Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A Zhawqing Perspective.

My life has not been very glamorous, nor very positive or constructive.

The one thing that can make me change living a certain lifestyle and doing certain not very constructive things, is an alternative that fascinates me! This is the only thing that works for me!

I have always had a very great and demanding need for stimulation. It has made me live life 'on the edge', so to speak, even in ways that I definitely don't agree with.

My need for Life at it's strongest has pushed me into living a destructive, non-giving, non-creative lifestyle, even though my need to do something that is really Good, and Great even, is the strongest of all. But the absence of opportunities to realize that central part of me, has turned it against myself as well as - on a few occasions - against people around me. - It is truly horrifying how a personality made for greatness can become destructive, even for other people, if it is denied an outlet for what it is 'made for'.

But I've learned that psychiatrists think of the trait in me to have it's cause in that I don't feel very strongly, that I get bored easily and have no sense of moral obligations.

I see it in a completely different way: I DO have strong feelings, stronger than 'empaths', but I also have a strong personality, one that is build for 'greater things' or for 'greatness'. I have a ... not indifference, but a ... Hunger for Life that is insatiable, it is not my 'shallow' or 'flat affect' that makes me need stronger and more frequent stimulation, it is because my personality IS great, it IS uncommon, "larger than life", and that makes the reason for my need very obvious: A greater personality will need greater stimuli, because his personality is made for great, constant, dramatic stimuli ... stimuli the likes of which normal people couldn't deal with, couldn't handle.

Seeing people getting shot, killed and even tortured, usually hasn't been enough to make me change my ways... and to my eternal agony! - But in the eyes of those who don't share this personality trait, my agony is but an empty lie.

...For they do not believe that I CAN feel agony, or feel much anything at all.

When I hear them downgrade people like me, like us, by saying we haven't much or strong feelings, etc., I see that as an attempt on their part to force everybody to shrink and belittle themselves in order to comply to their standards.

To them nothing but 'normal', 'common' and 'ordinary' is okay or sane. If you're bigger, larger than they, then you must be a psychopath! ... And this offends me!

Long enough have I lived with limiting myself, hiding like a criminal because I am different, even having to pretend to feel like they, the ordinary or normal people do. I had to, because punishment for not being 'good' according to their mediocre standards, would be lunched whenever I took the chance and was myself, if even showing just a few little honest details of my true personality.
No wonder they see the so called psychopaths 'acting normal, faking to be normal'! I mean, who wouldn't given the present situation??

Isn't it ironic how human beings, when faced with individuals who's personality is unlike our own, tend to think that those who do not feel the same way as we do don't feel anything at all? - I used to think this very same way about 'normal' people. I was convinced they didn't feel much at all and that the feelings they do have were mere pretending.

When I realized that they thought the same way about me, I began to question whether perhaps I had been wrong when I assumed they were pretty much without feelings or depth.

Today I know they do feel, and to them their feelings are probably every bit as real and potent as mine are to me. But when that is said, there's no doubt that the kind of feelings, the 'width' or 'range' of our feelings, are very much different. And in this regard I am the one who has depth and range, not the other way around. - The point is that it doesn't matter that my feelings are truly deeper than theirs, for they can't feel that their feelings aren't as deep as mine. In other words: To them their feelings are as strong as all people's feelings can possibly be.

And I respect this! I respect that people are different, personalities are different, needs and preference, abilities and drive of the soul are different! ... So then why on earth can't they - the 'normal', the 'mediocre' masses, why can't they respect me in the same way that I respect them?
- That's a topic for another article.


Anonymous said...

It's here-say, plain and simple. A dick measuring contest where neither man will unzip his fly.

I'm able to perceive a situation where I should react in a certain way, though am not involuntarily obligated to show it. Many times I don't, as to seem incapable of being manipulated by affect from others. I have a pretty good poker face.

I can feel things, and some of them 'deeply' but not many things. Certainly not the range and sometimes depth of a 'normal' person.

This field of science is about spotting and understanding abnormalities, and that's what they are. Some descend into actual sickness/incapacity, some don't. It's not even condition exclusive.

The need for stimulation is maddening at times.

BizyLizy said...

I think the difference here is the depth of any sort of complex feeling you may have for another.

As I am reading this entry, the biggest thing that strikes me is YOU. YOU were made for greatness. YOU are feeling strongly about this. YOU need more stimuli because YOU were meant for something greater.

I don't mean this in any sort of denegrating way. But how can one be truly objective about oneself? As an empath, I am greatly defined by my relationships to others. My depth of feeling for others, and my attachment to others. These feelings can be very complex, but they run deep.

From what I understand, a sociopath feels only as deep in a relationship as it relates to himself. If it no longer relates, the socio has no problem disengaging. The relationship is more one-dimensional, with the focus being on the socio's needs and gratifications.

A fully developed relationship among empaths tend to be a colorful spectrum of emotions in which much of the pleasure is derived from simply seeing the other person happy.

I've heard it said that socio's tend to have strong passions, but necessarily strong emotional attachments. The passions also are fleeting. My personal experience collaborates with this.

But on the topic of respect...it's just difficult to respect someone if you sense that you cannot trust them. If one senses that ultimately you'll ditch them at some point, they'll be less inclined to invest in you. And really, do you respect those mediocre masses? I wouldn't think mediocracy is something that anyone would respect.

Interesting blog. I'm enjoying browsing through it.

Zhawq said...


How can anyone be truly objective about others? How can anybody be truly objective about anything?

Truth is we can't.

"As an empath, I am greatly defined by my relationships to others."

I'm not certain about how defined I am by my surroundings, but my bet is that we're all defined more or less by our surroundings. That said, some have stronger personalities than others, which is not to say they can't have deep emotions or feel attached to others.

I can be very attached to others, but I don't depend as strongly upon their answering to this attachment as I see most other people being.

"These feelings can be very complex, but they run deep."

But isn't that a subjective interpretation?, one that you may share with others around you, but nevertheless interpretations that are subjective?

I think you're right about some sociopaths having very strong emotions. They are a sub group under the Sociopathy/ASPD condition. I have met some of these people, so, yes, they do exist.

If you sense that someone will ultimately ditch you, and that you can't trust them, I see absolutely no reason to waste respect on them, unless for some reason you depend on them or need them in order to reach a goal. In such cases displaying respect may be preferable, but actually feeling it? Why would you?

When we use the word 'mediocrecy', there is generally only contempt. But the second we trade the term with 'normal', 'common', or 'most people', it gets elevated to a status of ultimate good. That is my problem with that way of thinking.

Thank you for your kind words. I know I'm not as good as I could be, writing this blog, but I am doing my best and am trying to get better at it. :)

MrBlake said...

Somebody should've picked up on this conversation. It's an interesting topic, why did you guys leave it at this?

"YOU need more stimuli because YOU were meant for something greater."

This seems to be a common pattern in many psychopathic people. I recognize it too to some extent, but I'm not spending much energy on being angry or bitter about this injustice. I think it's more of a youth thing, but then, we're said to be very immature. Haha.

Now you've probably left the conversation, but just in case - Zhawq never asked some of those questions I know he'd be looking for answers to, so if I may ask them instead? Lol. -

How do you see us psychopaths (and the sociopaths and ASPDers)? Do we seem shallow? If we do, is it very obvious?

If somebody else comes along and sees this and feels like giving an input, I'm sure it'll be appreciated. I'd be pleased if nothing else.

a 'dick measuring contest'. Sure that happens (like on some forums), but how dod you know your feelings are less varied and not as strong as empath people's?

"The need for stimulation can be maddening at times".

Well you said it, honey, aint that the truth!! Indeed.
But that's not the kind of thing someone who don't feel very strongly would say - unless it's for the purpose of communication to a broader audience like Zhawq is doing in his articles. If he felt as strongly as it looks by the way he writes he'd be at the brink of suicide every day.

But this debate is different in that we're talking bout how WE in reality DO feel. Not 'we' as in 'us, the human race' like Zhawq's text is implying but WE as in ME, Blake, right here <- !

I know I don't generally feel as strongly as most people, but I've been measured with scientific apparatus and shit. Before that I wasn't sure if it wasn't that everybody were just faking and claiming to feel a lot of feelings they didn't really have, because that's what they'd been brought up to think they should feel.

Empath people tend to live a lot on what they believe and expect. Maybe some of us are doin the same thing? Just sayin'. :)

Anonymous said...

totally agree with you.

Anonymous said...

Excellent article!

Anonymous said...

Well, you may say that your emotions are just as deep or strong as others they're just different but... fMRI data is not really on your side on it. Of course it is difficult to talk about feelings in an objective way, I assume you may think that you feel as strongly as others. Because there is no objective way to measure how strongly one feels, so this is futile to discuss it.
However, I mentioned fMRI - it shows that psychopaths simply lack responsiveness that normal people have. Not that you have different responses but no responses at all. This suggests that you probably have a narrower spectrum of emotions and the higher threshold of triggering most of them - everything you describe is what normal people are also capable of feeling, the difference is: they also have other things and it makes the world a bit more complex. Also your need for stimulation - everyone has such a need, you just have a higher threshold so need more. I somehow can't see it as superior unless you think that people who can't feel physical pain are superior because they can put a hand in fire. Well, I can only see people with a disability. Of course yours is not simply a disability, it can be advantageous in certain situations but I doubt that you have other more advanced or whatever you can call them emotions - you just probably have a narrower spectrum and a higher need for intensity. I can't comment how "strong" they appear to you because this is purely subjective.

Zhawq said...

Anon May 25 at 9:31 AM,

my point is that no machine can tell you how strongly I feel my emotions whether or not they give high spikes. All the high spkes do is tell you there is more activity at that time, not how strongly the individual feels that activity.

You know, they also say psychopaths have low tolerance for frustration. If you could see how I feel when I'm frustrated you wouldn't say my tolerance is low, rather you'd say it's incredible that I can control myself as well as I do.

Then again, those frustrations may show up flat on the scale, but that doesn't change the fact that to me they can be ecruciating that I have to react, and that's when others say "He went and hit somebody with a hammer for absolutely no reason at all". No reason? I never do anything without a reason, my reasons just happen to be different.

In short: "Because there is no objective way to measure how strongly one feels, so this is futile to discuss it"

"fMRI - it shows that psychopaths simply lack responsiveness that normal people have."

That is beyond any doubt and I don't try to deny it. But we tend to forget that psychopaths respond to other things that normal people do not respond to. Yes, there may be an overall lower response to things in general in psychopaths, but that's the reality of life, people are different, not two are the same.

I pretty much agree with everything you have said, but my feeling about what I here have named "Called to Greatness" is not about me being a psychopath. It's about me being me, the person called Zhawq, not the psychopath who have no emotions, feeling I have an inert greatness that wants to come out and be realized.

Apart from many psychopaths apparently having the same thing, that is all it is: Me being a person who feel I have a very large potential for greatness in me.

Nata said...

"I have always had a very great and demanding need for stimulation. It has made me live life 'on the edge', so to speak, even in ways that I definitely don't agree with.
My need for Life at it's strongest has pushed me into living a destructive, non-giving, non-creative lifestyle" and "I have a ... not indifference, but a ... Hunger for Life that is insatiable"
Stimulation and hunger for life... That is why you can't...chill, ever. You have no 'peace' (not in religious way)and you can't ever be satisfied with (just) yourselves, that's why you need NTs. Interesting...