Monday, April 20, 2015
I was asked how I deal with Extreme Input (or Excitement-) Deprivation, what the Professionals call Boredom. And I answered The Truth: I knock myself out with Sleeping pills/Benzodiazepines. I don't think I mentioned that I mix these pills with Painkillers which I get because I am in constant Physical Pain due to an injury that this state has refused to heal since I was rushed Consciousless into the ER - this was after having been denied a Second Opinion for about a year during which this injury, which began as a small tick infection, now had become a full blown Infection that was now Critically Life Threatening and which, as it turned out, made it necessary to remove my knee.
This could all have been avoided if my Physician (he was really working for the state... almost all doctors here are, though some have private clinics on the side for the rich(*)) hadn't refused me a reference to have the knee looked at by experts - after he himself admitted that he gave up finding out what kind of bacteria was creating the infection.
Of course I was meant to get a Knee Implant just like everybody else. It is not normal to let people walk around with a stiff and shortened leg which creates extreme imbalanced friction in the rest of the body, in your muscular as well as your bone structure which makes the patient completely disabled and invalid usually within a couple of years (it's taken 15 years with me, but I'm unusually strong), it's just not something you do anymore, not even to people in prison for murder with a life sentence. I mean, it isn't done anywhere else that I know of, but where I currently reside, and here I am the only individual I have been able to find who is forced to live with this condition.
A knee implant is today an orthopaedic surgery which is considered considered routine, and I myself have an acquaintance (a guy who is very obviously a psychopath but who has flown below the radar and never got caught for his crimes which, admittedly compared to mine are less serious) who two years ago began to feel pain in his left knee, went to his doctor, and immediately was given a time to meet up at the hospital 14 days later where he got his knee surgery. He's was back to work and living his life as usual within little more than 2 months during which he went through Physical Therapy Treatment twice a week.
I could only watch and had been denied this almost ten years before the described happened to him which turned out to be a case of slitage. I'e had the same in one knee since I was 16, due to over training Martial Arts, so I'm aware that it is very uncomfortable to live with.
How painful is my condition now? Maybe a little more about that in the next part of this article.
But I was denied this. And since I also did not have access to the money I've 'earned' over the years and stored away in banks overseas, I had to save up in a slower fashion and arrange to get the surgery done in a Private Hospital (example) in India. As mentioned, I was on pain medication which I informed the surgeon about in our correspondence and asked him to give me a guarantee that I would receive this medication during my stay as I would otherwise likely become ill and unsuited for surgery. He complied and send me in his own hand writing a Signed Guarantee vowing I would be given the medication I'd listed and upon which I depended.
But once I arrived things were different. They did not give me the medicine I needed and I became physically too weak to receive surgery wherefore he send me back to whence I came - this hell hole, which have caused me all the pain I have ever received, and that despite if there's a place I haven't been criminal and where I have been trying to change my ways (and succeeded, mind you!), this place is also where all human rights have been completely set aside, eventually bringing my situation to the point where it is now at.
How could the private hospital where I had been given all the guarantee one can wish that things would be done according to law and regulations, be putting my rights aside almost as if it were the same place from which I had left to get this surgery done?
The answer is simple, and I knew about it before I traveled to India but took the chance because it was the only chance I had at the time. I assumed my naturally commanding presence, my ability to 'bond' with people and make them see things my way would take care of the rest, but in reality I had little or next to no contact with the leading staff as well as this surgeon himself whom I met three times for a few minutes each, two of which times I was too ill to really make my dominant traits felt by anyone. And here's the first and most important aspect: I had nobody with me who could stand up for me or speak my case when or if I got in a state that didn't allow me to do so myself.
They knew it, and I knew it, but they took advantage of it, and the surgeon didn't even disguise the fact that this was what he was doing. He even covered his tracks, so to speak, by adding in my journal that I had numerous times told the staff I wanted to go home and they had eventually complied. All lies. I never asked to go home. If I had said much of anything I can assure you it wouldn't have been that!
This was my first directly personal experience with how vulnerable you become if you're alone when in a weakened state.
And since that time everyday things in life have become a battle - more and more by the day because I so deprived - to use the professionals' beloved term: I'm so BORED! that with the extra burden of everything being more and more painful, it has begun to take it's toll on my ability to remain stable and persistent in my work with this website and other everyday matters.
There have been times where I believe I could find other ways to get surgery and to make new social and financial connections, but I have found that the system in this state, this country, which is Northern European but more of a Socialist and Police State than they let on... Sure, the US knows how they really are, and so do many other countries, but they nobody cares (except organizations like Amnesty International and others like them, who have this country very high towards the top of their list, among the third world countries and regimes that we all know negates human rights; but their incessant attempts to make people aware and react are largely ignored, not least by this country itself - it's usual practice is to ignore everything that is unpleasant and criticizes their ways) and other countries allow this one to continue to ignore all their citizen's their Human Rights, Constitutional Rights, Political Rights, etc. etc, because internationally this country plays nice and does what the more powerful nations want from them. It's no big deal to them if they have to buy new, expensive War weaponry and super jets that a small country such as themselves will normally not be able to afford, because after all, the population will be paying the whole thing.
The worst effect of Socialism when it's been extended as far into every detail of the nation's daily life as is the case here, is that it divides the population. When you are forced to pay everything to the state and your basic human rights are stripped from you, you become dependent on the state to take care of everything for you, and your belief in yourself dwindles (this is why this country has one of the world's largest annual suicide rates - though the last 3 years or so the numbers have been tampered with and you can no longer see it by Googling the Global Statistics (Global Statistics Example) of these and other matters of the same nature.
It changed in one year, it happened that fast. From being able to look it up like you look anything up, and see the actual numbers, being able to confirm their likelihood of being honest because you're living among these people - to the following year just seeing nice, generalized numbers that are obviously made just to look good and put people's minds at ease....and then they have convinced the global community that this state has a next to zero rate of corruption...
- There's a reason for this belief as well as a certain grain of truth that has it's cause in aspects of how the system in that country is build up to function, but which we will have to go further into in a future article. And there may be some future articles on these matters because they play a big role in not only why I have begun to loose faith in my ability to actually, practically, make it out of here alive without help from anybody, as well as having a deep seated and prominent role in causing my psychopathy to take the form it did when I was a young kid and a young man - because I have ties to this place that I wasn't aware would be so powerful in their capacity to take away people's hope, their joy about living, and even their ability to believe in themselves as good, worthy beings.
I realize that I've opened up for a subject that will take some writing and therefore fill nicely, text wise, and take some time too, so I'm going to part it up in more than one article. I don't know how many parts there will be, time will show.
There may also be other articles in between posting the next parts of this article, and that'll probably be a good thing. But I hope writing this article series will help give many of my Readers some of the insight into my background that you have asked for all along - because this is what it'll be. It may open up slowly, adding more aspects and past experiences that'll give you some of the understanding about 'who is Zhark?' that you didn't find answered in my other Autobiographical Bits (<-- that's a Label or - as I call it - a Topic(1*)).
A lot of it is mainly about something else but contains bits of autobiographical past experiences which - to those really interested in the mind and workings of an admitted (and diagnosed) psychopath - may be worth reading. Also, not every article I've written is boring, y'know. ~L^,
Finally, before I leave, I would like to tell you, my Readers, that so far it is You who have been keeping me going.
(1*) - Instead of the term 'label' I use the more suitable word 'Topics'. You will see it in the column to the left. You can use it find specific topics. If you want to read some articles where I describe experiences from early in life or just from my youth, or even things that have happened more recently you might want to take a look at the articles that show up if you click the word 'Autobiographical Bits' in the Topics column. If I have written an article about the topic you're looking for, it'll be on that list.
PS. Alternatively, if you don't find anything that describes what you're looking for, you are always welcome to send me an email and suggest that I write about it. '^L^,
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Reader posted a comment under the article 'Psychopaths & Supernatural Experiences. He wrote it a long time ago, but it stuck with me because it's about a subject that you can say is close to my heart. So now I've decided to not only re-post it, but to reply to it as it unfolds...
"I believe ... psychopaths are highly sensitive. I am highly sensitive. I'm not a christian, not a satanist, but if I had to choose I would choose spiritual satanist, or maybe a gnostic luciferian."This could have been me who wrote this 20 year ago.
"What I mean to talk about is that, what you psychopaths feel, some of them might be demons. I have had many experiences with them, for real, I've seen them too. And I'm not mentally ill. I feel them as I would feel humans."For people everywhere who experience and sense what we call 'the Spiritual World' or the 'Astral Plane' (my personal name of choice is The Wider Reality) these days, and especially since the took on it's heartless dogmatism and brutally persecuted everybody who didn't follow Christianity - As It Was Interpreted To Be The Only Real Truth At Any Given Time - and which in current day has grown into a materialism never before encountered, a materialism where being a believer of not just any religion, but even of Christianity, is looked upon as something we slightly pity - these gullible people who can believe in words written in a book!!... We think of them as largely children who have lost their way but who'll eventually find their way back to reality.
These people -not only the Christians, but people who may not even have a faith, experience supernatural things that simply cannot be explained otherwise, and they're being ridiculed and laughed at, sometimes never to be believed again. So NO WONDER people keep quiet about having experiences of so called Supernatural nature. But I tell you, it is far more common than we are in habit of thinking. Even people who have the very same out-of-body experiences as we've had look at us as if're ready to be committed immediately because we're obviously insane. Indeed, those who have the experiences themselves are often the best at playing the game "I don't believe in that crazy talk! She must be lying" or "What'll it be next week" She just wants attention, and besides, I always knew something wasn't completely right in her brain!"
Now as for psychopaths and normal people and whether we are different in what we experience or how we feel about it, I guess that normally we are different.
We're used to think of it as something that is deeply dependent on emotion, and not just love, compassion or empathy, thought these when felt truly and strongly, can mediate strong experiences.. Now the truth is that any emotion can accomplish this if it is strong enough, not just empathy or love. Indeed, very negative emotions can be just as powerful is rarely progressive. That's why we hear about satanic cults who have called upon some Demon and created havoc in an area.
"I think that not all demons aren't bad, I think that it's possible that a human can be more evil than some demons."I have held back with saying this because it is so obviously non Christian, but now that you, a Reader of mine have proven to be more brave than I, I can no longer hold my tongue and insist I am telling the truth.
Demons are definitely not all bad, and angels are certainly not all angelic. In fact it is just as often the opposite way around, and the reason for that is the reason why the whole world exists as a whole: If there were such a strict line between good and evil, the two would be parted eternally in a way that could never reconciled because it would be two halfs not of the same thing, but of two different things, namely Good, and Bad.
"And feeling chosen? There's no doubt that demons would like to work with you and like you, mainly because lack of empathy and that you're highly sensitive."Being Chosen in modern day is obviously very difficult because we live in a very a-religious era where all right people has to be chosen for all the right for the right positions,..people who - like you - aren't in it for the Glory, the gold and wealth, and the position, and these things often begins to softly creep in, often when your mind is most at ease.
When that happens, you know the time has come when you will be tested (again): Will you be able to lay it all behind you, your millions, your social status, your contracts, your tours, your beautiful houses, your yacht and your cars that you would've died for rather than seeing them go to another buyer...even your marriage! Your health because now nobody will allow you the treatment you have the right by law to receive, because now you're in the hands of the state, and in that country state is law, the state is god!!
A smaller Demon will always be interested in a human being while a larger Demon or Angel will be interested in people who are what we call Chosen. The interest does however also depend upon you. It is with this as with almost everything in life, it goes two ways. Only creatures with god-like status like Christ or Satan can force their will upon a person with next to no fight from the Chosen (ex. of Chosen people in various cultures),
Will you leave it all behind and watch your health wane while your money are frozen overseas, money you may never see again even though it wasn't much but nevertheless a $ twenty+ million that would make it possible for you to start over again - some would even say in style?...Would you take your "repentance" so far?
Would you let it all go for such a test because you had to be true to yourself?... I did.
Some would say that a psychopath would never act this unselfish. Well guess what, it was unselfish! But would I do it again? Now that I know what I would face, the hypocrisy, the narrow minded and small mindedness that I have never known, the envy that I never understood (even though they say it's such a typical trait in psychopaths), I don't know.
I've spoken about this before, but let me say it again: I can be sadistic, yes. But it is never out of envy. It can be out of anger if someone who thinks I should be envious of him plays on that, but never because of envy in and on itself. I've never seen the point! If I see someone wearing a hat I would like to wear, I don't get mad at him, I'll just make sure I get that had too, and a version that is better that his, that's all Not even now that I'm pretty much at the bottom. No, what drives me is something much cleaner that that.
Perhaps this is why I always liked the movies where the villain - despite that he looses - has the last word and says something that sticks with our minds long after the movie screen has faded away. Someone who was wise after all. This is also why we like Hannibal Lecter in spite of ourselves. Just see how much franchise is produced over this one movie character: here.
I guess we should end this article with the ever recurring question: Can psychopaths be religious?
And the answer is: Yes, psychopaths can be religious just as other people can be religious....Or perhaps that isn't quite true. Psychopaths can be religious alright, even more so than most others, but be religious 'like' others we cannot. - Or let me say it this way: I've met and seen/observed a good number of religious psychopaths, some of which were faking religion. But I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about, and interested in, those who really does believe in this or that religion - not rarely, by the way, a religion that no one else believes in because one one else has heard of it. It was custom made to the psychopath, made precisely to form and fit with his mind and inner workings,
The funny thing, you might say, is that this is the case for everybody who reaches a high state of religiousness. You simply cannot be ultimately and personally religious in the exact same way that everybody else would be....But that is a story for another article.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Psychopaths use Language Differently from how Normal, Neurotypical people use it. We often apply more elaborate Meaning, but less Emotional Foundation, to Words than Normal People do because our Brains Function and Process Language, Meaning, and Emotion Differently from Non-Psychopathic People's Brains.
Psychopathy researchers and psychologists have known this for years, possible for several decades, it is not new to them. In this article I am going to describe with an example how I use words differently from the people around me.
Robert Hare, in his book 'Without Conscience', writes about the shallow emotions of psychopaths. One of the examples he gives to convey this goes something like this: "They (the psychopaths) will typically say 'This is fascinating'", using the word 'fascinating'. And for me it is true, I do use that word - a lot. But...
- That line stuck with me. I think it's a little strange because to me it has always seemed that most normal people, when they say "This is so interesting" or "How interesting, don't you think?', display shallow emotions. It's like a display of lazy curiosity. I guess I find it shallow because mostly, when people say something like "isn't it interesting?", I see absolutely nothing interesting in the subject they're talking about at all, and very often I know they're not really interested either - at least not enough so to actually investigate further. I.O.W., it's just words to show you're a social and friendly person.
I don't hear the word 'fascinating' be used in that manner - except for a few exceptions where it was used as a group relative semi-slang that these people simply used instead of the word 'interesting' to show they had linguistic finesse and weren't plain (How 'interesting'! *yawn*).
Isn't the word 'fascinating' a reflection of stronger emotions than the word 'interesting'? I believe the link above shows that I'm right when I say it is.
I see it this way: When something is interesting, it is simply logically interesting, there's nothing emotional about it, you're merely making a neutral observation (ref. also the link 'interesting' above). But when I use the word 'fascinating' about something, it means there's an emotional element involved, I want to investigate further because it connects with a personal interest that I have in the subject.
Maybe Doc. Bob Hare simply meant to say that we psychopaths use the word 'fascinating' without really understanding or knowing about the emotional connotations that this word entails, that we use it to fake emotional interest and that we do it habitually (since Hare notices that we use it a lot). After learning that I fit the criteria for having the psychopathy diagnosis, I very often question myself about how accurately my emotional experience fits the meaning of the words that I use to express myself when I communicate with others. And while I have found many examples where I obviously don't have the actual feelings behind the words I use, I've also found a lot of cases where I'm just not entirely sure.
But this will not come as a surprise to Doc. Robert D. Hare, he was the first to discuss the many examples where people - probably mostly psychopaths - have some degree and type of feeling about something. But it is a very unclear and murky kind of feeling that even the person themselves aren't really sure about, that we don't know what to call, and definitely don't know how to describe or explain.
Conclusion: While there clearly are psychopaths who deliberately fake an interest where they have none by saying "How fascinating!", this doesn't fit in my case. I don't use the word 'fascinating' if I'm really not interested, I'll be more likely to use the word that those i am communicating with would be using, and I generally dislike rigid linguistics, I mush prefer to allow language to be a fluid ever changing tool, just like life itself which never stays the same.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
I am a good person, a good psychopath, and I have found proof that this is possible.
I used to dislike being called a psychopath. I didn't like to be associated with primitive simple minded selfish brutes and wanted the stigma gone. I really didn't like anything about it, but this has changed. I have stated early on that I believe I'm a good person. Readers who have read some of my earlier texts will know that this is a truth with modification, but I will explain why I nevertheless still think it is true.
I have also said that I don't think a brain scan can tell how I interpret my emotions. While I may not have proved this, I have found something that proves something else: You can't determine whether a person is good or bad based on the result of his brain scan. The video above features James Fallon, a renowned neuroscientist who got the surprise of his life when he accidentally had put a copy of his own brain scan into a pile of psychopathic killers' brain scan results, and he found that his own had the exact same kind of 'killer pattern' as theirs.
James Fallon's findings changed everything that was thought to be known about psychopathy. In fact, we now know that psychopaths can be completely well adjusted and productive members of society. They can have a loving family and a job that they do well, they can have friends and be very well liked, they can have a blank crime sheet and never have physically harmed anybody in their lives, and yet have the brain of a violent psychopathic killer.
So there you have it, you can essentially be a psychopath and yet not be a threat to society.
But if this is true, why do some psychopaths - myself included - become antisocial? The answer I have found to make the most sense is that those of us who become antisocial usually have had a childhood that was marked by neglect and/or abuse, especially very early on. It is true there are cases where none of this seems to have played any role, but I think there's one more thing that is very important: To be understood and to be given guidance that you can emotionally relate to.
Let me say right away that there are levels of psychopathy, and obviously there will be the odd few who can't be reached. These are people who score 40 on the PCL-R (Psychopathy Check List - Revised). But if we have to go down that route, there are also people at the far opposite end, people who are so emotionally overloaded and without filter that they can't function. They create a different kind of hell, while mostly for themselves they can't be easy to live with either.
That is not to say that I think everything should be within the narrow mainstream. There does have to be some sort of balance for things to work, but we need variety, we need those who are different - whichever end of the spectrum they may inhabit - and I am glad to be who and what I am. I am not happy about my past and I am not proud that I had to go through years of antisocial shit, but I did what most people do not: I dug my way through it and came out at the other end. I now have a choice, I am no longer a victim of an abusive and neglectful childhood, and nor do I have to victimize others in order to feel some excitement anymore. I got over that even before I began writing this blog. But while at first my lack of need for antisocial activity used to stem from the fact that I had already done all that, it is now based more in understanding who I am and why I felt driven to do the things I did.
Let me end this article with a heart felt thanks to James Fallon for having made available to the public the findings you made that day when you accidentally left your scan results in the psychopathic killers' pile.
Watch another James Fallon video about psychopathy and the role an abusive and neglectful childhood plays in making a psychopath grow up to become antisocial and violent, here.
PS. I mentioned these things in a debate on Youtube and expected the reaction to be something like: "Really? That must be a mistake! Surely psychopaths can't be good people?". But boy, was I wrong. The reaction I got was: "Yeah, James Fallon and Kevin Dutton(1*) are lying because he's working for psychopaths!"....Those interested can read the whole thing here.
(1*) - More about Kevin Dutton in an upcoming article.
Read: The Good Psychopath.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
A new visitor to psychopathicwritings.com left a comment during my absense, and I found his post very interesting for a couple of reasons, but most of all because he touches on something very central not only in human nature, our interactions on every level ranging from the highest, powerful and withdrawn position over the most personal between two individuals, and everything in between: Power and control. And I'd like to share what I have to say about the subject with my Readers but also because I am interested in seeing if my words may have some influence on this guy's own views.
Let me say right away that he's obvious intelligent, and he also happens to share some of my own chosen approaches to life as well as a drive towards learning more, getting to a greater level of understanding, understanding of oneself, one's own place in the world and how to make the best you can of it and of yourself.
But let me get on with it. Here's Nate's comment which he left under the article Am I A Psychopath - Part 2
"smarts, looks, power and control, wealth, and all the other luxuries you desire. Now imagine all these took on a human form."
Interesting assertion. But it makes some assumptions that may not be applicable. The only thing of interest to me on this list is smarts, specifically knowledge. I have no interest in power or control, wealth, or any luxuries other than those which cannot be taken away from me. I place the highest value on science, mathematics, logic and reason, and philosophy. I do not place high value on material things, I don't have much use for them. But knowledge, this cannot be taken from me, once I have learned it, it is mine. About seeing it in human form, by spreading what I know around. Teaching people about about math, science, and philosophy, and challenging them to think about the world around them, I do create what I want in human form. I create it in every person I encounter who will listen
In fact knowledge is the reason I'm here. I am not a psychopath. But reading what others have to say about their experiences and lives aids in my quest for knowledge, it helps me understand people, the world around me, and my place in this universe. Understanding logic and reason, in addition to a vast array of knowledge helps me seek out the truth. It is my vaccine to others' bullshit.
Here is my response:...
You explain that you not only do not actively seek control or power, wealth, and so on, you're not even interested in them. I think you were being honest when you wrote this, but I nevertheless also think it isn't true, and I'll explain why.
You wrote that most people are interested in control and power and seek to obtain it. But all human beings with a reasonably sane mind have an interest in control and power. They have to be, because control and power some of the most central and important concepts and related to everything to do with social aspects and the structure of human society and thereby also to the very survival of our species. And that's because we survive by cooperating and keeping a strong consensus.
However not all people are interested in being powerful and in control of others. Quite the contrary, in fact: by far the most people do not want to be in positions of power and control (for various reasons), the average person prefer to be lead and to be like "everybody else"...and just as well, we might say, for can you imagine how the world of mankind would look if everybody were equally interested in getting and maintaining positions of power and exerting control over those around them...who would be equally eager to do the very same thing.
Most of us have met someone who refused to listen to reason, not because you couldn't express the message in a simple and easily understandable manner, but because they just wouldn't allow others to influence their opinions, knowledge, beliefs, etc.
Yet, you aren't one of the many people who prefer to be lead, Nate. You should soon see why that is...
If you truly believe you have absolutely no interest in power or control, you must be unknowingly lying to yourself. Almost everything you wrote in the comment I have quoted above shows that you are a power- and control-person, and that's without a doubt.
Consider this: Do you propose to think that teaching other people things you find valuable is not a form of control, a very efficient one at that, and one that has been used since education came into fashion. Every time you challenge someone to open up and allow you to add more depth and new perspective to their thinking, you exercise control as well as power over them. You can say it's for their best, but don't forget that you enjoy helping others and see the result when you succeed. You control what kind of intellectual growth they'll receive if you convince them to open up, you can't avoid doing so.
You value knowledge. Yes, what sane person wouldn't? But please don't tell me you've never heard the saying "Knowledge is power", it's just too unlikely to be the case. ;)
I can also tell you have a substantiable amount of knowledge and I wouldn't be surprised if you can enter a university and compete with the best in philosophical prowess, depth of understanding and general knowledge. - That is power. - Power is not bad or evil, only what you do with, how you use it, can be good, better, bad, or worse.
As you put it yourself: you create what you want in human form.
Bravo, you've chosen the ultimate form of power available to human beings. - Now, don't tell anybody this, but, I do the exact same thing! And you know what? I always try to do what I think is good, healthy, and beneficial, - unless it's a person I have a specific reason to destroy.
(Yep, believe it or not, psychopaths can be interested in and do things that society considers 'good', for we too are individuals and can be very different in between.)
You're also intelligent, so you know that it isn't possible to pass on your knowledge to just anyone, simply because most people cannot process large amounts of complex knowledge. - Conclusion? Your knowledge is a source of power to you!
Each time you decide to challenge someone you have exercised the power you hold by being more knowledgeable and more intelligent than that person. The same is the case with each of the many people you chose not to challenge. When you pass someone by you've used your the power to not give that person a challenge - I'm sure your reasons are benign, but if we have to be absolutely honest there's no way we can know what every single individual we pass by is capable of achieving, and that means we'll make mistakes; some people will not reap the benefits of what you can teach them simply because you chose not to - for whichever reasons that impacts your daily life.
The last passage in your comment pretty much mirrors my own quest in life. There's only one difference: I don't have illusions about one absolute truth that is universal and the same for all. I've seen to many examples of how things can be done differently people in between and be beneficial to each party. It's only when one decides that their truth is more true than their neighbors the blessings begin to disappear and curses take their place. - I'm aware that you may disagree, few people see things this way. But hey, we can't all agree about everything, and I'm not surprised to see that we have quite a few fundamental things in common even though you're not a psychopath and I am. After all, the wish and drive to learn and understand, and even to create something that impacts society in a positive way(*) are very human and consistently a large part of intellectually and philosophically inclined people.
(*) - It's a very common mistake to believe psychopaths only enjoy and want to hurt others, to destroy and create chaos. Having no actual integrated moral compass nor emotional sense of remorse and love, we can just as little develop any deep seated dislike towards doing things that happens to be labeled 'good' by the mainstream. We simply do not care what others feel and think about our actions. I happen to take just as great pleasure in making people happy as I do breaking them psychologically, or hurting them physically. It all depends on the situation. And there's always a very clear reason for what I do (though much of the time only I know about it unless I choose to explain it). The very idea that I should be lurking around corners in hope of finding someone I can harm for no reason is simply absurd. And there are many psychopaths who are like this.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
This video shows one of the standard tests that you go through when you are in prison and charged for murder, or for some other serious and violent offense, the Rorschach Ink Blot Test.
The video at 6:37: It is so funny to see this again. I was psychologically evaluated the first time when I was 18 years old and I remember this particular "picture". I saw the "pink animal" mentioned by the narrator as a chameleon, and I told the psychiatrist who conducted the session this. When I afterwards asked him, he told me that most people see a rat.
Seeing it again now I can see that it doesn't look completely like a chameleon and definitely not as much as I thought it did back then, but I think it is fair to add that at the time prior to my arrest I had recently watched a documentary about chameleons and was very fascinated by these reptiles (I still think they're fascinating), and I find it very possible that if this hadn't been the case I might've seen this ink blot differently.
Watching it now I can see why people see it as a rat, but I don't quite see it that way myself. I don't know what kind of animal I would call it.
While the outcome of the psychological assessment (which is standard procedure when you're charged with 1.st degree murder) was a Psychopathy Diagnosis, I doubt it was because I saw this ink blot as a chameleon.
There's another part of the Rorschach Ink Blot test I'll mention: Picture nb. 9. The green area in the picture has always immediately reminded me of a Human Skeletal Hip Bone, and it still does when I see it now. I think it looks so obviously like a human hip bone that it's a bit strange to me if normal non-psychopathic people don't see it that way - provided, of course, that they know how a human skeleton hip bone looks like.
Notice: The Youtube video 'share' function hasn't been working for a while, so there have been a few articles with intended videos which aren't presented at the page. It is quite annoying and rather disruptive for an article written about and referencing a video that isn't there, but for now I will have to make do with including URL links to the videos.
I thank the Reader for your understanding.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
You asked me what I think of you now, after reading your latest email which I've published in it's entirety in the two previous parts of this article. The answer to your question is that I still think the same as I told you the first time: You fit the definition of a psychopath.
But I am wondering why you want to convince yourself and others that you're not a psychopath. Do others think you're a psychopath? And why does it matter to you if you are? It's just one more piece of knowledge, it's neither good nor bad, good and bad is cultural moral concepts that only matters if you buy into the societal moral system. Otherwise it'll only matter if you have legal issues.
I agree that LSD can change a person. It think it changed me. It didn't make become not a psychopath and it didn't turn me into one, I can't really define how it changed me, but I believe it made me more aware at a level that we rarely tap into in our normal everyday reality. It's hard to put a finger on the changes LSD. can make in a person, I'm also not convinced that everybody does change with such an experience, it probably depends on that person's personality and on their according preferences to a certain extent.
I understand what you're saying about having an understanding for women and feeling a certain loathing toward men for having abused our 'assets'. I don't feel the loathing towards me myself, but I do think I can say I have the understanding for women that you describe. It's a culturally founded imbalance too and has a lot to do with the religious foundation that our culture's values are based upon. But it's the people who are buying into it, men and women alike.
Almost everything you have described could've been written by me, you just use a different vocabulary in some instances, other than that you remind me about myself in many ways as I was 20 years ago.
Charm, yeah, sure I've had my setbacks and downfalls, but I think it's only normal, still you learn with time. When situations like the one you describe occurs it usually has to do with how you view the other person, you're not quite sure if you're up to her standards, maybe she's more experienced and knows the game better than you, it makes you hesitate and once you hesitate timing gets off and you lose the moment; of course you notice this and the game is lost. I think probably a very narcissistic person will believe himself the ultimate charmeur, a realist will not.
As for the situation where you experimented with chocking the dog, I'm not sure I understand how you could feel like you were being chocked too. But I'm glad to hear about it because I was never sure about whether this kind of experience - the empathy where you feel you're in the other individual's shoes - was real or just the way people describe it because they can't find the words to describe this kind of experience more precisely, in short, if it is basically sympathy but people choose to call it empathy because it sounds more 'deep' or benignly sensitive. - I don't know if it's the same, but sometimes when I watch a movie or a reality show where somebody describes a painful experience, I can really sympathize with them. I don't feel as if I'm in the same situation, but I can let it get close enough for me to feel 'moved' somehow. I can also easily stop the sensation or stop it from starting to begin with if I chose to, but it's peculiar that it can happen when I allow it to. I know not all psychopaths have this ability and I consider it to be something that makes you and me count as less severely psychopathic that we do have it.
By the way, I know why the dog appeared to not learn from the experience when you mock-chocked it. Part of the reason is that to this dog you were not only part of it's pack but also having a higher position in the ranking order. Add to this that dogs can actually tell if you 'mean it'. I've experienced this first hand and was surprised at how precisely dogs can read the sincerity of your intentions. What they read is your feelings (and this is possible because feelings affect you physically). A dog can easily tell if it actually really hurt you when the dog accidentally bit you too hard and you yelled out. If you don't really feel anything towards a dog and you're in it's pack it'll assume you're friendly or perhaps be indifferent towards you, depending on your 'status' in the family - the dog's pack (about pack instinct).
Reading about how you humiliated the weed guy and your "pranks" ("I always knew you'd die in my arms" etc.) made me chuckle, it brought back memories. I'll give you a couple of the milder examples of things I have done...
There was one thing I did several times: I would hit on some pretty girl, often in public, in an uptown night club or an expensive restaurant, I even did it once in a jeweler shop. I'd behave like the complete perfect and charming gentleman but speak with a very heavy drooling hillbilly accent during the whole thing. Mostly this would make people feel very uncomfortable because they didn't know if I seriously spoke that way and they didn't know how to respond. It wasn't something I planned, I just... did it.
Once there was this guy, a really narcissistic dude, who tried to humiliate me in front of a girl I'd been considering make a pss on. I happened to be ill when he made his move so I lost my opportunity with the girl and he acted out all over the place showing off how he'd got her and I hadn't. Then time passed and I didn't see him for a long time. But one night I ran upon him, he was on his way into an uptown night club just as I was leaving, and I noticed he'd lost weight and grown very pale. I knew why, he was using. I destroyed him with one sentence. I stopped, looked at him with an expression of shock and said: "You..look..like...SHIT!". He never attempted anything against me again.
Then there was this other guy who had once invited me to stay over at his house when I didn't have anywhere to go, only to let me sleep on the floor, clearly out of sheer sadism. I met him again a year or so later, and he was BADLY in need of money. Of course I "happened" to not have any credit cards or any cash on me, so he asked me if I would speak to his mom for him because he'd tried to borrow money from her so many times she'd caught on to his schemes and wouldn't loan him anything unless somebody could speak good for him. So I volunteered, of course I would help. So I called her and made very sure that she didn't loan him any money, but without letting him know that I subtly influenced her to be even more set on not loaning him any money ever again. I dragged the situation out and took pleasure in watching him squirm as I talked forth and back with his mother making it seem as if I was helping him.
On a slightly more serious scale there was this guy I met in prison. He was a killer too, but very different from me. His victim was a 12 year old boy, he chocked him while he was on the way to school because he needed money for a party he'd promised to get booze for the same evening. He was obviously a weak person, but he had access to something I did not at the time: He was given 8 hour leaves from prison and could bring back 'valuables' that would bring a good price if you made it available for sale to other inmates. I knew he already had a few customers but approached him to hear if he could squeeze me in too. He readily agreed to bring me some things that I knew some inmates who would pay very well for, so we made the appointment and I brought the two guys the news and told them they'd have to wait until the following weekend when this guy was on his 8 hour leave.
On the day when he'd been out he came back and brought goods....to some that he'd promised it to, but not to me. I had to tell me buyers there would be no deal because there was no merchandise. They took it okay, but to me this shithead had betrayed me, so I waited for an opportunity to take revenge.
The opportunity came a few months later when this guy was being moved over to my wing. This was a wing for the well behaved prisoners and we had certain privileges like working all over the prison (which was how I got in touch with this guy before he was moved to my wing). Well he was the type of person who was very nervous about whether people liked him or not (this was also the reason he killed the boy; he was afraid his "pals" wouldn't accept him when he didn't bring booze after having promised that he would - silly idiot!). So the evening came when he was coming over, and as he walked down the hallway I could see his nervousness. As he came closer and I was someone he recognized, I was also supposed to greet him; if I didn't it would be an obvious sign something was wrong between us. This wasn't unusual in any way. But to this guy, as he was about the walk past me, I suddenly knew I could destroy him completely if I said one thing to him, and so I said that very thing, no 'Hello' or 'Hi'. Just these words: "I can already see the blade going across your wrist!".
I'm not even sure if he heard what I was saying, but what he did get was my denouncing him. And the following morning he was found in a pool of blood having attempted to commit suicide by slashing his wrist. He had also done it at a time when there was a decent chance that he'd be found before he died, so he didn't in fact die but he was quickly moved out of the wing and was never allowed back there. Nor was he ever trusted again by others, his reputation was destroyed for good.
This was not a prank, obviously. I write it as an example of how both pranks, mischief, and more serious behavior can occur to you in a flash of a second and you just know what to do and how in order to achieve a certain effect, and to me these things often happen in the same way even if in between themselves they may be different in nature and consequence.
I've taken revenge in this kind of way with others who have crossed me, and I'll not deny that I take great delight in doing so....There's one guy in particular who would come back and confide his troubles and heartaches after having attempted to stage an assault on me while we were in prison. He loves my advice even though I always make sure to tell him things that lead absolutely nowhere. How can people be so dumb, to attempt to harm you and then trust you to be their friends afterwards? It's beyond me - but of course I know why....It's because I don't let people know that I'm slightly smarter than they think I am - just like you describe that you do.
Being a psychopath is not good or bad, it just is.