Monday, February 14, 2011

A Reader writes...

A reader writes:

Hi. I have been given a number of diagnoses over the years, from being a psychopath (that happened first), over being outright schizophrenic to having Asperger's Syndrome (latest).

The 'funny' thing about all this is that I'm not mentally ill in any way - though I have no doubt I'm not 'normal', or 'common' either.

Every diagnosis I have gotten over the years (with the exception of Psychopathy) was ... I hate to say this, but they were ... orchestrated by myself. I played the part, knowing what diagnosis I was aiming for before the assessment started, every time.

I always play the part. It was the same when I got the Asperger's diagnosis in November 2010. The only difference with this diagnosis was that I actually felt some of it rang true. I think I actually believed it myself, and yet, during the diagnosis session I made sure to fit the pattern. I knew exactly what to do and how.

Then I found your blog, and through your blog, Sociopath World and The Notable Path and others.

What you guys write ... I mean, it just seems so obvious and normal to me. I don't see anything strange - though in your blog, Zhawq, there is more outright "anti-socialness", but I recognize that urge too. To be like you are. I've been like you are, but mostly when I was younger. Now I mostly hide everything. I used to go to jail a lot, I've even robbed a Jewelry and that was definitely not something people did everyday around where I live, especially not considering I used a gun to hold up the guy and his wife. Where I live guns and other weapons are not permitted, our state has very strict control with the population.

In everyday life I've always been wearing a mask. I can be a lot of different personalities, I portray myself differently in every new social setting and when meeting new people. The Mask has always been ... what I am, in a sense. At least in everyday life.
- I'm a female, by the way.

I never gave that psychopathy diagnosis that I got when I was young any credit. I thought: "Well they have to think you're a psychopath when you do something like I did, it tells nothing about the real me!".

Now I'm not so sure.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

What is the context for you seeking the other diagnoses?

It's too easy to fill in blanks and cross of check boxes to try and figure yourself out. Behavior can mirror what goes through your mind, but the two are not always the same. If you want to know what you are, or if you want to solidify your hypothesis, examine your thought patterns. How do you react to certain situations? Can you detect things easily that others can't in a realm that requires no formal education?

It can be very difficult when people have tried to condition you from a young age to be a certain type of person. You have to sift through the bull shit and figure out who you really are. What you really like. What actually disgusts you.

And most of all, you have to realize that only a fraction of such answers have anything to do with your potential PD. If you find that you are linking your PD to every facet of your life, then perhaps you are seeing what you want to see, and not what there actually is.

Zhawq said...

Anonymous 8:03 AM


Such eloquence.

Anonymous said...

You definitely sound potentially like a Psychopath, the only thing the struck me as different was that you can bare those other blogs .And best of all, if you are and you happen to be a slut, you don't give a shit ! Party on.