Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Having The Stomach For It.

Not all psychopaths are violent, and only few kill. However, I am one of those who have been violent, and who have killed. - As early as I can remember, I've had an attraction towards everything that's got to do with violence, torture and murder. As a kid I loved all that kind of 'shit'. As an adult I've done plenty of them all (and payed the price too in terms of prison time).

I have mentioned in earlier articles that I have not only strong Factor 1. traits, but I also have strong Factor 2. traits - that is, I have strong Antisocial tendencies.

Vlad Tepes held Picnics in his own Custom Made Forest made of Human Victims on Stakes.

I read a couple of biographic texts about Vlad Tepes Dracul - or Dracula, as we know his name today. One of the things that stood out in the authors' perception was how strange it seemed to them that Tepes could sit calmly and eat lunch while being surrounded by tortured victims, some of whom were dead and some of whom were still alive and whimpering or screaming.

I must've been about 13 the first time when I read a text where this was emphasized, and I decided to check it out for myself whenever I got the opportunity, just to see how it would affect me to eat while being surrounded by, or otherwise watching, people being tortured and killed.

But before I got that far, I remembered that I'd already done this very thing in our own living room, while watching scenes of this nature on TV. And that was one of the first times that I realized I was reacting differently to this kind of thing than how normal, neuro-typical people react to the same.

It was also one of the first times that I learned about how my behavior looked in the eyes of other people. In fact, I'd been eating loads of food while watching violent scenes, people getting beat up, documentaries from grizzly war scenes photographed in Vietnam and elsewhere.

After that realization I've been very careful with eating in front of TV if there're others in the room with me.

But if I'm alone I still eat whatever I like.

After I became a young adult I've had the opportunity to perform the test I planned to back then, and I've done so several times. It stopped being a test already the first time I did it, as it was completely obvious that it meant nothing to me whether or not I eat during such incidents - except for it being not very practical during the more active parts of the events.

It's not that I get any special pleasure from eating while seeing people suffer, I just don't connect the two things.

My Stomach is absolutely fine with torture and murder.



Anonymous said...

Heh, you certainly do pick some good topics that some people never seem to touch on!

"How can you eat that while this is going on?" is something I've heard before, also, "How can you watch that while easting?".

And I've done the eating and the doing of related things at the same time too, if I'm hungry enough :P Practical to a fault.

Personally though, I like to smoke/coffee it up when it's a matter of action. Focuses the mind, tastes good (if you like those tastes) and heightens the task at hand, or at least, I think it heightens my focus.

Zhawq said...

Funny about the cigarettes and coffee... They both don't do much to my concentration or focus at all. Never did. I used to wonder why people attributed those qualities to these things.
I know, nicotine and caffeine are supposed to do that.

The only actually effect I can get from either is if I smoke or drink too much cigarettes/coffee. I can overdo it to the point where I get sick, but until that state, nothing.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you ingest more nicotine and caffeine than me. What's your daily dose?

ZKM said...

Have you always been drawn to violent images? if so, why? I always have and I'm curious. I can't explain why violence has always been so intertwined with my psyche. Logically, I'm not sure it makes sense. I am generally apathetic in most aspects of my life, so why should it matter if an image is violent or if it is not?

I think it is something animalistic and not quite fit for explanation. An anomaly I have noticed is the... nervousness? People seem to have toward me until I have the chance to charm them. Like their natural response to me, no matter if I'm smiling, laughing or telling jokes, is an almost subconscious weariness. Like how people can inexplicably tell when they're being watched.

I've had many discussions where people have admitted to me that they were scared of me before they 'got to know' me. I always ask them, exasperatedly, "What? Why!?" and they answer predictably "I don't know." I am often, very nice in my social interactions. That subtle 'fear' though, is a valuable tool I believe many psychopaths use to control situations. It is not an overbearing "RUN!" kind of fear, just a very subconscious, feeling, that whispers 'danger' in a way that doesn't startle, but encourages acquiescence.

Have you ever experienced this phenomena?