Monday, April 4, 2011
Boredom vs. Needing Inspiration?
I've always taken pride in being able to tell people I don't know what Boredom feels like, because I never get bored. NEVER!
I don't remember when, but at some point when I was a child I was told that intelligent people never get bored because they always know how to find something to do. And I tuned right into that. Zhawq certainly knew how get entertained, and truth be told, I certainly did.
The entertainment I sought wasn't always what others would call agreeable, in fact it seldom was. And more often than not it would the kind of entertainment that only I found amusing, but then, I really found it amusing.
Boredom?... Not THIS psychopath!... Zhawq does NEVER get bored!
So when I once overheard the staff in a correctional facility for children talk about 'How do we keep Zhawq occupied so the other children can get more space?', and 'Zhawq's recurrent boredom is a problem!', etc., I was dumbfounded.
Me, bored? But I was NEVER bored!
Later I would hear the same kind of remarks read aloud when my first diagnosis was being proclaimed for me, and I would find it yet again later on in my journal papers that no one thought I had access to, on a pre-release trip from jail when I served my first sentence.
This kind of thing used to infuriate me when I was younger. To me it was as if they were saying I was stupid, unintelligent and had no wit or sense of how to entertain myself.
I knew better. - I knew exactly how to entertain myself, and I became better at it for every day, every week and every month. By the year I would become so good at it it eventually got me in trouble such which I had never anticipated. But I could deal with that too.
When I was in Solitary Confinement in prison ... a practice that was common at the time - one needed not have done anything wrong, and all newly arrived went into isolation at least for the first month or three - I got through that with surprising ease... Not without Restlessness or without feeling Uninspired, but I never reacted in ways that I've seen - and heard - others do.
The words: Uninspired and Restless, they describe very well what I call that which I understand professionals call Boredom.
To them it looks like I am easily bored, but to me it looks very, very differently.
They think I get bored easily because I have a shallow emotional life and need a stronger impact from sensations because of this. - I understand what they mean - that is, now I do. But I certainly couldn't always see it!
Since I have never had more or deeper emotions than I do now, and since I can't feel what others feel and therefore also can't really know if they have more or deeper feelings than I do (though of course I can easily tell they have DIFFERENT feelings than I do - I mean, I've been using that very fact against my surroundings for as long as I can remember), there is no way that I can tell truly if my feelings are not as deep or strong felt than those of normal, empathic people.
I'm learning these days, as I write this blog I am learning, and studying these things. But this is a very recent thing.
I always saw myself as a very deep person indeed, so deep in fact, that I was capable of encompassing emotional content that others couldn't bear!
So when I could actively inflict pain on others, physically and mentally, in ways that I understand few can imagine - I've always thought my ability to not only do so, but to also take various forms of pleasure in doing it, that had to be because I felt more and deeper, and all in all I had to simply be most people's superior, emotionally, as well as intellectually - generally speaking, at least - and even physically - also generally speaking.
Hence I could never quite grasp that recurring notion coming from professionals, the clinical psychologist and psychiatrist staff. It just never made any sense... until recently when I began reading further into what psychopathy is when viewed from their perspective.
I have found it's a lot about words, about how we describe ourselves and how others describe us.
What they call 'Zhawq gets easily bored', I call 'I have a greater Need for Inspiration'.
And indeed a lot of the words I see used about psychopaths such as myself are somewhat heavily loaded with emotional content, and most of it is not flattering in the least. I can't help but sometimes thinking it cuts me of...
Then again, that's another construct on my part.
I almost lied to my readers there - and that's something I have to be en garde about all the time. I will tell you about this another time. For now, please accept my apology!
To tell you the truth, seeing how empathic people describe psychopaths such as myself, interests and amuses me.