Psychopathic Obsession Going Too Far.

This is a messy and unfinished article. I'm posting it only to ensure my story doesn't get lost, for at this point I cannot be certain whether I'll be able to complete this part of my work (due to the nature of what is happening; the reader will understand why). If you read it, be prepared for repetitions and a good deal of trailing off.

Of course I do intend to complete this article - it's likely to be a small series because the extensive contend.

So... this isn't an article at all, really. It's something I would usually keep in a draft and publish only when I'd written a complete and legibly well done piece of work.


Future be articles (among others, of course) will be about: One of the traits that many psychopaths exhibit: Obsession; My own life as it looks at present; My Stalker encounter, what started it all, how things are going these days (in case it's going to be lengthy), how it was ended, and my exquisite nailing down this guy's psychology.

Of course I've known all along why he's doing it, and to put it plain and simple, he's doing it because he's afraid of me! And he also knows he already lost!

That's right, and you know it is the truth, my Shadow Dancing child! '^L^,

Wish me luck, guys!....

I'll be back and going stronger than ever soon enough....'^L^,

Zhawq.

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Your Gentle Host Once More Welcomes The Reader. :)

I've meant to publish several articles that I've been working on, but I've had the unlucky fate of being the coveted target of malicious attacks from no less than two corners. One is an annoying and apparently strong kind of flu - this is the very first time I have the honor of falling prey to the flu, and I must say it has some very frustrating characteristics. - But the other attacker is somewhat more substantial in that it's a real person who has become obsessed with me in a not very forthcoming way, to put it lightly. I literally have to be on my toes and remain alert - even when I take a nap (I don't sleep at places where he can gain entry), and boy is this flu an annoying condition to have when you're also trying to stay ahead of a stalker, hacker, thief break-in artist and more.

I know my stalker quite well, even though we have only spoken to each other a few times, and I have had to guess about his past, but it doesn't matter, ... I know! And he knows I know, which in my opinion is the real reason that it came to this.   He said I had promised him money, and then switched to saying I owed him money. Since I didn't have any money with me at the time, it was easy for me to remain unmoved.

Apparently it wasn't as easy for him, he flew into a rage and accused me of being possessed by Satan (I'm not a Satanist. I study all possible beliefs but never become a faithful myself. I want knowledge, not salvation from an outside power I can't comprehend). So this guy wanted to take me somewhere to be cleansed, but I think he was more busy with finding a way to get more cocaine, because he left and that was that...

Or so I thought. - This guy is  born liar. Something as simple as telling you he spoke a second language that I also speak he just couldn't tell the truth about. Had to say "I don't speak that language!". But he did, and he does, he's been using it to try and hack into every setting and function in my computer (with some success, if perhaps temporary).


I came upon this song by Madonna. The music isn't the most inspiring - actually, I can't remember the tune now, and it's been little more than 15 minutes since I heard it three times (for the sake of catching the lyrics right - you can find lyrics on the web, but oft times those lyrics are incorrect, and I dislike that. So I took the time to write it all myself....and then I made a search anyway and found this well-written and fitting version...::

                                       "Broken (I'm Sorry)" by Madonna.

(Don't you feel sorry, don't you feel sorry...)

Broken like a crooked smile
A little hunched over but I walked that mile
I've woken from a fuzzy dream
You never would believe the things that I have seen

Don't you feel sorry for me
'Cause I'm right where the universe wants me to be
A lesson that I needed to learn
But that doesn't mean that it doesn't burn

Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry for me
'Cause I won't change my story
Don't take all my glory
Don't you feel sorry for me

Tied up with leather and rope
A little bit of medicine to give me hope
I'm inky like a smoking gun
It's gonna take a while to heal the damage done

Don't you feel sorry for me
'Cause I'm right where the universe wants me to be
A lesson that I needed to learn (A lesson that I needed to learn)
But that doesn't mean that it doesn't burn

Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry for me
'Cause I won't change my story
Don't take all my glory
Don't you feel sorry for me

(A lesson that I needed to learn)
No pain, no gain, no defective parts
No dirty business, no forgiveness, no broken heart

(Don't you feel sorry)

Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry for me
'Cause I won't change my story
Don't take all my glory
Don't you feel sorry for me

Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry
Don't you feel sorry for me
'Cause I won't change my story
Don't take all my glory
Don't you feel sorry for me

I'm still ill with my first flu ever. It ins\t that bad. I've almost stopped eating until I get past it, so I hardly have issues with having to run for the restroom all the time. But when I do, ...holy smokes! As a result of not eating much - and probably the flu itself is causing some of it - I'm somewhat weakened physically, and that's the most inhibiting part of it all. Still, I prevail as I always do, and I'll be back once I've dealt with the situation.

What situation?

Well, it isn't only the flu I'm being attacked by these days. As we know to be a real possibility when you dare to publicly say unconventional things and communicate different and maybe new (or ancient) ways of thinking and doing things, you may become the target of someone who may or may not be a psychopath, but who definitely has a trait that psychopaths often display to lengthy and destructive ends.

And someone with this particular trait has finally found me worthy of his ongoing attention, along with all the damage that he's trying to do. The reason? I think it provides a little more detail, and still I may have it wrong (though I don't believe I do).

One late night in town, I stopped to talks to someone I recognized at the sidewalk. It was right in the middle of the worst neighborhood's most heavily trafficked pusher area. I'm not afraid to go there and have done so out of curiosity even as a young boy. The reason I drove through this neighborhood on this night is of no consequence to my story, so I'll leave it at that: It was convenient.

I caught up with my guy and we had our exchange, whereupon I started back toward my vehicle. But another man, someone I hadn't seen before, ran up to me and asked if I would lend him some money. I said what I always say to these types of requests, that I don't have any money to lend (which is mostly true. I rarely carry cash with me anywhere).

Something unusual happened in silence when he paused and looked me into the eye. I know what it was, but it happens very rarely. It was a mutual recognition of sorts, we somehow recognized the capacity for violence and for being destructive, and sure enough, a little later we had something like a cautious conversation. During the conversation he also told me that he had a Schizophrenia diagnosis. In my opinion he may have periodical psychotic episodes, but I see no Schizophrenia in him. 

But since he's not unable to handle so called hallucinations or go about his everyday life (however pitiful and destructive it may be - it's a fact that he copes well with his inner consistencies regarding reality) in my understanding this makes a Schizophrenia diagnosis unreasonable and wrong. A schizophrenic person cannot cope but shows a range of symptoms. This guys does not (unless he decides to - a Schizophrenic person doesn't have the luxury of choice in this respect but is caught in a mixture of everyday- and very personal inner reality). I think my new acquaintance may have helped the good doctors diagnose him for his own reasons.

He certainly has a profound taste for drama in life. He tells me that he is very mistrusting of everybody, that he doesn't believe in people and expects deceit, lying, stealing, and absence of  

,  malicious proto-Chrisitan liar, thief with the mark of those who steals from friends and family, pretender, potential future killer for non-sensible misunderstandings about the reality he shares with other beings, unless a childish selfish rage caused by his fragile mind's inability to keep control in the long run. A psychotic episode could be all it takes for this dude. Currently I seem to be in the line of sight and I'm aware of the possibility that his ager and obsession with me and my whereabouts and doings, along with his attempts to control how close to me he can be at any time.

The common behavior that night when he tried to coerce me into giving him money (I don't quite understand that he even tried that technique, surely I don't come across like a virgin in terms of street prowess (unless I choose to, and I had no reasons to do so that evening) would have been to look for other ways and to forget me altogether.

Obsession is one trait that many psychopathic people have a propensity for. Many who have been the target for such a situation do often report month long stalkings along with malicious phone calls and destruction of property. Threats occurs as well, and the stalker - even when he aren't allowed to get within a distance of 1 mile (1,5 km) of his subject, can't help himself (and doesn't really care about the consequences anyway, often feeling so in the justified position that nobody can possibly end up sentencing him for any wrong doing).

The greatest problem is usually that the subject's legal rights can be very difficult to maintain for the law enforcement, since they will have to monitor every coming and going to the subject's home 24/7 and also shadow it's own movements, and this is just too costly (after all, the individual isn't really the first priority to society), and most people don't have access or a fat enough wallet to hire bodyguards.  - at least theoretically and technically - could take on an even more sinister tone.  talented at climbing and moving silently - I've witnessed him do it around my own home on more than one occasion. 

Phobias & Fears in Psychopaths

"You are all writing about instilling fear in others as a means to control them. But I was wondering about something:

How about your own fears? Do the people you are controlling never fight back? Would there be a way for them to scare you off? If there are even people killing themselves because of the bullying, wouldn't it be more logical for them to seek revenge on you??

And you write somewhere most psychopaths have phobias.. I am trying really hard to understand...everyone says that psychopaths are fearless.. but then they have phobias and it somehow seems as thought they are afraid to lose control? And shying away from real confrontations?

And: what would happen if 2 psychopaths fight for the same thing?

I'm not sure if you'd want to answer those questions, because it might be like showing your vulnerable sides.. but I am just really curious and trying to get my head around it."

Instilling fear in others is just one of several techniques. You will usually use more than one technique at the same time, not only fear - though in some cases it may be the most effective one.

Sometimes people will fight back, it will happen now and again because you just can't always predict another person's behavior in every detail, no matter how good a psychologist, how experienced and agile a manipulator, and how skilled a judge of character you are, because like all human beings you can't always be as alert and effective as you might want to be. Usually a person may try to fight back in cases and situations where you have underestimated them, or when you've overlooked something that could not have been foreseen.

When it happens that somebody chooses to fight back, it doesn't scare or frighten me. I believe I can speak for most psychopaths when I say that the prospect of retaliation, maybe even against my own life, is just not enough to make me feel afraid the way it does other, normal, people. Indeed, it may actually intrigue and excite me, though it will just as often be more likely to anger me - especially when we're talking about a person I consider to be "a subject of mine". The key word here is 'mine', because as I get to know somebody and gain control over them, I develop a sense of ownership, like you consider a family member, or maybe a dog, to be 'yours', to be something you own in a sense, and so it makes me very angry if someone attempts to break the bond of ownership - without my approval it's an act of defiance, and anger is an emotion I feel much easier than fear is.

However, people rarely fight back, and the natural reason for this is that almost all psychopaths choose their victims very carefully and would never approach someone whom they sense might put up any serious fight. There are exceptions, of course, but they are the fewer.

The reason why psychopaths can seem unbeatable is that we have so much experience with what we do, we have been building a 'knowledge database' about human behavior and the mechanisms of psychological dynamics and have practiced and honed our expertise in using this knowledge effectively throughout our lives. This is what we are good at, this is what nature has build us to be predisposed for becoming good at.

If the psychopath's inherent potential could be understood and his reality - the way he experiences life and everything he hears and sees happening around him - could be acknowledged as just as real as the way everybody else feels and think and see life, the unique talents could be put to use in a satisfying way for everybody, not just to the individual psychopath or just to society, but for the human species as such. And it would add to the variety of the human experience and thus the human potential, because it is all so very intrinsically connected. In a sense you can say I'm talking about a kind of 'Holistic World View' here.


Now to address your mentioning of Phobias... It is true I've mentioned that many psychopaths appear to have some kind of phobia, and irrational kind of fear that is hard to deal with because it is irrational, and which therefore can tend to hand on well into adulthood or even throughout the individual's life. But it is important to remember that Phobias and Fears are not the same thing. When you experience fear you are afraid of something specific, something you can touch, feel, smell, or put into words and anticipate through logical deduction and/or experience.

A phobia can - in spite of everything - be approached, and it can be overcome, if the phobic individual is willing to do the work, but it is hard work and fewer rather than more people succeed eventually. But some psychopaths who have a phobia do beat it, and they are generally better suited to succeed due to their otherwise very low fear response and capacity for fear in general.

They'll do what is needed to deal with their phobia, and - in my personal experience - they also tend to be more likely to try it than normal people are (provided we're talking about a phobia that actually interferes with the person's ability to function within the standard he sets for himself), and I believe this has to do with that fondness of control, of testing your boundaries, and even of testing how far you can push yourself in the face of a 'terror' that has no real name or origin that you can apply with name or place, and which psychopaths are so prone to have in excess.

From your choice of words I sense you may expect me to avoid this topic because I might feel some kind of shame at not being perfect or by admitting to having experienced something that was unsettling and uncontrollable (at the time, anyway). I can only tell you that I feel no such shame, nor do I feel less powerful for having admitted to not be made of titanium. The need to seem omnipotent and flawless is the element of some sociopathic people, but not for the psychopath.

If it seems like being strong means something to the psychopath, it is because him seeming to be strong means something to you. It is always about you, my subject, my target, my would-be-friend, my companion, my colleague, my lover; it is never, ever about me, the psychopath. Therein lies the main difference in how the normal majority of people and the psychopath function and place their focus and preference of focus

Naming A Psychopath.

This article is about Naming Psychopathic Individuals in Public Space or Forums. The article was meant to be a written in two parts. One Part would be About the Personal Aspects and Implications surrounding Pointing Out Someone - or Being Pointed Out - as A Psychopath. The Second Part would be About One or More Known or Famous Individuals, Being Pointed Out and Named as Psychopaths, and my Personal Views and Standpoints about this.

Alas, I haven't been able to make 'Part 1' ready for publishing as it was planned, which of course I regret. I am instead going to publish what was meant to be 'Part 2' of the article, and the rest will have to wait until a later day or night, when I am less busy.

Alright, here we go - let's See if we can Name a Psychopath...

Just this past week I received an email from a Reader who asked me - among other things - if I could tell whether or not one or more of a few named celebrities are psychopaths. I'm going to respond here with regard to one of the named celebrities and will explain why I do not believe this particular guy is a psychopath. And that being the case, I don't see why I shouldn't explain it 'publicly', so here goes...

Keep in mind, however, that like any other person representing a minority, I cannot be sure to recognize any other psychopath with a 100% Certainty Rate, it just isn't possible(1*). In the present case it is also worth noting that I haven't had time to research the person whom I was asked to confirm or refute to be a psychopath. So I ran a search on Youtube and found video of moments between 'on-air' takes from a guest appearance of our subject, hosted by a fellow well known TV personality.

The video I have uploaded with this article can hopefully give the Reader an idea about what I am referring to when I talk about a Professional Persona versus a more Private You - the 'you' that you tend to only display under more private and relaxed circumstances - and why it is situations like that I look for first when I'm trying to determine if someone may be a psychopath.

Question:

"For a while I was pretty convinced Jerry Seinfeld could be considered [a Psychopath]. His affect and emotion is really shallow, he is very self-centered and also quite manipulative (especially when you imagine his personae in not set up context). Don't get me wrong though - love Seinfeld!"

Seinfeld does not show some of the important traits that would make me view him as a possible candidate for a psychopathy diagnosis. - I can't know this for sure, of course. As always, an investigation including a thorough check-up into his past with interviews of people who have known him throughout the years and at various periods of his life - most significantly his parents and family, his friends, his school and hobby teachers and coaches, neighbors, ministers, and so on - would be required. But also people who have had more sporadic contact with him, f.x. officers who were present at a time when he was arrested for speeding (if such ever occurred, this is Just an example of what COULD be an experience from his past!) would need to be included. 

Again, some psychopaths are just too good at emulating normal behavior, and they'll slip through the needle's eye until they blow it in some other way. Maybe that's the case with Jerry Seinfeld, but I don't think so, and I have a number of reasons for believing I'm right when I say he isn't a psychopath: He's consistent and really puts a lot of effort into preparing and creating good comedy (By the way, comedy really isn't a psychopath's typical domain - but never say never, of course). There are also things about his handwriting that suggests he has plenty of emotions. His laughter is often spontaneous which is something you rarely see in psychopaths (though obviously a psychopath's 'staged laughter' can be very hard to spot).

That said, Seinfeld may be controlling and narcissistic (as you mention in your mail), and Narcissism and Psychopathy can in some respects be hard to distinguish. But then, most high profile performers and creators in the entertainment industry have a Narcissistic Streak, which again will be naturally nourished if you work and thrive on success in that industry. - Another thing to note is that learning to be (sometimes VERY) assertive is another trait that can be mistaken for a psychopathic trait, just as is that certain air of Personal Charm. If you're an entertainer of any kind you cannot survive without it.

- I haven't watched Seinfeld or his shows much nor closely, and after all I've still only been out of prison for approximately 2,5 years, most of which time I have spend in part on rebuilding my business relations, and on providing articles to please the committee and the board in charge of the psychopathy program I'm participating in (and being subject to), and who therefore has a lot of saying in how much freedom I get, if I am to retain it, or if the whole thing is going to be recanted and I'm going to be thrown back into prison. But I've just taken a look at what I could find about him, and it is my conclusion that Seinfeld probably is not a psychopath.

..........
(1*) - for reasons that should be at least somewhat clear when taking into account what I try to explain in several articles: Psychopathy is a spectrum, there's no 'completely psychopathic' individuals, but there are plenty of 'somewhat psychopathic' individuals, and more over, psychopaths can be surprisingly different from one another in spite of the similarities - which, on the other hand - are often well hidden and only observable in subtle ways.

Can Psychopaths Feel Loneliness?

A Reader asked me about what it is that drives a Psychopath and if we can feel Lonely. Below here I answer these questions...

"Can [Psychopaths] Feel Loneliness? If it is loneliness, what is Loneliness to you? Is it Emptiness, or Boredom, or Restlessness, ...?"

I Can't speak for other psychopaths, really, because I've never discussed the subject with anybody I knew to be psychopaths. The topic just never came up, and I think the reason for this is very likely that to most psychopaths the concept of Loneliness isn't part of how we think and how we perceive life and situations, so it isn't really 'real' and doesn't figure as part of most psychopaths' past experiences. And in the cases where it does, it doesn't seem important or memorable enough to the individual for them to bring it up or think about it.

For me personally, I don't think I can feel Loneliness. I've never felt lonely, not even when I was in solitary confinement in prison, and that lasted for several years. So I don't think I can answer the question about what loneliness is to me, because it doesn't really exist to me. But being alone for extended lengths of time can lead to boredom, and that leads to restlessness and eventually frustration and even anger. But it's got nothing to do with feeling loneliness, it is not about feeling or not feeling loneliness. It is about not getting the stimulation you need, not having any means or sources of fun, nothing interesting to explore - like f.x. people. To me other people can be very interesting as well as fun.

"[Is it] some other Unbearable Feeling you can't quite distinguish, or some itch you can't scratch, that keeps you on the move, keeps you searching, always?  Is it feeling...forlorn?

My need for stimulation is the only emotion that can at times feel unbearable, which happens in situations where I am physically unable to take necessary action and find a way to satisfy the need, such as during some periods under imprisonment. But my need for stimulation, or being cut off from seeking gratification, has nothing to do with feeling Forlorn. There is no sense of having been abandoned or of being lonely.

When an urge to go and seek out stimulation or excitement comes over me, I don't feel forlorn, and where company is concerned it is far more often me who leave others than it is others who leave me. When I leave somebody or someone, it is usually because I feel my needs are no longer being met, and more often than not it is my need for stimulation that is no longer being fulfilled - though it can also be other kinds of needs, f.x. in the form of knowledge that somebody could and did provide until the supply ran dry. While I was in my teens there would sometimes be monetary needs.

To the majority of psychopaths, myself included, it is all about having a good time, feeling excitement and feeling good. 'Feeling good' often relates to feeling in control and feeling able to 'run' other peoples' lives, but again feeling forlorn doesn't enter the equation.

But where I differ from most people - though of course there are others like me - is in that for me to feel satisfied I need to feel I have learned something or am learning from whatever experience I am having. Stagnation is the ultimate deadly toxic, both in terms of how I experience things and in terms of how I think and understand reality as a whole. I really have a wish to grow and evolve, to become stronger and better at being me, at being who I am and who I am going to become in the future.

I constantly aim to find the best way to function, a way that will generate the highest possible degree of satisfaction and gratification in every sense of the word. And it is this, I believe, which has brought me to eventually study the possibility of turning cooperating with my surroundings into something that can bring me new experiences that are at least as exciting as what I've experienced in the past. Being useful, helpful to others and contributing to society in some form or other, is part of the plan that will hopefully lead to that result. It is not because I have become less selfish than I always was, but I may be smarter.

Still, nothing of what I have described has anything to do with being or feeling forlorn. People will still come and go in and out of my life, and I will still feel fine about it just as I have always done. I do on occasion - though rarely - feel a certain connection with somebody I get to know, but I don't feel forlorn when and if I leave them, or if they leave me.

So at the end of the day I still cannot describe what loneliness is to me, because I have never felt it. Apparently it isn't part of my reality or life experience.

Psychopaths: Idealization and Devaluation.

Quoting a Reader who wrote the following thoughts on the topic of Psychopaths and the cycle of Idealization and Devaluation. I found it interesting and decided to respond in little more detail...

"From what I am coming to understand, which seems to deepen and/or evolve as time goes on, a person who is a psychopath may idealize someone when beginning a relationship with them, or, as you said, enjoy their company for the things they have in common. I get this. And for the record, many neurotypicals also end up hurting those they get close to. Maybe it's for reasons that are different than yours, but it happens all the time.

My theory about what happens is this: As the psychopath gets to know the other person, he starts seeing what he considers  weaknesses, such as insecurities, doubts, etc. (vulnerabilities that actually create intimacy and closeness in neurotypicals), and although the relationship started on equal footing, he starts gaining control and power...and as he does, his respect for the other declines, and so does his interest, and he becomes disgusted because he was let down (disappointed), and then finds the other worthy of nothing more than fun and games. I may not have chosen the best words here, but my idea in general is there. I'll be looking for your blog post about this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be in the ballpark somewhere, at least, and may have even hit a home run."

You're pretty much spot on. I used to wonder what they meant by psychopaths idealizing someone because it has happened so very rarely to me. But then I remembered a few occasions from the time when I was in my teens and early twenties. I don't fall in love with people, but I can become fascinated with someone if I think they may know things I don't, so I'll want to learn from them.

There was this woman I met when I was in my twenties, she was a lot older than I was but still very attractive, and she made a pass on me. I responded because she appeared so strong, elegant, almost flawless. Since I've gained some knowledgeable about psychopathy I sometimes think about her, because it is very obvious that she was a psychopath. I didn't know it at the time because I didn't know any more about psychopathy than the average person does.

But as always in these rare cases when I do meet someone I think of as both strong and knowledgeable, also in this case I very soon lost any infatuation I had with this woman, because she blew it! It was very pitiful, really, she told me a really careless lie, and I thought: "You can't even get something as simple as that right?!". I also immediately knew she'd lied about other things that I had been impressed by when she told them to me, and as you can probably imagine my admiration disappeared instantly.

After that I dropped the relationship very quickly by showing her open disinterest whenever she was around. I knew she was somewhat bewildered about this, being obviously intelligent and therefore used to charm people easily, and then suddenly here was this young brad whom she'd taken on a vacation to Spain in Europe, and he'd so been enthusiastic about her, but now she just couldn't seem to move him at all.

Of course, soon after that she lost interest in me too, since - though still interested in me - I just wasn't easy enough to manipulate or bend, so after seeking me out twice, she gave up. We ran into each other a couple of times after that, and we were on good terms. Being a psychopath herself and much more experienced than me I'd have had no chance of playing with her anyway, and I sensed this just as she must've realized the same thing about me. So we respected each other, but there was no idealization anymore.

I'd almost forgotten... She actually did tell me once that psychologists in prison had said she was a psychopath. She never got around to tell me in detail about why she was in prison or about being diagnosed as a psychopath (that's how short lived our acquaintance was), but it just isn't likely that a clinical prison psychologist would call a prisoner 'psychopath' for no reason or out of anger. Of course I have no way of knowing how much she knew about how her psychopathy was reflected in how her personality was different from that of most other people, but I know she was very much aware that she was different and she would've said she was completely satisfied with being who she was.

I think she probably was as uneducated when it comes to the subject of psychopathy, as I was, and though she clearly had noticed some of the same traits in me, I'm not sure she had psychopathy in mind.

As for me, I didn't put much trust in what authorities said, and I still thought of the word 'psychopath' as mainly a way for psychologists and mainstream to say: "I don't like him!" about someone without actually having behaved "unprofessionally" or given away that they were emotional in their disliking of that person. A psychopath in my mind was our typical drunkard bully who couldn't think of anything more interesting to do than beating up his wife every Saturday night.

Do Psychopaths In Prison Become Newborn Christians?

A Reader asks:

"I would like to ask you something we know that a lot of killers and serial killers became newborn in prison my question is can psychopath or sociopath get interested in bible before committing crime? or he just does it in prison as an act? can he truly believe in whats written there?Thank you."

Psychopaths have their individual beliefs as all other people do. They differ not so much in the question about whether they believe in a god/religion, but more in that they tend to not care if they follow the scriptures and words of the god they believe to exist.

I myself believe there are many gods. Allah, Christ, Jahweh, Satan, or the many gods of various Pantheons, are all real in my understanding. But I don't adhere to any of their teachings even though I was brought up with the Christian faith, as most Westerners are.

Again: Basically the question of belief is one that only the individual person - psychopath or non-psychopath - can decide for themselves.

But I will say this: Most of those who become what you call 'newborn' (Born Again Christian) in prison - if they're psychopaths, anyway - generally don't do so because they suddenly have had a revelation and now believe in Christ when before they didn't, they're doing it because they hope it may influence heir case in a positive direction. You can't start believing in something like you press a button to open a program, it has to come from within and must start somewhere unrelated to mere self interest. So if you didn't believe in Christ before you killed or before you were caught and sentenced, there isn't much chance that you will believe afterwards.

To your question about whether a psychopath would become interested in the bible before committing a crime, the answer is much the same. If he is already a believer, he might want to consult the bible before engaging in crime, especially something that is considered very serious by the Christian faith. But if he has no relationship with religion at all, there isn't much chance he would suddenly want to read the bible while preparing for a crime. Rather, he'd be interested in learning as much as he can about the crime and how to get away with it - unless he's acting on impulse or in a fit of anger, in which cases he won't be likely to think twice about what he's about to do.

Tell Us About Your Murders!

Readers have asked me to write an article (or three articles) about the killings I have committed, and for a long time I felt that in order to share my story honestly and completely I would have to describe these events as well. After all, they are no small part of what defines me, in the past as well as the present. I may like to think it has nothing to do with who I am today, but I also know that in a normal neurotypical person's view it will always impact the way they see me.

So I meant to write about these events - the times when I killed another person - and I've spend a good deal of time thinking about how I could do so in an agreeable manner. Especially when a writer send me an email explaining how it would be helpful to him if I would share these experiences with him. When two weeks ago I received another mail, also from a writer, who said much the same thing, I began to think about it again: How might I describe what I have done in a way that would be helpful and informative in a constructive way to those who read it, and at the same time not put my own safety (read: freedom) at risk?

But the conclusion I have come to will no doubt disappoint some of my Readers...

Some day I may write about my killings, but at the present I have decided to not do so, mainly because I could place myself at risk, mainly the risk of loosing my freedom for good. To some this may sound ludicrous: What could possible put me at risk? The authorities already know everything down to the smallest detail, and I have been punished for the crimes I committed.

However, it is not that simple. People who, like myself, have lived a portion of their lives at the wrong side of the law, have been in prison and have had their comings and goings among criminals, know that the law is far from perfect and people do get sentenced for things they haven't done, or they simply get framed. This is not to say the law is evil and out to hurt anyone they can get their hands on, but mistakes happen, and a lot at that. Believe me, I have seen it. I myself am not among those who have suffered from much injustice of this sort (though I too haven't been completely free from doing time for things I didn't do), but I have gotten to know people who were sentenced and did time for things I'm absolutely certain they didn't do - not to mention a few I KNOW didn't do what they were in for, because I knew who did.

This is what I might face if I chose to describe the more serious crimes I have on my conscience. A few words phrased the wrong way could be the end of me. I could end up being charged for killings I never did. If you have killed once, and especially if you have killed more than once, you will be in a database and reviewed when new "old" murders appear or get re-viewed for whichever reason, if new circumstantial evidence has come up or is believed to have come up. It is this that I don't find I want to risk my life and freedom for.

Some might argue: "But other authors write about murders in the first person tense all the time, what's so different about you doing the same? You're just a writer, right?". Wrong. I am not just another writer, I'm hardly a writer at all when it comes to that. I'm a provider of information, some of which is about myself and my own life, and this makes me very much different from another writer who write about murder and killing.

Granted, there are writers who write about their own criminal past and write about killings they have done. In my view these people are taking a chance, but then again, they are also often in prison for life already and have little to loose. Far be it from me to tell them they shouldn't tell us about their experiences, I always think it's a good thing to be given information, however dark and unbecoming it may be.

But this is where I stand, dear Readers, at least for the time being. It is my hope that you will understand why I have to do it this way.