Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Emotions In Psychopaths & Narcissists.


A very interesting comment was placed under the article 'Does Psychopaths Know They're Psychopaths?' by a Reader who had some very interesting questions regarding differences between Psychopathy and Narcissism. He uses the best known and certainly in my opinion a primer example of someone who represents both conditions to a T: Mr. Sam Vaknin.

And I thought I would take the time to write a little extended answer and publish an article about the subject, in part because the relationship between psychopathy and narcissism is undeniable, but also because it continues - for good reasons - to have an interest in the wider public.


But just before I go ahead and post, I thought I should mention that I have found out what happened to the article I published yesterday and which never showed. It's rather banal and not worth going into detail about, but I happen to have the original text saved, so I will publish it again.

It's a two (or maybe three) parts article, and I will still have to find image, good websites that are worth linking to, selecting labels, and do editing, all of which usually takes at least as long as writing the article itself... No, that's not really true. When I get started writing I am finished in a lot shorter time than any time I have spend on the finishing touches: Edit, links, labels, and proof reading.

First the text from the Reader who asked me and wrote the words, and following after that is my reply which hopefully answers what my Reader is asking. - I will have to say, though, that you seem to have understood quite a lot yourself, and there were times where I could add nothing new. Anyway, here we go:
Do you know this Internet Psychopath called Sam Vaknin? He knows everything about what he stand for and that is total frustration. He can't help it to hate people. He even hates people with not only his mask but also the two childs inside of him hate people. That's one of the main differences between a narcissist and a psychopath. A narcissist is frustrated because the child inside has created a fake ego that defends him from harm. This false ego has the same traits as some ignorant child that wants everything done the way he wants and he lies and manipulates to get it. Children are btw more narcissistic than real grownups that had a normal childhood and got raised without traumatic events. So, narcissists are kinda childish when you understand their behaviour and im sure a pscyhopath can control and hurt a narcissist very easily because a narcissist stands or falls with the need of feeling admired and getting attention the way he tries to control it. Without his ability to control people he falls apart right? PSychopaths dont have this problem right? They can be alone without a problem. Is this really true or do you think at this part the defence mechanism of Sam Vaknin is talking as he knows he is a psychopath instead of the narcissist he claimed to be? In brainscans (documentary I-psychopath) he scored out of the roof on psychopathy. Still, he does it all for money (power). A lot of the traits remain the same.
He also claims he just can't understand what people feel when it comes to emotions. You claim you do feel this because you know the differences. THat means you have to have emphaty orelse you can't see the differences between your emotions or the emotions of others. THat would mean that psychopaths have emotions? Please explain this. Thank you. You can call me Fleetwood if you like. :)
Yes, I know Sam - not offline, and I've only exchanged a few words with him, but I know who he is and what he stands for.

A lot of psychopaths are narcissists too, and if I'm to be completely honest - and I am - I also know how it feels to hate people. I've hated people most of my life, 'even behind the mask'.

That said, I do believe he is more narcissistic than I am, and that's not meant to be degrading, in fact I have some admiration for what he does. He really does take it all the way, and while he would say "I can foresee the outcome of everything I do, so there's nothing brave about it", I'd still say there's something brave about standing up in public and declare that you hate children... he made a short but very honest video on Youtube: 'Narcissists Hate Children and Envy Them'about the subject but even I was too much of a pussy to compliment him for having expressed something I myself have felt when I was younger but still an adult.

The difference, I believe, is that narcissists feel negatively all the time, the emotions Vaknin express in the video I've mentioned are not fleeting or occasional, they're the feelings he have for children every time he is presented for situations where children are involved like he explains.... and - as I said - I do think it is a sign of bravery to be open to this extent, for children is probably the one taboo that none of the rest of us have admitted any ill feelings against.

Well I've finally been open about it now, in this reply, and I'm going to again in a future article. -- But my ill emotions regarding children aren't chronic, and therein lies the difference between Vaknin and other major narcissists, and psychopaths who's narcissism is secondary.

You're right: At least to the outsider who understands a narcissist his feelings appear childish, and he is certainly - a common narcissist is - easy to control when you know the more central things about his emotional life, and they easily fall apart if they loose control and ability to maintain it.

But make no mistake about Sam Vaknin, he's no ordinary narcissist. He may exaggerate here and there about his superiority, but that doesn't mean he has no superiority over most people, he obviously does, and that too deserves admiration - something he never got when it was most important to him.

Your question about psychopaths, about whether or not they can live alone without feeling lonely, that, I would say, is definitely true. I haven't met a psychopath who knows what it means to 'feel lonely'.

Psychopaths can easily be alone.

It is being isolated, not necessarily from people but from the world, it is being isolated from your surroundings whatever they are and being unable to go exploring or go out and build a life for yourself, start doing something good, for example (as in my case, ironically enough); it is things like these that we don't have the capacity to tolerate well.

Had I not luckily arrived at a time in my life, after 3-4 years of deep research and self scrutinizing, I would very likely - or rather, if I'm to be completely honest - I would've gone out and killed people during night time. I would've done it as a way to get an outlet, a means to survive another day or two, and I wouldn't have needed to be paid even though I'm as poor as ever and deeply dependent upon somebody to lend me a hand.

But instead of killing people and stop caring about what I have come to view as possibly the most important thing I will be contributing to society during my life time (if I manage to turn things around!), I become horribly self destructive[1*].

If you have read the last few articles I've published here in the blog, you will know that I am dying - not only from medical malpractice and denied treatment and surgery, but from the isolation that has been forced upon me. I can say with complete honesty that I meet more lonely people outside than I ever did inside prison[2*].

I think I trailed off...[3*]

Make no mistake, Sam Vaknin is no ordinary Narcissist. I suspect that if psychopathy had been in the eye of the media when he began his authorship and started an internet presentation based career, he would've put more emphasis on his psychopathy. And his psychopathy is what enables him to distance himself emotionally when he feels slighted or attacked (as you saw in 'I, Psychopath - at least according to the journalist who must've been an emotionally fragile person, and it doesn't surprise me that it was someone like him who felt drawn to the project. When you experience emotional 'overload' your memory has a way of creating or altering things so that they appear worse than they in reality were.

I myself have experienced this on several occasions, and while in this case it did Sam Vaknin good in that it helped cement his capacity for mental cruelty and control, in my case it has at times led to me being accused of doing or saying things that I didn't do or say, and there's nothing I can do about it because people never believe him who is known as the stronger, bad guy.

Sam Vaknin can distance himself emotionally when the situation calls for it, this is what makes him successful. When he has weak moments he don't show it but retreats, and I suspect that has cost him a few business deals. But that is for him to know and for the rest of us to only guess about.

You write:
He also claims he can't understand what people feel when it comes to emotions.
That must be the emotional level of understanding that he talks about, for he most definitely understands from an intellectual level what people feels very well, just like any other psychopath does. He's also an eminent observer with a very well functioning high intellect, and at least the first is something he has in common with psychopaths everywhere (far from all psychopaths - or narcissists, for that matter - are intelligent let alone highly intelligent, or has an intellect that functions well).

Neither narcissists nor psychopaths understand emotionally what other people are feeling. The psychopaths don't understand it because they lack the neuropsychological ability to feel the emotions themselves, and narcissists don't understand them because they have subliminized these feelings so deeply and so well that they may as well not be there in the first place - though they can be brought to surface with the help or the unrefusable cruel destructiveness of someone who lives to see people's minds fall apart and themselves go into a chronic state of madness of catatonic non-existence.

This, again, is understandably not possible to do to a psychopath, and that is so whether or not he is a narcissist. Psychopaths are simply too well educated in the game of emotional-psychological hide and seek and have fine tuned their cognitive abilities so that only the most narcissistic can be caught off guard or reached that way.

I will say it is reality that psychopaths can absolutely be alone without a problem if they have a reason to do so and put their mind to it (are focused).

Do I think Sam Vaknin is aware that he is a psychopath first and a narcissist second? Well I don't even know that he really IS a narcissist second to being a psychopath. I will say that being a psychopath is the most 'powerful' aspect of his psyche, while being a narcissist is the antisocial way that his personality has grown to develop it's traits most prominently and visible.

You write:
In brainscans (documentary I-psychopath) he scored out of the roof on psychopathy. Still, he does it all for money (power).
No, that is incorrect. If he did it all for money and vague power he would be motivated only by typical psychopathic traits. But remember that Vaknin has an intellect and a background that - if he chose to - he could no doubt use to gain a similar amount of money and vague power, but he wouldn't be able to so it as a free person in the sense that a man like himself needs to do things. There would be a lot of conditions on part of those who gave him the necessary contacts and loans, i.e., to make such an accomplishment.

The truth is he does it very much out of narcissistic motivation: I need to be my own man, I can't be below someone else, I can't answer to others, I know I'm better than others so I have to make my livelihood in a way that gives me sole power and as much money as possibly, but maybe most of all: Narcissistic Supply (= people who have to work with or for him on his terms - some of these people doing this freely since some people will see in him what he is striving to show the world that he is gifted with and can contribute with.


It is true that I say - and keep saying - that I have the capacity to feel empathy, but I am aware that my empathy is shorter lived than that of normal people, unless the person I have empathy remains within my immediate company for an extended time. Even so I will tend to switch my empathy for sympathy, and it is often the case that my sympathy makes me able to do much more for a hurting person than the mpathy I had at first.

Sympathy is the same as empathy but without the emotion, and it is the cognitive understanding of the other person's feelings and situation that make me able to see the whole, the larger picture, where most people see only the person who is hurting (and themselves who are hurting along with that person).


My extended awareness enables me to see what is needed in the situation and make decisions that will get those necessary things done. -- I don't have number of how many times I've taken control on an accident scene - car crash, for example - and been the one who made sure everything went smoothly - or as smoothly as possible in a situation where a lot of people have to follow orders given by one individual who were some of the times much younger than themselves, and who had no visible authority to take any leader position.

I don't know what you mean by: "[I] do feel this because [I] know the differences."

But even so it is true, I do indeed have feelings, and so do most other psychopaths. The reason for this is that psychopathy isn't a set one-fits-all condition, it's a personality scale that has a lot of variation between the individuals, some have a little bit of a lot of different types of feelings or emotions while others have few, but strong emotions. How do you think we would get through life if we felt nothing? We'd have no reason, no incentive to do anything to survive.

The notion of the psychopath as some lizard like being with no human traits at all except for his appearance and ability to talk and mimic social skills, is ridiculous to the point of being outright laughable if it wasn't because it is so unbelievably harmful, not only to the psychopaths - let's forget about us for a second! - but to society and the future of the human race per se!

And that, my friend, is what I have learned, and it is what keeps me going - though I still don't do it as well as I would like, but am struggling to change that.

And I believe I will return strong and capable as I always have! I believe that I will rise again, and I will do so in spite of everything!

"I WILL BE BACK!"

As one certain movie villain said. And be back he did - as a hero!

..........

[1*] - I can't help it, I must do this or... go out and commit very nasty types of violent crimes. So I take lots of drugs to ease the pain and make it possible to sit and write for an hour at the time before it gets too painful, and I drug myself into a stupor when I get so angry or frustrated that I simply can't remain in that situation and therefore have to remove myself from it (which, as we know, isn't physically possible at this time) or give in to horrible urges that I hardly can call urges anymore because they're only a possible outlet.

Other than that I chain smoke and have been forced to eat take-away food from the approx. 1,5 mill citizen capital's only fast food restaurant who delivers past 11 PM, and one such pizza, if I take away most of the fat stuff keeps my weight at a stand still for as far as I only eat one every day. But as another means of trying to numb my frustrations and anger, I have lately eaten more than that, so I'm growing beyond what's healthy or comfortable.

[2*} - I happen to live in the country in the world who has the largest number of 'lonely' and single people (yes, they know this because everything the population does is being registered and recorded - AND kept secret from the population, but that's a future discussion).

[3*] - I used to trail off a lot when I first began keeping this blog. I have a slight dyslexia along with the psychopathic ADHD-like trait being extremely pronounced in me, so it has taken me a LONG time to get over this trailing off to other subjects and forgetting what I was talking about to begin with in the process. That I see this returning is a very clear sign of the seriousness of the damage that my current treatment and overall situation does to me.

Psychopathy And The Role Of Experts.


I published an article yesterday but can't see it anywhere on my blog, so in the meantime until it shows up I will post an exchange between myself and a Reader who asks some very interesting questions about the concept of psychopathy and the role that so called psychopathy experts play... 
I would like your opinion on something. I'm having a bit of trouble with believing this whole 'psychopathy diagnosis'. Why is it that the world has taken on the notion of this diagnosis without trying to objectively evaluate it?
It has to do with some changes in society where people began to put more emphasis on 'order' and uniformness. But just as much does it have to do with the evolution of psychology, the wish to put nature and the world on a formula, again out of a wish for more order, for a world that man could predict and mold as he saw fit. In such a world it is not surprising that people also want to control each other's behavior.
Personally I do believe there is a distinct personality type that is different to other personality types (ASPD,BPD etc.),which has some of the features of Psychopathy. However I don't think it is as black and white as some people suggest. I've met people in my life who have certain features of psychopathy, and I also wonder whether 'psychopathy' is subject to change.
There are indeed happening some very fundamental changes in how psychopathy is viewed right now, but it happens at the cutting edge of psychopathy research and will take a long time to catch on in the general forensic community. 

That said, Hare's musing were not wrong per se, the people he describes exist. The new - or renewal of old - findings are that there are also an even larger group of psychopaths who don't fit the highly antisocial criteria. While psychopathy as such, as a personality type if you will, is genetically inherent in the individual from pre-birth, the antisocial components seems to come down to the old question about upbringing.
WARNING: I'm GOING TO BE A LITTLE MEAN NOW. Dr Robert Hare is full of bullshit. The man has tried to sensationalise this whole concept. He makes around $35,000 a year just because people believe the drivel that comes out of his mouth. I'm saying this all independently to my thoughts around the existence of the psychopathy diagnosis. Whether the man is right or not, he still talks a lot of bullshit. He has tried to stop people publishing work because it goes against his measure, which is food for thought.
Well, psychopaths have been sensationalized for a long time, Hare certainly did not invent that. But it's interesting that he has tried to stop publication of work that disagrees with his own theories. You're not thinking of Don Johnson's 'The Psychopathy Test', are you? He was very hurt over the way Johnson ironicized over the whole concept. Personally I love the book and think it was fresh air in a debate that has too long been all about serial killers and movie characters, i.e.
Also I work in mental health and originally wanted to pursue a career in Clinical Psychology. Now though I am starting to question the whole profession (e.g. I don't like the concept of depriving people of their liberty ,say for example, just because they believe they might be Jesus etc.). Does the concept of a 'psychopath' serve a morally cleansing purpose i.e. there is no way someone 'normal/non-psychopathic' could possibly commit such a heinous crime?
One word: Nazi Germany. - Or IOW, yes, normal people can very much commit such heinous crimes. All they need is to be told by an authority and be given the promise of being 100% responsibility free. 

Another thing is that you can commit heinous atrocities against humans without being criminal at all. We all see it - even though we may not "see" it because it has become the norm. Where I currently live most that we know about humankind has become a parody hidden only just beneath a surface from under which most of people's lives are revolving around mentally and economically hurting and keeping others down. It's all about fear of seeing that they have lost their own humanity, sold their souls for a false sense of security by suspecting everything that walks and talks and pledging eternal obedience to the state. Half the population lives alone and about half the population works for this faceless state that has cleverly arranged it so that they can never be held responsible for any wrongdoing.
Anyway to sum up these are my thoughts on the topic. I could be entirely wrong, and I am quite open to adapt my beliefs if I'm presented with new evidence. I am simply contemplating the topic. Nonetheless ,whether psychopathy is a static, black and white diagnosis or not, we can't deny the amount of money that is to be had from such a concept.
Well seen. Still, I think the question is more about how we define psychopathy than whether people like myself exist or not. But again, sensationalize anything and you can make a lot of money from it. 
P.S: I hope you find some relief from the knee pain, as someone who suffers from arthritis I can empathise a little (I am in my early 20s).
Thank you. I have met several people over the years who suffered with arthritis, and I remember wondering how hurtful and limiting it must be to have such a condition. I had a neighbor once who used to come over so I could button up her blouse and jacket. I was impressed by her always apparently good spirit, though she took a lot of drugs to withstand the pain she was always ready with a smile and interested in hearing the latest news.

I don't know if I have told you what you wanted to know, but then, I myself am also not quite without pain these days and it has a way of messing with your ability to focus. And, as we know, I have issues in that regard already, so... But don't hesitate to ask me again if I missed something.

..........

PS. I would have posted this Reader's text in it's entirety, but it came up on a white background like we saw a recent article do. The text can be viewed under the article named 'A Psychopath Begins To Tell His Story' in the comments section.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

I'm A Middle Aged & Mellowing Psychopath.


When I was A Child I had Certain Beliefs, certain Convictions, And Certain Wishes for My Future, for How My Life Would Be and for What I Would Accomplish.

I don't know how typical I am as a psychopath, but I guess most psychopaths think likewise about themselves.

What I do know is that I always thought I would find a Soul Mate, and for many years I expected to fall in love like I saw others do. A lot of broken Illusions could have been avoided if somebody had told me that the way I would - or will, if I get the chance - be able to connect with a woman is not the same way that most people connect with a special person. 

Such a person could've told me that I cannot love in the same way that normal people love, and a little later in life there were a few who tried to tell me this. But by then I had already had so many negative experiences with people filling me with false hopes and/or condemning me for being a non-human at the same time - a long line of disappointed expectations and encounters with what I will still to this day call plain and simple mean cruelty towards someone who was different from the norm - and so I did not listen to these people when I finally met some who told me the truth about me not being able to love the same way that normal people love.

So I disregarded what these few individuals said and continued on with my belief that without doubt I would some day meet someone I would love and who would love me.

Now, that I am about midways through my life, I am experiencing what professionals said I wouldn't: I am going through the famous mellowing that most psychopaths go through around this time in their lives (though for most it happens earlier), and maybe it is time I explain a little more about what mellowing means to me.

I have always had an energy that got me running like a steam train without breaks. Robert Hare calls it the psychopath's ADHD-like behavioral element[1*]. This energy used to block off much of what other people tried to tell me, and that coupled with my bad experiences with listening to others at all, made me run in my own direction which turned out to be very bad choices in many cases. I thought I couldn't trust what anybody else told me, so I had to experience everything for myself.

Hence the first murder, hence the rapes, and hence so many other bad things, some of which at the time gave me those big thrills that I always craved so much.

I will in an upcoming article point to some things about me in my very early life which - in my opinion, and, I'm sure, in the opinions of those psychopathy researchers who have given the world the latest groundbreaking and most important discoveries about psychopaths as we are in reality rather than in the speculation of somebody's mind,... they will share this opinion of mine, the opinion that I had in my Neurogenetic make-up all the traits of what should've become what Kevin Dutton calls a Good Psychopath, a pro-social psychopath and a non-violent, non-criminal and non-abusive psychopath.

More on that in a later article, but for now I will tell you that all the thrills and curiosity satisfying bad deeds that I have done in the past, were done in another era and I have changed profoundly since then - funny enough, I didn't change much in prison, it was when I came out and got access to a computer, and finally when I began to seriously study and do research about what psychopathy is and how it might relate to myself... It was this that brought about the real change.

And now I can honestly say that I have no wish to neither repeat nor do something similar as I did before my imprisonment. I have absolutely no wish to return to that way of life.

And after all, I have already lived that life, so why would I do it again? Especially with the understanding of how hollow my reasons were for what I did, it simply is something I will not return to - even though I sense it is expected of me, and at least two different of my psychopathy research affiliated supervisors have an urge to push me back into that life style that they aren't even consciously aware that they have and that they're acting out every time they're around me. But thanks to my natural instinct for psychology I know exactly what they're doing and I never take advice from neither of them (though of course I have to play the game and pretend to find their suggestions noteworthy and of special interest).

I have no lust for blood or for being violent anymore. I was that way for most of my life, and now all I want is to be given a chance to live a non-criminal life, a life with someone whom I can take care of and who's side I can stand beside throughout the remaining years of our lives. I am not good at cooking or other house keeping activities (though I can help and also learn fast), but I am good at everything practical that a house needs done.

If I had a knee implant, or an amputation (which may be called for because by now it may be too late for a knee implant - I'll need expert orthopedic surgeons to decide that) and prosthesis, so I can walk almost normally, there isn't much I can't do.

And this is what mellowing coupled with traits I were born with, as well as my own hard work during the last 3-4 years, has meant to me. I have changed and will never again be the guy everybody fears - though I can always do what's needed if somebody I care for is being threatened - that part never goes away: What you've once learned will remain in your repertoire of skills.

I wonder if I will be allowed to live like normal people - like surely most psychopaths do. I can see myself and a woman I love, a woman who is my equal and who will never need to be afraid of me, ever!! - in a house or apartment in San Francisco, or Philadelphia, or anywhere is a possibility, South America or England for instance - but not Northern or North Eastern Europe.

Ah, but I better stop dreaming. Hope is necessary, but to start thinking somebody might like you enough to let you make her happy is a dangerous thing.

I will never be 'normal' in the way that 'normal' people are 'normal', but I don't have to be normal to be happy or to make others happy, and that is all that matters to me.

..........
[1*] - I can add that this ADHD-like condition of mine has made my inability to walk, run, sit normally, and sleep in a bed like other people, which is the result of me not receiving a knee implant, also interferes severely with my ability to focus. I can hardly read a book because of this, and maybe me Reader can see why it also makes my keeping this blog a major accomplishment, something I really want to do but which I am regularly too impaired to do. And I hope I have your understanding and patience for I promise you I am doing my very best - and yes, I Will get it done!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A Psychopath In Dire Need To Connect.


I'm a Psychopath, yes, but I am so much more. Now I am on My Way, or on A Way, and through - or rather in, most certainly - a Tunnel (example). It's a Tunnel Dark and Foreboding, and filled with Dread that I may never get away from where I currently reside and live in Enslavement and Poverty. Dread [1*] that I may never meet that One Woman Who Will Care For Me as I WIll Most Definitely Care For Her, and For Who's Side I Will Stand Beside For Life (and a Good Psychopaths' Loyalty Knows No Bound![2*]. Dreading that My Life will Amount To Nothing, that My Ambition and Visions of Making A Difference In The Psychopathy Debate will never come to be because I don't have the IT Skills nor the Money available To Pay for Others To Help me with it.

Maybe it's my time. Not to live my dreams, but to leave this world. I have so much more to say, about the reasons for all the bad things I've done - reasons that may astound some people who think psychopaths do bad things just because they feel like it and do them on a whim - a view that I myself have helped somewhat to create because I didn't know very much about psychopathy at the time, I was newly released from prison and had no experience with the Internet, so I went with what I saw other psychopaths do who came forth to apparently tell the truth about themselves and their condition.

At the same time I fell in with a crowd o9n a website which was very much into the 'psychopaths/sociopaths are badass, man!". The author herself wasn't on this bandwagon, I must add, but she encouraged it among her readers nevertheless while at the same time she was the first and - at the time - only experience I had ever had with someone who wrote things that were almost similar to my own feelings, thoughts, ways, oddities and abnormalities.

At the same time I had, by the team who supervised me and ran the psychopathy research test program - been deemed one of the fewer psychopaths who do NOT mellow with age, and indeed I felt this was true, because I felt I was ever as energetic and holding the selfsame views that I always had.

Little did I know that as my public announcement of what I was and how I saw things would lead to an actual study, research into what psychopathy really is. And I found it to be in the process of changing quite a bit these latest few years - though not so where I'm now stuck living, though, quite the contrary, but that's another story.

By now it's been little more than 3,5 years that I've run my blog, and I've done serious study for at least 2,5 years if not more. And little did I know that my research would bring me knowledge that I had never dreamed possible. I would learn to see psychopaths and their behavior, plus the background for our behavior, from the viewpoint of non-psychopaths and from the professional forerunners in the research.

Least of all did I know that it would change me profoundly, that I would indeed mellow, but freely and voluntarily. I would gain one major new ambition, and it was this simple one: To become a law abiding and positively contributing member of society, I would give back from all the wrong I have done, and I would - if at all possible and if anybody would have me - married or at least live with a close special other, someone who would be my companion throughout life.

I've always wanted this, but I've been too arrogant to believe it could be such a deep wish as it has become. But here it is, and without someone to live a normal life with, and without being able to leave this place and this country, I will die soon. Of that I am no longer in doubt. But that too is another story.

My final words in this article is a plea meant for the ears of the very people who will absolutely most likely not listen:

..........

PS. I apologize for the condition of this article. 

I have no idea why the text shows on white background (and in some places the writing itself is grey). I have tried to correct it, even written the whole article anew by hand (no copy & paste), but it remains the same. I hope my Readers are able to decipher what I have written for I don't see how I can change it.

..........

[1*] - See also Fear and Angst found on the same page.

[2*] - Loyalty is something I've been particularly known for and have proven myself capable of throughout my life - sometimes to my own undoing. But this is a topic for a future article.

Monday, April 20, 2015

A Psychopath Begins To Tell His Story.


I was asked how I deal with Extreme Input (or Excitement-) Deprivation, what the Professionals call Boredom. And I answered The Truth: I knock myself out with Sleeping pills/Benzodiazepines. I don't think I mentioned that I mix these pills with Painkillers which I get because I am in constant Physical Pain due to an injury that this state has refused to heal since I was rushed Consciousless into the ER - this was after having been denied a Second Opinion for about a year during which this injury, which began as a small tick infection, now had become a full blown Infection that was now Critically Life Threatening and which, as it turned out, made it necessary to remove my knee. 

This could all have been avoided if my Physician (he was really working for the state... almost all doctors here are, though some have private clinics on the side for the rich(*)) hadn't refused me a reference to have the knee looked at by experts - after he himself admitted that he gave up finding out what kind of bacteria was creating the infection.

Of course I was meant to get a Knee Implant just like everybody else. It is not normal to let people walk around with a stiff and shortened leg which creates extreme imbalanced friction in the rest of the body, in your muscular as well as your bone structure which makes the patient completely disabled and invalid usually within a couple of years (it's taken 15 years with me, but I'm unusually strong), it's just not something you do anymore, not even to people in prison for murder with a life sentence. I mean, it isn't done anywhere else that I know of, but where I currently reside, and here I am the only individual I have been able to find who is forced to live with this condition.

A knee implant is today an orthopaedic surgery which is considered considered routine, and I myself have an acquaintance (a guy who is very obviously a psychopath but who has flown below the radar and never got caught for his crimes which, admittedly compared to mine are less serious) who two years ago began to feel pain in his left knee, went to his doctor, and immediately was given a time to meet up at the hospital 14 days later where he got his knee surgery. He's was back to work and living his life as usual within little more than 2 months during which he went through Physical Therapy Treatment twice a week.

I could only watch and had been denied this almost ten years before the described happened to him which turned out to be a case of slitage. I'e had the same in one knee since I was 16, due to over training Martial Arts, so I'm aware that it is very uncomfortable to live with.

How painful is my condition now? Maybe a little more about that in the next part of this article.

But I was denied this. And since I also did not have access to the money I've 'earned' over the years and stored away in banks overseas, I had to save up in a slower fashion and arrange to get the surgery done in a Private Hospital (example) in India. As mentioned, I was on pain medication which I informed the surgeon about in our correspondence and asked him to give me a guarantee that I would receive this medication during my stay as I would otherwise likely become ill and unsuited for surgery. He complied and send me in his own hand writing a Signed Guarantee vowing I would be given the medication I'd listed and upon which I depended.

But once I arrived things were different. They did not give me the medicine I needed and I became physically too weak to receive surgery wherefore he send me back to whence I came - this hell hole, which have caused me all the pain I have ever received, and that despite if there's a place I haven't been criminal and where I have been trying to change my ways (and succeeded, mind you!), this place is also where all human rights have been completely set aside, eventually bringing my situation to the point where it is now at.

How could the private hospital where I had been given all the guarantee one can wish that things would be done according to law and regulations, be putting my rights aside almost as if it were the same place from which I had left to get this surgery done?

The answer is simple, and I knew about it before I traveled to India but took the chance because it was the only chance I had at the time. I assumed my naturally commanding presence, my ability to 'bond' with people and make them see things my way would take care of the rest, but in reality I had little or next to no contact with the leading staff as well as this surgeon himself whom I met three times for a few minutes each, two of which times I was too ill to really make my dominant traits felt by anyone. And here's the first and most important aspect: I had nobody with me who could stand up for me or speak my case when or if I got in a state that didn't allow me to do so myself.

They knew it, and I knew it, but they took advantage of it, and the surgeon didn't even disguise the fact that this was what he was doing. He even covered his tracks, so to speak, by adding in my journal that I had numerous times told the staff I wanted to go home and they had eventually complied. All lies. I never asked to go home. If I had said much of anything I can assure you it wouldn't have been that!

This was my first directly personal experience with how vulnerable you become if you're alone when in a weakened state.

And since that time everyday things in life have become a battle - more and more by the day because I so deprived - to use the professionals' beloved term: I'm so BORED! that with the extra burden of everything being more and more painful, it has begun to take it's toll on my ability to remain stable and persistent in my work with this website and other everyday matters. 

There have been times where I believe I could find other ways to get surgery and to make new social and financial connections, but I have found that the system in this state, this country, which is Northern European but more of a Socialist and Police State than they let on... Sure, the US knows how they really are, and so do many other countries, but they nobody cares (except organizations like Amnesty International and others like them, who have this country very high towards the top of their list, among the third world countries and regimes that we all know negates human rights; but their incessant attempts to make people aware and react are largely ignored, not least by this country itself - it's usual practice is to ignore everything that is unpleasant and criticizes their ways) and other countries allow this one to continue to ignore all their citizen's their Human Rights, Constitutional Rights, Political Rights, etc. etc, because internationally this country plays nice and does what the more powerful nations want from them. It's no big deal to them if they have to buy new, expensive War weaponry and super jets that a small country such as themselves will normally not be able to afford, because after all, the population will be paying the whole thing.

The worst effect of Socialism when it's been extended as far into every detail of the nation's daily life as is the case here, is that it divides the population. When you are forced to pay everything to the state and your basic human rights are stripped from you, you become dependent on the state to take care of everything for you, and your belief in yourself dwindles (this is why this country has one of the world's largest annual suicide rates - though the last 3 years or so the numbers have been tampered with and you can no longer see it by Googling the Global Statistics (Global Statistics Example) of these and other matters of the same nature. 

It changed in one year, it happened that fast. From being able to look it up like you look anything up, and see the actual numbers, being able to confirm their likelihood of being honest because you're living among these people - to the following year just seeing nice, generalized numbers that are obviously made just to look good and put people's minds at ease....and then they have convinced the global community that this state has a next to zero rate of corruption...

- There's a reason for this belief as well as a certain grain of truth that has it's cause in aspects of how the system in that country is build up to function, but which we will have to go further into in a future article. And there may be some future articles on these matters because they play a big role in not only why I have begun to loose faith in my ability to actually, practically, make it out of here alive without help from anybody, as well as having a deep seated and prominent role in causing my psychopathy to take the form it did when I was a young kid and a young man - because I have ties to this place that I wasn't aware would be so powerful in their capacity to take away people's hope, their joy about living, and even their ability to believe in themselves as good, worthy beings.

I realize that I've opened up for a subject that will take some writing and therefore fill nicely, text wise, and take some time too, so I'm going to part it up in more than one article. I don't know how many parts there will be, time will show. 

There may also be other articles in between posting the next parts of this article, and that'll probably be a good thing. But I hope writing this article series will help give many of my Readers some of the insight into my background that you have asked for all along - because this is what it'll be. It may open up slowly, adding more aspects and past experiences that'll give you some of the understanding about 'who is Zhark?' that you didn't find answered in my other Autobiographical Bits (<-- that's a Label or - as I call it - a Topic(1*)). 

A lot of it is mainly about something else but contains bits of autobiographical past experiences which - to those really interested in the mind and workings of an admitted (and diagnosed) psychopath - may be worth reading. Also, not every article I've written is boring, y'know. ~L^,

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Finally, before I leave, I would like to tell you, my Readers, that so far it is You who have been keeping me going. 

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(1*) - Instead of the term 'label' I use the more suitable word 'Topics'. You will see it in the column to the left. You can use it find specific topics. If you want to read some articles where I describe experiences from early in life or just from my youth, or even things that have happened more recently you might want to take a look at the articles that show up if you click the word 'Autobiographical Bits' in the Topics column. If I have written an article about the topic you're looking for, it'll be on that list. 

PS. Alternatively, if you don't find anything that describes what you're looking for, you are always welcome to send me an email and suggest that I write about it. '^L^,

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Psychopaths & The Supernatural.



Reader posted a comment under the article 'Psychopaths & Supernatural Experiences. He wrote it a long time ago, but it stuck with me because it's about a subject that you can say is close to my heart. So now I've decided to not only re-post it, but to reply to it as it unfolds...
"I believe ... psychopaths are highly sensitive. I am highly sensitive. I'm not a christian, not a satanist, but if I had to choose I would choose spiritual satanist, or maybe a gnostic luciferian."
This could have been me who wrote this 20 year ago.
"What I mean to talk about is that, what you psychopaths feel, some of them might be demons. I have had many experiences with them, for real, I've seen them too. And I'm not mentally ill. I feel them as I would feel humans."
For people everywhere who experience and sense what we call 'the Spiritual World' or the 'Astral Plane' (my personal name of choice is The Wider Reality) these days, and especially since the took on it's heartless dogmatism and brutally persecuted everybody who didn't follow Christianity - As It Was Interpreted To Be The Only Real Truth At Any Given Time - and which in current day has grown into a materialism never before encountered, a materialism where being a believer of not just any religion, but even of Christianity, is looked upon as something we slightly pity - these gullible people who can believe in words written in a book!!... We think of them as largely children who have lost their way but who'll eventually find their way back to reality.

These people -not only the Christians, but people who may not even have a faith, experience supernatural things that simply cannot be explained otherwise, and they're being ridiculed and laughed at, sometimes never to be believed again. So NO WONDER people keep quiet about having experiences of so called Supernatural nature. But I tell you, it is far more common than we are in habit of thinking. Even people who have the very same out-of-body experiences as we've had look at us as if're ready to be committed immediately because we're obviously insane. Indeed, those who have the experiences themselves are often the best at playing the game "I don't believe in that crazy talk! She must be lying" or "What'll it be next week" She just wants attention, and besides, I always knew something wasn't completely right in her brain!"

Now as for psychopaths and normal people and whether we are different in what we experience or how we feel about it, I guess that normally we are different.

We're used to think of it as something that is deeply dependent on emotion, and not just love, compassion or empathy, thought these when felt truly and strongly, can mediate strong experiences.. Now the truth is that any emotion can accomplish this if it is strong enough, not just empathy or love. Indeed, very negative emotions can be just as powerful is rarely progressive. That's why we hear about satanic cults who have called upon some Demon and created havoc in an area.
"I think that not all demons aren't bad, I think that it's possible that a human can be more evil than some demons."
I have held back with saying this because it is so obviously non Christian, but now that you, a Reader of mine have proven to be more brave than I, I can no longer hold my tongue and insist I am telling the truth.

Demons are definitely not all bad, and angels are certainly not all angelic. In fact it is just as often the opposite way around, and the reason for that is the reason why the whole world exists as a whole: If there were such a strict line between good and evil, the two would be parted eternally in a way that could never reconciled because it would be two halfs not of the same thing, but of two different things, namely Good, and Bad.
"And feeling chosen? There's no doubt that demons would like to work with you and like you, mainly because lack of empathy and that you're highly sensitive."
Being Chosen in modern day is obviously very difficult because we live in a very a-religious era where all right people has to be chosen for all the right for the right positions,..people who - like you - aren't in it for the Glory, the gold and wealth, and the position, and these things often begins to softly creep in, often when your mind is most at ease.

When that happens, you know the time has come when you will be tested (again): Will you be able to lay it all behind you, your millions, your social status, your contracts, your tours, your beautiful houses, your yacht and your cars that you would've died for rather than seeing them go to another buyer...even your marriage! Your health because now nobody will allow you the treatment you have the right by law to receive, because now you're in the hands of the state, and in that country state is law, the state is god!!

A smaller Demon will always be interested in a human being while a larger Demon or Angel will be interested in people who are what we call Chosen. The interest does however also depend upon you. It is with this as with almost everything in life, it goes two ways. Only creatures with god-like status like Christ or Satan can force their will upon a person with next to no fight from the Chosen (ex. of Chosen people in various cultures),

Will you leave it all behind and watch your health wane while your money are frozen overseas, money you may never see again even though it wasn't much but nevertheless a $ twenty+ million that would make it possible for you to start over again - some would even say in style?...Would you take your "repentance" so far?

Would you let it all go for such a test because you had to be true to yourself?... I did.

Some would say that a psychopath would never act this unselfish. Well guess what, it was unselfish! But would I do it again? Now that I know what I would face, the hypocrisy, the narrow minded and small mindedness that I have never known, the envy that I never understood (even though they say it's such a typical trait in psychopaths), I don't know.

I've spoken about this before, but let me say it again: I can be sadistic, yes. But it is never out of envy. It can be out of anger if someone who thinks I should be envious of him plays on that, but never because of envy in and on itself. I've never seen the point! If I see someone wearing a hat I would like to wear, I don't get mad at him, I'll just make sure I get that had too, and a version that is better that his, that's all Not even now that I'm pretty much at the bottom. No, what drives me is something much cleaner that that.

Perhaps this is why I always liked the movies where the villain - despite that he looses - has the last word and says something that sticks with our minds long after the movie screen has faded away. Someone who was wise after all. This is also why we like Hannibal Lecter in spite of ourselves. Just see how much franchise is produced over this one movie character: here.

I guess we should end this article with the ever recurring question: Can psychopaths be religious?

And the answer is: Yes, psychopaths can be religious just as other people can be religious....Or perhaps that isn't quite true. Psychopaths can be religious alright, even more so than most others, but be religious 'like' others we cannot. - Or let me say it this way: I've met and seen/observed a good number of religious psychopaths, some of which were faking religion. But I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about, and interested in, those who really does believe in this or that religion - not rarely, by the way, a religion that no one else believes in because one one else has heard of it. It was custom made to the psychopath, made precisely to form and fit with his mind and inner workings,

The funny thing, you might say, is that this is the case for everybody who reaches a high state of religiousness. You simply cannot be ultimately and personally religious in the exact same way that everybody else would be....But that is a story for another article.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Psychopath: Language & The Meaning of Words.


Psychopaths use Language Differently from how Normal, Neurotypical people use it. We often apply more elaborate Meaning, but less Emotional Foundation, to Words than Normal People do because our Brains Function and Process Language, Meaning, and Emotion Differently from Non-Psychopathic People's Brains. 

Psychopathy researchers and psychologists have known this for years, possible for several decades, it is not new to them. In this article I am going to describe with an example how I use words differently from the people around me.

Robert Hare, in his book 'Without Conscience', writes about the shallow emotions of psychopaths. One of the examples he gives to convey this goes something like this: "They (the psychopaths) will typically say 'This is fascinating'", using the word 'fascinating'. And for me it is true, I do use that word - a lot. But...

- That line stuck with me. I think it's a little strange because to me it has always seemed that most normal people, when they say "This is so interesting" or "How interesting, don't you think?', display shallow emotions. It's like a display of lazy curiosity. I guess I find it shallow because mostly, when people say something like "isn't it interesting?", I see absolutely nothing interesting in the subject they're talking about at all, and very often I know they're not really interested either - at least not enough so to actually investigate further. I.O.W., it's just words to show you're a social and friendly person.

I don't hear the word 'fascinating' be used in that manner - except for a few exceptions where it was used as a group relative semi-slang that these people simply used instead of the word 'interesting' to show they had linguistic finesse and weren't plain (How 'interesting'! *yawn*).

Isn't the word 'fascinating' a reflection of stronger emotions than the word 'interesting'? I believe the link above shows that I'm right when I say it is.

I see it this way: When something is interesting, it is simply logically interesting, there's nothing emotional about it, you're merely making a neutral observation (ref. also the link 'interesting' above). But when I use the word 'fascinating' about something, it means there's an emotional element involved, I want to investigate further because it connects with a personal interest that I have in the subject.

Maybe  Doc. Bob Hare simply meant to say that we psychopaths use the word 'fascinating' without really understanding or knowing about the emotional connotations that this word entails, that we use it to fake emotional interest and that we do it habitually (since Hare notices that we use it a lot). After learning that I fit the criteria for having the psychopathy diagnosis, I very often question myself about how accurately my emotional experience fits the meaning of the words that I use to express myself when I communicate with others. And while I have found many examples where I obviously don't have the actual feelings behind the words I use, I've also found a lot of cases where I'm just not entirely sure.

But this will not come as a surprise to Doc. Robert D. Hare, he was the first to discuss the many examples where people - probably mostly psychopaths - have some degree and type of feeling about something. But it is a very unclear and murky kind of feeling that even the person themselves aren't really sure about, that we don't know what to call, and definitely don't know how to describe or explain.

Conclusion: While there clearly are psychopaths who deliberately fake an interest where they have none by saying "How fascinating!", this doesn't fit in my case. I don't use the word 'fascinating' if I'm really not interested, I'll be more likely to use the word that those i am communicating with would be using, and I generally dislike rigid linguistics, I mush prefer to allow language to be a fluid ever changing tool, just like life itself which never stays the same.