Monday, September 4, 2017

Hidden Life: The Good Psychopath's Curse.

The following is a mail from one of my long term Readers, someone who has been active himself in trying to spread some light in all the messy ignorance that pervades society about psychopaths and psychopathy-related conditions.


Hi Jay,

I will quote you and then reply as I go along:

Good to hear things are looking up for you Zhawq.

Thank you, I hope I haven't miscalculated the whole thing. I was scheduled to receive surgery on Thur. Oct. 29th, but the brave surgeon who was going to perform the surgery has had a sudden, very serious accident that has rendered him completely incapacitated so he cannot proceed. But he knew another surgeon who was willing to take over and so the whole thing has been postponed for the day after tomorrow, Wed. Aug. 6th. - I am optimistic (I can not and will not fail!). 

I have been on a very similar path to you. ... You of course started the bug as I became much more self-aware reading your articles and have passed this on to others in course.

I have noticed your progress and I must say that I am actually quite proud of you. Few would bother or even understand that sharing information can also lead to a lot of self gratification which is so important to our kind.

I have also had the legal issues that restrict me, as well as my own inconsistency at sticking to tasks

I'm aware of the inconsistency problems, this is something that simply cannot be helped. The good thing is that if you stick with it and are not hindered by laws, regulations, money (tax, fee, etc. etc.) issues and the infamous 'unspoken rules' which is so rampant in more unsophisticated and poorly educated populations and parts of society - or, as in my case, a whole country - you will with time find good people who will want to work with, and for, you. Remember, the hardest part is always the first one or two, maybe three, years. Get past that and nothing can stop you...

In other words, there are people out there who can spot good causes which represent opportunities that are just too good to pass (depending on individual preference, of course, but there's usually something for everyone), and if you make sure to engage the best of those people you will have a loyal and talented team who can help you out in both good and bad times because it's about their future too.

Things seem to have come full-circle though and I am going to drop off the radar and focus on my own private life.

I think that may be a good idea. Who knows, you may find things have changed some day and decide to give it another try. The good thing is that you have plenty of time still. If I may give you a word of personal advice: Take a year or two and spend them on education, make sure to spend time studying subjects that are of essential value to what you aim to achieve in life... subjects like Business, Management and Marketing, IT, Website Creation, Programming & Advertisement, as well as Social Psychology. These are fields of study which all are examples of golden knowledge... 

Study some Economy and a widely spoken foreign language on the side and all that's left is practice and finding the right person who has the same way of thinking as you do, a good idea, experience, and who will take you in as their partner (or in the beginning at least be your mentor), and there will be nothing you can't achieve. I cannot put it any clearer than this. The rest is up to you and Destiny. 

Part of me thinks I may have been leading people down the wrong road as this world is increasingly monitored by authorities. Much of my work was through social media rather than just my websites ... I am beginning to think that the more guarded psychopaths out there were right all along

I have had the same concerns and I will not deny that such thoughts still sometimes pop up, there have been periods where I had these thoughts on a daily basis. I don't think they will ever completely disappear but I'm certain they'll become easier to get past with time. It's just important to not allow such thoughts to overwhelm us especially during the first years where we tend to be alone with our ambitions and visions and have nobody to rely on bur ourselves and our own strength and ability to persevere.

Personally I actually have quite profound reasons for this paranoid tendency of mine (as the psychologists will surely call it) to observe and notice the signs of certain strange coincidences which tend to have some strangely negative and potentially life threatening (or worse) impact upon the life of someone like myself who write openly about the subject of psychopathy while also having the diagnosis myself, and I have thought of writing an article about this very subject. But as things currently stand I have concluded that there is little reason to do so at this point. - But let me return to your email...

To put it short: Jay, I understand your concerns.

Sometimes you don't know what you could loose until after you have lost it. Too late for me, but I don't want to lead others of my ilk down the wrong path either.

This is you looking at the world through a prism of pessimism (we all do this from time to time). But Jay, it is not too late for you and there is no pressure to make any decisions for all future at this point in time. If you feel the need to step down for a bit, do so. Lay low for a while and focus on developing other aspects of your life. Maybe focus on other skills that you have; or explore new ones, test them and try them out. Do that and I can say with almost 100% certainty that in a year from now the way you see things today will have changed dramatically.

And remember, you are a survivor, it is in your nature. This I know for sure.

What has happened to me personally is somewhat unusual. Normally it is only the ones who are completely careless and who are intellectually challenged (retarded) at least to a degree who ends up the way I have (and even they rarely end up in such an extreme - and extremely unjust - situation).

But you know what? I finally realize that I have been wrong throughout most of my life when I thought there was no such thing as bad luck. I thought there was only lack of will or ability to sharpen your ability to predict outcomes. That if you didn't foresee something and make precautions, it was always because you hadn't done enough or tried hard enough....a very typical view on life and reality that a very large number of psychopaths (and sociopaths, generally speaking) believe to be the simple fact about how everything works.

I have always been incredibly lucky, it is obvious that I have been so and I will not deny it. But that is also the reason why I choose to look at my current misfortune as an opportunity to learn and experience for myself what bad luck actually feels like (how much it angers you; and knowing how normal people 'tick' I can see why they loose heart and feel there is no hope, which causes - a sometimes life long - depression) and to understand that indeed, luck, good and bad, do exist, which I can do in a much more realistic way than I have ever been able to until less than approximately 3 years ago when I really began to gain an understanding of what the differences between 'my kind' and 'normal people'.

This is a journey that I sense you too have begun, and I think it is already too late for me to warn you about how addictive this fountain of new knowledge can be. All in all, I think you'll be alright, my friend, and I'm happy that our paths have crossed. May they do so again when the time is right.


Email by: Jay Jones 
Replies by: Zhawq.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Goebbels: Nazi Propaganda Genius w/ BPD.

Joseph Goebbels in my personal opinion was not your typical psychopath, and as such I should perhaps not have chosen to write an article inspired by the documentary I have included here.

I have watched a number of biographical articles about the leading personalities during WWII, including Hermann Goering who was clearly a psychopath, as was Adolf Hitler himself.

But if I should point to one person from that era who fits the typical description - indeed he is a textbook example - of a psychopath, it would be... no, it is ...Benito Mussolini (click the link to a watch a biographic documentary about him).

But here I will start out with a few observations that I made about Goebbels:

High strung, Deeply Romantic, Fatalistic world view, switching between euphoric fantasy optimism and deeply depressed hopelessness. I would argue that he shows signs of Borderline Personality Disorder, definitely Co-Dependent PD (which often follows with BPD) and I wonder if perhaps he had a touch of Bipolar Disorder as well.

He also appears to have had a certain tendency towards self pity which grew more obvious over the years as his power increases and he felt more secure in his position as a trusted member of the inner circle. I also sense that he may have had something of a tendency towards Hypochondria although the nature of his career and lifestyle left little room for such a potential flaw to develop into an actual disorder.

 NB. Please note that I am no expert in these two conditions, I have only been researching them
 for lightly less than 6 months and so my assessment may be wrong.


Goebbels was clearly ahead of his time where the potential for manipulative abuse of mass media is concerned. You could perhaps even say that he laid the corner stone to what would become the order of the day from then on and through till today where the media are still used according to prior laid out and carefully conducted plans created for this very purpose[1*] - which at the end of the day is, and always was, about ultimate power. Wealth alone is but a means to that end.

But I'm not saying anything new here. You don't have to be a psychopath - diagnosed or otherwise - to see through all of this and to understand what the implications are - although your schooling and upbringing can and does in many cases clearly present obstacles particularly for the majority of what we call the ordinary mainstream population. But that too is part of the 'plot'...

And there you have it: Everything you need in order to deem me a paranoid conspiracy monger, it is all right there in the text here above....But I don't see myself that way at all.

I think of myself as a pragmatist.

The fact that I know a minority of powerful and wealthy people around the world wants to make their global influence complete does not come as a shock, it doesn't seem new or unthinkable to me and I don't feel morally alarmed.

Being morally appalled and alarmed will not help us and is a waste of energy. We should instead focus our energy towards solving the problems that this and other global issues present for us, our future and the future of our offspring.

I'm not suggesting people shouldn't feel anything or that they should deny their feelings, but I suggest that they shouldn't dwell on them excessively, meaning beyond what their nature requires in order for them to move on without carrying issues with them subconsciously which haven't been dealt with and solved, given a chance to heal enough for the individual to move on and avoid permanent suffering and hindrance.

My true wish is that people around the world will acknowledge how the reality that we all live in looks - which includes us all, normal people, psychopaths, and all variations of personality types between and outside of the two, that we can meet and put our forces together about finding a way by which through our combined efforts will enable the creation of the best and most positive outcome for everybody.

I do not believe in retreating into the mindset of seeking bloody vengeance so we can re-enact yet another historic version of '"the heroic common population who through a revolution of bloody sacrifice and suffering overcame and hunted down the abusive elite, put them on trial and brought them to justice in the form of public hangings and beheadings".

Bloody sacrifice and suffering may be necessary at certain times in the history of man, but we should explore every possibility of a different path before choosing violence.

To put it short: I don't believe in repeating the past, and the reason for this is that it has been proven again and again that when we followed that path in the past we did not produce the results we were seeking, it simply didn't work or at least did not work efficiently enough and it is therefore now time for us to learn from our past mistakes and find long term solutions that produces better results.

A tentative idea of mine is for the 'normal' majority of people who are often too emotionally governed and the minority of psychopaths who are often too unemotional and governed by intellect alone, to meet and find out together how to put the greatest strengths of each of our personality types to use as a combined whole where one is not left out in favor of the other...

And I assure you that quite contrary to common popular belief the majority of psychopaths are not criminal or even emotional predators. By far the most psychopaths function as constructive contributing members of society, they favor justice and enjoy making others happy[2*], they don't abuse or beat their wives and do not commit fraud or steal from their superiors and colleagues at work.

Such psychopaths could play a very important role in helping society deal with the widespread problem in business, politics and economy that we see today. Where most normal people would eventually back down from pursuing exposure of abusive and fraudulent psychopaths in powerful positions throughout society, psychopathic individuals would - for reasons which you can find descriptions of in articles throughout my website - not be easily, if at all, dissuaded.


[1*] - Of course the 'unprecedented use of media for propaganda purposes' is a truth with modifications since propaganda is nothing new at the time of WWII. It has been in use for centuries, even thousands of years and further back to the so called prehistoric times that precede our current era's track of time which for the most of Western civilization follows the Christian calendar. - So while propaganda was not new and Goebbels almost certainly had access to documents showing how propagandists working for other rulers through history, his was not a completely unique "contribution" to the "art of Propaganda", but there's also no doubt that he did indeed have a special talent for this particular kind of work.

[2*] - if you don't believe me, read the first greater, thoroughly conducted study of psychopaths conducted by Hervey Cleckley who wrote and published a book in which he described his findings and his thoughts, doubts, hopes and ideas: The Mask of Sanity (Click the link to read the book Online or download in PDF format).

Friday, July 21, 2017

Update: About Certain Bad & Possible Good.

This is an update.

I will tell you about the bad times which have lasted for far too long and why they have been so persistent. I will also say something about very good times that may lie ahead, finally.

A small update here... It seems I've been done a lot of apologizing for many months now, and I really am sorry that I haven't been able to keep the website/blog the way I wish to do, not least because I know I still have so much to share and I am still learning a lot of both important and interesting - yes, and entertaining - stuff about the subject of psychopathy and all the many branches that are related to and/or associated with it.

I will be frank, there have been times when I have felt the odds I am up against are just too strong and that I have to admit that I can't possibly beat them wherefore the right thing to do is to stop the project, discontinue the whole thing and slip back into my own little universe where I can focus completely on making money and make myself a fortune once again.

But every time I have felt the temptation to stop, I have also felt the incentive to continue, and now it is no longer a threat of the state and the legal system through the intervention of the Psychopathy Research Program that keeps me at my keyboard, doing research and writing new articles, hoping they will contain some valuable information and be worth my Readers' time.

In fact, the situation looks much more like the opposite to how it was before. Back then they wanted me to write and to publish, but now it seems as if they no longer like what I'm writing. I have to admit that to me it looks suspiciously as if I no longer present the stereotypical psychopath that 'they', the legal and psychiatric establishment, wanted and expected to see from me, and to me there's nothing new about the fact that when you don't deliver what 'they' want you to deliver - which is something that confirms presumptuous myths that serves little else than to uphold a status quo and keep things as they were yesterday, the day before, and the decade or even centuries before.

To make a long story short for now: I can't give up, but I also have to realize that I have been less than optimal with delivering content that it has been my intention to deliver.

Before I end this article I want to add a few facts that also play a rather prominent role in why it is so difficult for me to keep doing a good job with this website and do what I so often have said I would do...

The conditions under which I have to work are more difficult than they would be in almost any other location in the world - except, of course, locations without internet connection and/or access to the basic hardware and software necessities.

And yet, the latter is not entirely unlike the situation I am in right now. The hardware and basic software exist here, but they are very expensive and can be difficult to physically get hold on.

The software is restricted despite it's availability online, and the reason for this is the one factor that causes me the greatest difficulties of all: Laws and regulations.

If I could earn a living from being active on the Internet I would be able to create a vibrant, live, interesting, informative website, and I would have all the time and resources at my fingertips from which to gather some of the most central details as well as any details there are, from which to make a whole lot of articles.

You see, finding information is not free. In order to read most of the scientific and psychiatric/psychology articles, I have to pay, and I can't pay because I still don't have access to my money.

Add to this that doing what I would have to do in order to give this website the boost that would provide feedback in form of more and new contacts and thereby sources of more knowledge and new information(1*) all of which I could use to back up my thoughts and ideas and the things that I already know I have to say about psychopathy (on many levels)....doing this just isn't an option...

Or rather: It isn't an option yet!

I believe it will become an option and perhaps even before we expect it, and I have good reasons to believe so, for the first time since I was released from prison has a change appeared which may turn it all around.

I have to not say too much about it for now, but if I am right, if I and the individuals who are aiming to help me in real life are right, the future will soon look quite different and this website - and that means you guys, ladies and gentlemen, my Readers - may finally get the kind of material that I have been envisioning for so long but which I especially over the past many months have not been able to provide.

I always used to say that if there is even the slightest chance to win, prevail and endure, I will do so every time. And if I am right about what I in rather vague terms have implied above, I will do so also this time because at the end of the day I have just always been a very lucky person. '^L^,

(1*) - I now even have to pay for pictures and images that I use at my blog/website because not doing so can - and will if I become successful) result in law suits now or sometime in the future. This is the reason why I haven't added any pictures to this article, and I may have to continue this practice for a while..

This article is unedited and may contain typos, faulty grammar and syntax.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Psychopathy & Sociopathy Differences & Likenesses.

A Reader asked me what I think about the video about Psychopathy vs. Sociopathy by David Franklin, the maker of the video and the one who uploaded it to his Youtube channel here, so I decided to describe my own views on the the subjects put forth here.

David Frankling is pretty much correct about everything that he says in this video, but I do disagree with his assessment of some of the movie personalities...

The Joker - from movie 'The Dark Knight' (2008), here and here.

In this particular movie The Joker is a portrayal of a Classic Psychopath, there is nothing Sociopathic about him. But I understand it's easy to make mistakes, and as I say above, I think Franklin is right about other things he say in the video, also with regard to The Joker.

Dexter - from the TC series 'Dexter' (2006-2013), here and here.

Dexter is a little more difficult to put into a fixed category (which is often the case with psychopathic personalities in general but in some cases with movie characters in particular because they've been invented with the goal of making a certain impact on the audience, and that impact comes before the correct portrayal of personality types which means this latter aspect often gets sacrificed in favor of making good, sustainable entertainment).

I would still classify him as a psychopath who doesn't score highly in certain areas of lack of emotion and callousness.

Bateman - from movie 'American Psycho (2000), here and here [1*].

Yes, Bateman is a psychopath, there's no two ways about that. But he is also psychotic (mentally ill; he can't distinguish between reality and hallucination/fantasy). In real life a man like Bateman would be caught before it came to the point that we see in the movie, it's not possible to have corpses lying around in a small apartment within a densely populated apartment complex without others realizing that something is seriously wrong. Even more to the point, Bateman is clearly on fast track downward spiral, intellectually disintegrating, in real life he wouldn't be able to maintain the appearance of being an effective asset for very long while working and entertaining a superior position for a very high efficiency and highly competitive business company.

We know that antisocial and violently criminal psychopaths are the result of a combination of genetics and environmental aspects. But sociopathy is a result of environmental factors, generally upbringing and unfortunate circumstances in life at large. While their behavior often appears much the same way that psychopathic behavior does, sociopaths do not lack emotions, in fact part of their reason - sometimes all of their reason - for being anti-social has it's basis in emotional factors such as sense of belonging, loyalty, pride, and more. Sociopaths, unlike psychopaths, bond very effectively with other people, with their family, neighborhood, gang, ideological subculture, etc.

Sociopaths also typically thrive in tight nit groups such as crime syndicates or local street gangs where cooperation, group-work and even the willingness to sacrifice own safety for the survival of the group is a matter of personal pride and sense of honor. Sociopaths often form very deep bonds and friendships within their brotherhood of choice.

On the opposite end of the spectrum we have the psychopaths who do very badly in areas such as what I have just described....unless they're the leader of such a group or fill a function that doesn't require them to work together with others. A lot of psychopaths do very well in jobs like being a hitman and other jobs that provides a lot of space to find own ways of executing the mission, never become too repetitive and generally provides basis for lots of excitement. - When such basic conditions are met psychopaths can be uniquely beneficial also to employers working within legal boundaries (f.ex. government affiliated organizations) and will - unlike pretty much every other group or minority of people - be able to carry out their jobs under pressure that would break another person.

 You don't find many people who will withhold confidential and secret information even under torture (I happen to know this from hand experience, but I'm not alone about this, within the group of a certain minority of psychopaths I'm not even that special. I have met and heard about others).


NB. -- If you are seriously interested in the topic of psychopathy you might find it interesting to do a little research on some of the very recent findings which strongly suggests and supports the notion that psychopathy as a genetic condition does not always necessarily result in - nor does it have to result in - antisocial behavior or life style. Neuro-scientist James Fallon is among the very social non-criminal scientists who found out by accident that his brain pattern is indistinguishable from that of a psychopath. A British scientist found the same to be true about himself (he studies the brain patterns of mass murderers and found that his own brain pattern layout is identical to that of mass murderers; yet, he has never committed a murder in his life and nor does he ever had any inclination to do so).

I could add more, but it goes beyond the topic of your video and I just wanted to mention it in case you would like to learn more about it for yourself.        


[1*] You can watch the whole movie 'American Psycho' here.  

Sunday, July 24, 2016

The "Cannibal Cop", A Psychopath Who Didn't Eat Human Flesh.

Here is, in a short version, my own view on the subject as I posted it by the video at Youtube...

I think Dr. David Greenfield is correct about why we develop strange fetishes seemingly out of the blue. I can certainly trace my own sexuality back to how when I was a child I became aware that female sexuality was something that was seen as indecent, dirty, shameful and punishable, but I wasn't consciously aware of how that connected with how I developed my own sexual sadism even as a pre-teen. Sexuality and gender is not talked about and so there is no way for people to avoid or re-direct negative elements from developing within their sexuality.
As for this cop, he did commit a crime. Giving sensitive information about and pictures of women that he looked up the police database to virtual strangers, people about whom he has no way of knowing whether or not they may (ab)use that information, not to mention the mere fact that he has given that information without the women's consent, that is a crime and because of this - not because of his fantasies  which don't really matter - there's no way he should be allowed back into the police force or any other job of a similar nature.

The thing that stood out the most in when I watched this video and read the comments section below it was that people focused on this guy's fantasies, that this is what made them think him to be evil. Few even mentioned the fact that the actual crime he committed had nothing to do with his fantasies or with cannibalism, it had to do with not respecting people's privacy and abusing his power.

In a society where we're quicker to judge people for what they think about than for what they actually do to one another, how can we wonder why we have been so slow about realizing that psychopathy is more, and - I suspect - often different from merely being somebody who don't care about having a destructive impact upon his surroundings.

I have been thinking about writing a little more about my relationship with sex but I've hesitated because this blog is meant to be appropriate for all ages and all kinds of approaches to religion and life in general. It's not always easy to find where to draw the line.

I have for quite some time been thinking about publishing an article about the two times when as a young man (teenager, really) I 'engaged' in rape, there's a lot that hasn't been said about that and I know the truth will definitely not be what people expect. I may still write that article as I believe it should be easy, or at least possible, to do so without crossing any lines.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Logic Of A Good Psychopath.

Spot on, Mr. Hitchens!

When a psychopath finds himself saying about another that they give psychopaths a worse name than we already have, you know it's got to be REALLY bad.


I have been asked why I, as a psychopath, care about doing 'something good'. I have also tried to answer but perhaps not as clear as I would want to, so here below is an example of my reasoning and how it in my opinion leads naturally to the conclusion that what is good for me is good for everybody - in the long run, at least.

There is undeniably a shift from the more immediate presence oriented gratification seeking which ruled my motivation during my teens and earlier adulthood, but - as I believe I have stated elsewhere - there is also an element of me wanting to try something new which - combined with all that I have learned over the past 5-6 years since I began looking deeper into what kind of person I am and how it affects not only my past but also the possibilities for my future - has lead to what I guess I will call a wider perspective that allows me to include more elements into my considerations when I decide what kind of achievement to aim for and with which approach to do so.

I hope the following gives some insight into my thinking and how I form what to me are logical conclusions.

As for welfare, I believe it's possible to find a place between zero aid and completely giving over all your money and freedom of choice in exchange for an illusion of complete security (as we see it done in some Northern European countries).

I believe medical aid, schools and minimum wage should be available to everybody regardless of economical or social status. If we don't make sure to provide these basic things we'll miss out on a lot of people who could have grown up to become acknowledged as great geniuses and the country's greatest contributors. Without these basic rights things like mere survival, good health and education would simply be passed down almost exclusively within the families of those who are wealthy and rich, but there's no reason to expect the most ingenious and talented people to be born in these families more than they do in any other group of society.

Some will argue that genes run within families, but propensity for developing skill, gaining knowledge and for using these in a way that contributes to and helps the country has only little to do with genetics but a good deal more with a combination of nurture, circumstance and chance. It has furthermore been proven that goodwill and consideration toward others is more often found and taught within less well to do groups in society (for obvious reasons).

So for the sake of the country and thereby for the individual citizen's chance and freedom to pursue personal happiness, we have better take providing fundamental circumstances that allow for everyone to acquire medical aid and education into consideration since it will benefit each of us, not only in terms of personal survival here and now in the form of achievement and wealth, but also in terms of a more long term survival in the form of passing on our genes, and finally in terms of the country's survival and thereby the best possible circumstances for our families to thrive and continue our legacy.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Psychopaths: Control Lest YOU Be Controlled - Part 1.

I'm beginning to wonder why psychopaths develop this mindset, this philosophy or approach to life.

Psychopath's emotions are shallow, but does that necessarily mean that shallow emotions cannot be strong? I remember how when I was a child and genuinely wanted to be and do good, but nobody ever believed me. I'm thinking that the reason for this could well be that people sensed my emotions were shallow and they mistook that for meaning I wasn't sincere and they would even think I was lying. For me this meant that even when I did what I had been told meant I was a good person, and which I believed to be true, it nevertheless meant that I was let down every time I tried to adhere to all the things that we think of as being good and wanting to do good. In fact, it seemed to me that the better a person I was the more I was being rejected, and I didn't understand why. I eventually could only conclude that everything others said about themselves and other normal people being good wasn't true, because why would good people reject someone who was trying to be even better? So I thought they were hypocritical and themselves liars.

It wasn't until sometime within the last four years that I realized how I am different from other people, and that too is a result of others no telling me the truth - mainly because most people simply didn't know the truth, most people don't know what it is about me that makes me different and makes them sense something "is off" about me. But a few people have always known, yet they chose to never tell me, even when I WAS told they used words that deflected the true meaning of what they were saying. They didn't say "You're a psychopath", they said "You're unusual in character" or "You have an uncommon character". This is what I was told the first time I was diagnosed by forensic psychiatrists. I even nodded and approved because I've always known I was different from the norm and I was proud of it because I thought the norm was hypocritical and not good at all.

Now what about the mentality that makes psychopaths think "Hurt lest you get hurt first" and "control or you'll be controlled"? I can only speak for myself, and I don't quite understand it, but every time I have tried to arrange or form an equal relationship or friendship with another person, I have ended up with that person trying to control and change me. The thought I'm having right now is if perhaps people do this because they have this sense that I (and psychopaths in general) am different, the shallow emotion thing again... Maybe they think I'm lying or have a wrong way of thinking because my ideas are controversial, which they are as a result of on one hand me having very bad experiences with normal people, and on the other hand me being less confined by conformist thinking due to my psychopathic shallow emotions and therefore lack of bonding capacity which allows me to think outside the box much more than most people do. It has undeniably led to me being quite willing to confront ideas about the way the average population limits and oppresses each other in a very destructive way, but which they don't have the luxury of admitting to or even investigating the possibility of because it to them is a way of survival, of not loosing hope because realizing how deeply in the grip of willingly giving themselves up to Milgram Experiment effect-like line of thought and actively oppressing and hurting their fellow citizens they are, giving up their freedom in the name of a false sense of safety and security, that will understandably be very depressing to someone with a normal emotional depth.

But I didn't know this until recently. I didn't understand why they were so willing to and actively condoning giving up all freedom and being perversely mean toward each other as a quite normal everyday behavior, I could only conclude that it certainly isn't what good people do, it is in fact evil if anything is. Yet they always said I am the evil person despite it always being me who is willing to try and give up this type of behavior.

And here is the point...

Because I have always believed in being the best person you can be, I have repeatedly throughout the early part of my life set myself up to be abused and attempted put under normal people's control. I wonder if this is what makes most psychopaths conclude that since if you try to create an even basis to interact with others always results in others hurting you and trying to control you, it seems the only way you can avoid this from repeatedly happening again and again is to be the one who does the hurting and controlling. Because it isn't enough to just live and let live, you have to actually allow others to hurt and control you or they won't be satisfied.

What I'm saying is that other may be acting this way toward psychopaths because they sense we're different, they sense our emotions are shallow and think that means we aren't sincere, so they conclude we're lying and we must be bad so they develop antipathy against us and hurt us, or they try to control us because they think that otherwise we'll do something bad or evil, or they simply react with a sense of fear because we don't respond to the emotional bonding thing and I know that can be very unnerving.

I know it can be unnerving because I have tried it. Contrary to common belief that has it that psychopaths cannot fall prey to somebody else's manipulation this can and does happen. Many young teenage psychopaths have experienced this when meeting older and more experienced psychopaths. I had this experience myself once. I was about 19 years old and I met a guy who was 62, but he was very youthful in mind so I didn't feel any generation gap effects, and besides I've never cared about age differences anyway, so I was interested in him because he appeared to be so much in control and so much at ease with everything that I wanted to learn from him.

The first strange thing I experienced with him was that he didn't allow me to take control. I was used to being the one who showed an interest in the other person and asked all the questions, and so I asked him some questions as usual. But he refused to answer and simply firmly stated that now it was not about him but about me. That took me by surprise, but I thought "Okay, I can always turn things around later on, I'll accommodate him for now". But "later on" never really came because when it was my turn to ask questions he just didn't respond like I was used to people doing. It was very confusing and I didn't know what to make of it. I decided to wait and see, I thought eventually he would have to give in to the normal wish to bond and get close to another person, in this case myself. Then he began to behave strangely.

I had begun my singing career at the time and one morning - I was homeless at the time and he'd offered that I could stay at his penthouse apartment which I did (he never advanced on me sexually. If he had I would've been out of there very quickly, but he was an a-sexual psychopath which isn't uncommon for psychopaths who are heavy on the traits under point 1. on the PCL-R, also known as 'classic flat affect psychopaths who aren't necessarily antisocial or criminal). I was in the bathroom and started singing as I usually did when I knew I was going on stage the same day or evening. And then he shouted: "People who sing in the bathroom are crazy!" When I came back out he repeated this and I said "No, that's absurd, a lot of people sing in the bath, it's quite common even among people who don't sing for a living".

Then he did something I have since learned is very common - and a very good check point when you want to spot a psychopath - he had no argument, but he wouldn't give in, so he simply repeated himself: "People who sing in the bathroom are crazy!". I too repeated myself, "No, they're not! Lots of people do it! Surely you must be aware of that?". "People who sing in the bathroom are crazy!". At that point I gave up trying to reason with him, I didn't give him what he wanted - saying "well, maybe you;re right" or something like that - and he knew it, but it was a stalemate for now, so none of us said any more about it.

Later there would be other examples of the very same thing. But what confused me was the way he didn't respond to my attempts to make him feel an emotional bond with me. I had never experienced anything like it. I had met plenty of psychopaths, but I had always spotted them so easily and they'd never appeared interesting in any way, so I'd never tried to get them to become friends with me. In the case of this guy I did try because I thought he had knowledge I could learn from and I had no negative intentions of using it to con others as is so commonly believed about everything a psychopath does with other people. Back then i still continued to try to.. well, bond I guess, because I wasn't aware that I didn't have the ability to do so with anyone. I thought my failure in this department all stemmed from others letting me down by trying to control me or ending up hurting and betraying me.

The next few days a tension grew between us and I knew it was because I failed to give into his ridiculous statements like the one I've described above. But in spite of this, against everything I would've expected, he out of the blue asked me if I wanted to come along for a holiday down south, I wouldn't have to pay for anything, hotel room and food and plane tickets, he was paying for it all.

I knew there was no hidden sexual agenda. He wasn't even gay in the slightest. I had no money at the time (my band was in between contracts and had some difficulty getting our sponsor to pay a decent amount of money), so I thought "Hey, if he wants to pay, sure, I won't tell him not to!", so I said I'd love to go, and I was thinking that this might be a chance to get things back on track between us so I could finally get to know him and learn something from him. The day before we went the tensions were higher than ever and I said "C'mon, let's just have fun now while we're on this trip, okay?" and he replied "Okay".

But he never changed anything, there was just no connection at all. Why was he even interested in me? I didn't get it. Of course I get it now. He was interested in e because I was different from what he was used to meet in other people, he may even have known I was a psychopath myself and wanted to see how far he could push me. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that he knew for a fact that he himself was a psychopath. It was obvious that he had studied psychology, and a few things he said about having been sentenced and how he had behaved in court and stuff, when I myself found out I knew that he knew about himself back then.


Watch out for the next part of: Psychopaths: Control Lest YOU Be Controlled - Part 2.