification. I was right simply because I am who I am.
I am right because I know/knew I serve a greater purpose. - I'm not even sure what purpose that is, but I know it is there. I also know it is a 'good' purpose. Do I know what defines 'good'? No, not really. But I will learn, I have no doubt about that. When or if the time comes, Zhawq will be ready to learn, and he will be ready to take the consequences of what he did.
- But today is not that day, and my fellow human beings are not the ones who can judge me. For they know less than I do.
And here's the catch: What is it that I know?... It is Nothing! I know nothing. It's just a feeling, a very convenient feeling. But it is strong and intoxicating, I don't see myself dropping it anytime soon. - To tell you the truth, I don't think I can drop it. For it is such a deep part of who I am.
And as we know, Zhawq - like psychopaths in general - really likes who he is!...