Saturday, April 30, 2011

I Always Win - magical Thinking. (Part 2)

Once past a prior major defeat I cannot again see it as thus. The moment I face defeat my mental approach changes the whole perspective of the event, and what lies ahead becomes my new aim, my new potentially greatest ever defeat, or victory as it may be. And that is why I say now: Only once have I faced a situation where I was absolutely certain that this would represent my final defeat.
I had almost convinced myself that if I could not have my way with this one thing I wouldn't want to live. This is something I've tried to convince myself about before, though in a different manner, when I once spend several months attempting to 'impersonate' depression. I tried to make myself depressed by persistently imagining the emotion. This time it was cancellation of my life I'd had in mind. I will not go into specifics about the subject of my battle, but I will say enough to give you an idea about the nature of it all. - Trying to get my diagnosis recanted last year was part of this plan that I aimed at getting my way with no matter what.


Yesterday I was at a meeting where the main part of it all would be decided.

When I prepared to go in the morning, drinking a cup of coffee before I left my house, I thought that I should be nervous, but I wasn't. Having forced hearings multiple times over the last ten years, I knew my odds weren't good, but that's something that has never held me back or stopped me from pursuing my goals. And this time I actually had the benefits of being able to afford a good lawyer, one who might even be able to steer the whole meeting around my diagnosis so that it wouldn't get in the way in terms of how the panel viewed my case and petition.

He called me 45 min prior to the time we should be there as I had asked him to do, and he was more nervous than I have ever been. This was my doing also. I had prepared him mentally, making sure to 'install' in his mind the sense of urgency about this project that I couldn't feel myself. And knowing he did his best performances when he had invested emotionally on a personal level in a case and, therefore, was nervous knowing a lot was at stake, this is how I made sure it was with how he felt about my case.


At the meeting my lawyer did his best, which wasn't the best. But that was okay, because the others present at the hearing were open to me, so I pretty much took over from the beginning, giving my lawyer subtle cues when I needed him to point something out I didn't have the professional position to state or claim myself.

Still, as the hearing proceeded it became clear that what I have been working so hard at getting realized and 'blue-stamped' would never come to pass. It would be denied for reasons I could not have anticipated, because I didn't have the data to found such knowledge upon.

I knew it would end badly, because my performance, my facial expressions and body posture, etc., were perfect and would have created a different response if the result had been success, and I also knew I would, finally, have been successful had it not been for those new details that I didn't know about. Two years ago those details wouldn't have made an obstacle, but now they did because of a certain impact that time itself has on this type of situation.

As I write this rage begins to build again!...

It rises, because I know that my petition - which would now be denied - could've been carried through, so many times before over the last 10 years... and easily so in the first years... yet it has being denied me each and every time... all until now. And now I would at last actually have been successful.

But I will not allow anger to get hold on me. It is done, it is in the past, and I must look ahead...


As me and my lawyer drove away after the meeting I knew I had been defeated. The battle I've been fighting on an ongoing basis for ten years - and which has been my main focus as it's success formed the basis of my future line of action - has finally given a result, an ending that carried one message: Defeat. We headed back towards my apartment in his comfortable Mercedes (great car!) and stopped a couple of times on the way for a cup of coffee and a smoke, and I kept playing the role of someone who had been defeated.

But all the while my mind was already pondering the prospects and possibilities of my "new" situation: How can I use this? How can this new scene be used to my advantage?

And by the time I got home and closed to door behind me I knew how it was, I knew that in my heart I felt: I am NOT defeated!... As the Afternoon drew near the time when it transitions into Evening, I knew I had not been even close to true defeat on this day. In fact, I have never been close to true defeat. As I write this I know how it is. And it is simple, yet so incomprehensible to most people...

I cannot BE defeated!! ... I will always be the Winner in my own game... That, which we call Life!

I also realize that this is not unique for myself as a person, as I used to believe. It is in fact something I share with psychopaths in general ... at least with psychopaths of my type, or category, but I suspect it is common for psychopaths of most categories. And it stems from that trait I mentioned in this article's Part 1: Magical Thinking. Magical thinking is an incredibly powerful phenomena...

I cannot become depressed. I do not become nervous, even if I try to. - Anger, rage, and frustration, yes. Indeed. But I will win eventually! If not by what I've been trying to do in regard to yesterday's hearing, then by other means. And you better believe it: I will win! 


I am a Winner!
I have always been a Winner!
Every Defeat I encounter, I turn into Victory!
I cannot be defeated!
I will win!

I am a Winner!

Zhawq, April 2011


Read Part 1


Friday, April 29, 2011

I Always Win! - Magical Thinking. (Part 1)

Why are psychopaths so hard to defeat?

I will tell you why: It is because in our hearts we always win! No matter the circumstances or the actual outcome. In our heart of hearts, we won! And we always win!

This has to do with another psychopathy trait: Magical Thinking.

Magical Thinking is related to Intellectualizing (I write about it here). Let me illustrate with an example from my own life. The following happened to me only yesterday...

I have experienced one great defeat in my life. Just one - at least of this magnitude. - Okay, that is probably not really true. There have been other great defeats, but as I experience each one it becomes part of the past and the next great endeavor, in my mind, becomes the one and only great defeat - or victory, depending on how it turns out and how well I can turn defeat into victory as the situation unfolds.

I always have something that drives me in my choice of actions and the direction of my focus, something that lends motivation to all the rest. A deep sense of being "meant for more" links my every action with some primordial source of energy that can never run dry.

What I describe here is common for psychopaths like myself. It is also something most of us tread lightly when speaking about, for we know the unfriendly feelings it arises in others when they realize the depth of our contempt for the rights of others.

Even as my conscious mind agrees that I am merely another individual who happens to be stronger than the ordinary person in many respects, I feel somewhere deep down that I am special, and I have always felt that way. No, I'll not sugarcoat it: I know I am special!... And the feeling of being destined for more is one that I readily embrace, for it is within my ability to choose to do so!

Hence my anger knows no bounds if I see the prospect of defeat.
The professionals call it grandiosity.
I call it self awareness.

However, I have found that final defeat will never happen. I will always be victorious, and here is why:

I have gone through years of incarceration under solitary confinement, simply because it was custom practice, I have been subjected to actual physical torture (outside of the prison system), I have been so poor I would only eat every 3rd day, and I have gathered and then lost a small fortune twice to people who abused certain circumstances and broke the law in order to get my money... Not that I had gotten them legally myself in the first place, but to someone like myself that matters little. Because I always feel I have the right to do what I do.


I have killed people basically as an act of experimentation and used it is an outlet for my own frustrations with daily living, and I felt I was completely justified in my right to do what I did.

- And yet, that is not quite the right word, because I felt I didn't need justification. I was right simply because I am who I am.

I am right because I know/knew I serve a greater purpose. - I'm not even sure what purpose that is, but I know it is there. I also know it is a 'good' purpose. Do I know what defines 'good'? No, not really. But I will learn, I have no doubt about that. When or if the time comes, Zhawq will be ready to learn, and he will be ready to take the consequences of what he did.
- But today is not that day, and my fellow human beings are not the ones who can judge me. For they know less than I do.

And here's the catch: What is it that I know?... It is Nothing! I know nothing. It's just a feeling, a very convenient feeling. But it is strong and intoxicating, I don't see myself dropping it anytime soon. - To tell you the truth, I don't think I can drop it. For it is such a deep part of who I am.

And as we know, Zhawq - like psychopaths in general - really likes who he is!...


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Brave New World Disorder.

I realized that for most people today Empathy is just as real as Angels and Succubi were a few hundred years ago (and from then on contiuing non-stop down backwards through time and history. The length of time we've been living without the ability to see and hear supernatural beings, is like a tenth of a second in comparison to the combined history of mankind, all the rest of which have included supernatural experiences as a commonplace natural part of the human experience.

- If anybody 500 years ago had proclaimed: "C'mon, you don't really believe in that!... It's mere fantasy, those who say they've seen an angel are lying! Everybody knows angels don't exist!", they'd have been put through a process of evaluation by ministers, preachers and a doctor or two. And at the end it would've been concluded that clearly here was an individual who lacked perhaps the one most central, important, and defining ability and experience of the humankind.

There would be a number of years where people generally didn't believe that a person who had never seen an angel really existed.
But at some point another, and then another, would appear, and eventually it would be established that there is a very small minority of the human species who lack the most central human trait: The ability to see and communicate with god, our creator.

It would give cause for great furore. Most people would go through states of shock, fear or even terror, deep sadness for the poor person who lacked the most human trait of all. But he would obviously have certain characteristics in how he spoke, how he behaved, and his whole world view would be twisted and bizarre as a consequence of that missing component.
Someone who had never seen god, or even an angel or just a small elemental - would of course be prone to excessive pride and self confidence. The humility would be absent or displayed in an oddly edgy, rocky manner, somehow out of tune with everything around him, but only slightly enough for others to find it hard to pin point what it was about him that gave the strange, unsettling sensation.

Worst of all would it be on Sundays and holidays where this person would have to go through the rituals procedures by faking everything, since to him it would seem as if he was talking to the air and he wouldn't hear the answer that everybody else could hear. He would have to fake and make it seem as if he experienced the same religious event as everybody else.

And most of these rare individuals would be incredibly good at presenting a perfect, flawless version of religious experience. They might be taken for saints, had it not been because they had already been diagnosed with religiopathty, and once everybody had taught themselves what to look for, everybody became religiopath spotters and shared their knowledge and experiences with religiopaths - one's story more horrific than the other one's. Most every circus in town would have shows about reliopaths who defiantly told god he was boring and untalented, and that he was so insignificant that to the religiopath he might as well not be there at all. The religiopath character would perform convincingly thrilling scenes where they actually turned so they stood with their backs towards god!! - The crow gasped every time when the moment came and the actor with expressive pride and defiant daredevilish spleen slowly turned his face towards the public, away from the wooden staff which held the role of god (no one would dream of creating god's actual image, of course, and much less take his place and say his words!! Sacrilege is not the commonplace thing of this period).

Once, just as the actor had turned most of his lower torso towards the public, away from the wooden staff version of god, and then with an especially well performed move made the final turn in one swirling move, the sower's wife fainted and wouldn't be awoken for more than an hour.

Bards sang about religiopaths and their discussions with god, arguing "You're not there, god!" as they looked him straight in the eye.. how did they dare!!??... The song was soon on every bard's repertoire, and within the beginning of the following year the song had been reworked into countless versions, many of which were locally attached and became vehicles for local lore.

It was soon discovered that religiopaths had a very evil attraction towards entities of older times - before god came and cleansed the world, wiped it clean for all living entities that were not of god. It was a good place now. Clean. No filthy. lowly, decadent and corrupting presence of living awareness and personality where ever one went. It was a practice that would fine tuned until there was only god left, and eventually even he died.. slowly tuning out over a couple of hundred years.

And this is where we meet the beginning of our own era!...

God was dead, and so were almost every other living supernatural entity. Life and the seasons, the cycles and turning of tides fell into a state where they were at the complete mercy of chance, coincidence and accident - plus of course Ill Fortune. Destiny was gone too, and so the whole world became unstable and prone to imbalance. The human race suffered.

The human race suffered for many, many generations. Until they had suffered for so long they couldn't remember ever having experienced life in any other way. And it was during this era that a certain type of leaders, artists, creators, spiritualists, entertainers, coaches and life guardians as well as property guardians turned up everywhere. And everywhere they came there would be three months of incredible joy, followed by one months of deep pain and depression.

The human species is selfish and childish, basically bad which is why they need god - or someone else, if god is absent, during his absence, to guide and teach and dominate and abuse, and so on.

But before that became reality, the preachers who spread limitless joy for three months and bottomless pain for one month after that, were hated and publicly scapegoated. Nobody mentioned the fact that they gave three times joy for each tear. This was the age of selfish immaturity, and people everywhere demanded and shouted, and insulted and refused, and vandalized, and things became a horrific scene to watch.

If it hadn't been for the Chosen One-In-Threes, who were born by a goddess, and who's father is said to be the first of the line that eventually bred Leonardo Da Vinci, and another quite convincing source has it that their first in line of ancestry was the for father in direct lineage to Machiavelli. - But everybody know there have been many semi-gods and god-sons, and titans, etc. - Jeanne d'Arc was found to having been planned to become the materialized representation for the prophesies that taught the coming of the Chosen One-In-Threes - those whom we today know under the term Psychopaths - and their two variations: Sociopaths and Antisocial Personality Disordered - the human species would have been extinct a long, long time ago.

Nobody remember precisely how it happened, but everybody know it was the one-in-threes who saved the world at the very point when it was about to be propelled straight into Judgment Day, with the purpose of creating a new, different globe with a completely different species.

But the One-In-Threes, who had never become vengeful and hating no matter how bad they were spoken about, or how strong expressions of Disgust they were made subject of. They didn't change their mood or view in the very least but kept a godly calm as the masses wrinkled their noses, lifted their eyebrows and lifted their upper lip so as to expose their teeth. When alone, the threes would laugh a mild laughter when they spoke about the odd results of the masses' attempts at showing their disgust.

When questioned years later if they'd not felt hurt and become bitter and vengeful in the least, they calmly proclaimed with a mild smile: "Oh, but it was so kind of them to put all that energy into letting us have fun. There were thousands of faces, one more funny than the next". - It is said one of the threes chuckled ever so softly when this was said.

Yes, that was - some of - the story about the chosen ones who are called psychopaths today. Psycho is a reference to god being in every man's head. Religion is dead, and so is Religio which means Complete or absolute Emotion, given totally into complete emotion.

But today no one really has emotions. Our aristocracy has become so tainted no one can tell if anybody has any royal blood. So the power has been dealt equally between the millions of individuals, and that's why there is so much dispute. Everybody are preoccupied with getting some power exercised.

It has gone so far that even the line of psychopaths has become tainted. Just take Adolf Hitler. But today most psychopaths have given up on the human race. A few have been so corrupted the begot sons and daughters with an alien snake race. This escapade has given rise to an evil rumor: That all psychopaths are evil snake scale aliens and members of a New Universal Disorder. It is, of course, pure and clear fantasy. There were only (ONLY!!) 13 psychopaths who got offspring with the alien scale species. But some people just have to weave fantastic psychotic extreme stories from the thinnest of foundations.

I'm afraid that's all there is to say. The masses have gone crazy. They insist that they feel something called empathy, and something called Remorse - plus something called Guilt (no one have been able to find an explanation that can tell us what the difference between the two is. It seems to mostly a matter of ritual. Both terms must be included, and it is treason to mention that they have the same meaning.

Yes, it's all falling apart. People see the psychopaths have given up, and this causes them to regress into an even earlier childlike state. It is now very common to find a variety of slanderous descriptions that aim at making it mandatory that all human beings MUST have the same set of feelings and emotions, and in the same degree, based on the same characteristics, etc. etc..
The plan is to build one giant mill that can produce complete copies of billions of human beings., They will have traits that make them capable and willing to live their lives standing up shoulder to shoulder, and never will they feel the smallest tendency towards aggression. Everybody will love everybody else, - it;s going to be easy, there's only one's own version, which is perfect and capable only of empathic love. No one will ever kill or raise their voice. How will they conquer the universe, you ask?
Why they will overwhelm everything in their way by their sheer number and - most of all - with their love. They will love and pity people to death.

One will have to be very brave in the new world disorder.

Brave New World disorder!...


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Do Psychopaths Know They're Psychopaths?

People ask me: "How do you know you are a psychopath?"

I was officially given the psychopathy diagnosis when I went to prison for murder the first time at the age of 18. But I didn't take the diagnosis serious, I didn't believe in it, because like most people at the time I didn't know what it means to be a psychopath.

Today, most of the psychopaths who can read and who have access to general information via the media know what they are.
But it wasn't always like this.

I have wondered by myself many, many times: What am I?

I knew I was different from other people, but I thought I was different in a good way, and in my heart I still think so. I've always thought of myself as a good person, and all I knew about psychopaths was what 'everybody' think they know about psychopaths.

So what is it that we all think we know about psychopaths? What do we think psychopathy is?

We think psychopaths are bad, they're mad, crazy, they're psychotic and maybe even schizophrenic, they're evil simpletons and brutes who can't behave or talk civilized, and they spend their lives surfing porn on the Internet, or - when in prison - covering their bodies with crude home made tatoos, and of course they drink excessively, they commit murder for 50 bucks, and are petty criminals or serial killers.

Those are things we all think we know about psychopaths. What I don't know is that whereas there are indeed psychopaths like that, the majority are very different. Most psychopaths are not the psychotic gangster stereotypes most people are accustomed to believe that we are.

But the common idea about what a psychopath is do also influence what psychopaths themselves believe a psychopath to be, and this is one of the main reasons that many psychopaths aren't aware that they are psychopaths - or at least they weren't until recently.

Few people think of themselves as common brutes and petty thieves, and that is no different for psychopaths. Furthermore, most psychopaths probably really do not fit this stereotype. I certainly never did.

Another common misconception is: 'Psychopaths are Evil'. Sure, psychopaths do things that many will think of as evil, but in the sentiment 'psychopaths are evil' lies a subtle implication that they're decisively evil, that evil is what they have chosen to be.

Psychopaths rarely think of themselves as evil. And if they do, what being evil is to us often doesn't mean the same as it does to most people. This is part of the paradox that surrounds psychopathic individuals, we don't have the same emotional attachment to ideas and concepts that do neurotypical (normal) people and because of this we often form models of reasoning that are different from the norm. It doesn't mean we're insane, but it means our values are detached from average systems of mores.

Virtually all psychopaths know early on in life that they're different from other people. We know we're different, but we don't know exactly how or what it means.
One of the first things we notice about ourselves is that we tend to not react emotionally the same way that others do. We tend to be less afraid than others. Other kids, and even adults, become afraid of things that to us are intriguing or fascinating, and we very quickly realize that remaining calm when others are afraid very often is an advantage.

We also very soon get the impression that all the feelings, such as love and empathy, guilt and remorse, seem to be mere constructs that the adults try to force us to feel, but which to us really do not exist. We see adults and kids display these emotions on a daily basis, and we're expected to display them also, abut all we can do is pretend and pretending we find is easy to do, everybody believes us while as we're simply merely faking it. Nobody seems to acknowledge that empathy isn't real, so we assume everybody are doing what we are doing: Faking their emotions.

Of course most psychopaths do realize at some point that all the emotions that aren't real to us are indeed very real to others, but this doesn't change the fact that we cannot feel them. It also doesn't change the fact that we are expected to feel them, or that if we don't we'll see ourselves punished in one way or another, so we quickly learn that faking is better than being honest. Perhaps this is where all the psychopath's manipulation takes it's beginning? I don't know, but it's at least worth considering.

We've always been told that adults know everything, but we find that they don't know the difference between faking and actually feeling something, so we grow suspicious. Maybe the adults don't know everything after all?

The world reveals itself as an arena where the strong, those who have control over their emotions and who don't feel the emotions that seems to only weaken others, are kings and queens. Psychopaths become adept at reading others very early on in life - if we have the opportunity to observe others, that is. If we're packed away in an institution throughout childhood and early adolescence we're more likely to grow up relying on physical violence. Like other people, not all psychopaths have the same opportunities in life, and for some there's only a life as small time criminal's way out of crushing boredom.

Whether or not a psychopath realize that he or she is a psychopath also depends upon social and cultural background. Where I come from I may have heard the word psychopath before I turned 18, but after I received my diagnosis the first time I only checked up on what it meant twice, and I was never told what it meant. I learned a bit by reading two outdated books on clinical psychiatry. One was written by the principal of the most notorious prison in the state where all the criminally insane, and therefore also the diagnosed psychopaths, are kept. The other was a scholarly book about psychiatric diagnoses in general. But neither book described psychopathy in a way that allowed me to recognize myself in any of it.

It wasn't until about a year ago when I began keeping this blog that I took up the research again, this time with a more serious intention of finding out what it really means to be a psychopath. I wanted to understand why I've been given a psychopathy diagnosis, and luckily there have been written more realistic - if still somewhat dark - descriptions of psychopathy within the last two or so decades, in online accessible articles as well as in books. Furthermore there have been a small handful of psychopaths who share their thoughts and experiences.

So to the question: Do psychopaths know they're psychopaths?, I guess the answer is yes, but it is also no. Some psychopaths know they're psychopaths while others do not.

Though there may be psychopaths who don't know they're different from the norm, I'll dare the claim that the vast majority certainly do know, and we have a good idea about how we're different though it's also a learning process. If we haven't read or been told about the meaning of the term Psychopath, we have no way of knowing that this is what we are except by chance and comparison.

Other than that it is safe to say that over the last decade or so there has been a growing attention on psychopathy. Where psychopaths used to be mentioned by the use words that mainly describe our behavior, the word psychopath has now become more commonly used in connection with behaviors and traits that we recognize as descriptive characteristics in our personality.

And that is why psychopaths in recent years have become more commonly aware that they are psychopaths, just as normal people are beginning to become more aware about what a psychopath is. The information is communicated via the media, we hear friends or family discuss the subject, or we find out about it via other sources such as books or movies.

We (psychopaths) are presently becoming much more aware of ourselves than ever before, and we're aware about the fact that 'what we are' has a special position in the public mind, in modern society... A position that may have been altered with the changes through time within history and modern culture. Research is being done and new things learnt as we speak, this is an intriguing time where so much is awaits for us to explore new possibilities, invent new terminologies and apply better and more useful descriptions for it all.

As for now...

I know there is a name for what I am: Psychopath.

I see a tendency towards more psychopaths also beginning to come forward and being open about what they are... mainly via ways of the Internet, which is understandable.
And I'll will be following the progress in the coming years with great interest.


Monday, April 18, 2011

Female Psychopaths - Meet Toxy!

I'm a woman, and I'm a Psychopath!

I was diagnosed at the age of 18 - like our host. I'm proud of being me! Damn proud! And I'm tired of stereotypes, so guess what: I'm breaking out!

I'm going big, guys! Or I'm heading big, anyway!... And I know I've got what it takes!...

I think it's time I introduce a friend and female psychopath: 

Meet Toxy!

Hello everybody, I'm Zadie... But I go by the name Toxy.

- Yeah, you can call me Toxy.

I'm a woman, and I'm a psychopath....A diagnosed psychopath at that. Yep, it's all true.

I was diagnosed at the age of 18 - like him over there, your host, Zhawq. Indeed, we're two of a kind if there ever were such a thing amongst psychopaths.

The following excerpt from the book 'Snakes in Suits' by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D., and Paul Babiak, Ph.D, says it all sooo very well about female psychopaths. In a nutshell, it is a description me!
And I'll say it like it is: I'm proud of what I am, I'm proud of being me! Damn proud! And I'm tired of being strung up by stereotypes, so guess what, guys and gals: I'm breaking out! - Don't get me wrong, I can be nice as a kitten when it suits my fancy... or a good purpose - My purpose!... But it's time that we women get out there and shape a bit of what's our pie too, and I'm gonna have my piece! You better believe it!

You'll be hearing more from me, guys!...


"Why aren't there any female psychopaths," an interviewer asked one of the authors. The fact that she could ask such a question reflects a curious wrinkle on sexism: the view, held by many people, that relatively few female psychopaths exists in society--or even prisons--and that those who do exist differ in fundamental ways from their male counterparts.
     The issue is clouded by sex-role biases in the diagnosis of the disorder. Thus, when a female and a male each exhibit a psychopathic pattern of core personality traits--grandiose, egocentric, selfish, irresponsible, manipulative, deceitful, emotionally shallow, callous, and lacking in empathy, remorse, and guilt--a clinician will often diagnose the male as apsychopath (or antisocial personality disorder) and the female as something else, usually histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder.

In each case the clinician's diagnosis is influenced by expectations of how psychopaths should behave. That is, the clinician expects psychopaths to be tough, dominant, and aggressive, and a woman who does not project these characteristics therefore is not a psychopath. What the clinician fails to understand is that the behaviors of male and female psychopaths, like those of most other people, are shaped by the sex-role stereotypes cultivated by society. The same underlying personality structure may find different behavioral and social expression.
     Although the process of socialization fails to embed in the psyche of psychopaths the network of inner controls we refer to collectively as conscience, it nevertheless makes them aware of society's expectations about sex-roles, of what is expected of them as men and women. More than most people, they effectively use these expectations as potent tools for manipulation. So a female psychopath might make full use of the passive, warm, nurturing, and dependent sex-role stereotype in order to get what she wants out of others, just as a male psychopath might use a macho image, intimidation, and aggression to achieve satisfaction of his desires.
     Female psychopaths effectively use society's expectations about female behavior to their own advantage. But, more than most women, they also are able to break out of the traditional sex-role stereotypes, to go beyond conventional boundaries. This is readily apparent among female offenders, where the prevalence of psychopaths is almost as high as it is among male offenders. The variety an severity of criminal acts performed by these women, as well as their capacity for cold-blooded violence, are similar to those committed by their male counterparts.
     Sex-role stereotypes about the behavior of women are changing rapidly. In a sense, the public is just catching up with a reality that long has been recognized by writers and those in the entertainment business. Female psychopaths frequently are well portrayed in fiction, true-crime books, television, and movies.


This all sums me up perfectly. So perfectly in fact, that when I read it I went: "Damn!", and "YES!!, That's how it is!! Strange as it may sound that someone like myself would find it nice to see myself outed like that, it is how I felt. It was a good moment. It was a moment of receiving recognition for being me, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I'm very fine with being who and what I am, and I'm good at it!

In a way it's funny, for I've never had problems getting recognized for my existence, as a psychopath, or as anything else I wanted to be recognized for! ... I have been recognized for being 'all that' and more, I can be sexy, soft, playful, supportive and oh, so loving. In fact that's what I am a lot of the time, and I have the looks to go with it too.

But I want more. I'm ready for more, and I'm gonna GET more! Others can come along for the ride if you're up to it, there's plenty of room for allies, because I'm heading for something more than just the scraps this time!

I'm going big, guys! Or I'm heading big, anyway!... And I know I've got what it takes, the question is more if any of you out there has what it takes to hang and keep up with me!?
It's not a problem though. There're always someone or somebody who can see when someone's got the goods, which Zhawq and me certainly do!...

If there're other female psychopaths out there, who know that's what you are, and you have the greed and the motivation, send me a line! I'll be glad to hear from ye, there's a world out there waiting for us, ripe for the taking!...

Oh, and yeah: If there're guys who're with me on the idea that women get a few kicks in too, you're more than welcome to send me one as well.

You can reach me through Email:
...Or, if you prefer, via:

Hear from you soon!...

Yours, Toxy.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Anger! Oh Anger!!...

I am NOT good with Anger!... I AM NOT GOOD WITH ANGER!!!...

Ten years ago I bought myself a new iPhone.

This almost became the Fate of my brand New iPhone!

I'd been planning and saving up for this phone over just about 207 years or so.

So finally the day came. I ordered the phone - it was a great service, one I've been using for years, and cheap too, since everything is Internet based.

I found a phone that would be good for me, since it would allow me to publish articles from anywhere I might be at. No more getting articles published 8 hours later or more.
So I ordered the phone, which would be delivered within 1 to 2 days according to the add. I knew that meant it would be delivered within 3 to 5 days of course.

I call Customer Service, and we went through the procedure. They needed to know my email address, which I made sure to spell letter by letter to them, just in case they might get one wrong. Haha, I even had the guy say each letter after me. But no sweat, he got it down and I would receive it within a day or two.

And sure enough, 9 days later it arrived. I was amazed at the fast delivery.
But then there was the thing about getting a sim card.

I should've received an email with the pin and puk code.
I didn't.

I call Customer Service, they send me a new one.
That too didn't arrive.

Then I tried logging into my account at their website, I couldn't.

So I asked for a password retrieval, which was send by email.
It didn't arrive!!!

So I called Customer service again, and guess what?...
It turned out they'd fucking spelled my damn email address wrong!!!!!!!!!

So I had to get the whole thing by snail mail.
Another 15 years of waiting!!!!!!!

The following month it arrived, and I stuffed it into the phone and started waiting for the pin code, which arrived later the following year.

That was just now, today.

So I eagerly opened the letter and began tasting into the phone in order to get it working. - Yeah, I was eager, after all I'd been having around 500 people sitting around waiting for me to get a working phone so they could get through to me also when I wasn't sitting next to them - something about how far the connection reaches, y'know, and the old phone didn't reach very far. Plus, reach was unstable. Sometimes it wasn't enough to sit beside me, you'd had to literally sit on my lab with your ear pressed against my phone in order to hear me.

But now that would all be over.
So I started tapping in my new pin code. But it was rejected, three times.
Then I had the puk code. At least that would give me 10 attempts.

... Except it didn't.

The first time I tried tapping it, and then tapped the pin code, I received a message Sim card was locked.

I tried once more, this time I entered a new pin code - one that hadn't been used ever before on any phone that I have owned, but the same thing happened.

Frustration began to build. I'll admit it. I may be mellowing and all, but there're things that do tend to get to me still.

I called the company, except... it's Saturday, and the damn firm don't have service open on holidays and weekends!!!!!....

I found their website and logged in.
I looked up all the data on my phone and my sim card and yadda yadda, everything was as it should be.

I looked up trouble shooting.
And man, they had 6 items!!! I that far too many, how could I choose!??
But I did manage to go through them all... Yep, I can be persistent when it takes me! And it took me at least 3 minutes!!!

None of them had anything about pin codes or sim cards - except one that said: My sim card doesn't match the numbers I was given, what do I do? (or something like that)

But luckily they had a Chat Customer Service!... YAY!...
I eagerly opened it... to find and empty screen with a sentence at the bottoms saying they had closed for the weekend!!!!!!!.......


I sad back, it was (and is) hard for me to move... Well, I tap my foot, but I hold the rest of my body in check, so as to not smash the phone and the damn monitor, as I sit watching an animated photo of a smiling woman under the text that says: "Call Customer Service!"

She's looking straight at me, and then she waves every few seconds!... To me it looks as if she's laughing at me, saying:

"Haha, you look funny! Bye bye! Especially because I can see you're about to explode and smach your computer hardware! haha! Bye bye! I'm having loads of fun looking at you! Haha! bye bye!!"

It's hard to explain what it's like for someone like myself when I feel this way.
I'm sure to a normal person it would be different.

Ah, now I've ruined one of the taps on my keyboard (but I have 5 keyboards, because it's happened before, so I luckily had an extra tap that fit the one that broke. - And no, I'm not kidding. It's the truth)....Okay, key tap is inserted.

Right now I am so angry.... SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!! I really want to smash something, crush something!... SOMEONE!!!


It is said that psychopaths are hot headed, we have a hot temper. And that is certainly true for me. - It is also said, however, that we quickly get over it. I used to pride myself of that.
At this time I don't feel I'll "get good" any time soon.

I will take this incident as an experiment and see how long it takes for me to get down from this anger.

...Bye for now.


Thanks to a good friend for editing this article. I would have been illegible without your help.
And no, I'm not angry at you for not coming over right away. It would have been very unwise of you. (And I think it should go to my credit that I've gained respect enough for others to actually warn them about my temper. Even 2 years ago I would not have done that.


Friday, April 15, 2011

Brain Pattern - Scientist or Serial Killer?

We here see the Brain Pattern of a Serial Killer! ...No, I mean: We here see the Brain Pattern of a Highly Respected Scientist!

I found a good little article about new, preliminary findings which confirm - or at least supports - a view that I've always been stating plays a role in psychopathy assessment, well, in all human interaction:

Psychopathy: A Rorschach test for psychologists?

* Compassion

* Empathy
* Impulsivity
* Excitement-seeking

What do these personality traits have in common?

If you are high on any or all of them, you may be less likely to rate other people as psychopathic on the Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R).

The PCL-R is the most widely used measure of psychopathy in the world. But in real-world forensic settings, scores vary widely depending upon which side retained the evaluator. This finding is called the "partisan allegiance" effect.

In a new twist, these same researchers that brought you partisan allegiance have found that an evaluator's personality may impact her judgments of psychopathy. Evaluators low on compassion and thrill-seeking as measured by a widely used personality test, the NEO Personality Inventory-Revised, are more likely than others to rate criminals as psychopathic.

That’s ironic, because according to the theory of psychopathy, it's supposed to be the psychopath -- not the psychologist -- who has a deficit in empathy.

The exploratory study, forthcoming in the journal Assessment, was based on a small sample of 22 individuals who were given nine hours of training by a clinical psychologist with substantial research and forensic practice experience with the PCL-R. "The daylong session was an attempt to replicate typical PCL-R training procedures," the study authors explain.

Now how come I knew this already when I was diagnosed the first time, and yet no one would listen!?...

The researchers emphasize that their findings are preliminary and need to be replicated and extended. But if they hold up, they have intriguing implications not only for the psychopathy measure but also for other psychological tests with elements of subjectivity in scoring or interpretation.

The study did not examine the accuracy of the low versus high scorers. But if low-scoring evaluators are more empathetic, this implies that they may be more accurate in interpersonal assessment contexts.

It's interesting to notice that they take into account that some evaluators may in fact have high scores on the PCL-R!...


The video above features a scientist who has come forth about his brain's somewhat special PET scan pattern: It is the SAME as the scan result of a violent mass murderer.

Just a little something perhaps to ponder!...


(1*) - Update: The uploaded video has suddenly become unavailable. However, it is still available for viewing here on Youtube.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Psychopaths Can Transform Ya!

I haven't watched the movie!... But let me tell you this:
I can Transform ya! And watching that Process is greater than any movie!

Whatever I say, however I bent it, the truth about charismatic psychopaths - of which I am one - is, that we do seem to have a certain mental power to influence people in many ways which others usually cannot.
It has been said about me that I can change people in ways so that they will never again be the same as they were.

I guess this is true about every kind of situation where two individuals get close to one another.

But in my case the change I bring about seems to be more profound, a deeper kind of transformation which has much more far reaching consequences.

I will no attempt to lie and say I haven't done this in ways that are less than beneficial to those I did it to. Especially - perhaps - for those who ended up dead because of it. And it is true, I have victimized people, I've done it many, many times. - But why?

Did I do it because I am evil and only find amusement in hurting others?

This is a common notion about psychopaths that I would like to counter, because as a psychopath myself who have met a larger number of psychopaths than most people normally do (due to the circles in which I have had my comings and goings over the years, and - not least - in the maximum facilities where I've done prison time), I know this is far from always the case.

Sure, there are those who have had such unfortunate upbringings that they've developed Antisocial traits beyond what is normal, even for psychopaths, and those are the ones we hear about in the media.

But in reality there're just as many of us who basically would enjoy just as much to have a good, a benevolent, impact upon those we come in touch with.

In my own case I believe unfortunate circumstances have brought with them a certain sense of bitterness, which has led to my tendencies towards victimizing people. But there is no question in my mind about it being also a fact, that in periods where I feel content and satisfied, I tend towards trying to influence people in a positive way.

And furthermore: I have done so on several occasions!

Again, those occasions do not figure on my crime sheet or in my journals... Well, maybe they do, but the descriptions always somehow get turned around so as to make it seem as if I've been harming every person that I've had an altering effect upon, if I've been harming even those people who themselves say that I've helped them, and who say I was the main force in making a fundamental change in them come about, a change which would not otherwise have happened.

The person who gave me the book 'Snakes in Suits' says - in his own words:

[Zhawq], you are the one person I've learned most from. I owe you my life, for you made me become like a new person. I no longer suffer from self doubt issues that used to hold me back and keep me from pursuing my life long goals of an education, and it was you who rekindled my wish to study my art, and I now see a possibility for success! In short, you have completely transformed me!

On days when I'm in a horrible mood such words don't mean a whole lot to me. But on more stable days I really do take pleasure in the fact that I have the power to create such an impact on other people's lives.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Repulsion and Disgust - What Are They?

As a Psychopath I do not recognize Facial Expressions of Repulsion and Disgust naturally.

Yesterday I wrote an article about one of the characteristics Psychopaths share, namely that we aren't naturally adept at recognizing a fearful expression in another person's face.

I further spoke about my personal experience in this respect, how I've dealt with it and what I think about it.

"Come again, speak up!!"
Does this man have Bad Hearing and I didn't speak loud enough?
"You've got to be kidding!?"
Or did he hear me, but is in Disbelief?

However, when this emotional recognition deficit is mentioned, another one is very often mentioned along with it:

Psychopaths have significant difficulty with recognizing Expressions of Repulsion or Disgust, and other related types of emotions, in other people's faces.

I didn't write about this yesterday, I left it completely out of the article, and I had a good reason for doing so: Repulsion to me is not only something I can't recognize in people's expressions, to my knowledge I have never experienced it. And what's more, it has never held much significance to me.

Disgust, in my understanding, is somewhat equal to Contempt though with a trace of something else which I can't quite pin point. The something else may be Repulsion, which will explain why I can't put my finger on it.

So when I left it out of yesterday's article it wasn't because I didn't feel like talking about it, it was because I don't know what to say about it!


Today I found an article about Emotional Intelligence in which was stated that:

Role of Emotional Intelligence in Social Life
Emotional intelligence is the ability of a person to use emotions as a guiding
tool for interpersonal effectiveness in his or her social environment (Figure 1).
While interacting with members of the social environment, emotionally intelligent
people produce win-win relationships and outcomes for themselves
and others. Such people develop a magnetic field of emotional attraction around
themselves and often are the owners of an ever-increasing network of social relationships
and emotional support structures. People with low emotional intelligence,
on the contrary, enter into counterproductive emotional transactions and
build around them, often unknowingly, a field of emotional repulsion that
causes their social circles to become contracted and distanced from them.

To me this seems peculiar, because I should then be a social outcast and derelict, but I have proven again and again that I can be quite the opposite, namely very popular and sought out for company, for fun, friendship, and advice. It's all a matter of what my intention and focus is at the time.

On the other hand I will not deny that I have experienced the opposite kind of situation on several occasions as well, and it is here my issue with recognizing and understanding the nature of the Emotion called Repulsion, whether in the form of witnessing someone else who has this emotion, or what this emotion really means, what is consists of or how it feels.


Another article starts:

Disgust is a fascinating emotion. Its elicitors are a puzzle: it makes sense that we are disgusted by things that can contaminate our food, but why does this food-related emotion extend itself so deeply into our social world, so that people feel disgusted by certain ethnic groups (or by racism), by homosexuality (or by homophobia), and by a variety of social and moral violations that don’t involve anything physically contaminating?

Oh, really? I have absolutely no sense of disgust towards "thing that can contaminate my food". Why would I invest negative emotions towards f.x. bacteria simply because they might contaminate my food?
How about feeling disgust against tomatoes then? If we eat too many, we can die from that alone! Is a lot of tomatoes disgusting?

The same goes for the line about racism. I've never understood what can move people to take such ridiculous positions against something which is just a more extreme version of different hair color. Is a strong tan disgusting just because it basically is the result of having subjected the skin on one's body to a mild burn from the sun rays? Absurd, I say!


I only remember having seen people who expressed repulsion on a very limited number of occasions which were all related to testing situations. Furthermore, I didn't even see the repulsion in the expressions of these people's faces. Yet, I was told that Repulsion was what they expressed, and I remember these incidents well because it puzzled me that even when it was pointed out to me, I still couldn't see it.

So what does Repulsion look like? And how does it affect me when someone feels repulsion about something associated with me or towards me directly?

I am aware that I have been in such situations numerous times, and yet I've never experienced any of them. - What I see in a repulsed face, is usually what I would recognize as either Contempt or Annoyance, or both, and maybe with a trace of Anger thrown in.

On some test photos(1*) I have found that the person can look funny, like if he's just been confronted with something that smells overwhelmingly bad - most often an adult during an attempt to shame me or simply blame me, after catching me or finding out about something I'd done... it would especially happen when I'd done something outrageously silly and destructive... what people sometimes call 'obscene', combinations of destruction, Sex and Violence elements seem to the fundamental "recipe" that will create responses with these kinds of expressions.

As a small kid I would sometimes imagine that someone with this kind of expression had just been secretly slipping a particularly stinky fart ... a thought that made me laugh, but which made them even more annoyed or angry with me. In my childishness I would think this a reaction to them knowing that I'd be telling the other kids about their embarrassing mistake, whether or not they'd actually made one.

But from what I understand, feeling Repulsion or Disgust has no connection with smell whatsoever, or with any other of our physical senses, it's a purely emotional phenomenon. So why it looks the way it does is something of a mystery - especially when we learn that it also has nothing to do with contempt.


I think that when I haven't taught myself how to recognize this emotional expression in others stems from my not having realized there was anything missing in the first place, and further, when I did learn about this kind of emotion, it just never seemed relevant, since for obvious reasons I've never felt it was something I encountered often, if ever.

There have been some times when somebody has told me that this or that person had just shown repulsion towards me, but when I've thought their behavior over I've always come to the conclusion that it either it must've been a mistake on part of those who told me - since I obviously saw no such signs of repulsion - or I've shrugged it off since it wasn't that important anyway.

I know normal people find it very important, and they become very hurt when someone looks at them with this kind of expression. - I've even thought I sometimes use this expression myself when I dominate/manipulate people. But when I do so, I think of my expression as one of Contempt, which apparently is not the same thing at all.


If I am to conclude anything from this, I guess it will have to be that there's a certain comfort in knowing my confusion is shared by psychopaths in general!...


(1*) - In a real assessment situation there're always a couple of pictures that show more exaggerated versions of each type or combination of emotional expressions. And I've noticed that the samples we see in so called Facial Expressions Tests on the Internet usually have a larger representation of these types of exaggerated photos. I gather the reason for this is that these tests are basically meant to be fun, a pass time, and those who provide them don't want people to fail the "test", as this would likely lead to fewer people wanting to visit and spend time with them.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Fearful Faces - What Do I See?

What Do Psychopaths See in Fearful Faces?

In yesterday's quoted article the first sentence stated that all Psychopaths share two characteristic traits, the first of which was described thus:
[An] inability to empathize with others' emotions, such as the fear in a person's face...

This for me rang a bell. I have learned that there're some facial expressions that I didn't automatically see for what they are.

This photo is titled 'FEAR'.

Is she Worried? Surprised? Thoughtful? Slightly Annoyed?...
No, she's Afraid!

Fear is one such emotion. So I very early on decided to teach myself how to determine when someone was afraid (of me - since when I met fear in other people it was most often me they were afraid of). And I found a few markers that have since been quite consistently effective in alerting me to when someone is afraid of me.

What I look for is this:

  • When someone becomes hesitant in responding to what I say or do.
  • When they hold their gaze at me - not on something else.
  • They stop blinking for long periods of time.
  • Their pupils become larger (if I'm close enough to see that).
  • They hold their breath or it becomes rapid.
  • If they start sweating, often above their upper lip and/or at their brow.
  • They widen their eyes.
  • Their face becomes pale (blood run to their brains and muscles and away from the capillary tubes in the skin surface - and also away from their digestive organs, but that's knowledge and not something I can see).

Those are some immediate Symptoms of Fear.

If I can break their frozen state, their eyes will often flicker and their faces become flushed red (blush). Also, their movements will still be stilted.


Those are symptoms of fear that I now notice automatically, but I had to learn them like others learn how to swim, f.x.

It was natural to me to use this kind of system to learn how to recognize the way people behave, and I didn't think more about it for many years, mainly because I took for granted that this is what everybody do, that this is how everybody learn how to recognize emotions in others. I even used to think I was somewhat slow in this regard, since everybody else seemed to naturally understand every emotion they saw in others and in each other. It was only because I realized that they didn't seem to know how to use this natural skill of theirs that I instead of feeling actually slow, instead felt superior, and I used to scorn silently scorn others for their blindness in this regard.


But once again, I have learned something of late which I never contemplated before:

It seems the difficulties that we psychopaths have with recognition of certain facial expressions - which is otherwise a normally build-in skill - are directly connected to the same kinds of emotions which we either do not have the ability to feel at all, or which in some cases some psychopaths for various reasons apparently can feel in a vague (Shallow?) sort of way, but rarely do.

So I taught myself to recognize fear, and I am fairly adept in doing so - if I am prepared and know there're circumstances present in a situation which will normally trigger this response.
In such situations I can see it, I can use it, choose my reactions or responses and thereby direct the line of events.

But give me a picture of someone who is afraid when I'm in a situation and place where I recognize none of the fear triggering elements, and I can be somewhat confused unless the expression is exaggerated.

So what do I see in a face of someone who is afraid, if I can't see their fear?

I have been subjected to many tests over the years, and the recognition of facial expressions is just one of a certain type of tests which are constructed to find out about details and aspects in a person's cognitive and behavioral functioning. And it follows naturally thereof that I've speculated and been asked about what I saw when I didn't see what apparently was there.


There's not one answer, but several to what I see.

For example, I often think Frightened people look Surprised, or Worried, sometimes they look to me like they're Bored or Uninterested, and sometimes they look to me as if they've just silently asked a question and are now waiting for an answer - not necessarily from me, they can be looking at a spot on the wall or at 'nothing'.

In the case of the last example people often seem to me as if they've suddenly become heavily mentally retarded. Maybe it's something I read into their expression because I know from experience, that when people look like this, they become very slow, rigid, confused and just plain dysfunctional.

It is a type of situation I've had problems with handling - especially when I was younger - because I would become so frustrated with these people's sudden inability to understand normal speech or carry out a simple, very easy to understand order, I would sometimes loose my temper and make things worse.

Sometimes this would happen even when I could find no reason whatsoever for anyone to become afraid of me. And in such situations I did not WANT people to be afraid... or I would have given them what I would call a reason... But in these situations I hadn't done so, and that made me feel as if they were opposing me somehow. Ridiculous, of course, since people don't become afraid as a means of rebellion, quite the contrary. - And I wasn't stupid, so I understood this, and I did get myself in check.
But I can still remember vividly those first times when I would start to yell and threaten the poor victims. No wonder they didn't snap out of it, heh...

Still, even to this day people becoming afraid of me when I do not want them to do so, can be very frustrating. Fear is a strong emotion, and once it's triggered - intentionally or not - it can be difficult to handle and re-direct in a hurry.


Now a days I never yell, threaten or physically hurt people when they become afraid of me without my consent. And it does happen, still. I also still don't know what triggers it, for I honestly can't find anything wrong with my behavior, mannerism or tone of voice, etc..


Monday, April 11, 2011

Keeping my Eyes on The Prize.

Psychopaths keep their eyes on the Prize.

Well ain't that the Truth!

This article hypothesizes that the crimes psychopaths commit stems from a combination of basically two features in us: Our lack of Empathy, and an overactive production of Dopamine in relation to the prospect of Gratification.

Image of an Impulsive Brain

The article reads:

All psychopaths share two characteristic traits: an inability to empathize with others' emotions, such as the fear in a person's face, and impulsive, anti-social behavior, such as reckless risk taking or excessive aggression. Neuroscientists have pinpointed neural mechanisms that may cause psychopaths' lack of empathy. But very little research has looked at what leads to impulsivity- which in some ways might be more important, because it can help predict a psychopath's tendency towards violent crime.

"All psychopaths share two characteristic traits...", when I read this I expected the following to be: "Lack of Empathy, and lack of Guilt/Remorse".

And sure enough, Lack of Empathy came up, but the second characteristic mentioned in this case is Impulsivity, the trait that I associate with the Antisocial in me.

I have no problem with lacking Empathy, in fact I'm fine with being the way I am. But I detest the way my Impulsiveness has led to so many mistakes and so much jail time.

And I can't help but think: If Impulsivity is our second co-nominator, how on earth do the so called White Collar guys pull off what they do?

When I was a teenager, in the years following the Youth Freedom Movement, the Hippies and all that, there was a notion that Impulsivity was a good thing, there was way too little impulsiveness among people, and adults were generally far too rigid and neurotic. So I was proud about my impulsiveness... But that was then, and now I see it very differently.

It's not my lack of empathy that annoys me, it's that restless need for stimulation that seems so drive me to do things I wouldn't have done otherwise. Even to this day it's a constant struggle.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Psychopathy Check List-Revised: (PCL-R).

Congratulations, you scored 36.8!... But you may call it 37!

I don't think there're many - if any - diagnosed Psychopaths who aren't well acquainted with the Psychopathy Check List by Dr. Robert D. Hare. Though it isn't the only diagnostic assessment procedure used, it is the most widely used, and at present it is also the most precise where specific psychopathic traits are concerned - psychopathy differs from several of the other antisocial conditions/disorders, such as Antisocial Personality Disorder and Sociopathy - and as such there're probably not many clinical psychologists and forensic psychiatrists, i.e., who aren't well acquainted with it as well.

Indeed, we more or less all know of it (some even know it in detail by heart) since it is such a central part of the diagnostic assessment procedure.

The Psychopathy Check List/PCL-R consists of 20 items.
Each of the twenty items are given one of three possible scores which are as follows:
  • 0 - It doesn't apply to the patient at all.
  • 1 - It applies somewhat, meaning the trait is there, but it is not highly dominant in the person.
  • 2 - It fits the person perfectly, it defines dominant traits in character &/or behavior.

The scoring process itself is based on thorough investigation carried out prior to the final scoring assignment.

Though there are websites that states otherwise, the assessment procedure itself consists of a number of tests, interviews and research into the patient's past, including criminal, medical and educational history, work history, physical movement between locations and home addresses, relationships and possible marital history and/or status, and - not least - interviews with as many people as possible who know or knew the subject - Family, co-workers, teachers, friends, neighbors, counselors and therapists, etc. This is not a diagnosis that is given lightly! If the clinician honors the ethical implications of the seriousness of psychopathy and stays true to his hippocratic oath.

A person who receives a score at or above 30 is considered a psychopath and will receive the psychopathy diagnosis.

The highest possible score a person can get is 40.

The average neurotypical (normal) person receives a score between 3 and 6 (4 being the average estimate).

The average non-psychopathic criminal receives a score between 16 and 22.

The average criminal Sociopath and/or Antisocial Personality Disordered individual receives a score between 22 and 26.

The serious criminal Sociopath and/or Antisocial Personality Disordered individidual receives a score between 26 and 29.

Criminal Psychopaths receive a score between 30 and 40.

A non-criminal Psychopath receives a score between 30 and 34.

Approximately 1 in 45 receives a score of 40.

Below here is the complete list with each of the 20 items:


Factor 1.
1 Glibness/superficial charm
2 Grandiose sense of self-worth

3 Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

4 Pathological lying

5 Cunning/manipulative

6 Lack of remorse or guilt

7 Shallow affect [i.e. superficial experience and expression of emotions]

8 Callous/lack of empathy

Factor 2.
9 Parasitic lifestyle

10 Poor behavioural controls

11 Promiscuous sexual behaviour

12 Early behaviour problems

13 Lack of realistic long-term goals

14 Impulsivity

15 Irresponsibility

16 Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

17 Many short term marital relationships

18 Juvenile delinquency

19 Revocation of conditional release

20 Criminal versatility

The Check List has two different kinds of traits, with 10 of the items in each group.

The groups have been given the terms: Factor 1. Traits, and Factor 2. Traits.

Factor 1. Traits

Factor 1 traits are sometimes called 'Classic Psychopathy Characteristics', or 'True Psychopathy Characteristics'. These are the traits that describe the Psychological, Mental or Emotional Characteristics. They pertain to how the person feels, his emotional make-up, his thought process and the general mindset resulting of these.

Factor 2. Traits

Factor 2 traits are sometimes referred to as 'False Psychopathy Characteristics'. These are the traits that describe an individual's Conduct, his Activities and Demeanor. They pertain to Antisocial Traits, Criminal and Aggressive Deviant Features in the Individual Lifestyle, Actions and Behavior.

There will be both Factor 1. and Factor 2. traits in a Psychopath.

Generally speaking there will be a heavier leaning towards Factor 1. Traits - the 'True Psychopath' Traits, though there are those who have equally strong Factor 1. and Factor 2. Traits.

In the time to come I will discuss each of the 20 items one by one and tell you, first how Dr. Robert Hare - the author of the PCL-R - defines and describe them, and thereafter I will describe how I understand them, what I think of them in relation to psychopaths in general, and in relation to our society and the culture this list in some ways is an expression of.

I will discuss the items especially in relation to how they pertain to myself as an individual who happen to have enough of these features to be classified as a psychopath, what I think about this - how it is to be considered a psychopath by my contemporaries, and how I find that each item fits or do not fit my characteristics as a personality.

I will have several arguments to put forward regarding my own Psychopathy Diagnosis, but I will also have admissions to give - for the first time in my life.


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Endless New Beginnings

Every End precedes a New Beginning!

Endings are among the kind of events I have probably had more of than most people my age. But for some reason it has never bothered me. Sure, the end of good things hold some element of emotional decline which can't be helped. But why anybody would choose to stop there, mentally clinging to what has basically already become the past, is beyond my capacity for understanding.
If Farewell's are unwanted, then so much more the reason to allow yourself to enjoy the pursuit of something in the future to wish even more for!


If The Blue Bus is Madness

and Grey signals The Fuss about Sadness

I say: Take to The Road!

Leave Crying behind!

Rejoice by Your Measure!

It's all In Your Mind!

Zhawq 2011

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Calm 'Flat Affect'.

Just recently I found myself in a situation suddenly surrounded by 3 guys who were about to complete a drug deal. Even though they had guards positioned at strategic positions to alert them if there was sign of any police coming in, they were visibly agitated. I'm pretty sure that not every other person could've seen it, but to me it was clear as day. - However, one of them was so nervous he actually said so and attempted to speed up the action. It was not one of the typical attempts at stirring up agitation in the others, hoping for an opening or a possible better deal. No, this guy was really, really nervous.

Who is to Say Which One View is The Most Correct?

It was a while since I'd been witness to Criminal Activity such as this taking place, so I stood my ground and watched, interested in seeing how things would commence and in finding out if I myself would feel any different from how I used to feel.

What feelings or emotions I could detect in myself were... none. It was just as always, except for my attention to this nervous guy, which for once I didn't attempt to use or manipulate in any way. I did something new, something I've only done with young guys I used to mentor. I said: "Don't be nervous, there's no reason to!"

His reaction was typical, and I immediately realized I'd been trying to do something that wasn't possible. He went: "But I can't help it!! I'm so NERVOUS!!" He looked to each side, stretching his neck to look behind him too, all of which would've made the situation worse had the police really been nearby. - I tried a few more times: "Relax, if the police arrives you'll be alerted! Besides, you're not the one they'll be interested in!"...

All to no avail, of course.

A little later they had finished their business and went each in their different directions. - I saw the nervous dude half walk, half run towards a parking lot a bit further away down the opposite side of the street, and I knew that if the police happened to drive by at that moment, even though the others had left already, they'd pull over and search this guy. He was obvious prey, not only to the police, but to any street crook on the look out for someone to mug for an easy buck.

He disappeared into the parking lot, and I went on my way, taking the stroll I was there originally to do in order to find some good, fresh fruit which I don't have available in my immediate neighborhood.

All along I kept noticing the state of absolute calm that I was in. It's the calm I am always in, have always been in during such situation, whether or not I'm directly involved.

Until recently I have never doubted that this is a sign that I have a strong character and self discipline.

I never attributed it to me being a psychopath with Flat Affect. - That's the new angle, one which I have only recently been able to understand why clinical psychologists and other emotionally neuro-typical people view and classify so entirely differently from how I've always seen it myself... That is, I actually didn't know about this angle before and always merely thought they didn't know what they were talking about, that they didn't know me and plainly misunderstood me.

At this point I think both parties are right, meaning that I am just as right in my interpretation as they are in theirs.
I truly am in favor of The Human Diversity, and I believe the constant attempt to narrow the human condition down to a limited mainstream common few expressions is harmful.

However, the big difference which really matters to me in regard to the experience I describe here above, is that now I DO understand their point of view - at least to some degree.
...I wonder, will they ever understand my point of view?...


Thursday, April 7, 2011

A Psychopathic Short Story.

When I was a big child, or in my early teens, I had a period where I used to write some rather 'unusual' short stories; 'obscene' would probably be a better word for it.

It was obvious already from the first time I presented such a piece of written art for my parents and other people in my local surroundings, that none of them took any delight in my musings. But I nevertheless used to force my unhappy audiences to listen to me read aloud these stories, I was very proud of my creativity.

My Very Own Human Victim!...

The following is one of the less extreme that I wrote, I have 'cleaned it up' a bit and re-written some of it so as to make it more grammatical presentable and overall readable.


I always knew something was different about my son. So when he turned 7 - the year he was about to enter second grade - I took him to a child psychologist, who referred me to another child psychologist, who was a specialist in Juvenile Psychopathy Assessment using the PCL-YV. And indeed, it turned out my son is a full blown Psychopath.

Whew!... What a relief!

To think I'd been so worried and then it turns out my son's really just an exceptional genius - of sorts. That's what I was told: "Just think of your son as a very special human being who has evolved beyond his contemporaries!", they said. And that's exactly what I've done ever since.

But I'm beginning to worry... I Mean, he's SO beyond his age!

Last year, when he'd turned 12, right after the birthday party we held for him, he said: "Mama, do I get a Victim for X-mass? I want my own Victim, mama!"

(The neighbor, shocked): What did you answer him?

Why I gave him a flat out No! "You are too young to have your own Victim!", I said. He immediately turned that sullen face at me - you know how they are at that age - but I was firm. "You'll have to speak to your daddy, with me it is still no! Maybe when you turn 14, that's when you'll become a real man".

"But MAMA...!"

"NO!, there's the end of it!"

He stormed out, slamming the door behind him and didn't come home until well after 3 AM, blood all over him and his new ax, that he had got for his birthday, in hand.

"Me and my husband had been waiting up for him". (she looks at the neighbor) "No, we didn't call the police. We've learned that only brings us more trouble and grief, having to go to court, pay endless fees and bills and bailing him out of where ever they've taken him. So no, we're set on dealing with this ourselves. We can manage, we're a real close family, after all, and always knew how to deal with our own problems."

So my husband calls our son into the living room as he's about to run upstairs. "Son!? Come in here, we need to talk this Victim obsession of yours over!"

Our son comes in, silently, ax still in his hand, but he knows he can trust us so he doesn't try to hide it, nor the blood he's got all over him - except for a quick glance at me... I am his mother after all, and he knows how I hate washing all the blood off his clothes, since it sticks SO HARD on clothes... especially white clothes, you know!? ...So he walks towards us, my husband motions for him to sit, which he does.

I wouldn't know what to do without my husband. He knows exactly what to say and how to talk to our son. That is, much of the time, he does. ... Much of the time nothing either of us can say matters either way. But once in a while my husband knows how to talk to him, and thank ye gods this was one of those occasions.

He send me quickly one of those looks that says 'we need to talk 'men's stuff' me and our son!', and I understood and quietly left the room.
... As I closed the door after me I heard my husband say:

"Son, you're too young to have your own Victim just yet!". A short pause, and then he continued: "I know, I know, don't get upset just yet... maybe already next year we'll see if we can arrange something... But how would you be if we could take you to the local Zoo this X-mass..?".

Another short pause, then he quickly continued:

"No no, wait! Now, I didn't mean we would take you just to watch the animals. No, I'll arrange with the manager to let you in after night fall, when it's closed to the public and there'll be only you and the animals, and me and the Zoo keepers... And we'll see to it that you can roam free and do WHATEVER you like in there!

"We can bring all our weaponry and all your home made torture instruments... We can take it with us in the back of the car! ... And then it'll be all up to you to have a good time and lots of fun, for... say, ...3 hours?... Now how does that sound, wouldn't that be nice?". He waited a little and I could tell by the slight lowering of his voice when he continued, that our son must've been softening to the idea: "Could you live with that, and then wait with a human victim for one more year?"

I walked away fast as I heard that. Too anxious our son would make a scene and insist that he get a victim too, but a little later my husband came out, calmly smiling.

"It's alright, dear", he said. "He's gone to get a shower and then off to bed. All he'll be thinking about now and in the time to come is that trip to the Zoo this X-mass. Human victims will not enter his mind again until next year, so all is fine for now. We can relax!"...


In the meantime, while the parents spoke and his dad reassured his mother downstairs, the boy quickly showered, put on his pajama, and then slipped upstairs to the attic where he unlocked a large wooden crate that he had hidden in the farthest corner, and peered into the dark within. A small white face with black and yellow bruises squinted up at him. "Shh!!", he said to the tied up boy:..

"I'll have to keep you hidden for a while yet, but not for long now. One more year and I'll be able to take you out and let you walk around, like real prisoner!".. He throws some half gnawed meat and dog food into the crate. "I stole that from the neighbor's dog. They feed him too much anyways!" He gives a soft laugh, holding his hand over his mouth so as to not let the sound give away where he is. "Maybe then you can have some real food too!... But only if you stay quiet!"... "And keep obeying me until then!!", as he locks the lid back on tight and turns the key in each of the padlocks.

As he quickly slipped back down to his room and into bed, he smiled at the thought of all the fun he'd have... In just a year from now, when he would no longer have to hide his Very Own Human Victim...